Relativity

by Dodd, Lauren

  “You can’t do that. Your parents need you at Mozzarella,” I say, desperation lacing my voice.

  He stomps out of bed and over to his clothes, pulling his underwear on. “You lost the right to tell me what the fuck to do with my life when you fucked me over yet again,” he yells.

  I pull the blankets around me, trying to shield myself from his anger. I don’t want to leave things bad. I wish I could just explain everything to him but it would crush everything he knows about his entire life. I love him too much for that. I just wish he could understand that I’m doing this, I’m sacrificing myself, so that he and Natalie can still cherish their parent’s marriage.

  “I don’t want this to end badly,” I admit, softly.

  “Things never end well or they wouldn’t end. Please just get the hell out of my house,” he says, tossing my clothes in my direction. He turns his back on me as I rush around trying to get dressed as tears are streaming down my face.

  I slip into my underwear and am clasping my bra when someone beats on the door. My heart pounds in my chest and I watch Knox advance toward the door, knowing I’m half-naked.

  “Knox, stop,” I hiss, grabbing for the blanket off the bed.

  “Open the fucking door, you two,” Natalie’s voice screams from behind the door.

  Knox turns to me with an almost amused look on his face, shrug his shoulders, then throws open the door.

  Natalie rushes in, her face flushed, her brain slowly taking in the scene before her. Rumpled sheets, room smelling of sex, and her best friend half naked in her brother’s bed.

  “What. The. Fuck?” she screams, drawing out each word.

  Knox shuts the door behind her then blurts out, “I’m in love with Ripley and I have been for about five years.”

  “Natalie, listen,” I start but the look on her face tells me that she isn’t quite ready to hear anything from me, yet. She storms into the kitchenette and pulls the vodka bottle from Knox’s tiny freezer. She pours herself half a glass and downs it all in three swallows.

  “Don’t be so dramatic,” Knox tells her, pulling on a T-shirt and a pair of sweatpants.

  I pull on my clothes as fast as possible, kicking myself for ever coming here in the first place. I should have just left town without saying good-bye and then Natalie never would have known.

  Natalie plops down on the couch, her cheeks rosy from the vodka and says, “So, all this time you’ve been acting like I’m the world’s biggest slut for having an affair with Cale and you’ve been fucking my brother? Well played, Ripley. Well played, indeed.” Her voice is laced with hysteria and I think I actually underestimated how upset she would be which I didn’t think was possible.

  “Nobody was trying to one up you, sis. We’re in love. Cale was just using you,” Knox defends us, but I know immediately it is the wrong thing to say.

  “Are you in love with my brother, Ripley?” Natalie asks, snark lacing her voice.

  My gaze ping pongs back and forth between Knox and Natalie wanting to choose the right answer. She doesn’t want to hear the truth and I would do almost anything I could to soften the blow. For some reason I can tell that hearing me say Knox was just a fuck buddy would somehow make this situation almost forgivable. As tempting as it is to give her what she wants I’m already protecting her enough. I can’t rip Knox’s heart out by allowing him to believe that everything we had was a lie. I won’t emulate my mother in that way.

  “Yes, I’m in love with your brother,” I admit. I pull on my clothes as fast as I can.

  Knox looks so happy that he could burst. Of course he does because he actually thinks that this is going to change things. He thinks that everything is out in the open now so there is no reason that we can’t be together. Little does he know that the biggest secret will never see the light of day.

  “It doesn’t matter though. I’m leaving in a week for Columbia to start college early,” I tell her, slipping into my flip-flops.

  “But why? She knows, now we can be together,” Knox pleads, reaching for me. I see Natalie wince at the notion of Knox touching me so I pull away.

  “This doesn’t change anything,” I tell him.

  “She was using you, just like Cale was using me,” Natalie tells him.

  “Shut up, Natalie. It wasn’t like that. You’re so fucked up, you don’t even know what love is,” Knox screams at her.

  Natalie gets into his face and is screaming so hard that she’s spitting. “I know that love doesn’t just fucking abandon you. If she loves you so much, why the hell is she pulling a disappearing act?”

  “The last thing I ever wanted to do was to come between the two of you,” I say, crying. “I love you both more than you’ll ever know.”

  Natalie picks up a magazine off the coffee table and wings it at my head. “I fucking hate you,” she screams. “I don’t ever want to see your face again.”

  I rush toward the door, checking my pocket for my keys. The last thing I see before I shut the door to Knox’s loft is him pulling her in for a hug. Neither of them looks in my direction. Strangely, I feel a sort of relief, knowing that they will always have each other to fall back on for the rest of their lives. Someday, I’ll just be a little blip on their radar screen of sibling love.

  When I cross the bridge over the lake in the middle of our tiny town I toss the burner phone I’ve kept in the console into the water. Mom’s secret will be safe at the bottom of Lake Jasper for eternity. I’ve never felt lonelier in my entire life.

  ******

  I’m busy packing my suitcase full of summer and fall clothes, knowing I’ll be back for Thanksgiving to get my winter ones, when Dad saunters in.

  “Are you sure you really want to skip the graduation?” he asks, his voice cracking. Mom was planning a huge party to celebrate my graduation and I feel a pang of sorrow in my chest. But she isn’t here and I just couldn’t handle walking across that stage and everyone clapping for me out of pity. They can mail me the damn diploma. Besides, I can’t stand the thought of seeing Knox and Natalie. They are both expecting me to be there so it is the perfect time to slip out of town.

  I don’t have the heart to tell him that I don’t have any friends left to invite. He knows that something is going on between Nat and I but hasn’t mentioned it.

  “It’s okay, Dad,” I say, touching his arm. I know he’s scared for me to leave and I’m going to miss him like crazy, but I’m also trying to protect him. It would crush him to find out that Mom had been having an affair. Besides, he needs to start navigating life without Mom or me.

  “But you won’t even let me drive you down,” he whines.

  “I just have to do this by myself,” I say, knowing that if he drove me down I might not have the courage to stay.

  “When did my little girl get so grown up?” he asks.

  I think to myself that it was probably about the time that his wife decided to go secretly meet her lover and managed to get herself killed. If she would have just kept her ass home baking cookies this shit would have gone down a lot different. I guess I’m going through the anger stage of grief at the moment.

  “We’ll Skype every week, okay? Do you remember how I showed you to do it?” I ask, ignoring his question.

  “You do know that I am in charge of multi-million dollar advertising campaigns for companies like Anheuser-Busch and Purina, right? I think I can figure out how to talk on the computer,” he teases.

  I laugh and smile, already knowing I’ll have to talk him through it again the first time we want to Skype. I bury my iPad in the middle of my suitcase so that it is cushioned by my clothes. I’m trying to fit everything I need into one suitcase since I’m taking the train. It is proving to be harder than I thought. Dad throws my beloved teddy bear I’ve had since I was three into the suitcase. I toss it back out on my bed.

  “No Theodore Roosevelt Cuddlemuffin?” he shrieks, appalled that I would leave him behind.

  “I don’t want my roommate thinking I’m a freak,” I
lie. The truth is that Mom bought me that bear when I had to have an operation to put tubes in my ears when I was three. It is one of my prized possessions and I couldn’t bear it if something happened to him. He is much safer staying with Dad. Besides, it will be nice to have a happy face to come home to since my face probably isn’t going to be welcome around Natalie for the rest of my life.

  I knew when I said good-bye to Knox that my body, heart, and soul would long for him until the end of my life. But I never anticipated that Natalie would find us out and banish me from her life. It feels like someone else died, my sister. We have been inseparable since we were eleven years old. Not a day went by when I didn’t talk to her. Now she hates me. My best friend hates me.

  “I’m proud of you, Ripley. Some kids would have folded under all this pressure, but you kept it together. Mom would be so proud of you,” he boasts.

  I wrap my arms around him and bury my face in his chest. He hugs me back and we stand like that forever, neither wanting to let go. I will miss him so much and I already know that I will live in fear nearly every day of something happening to him, but I just can’t stay here in the safety of this house, pretending that my mother didn’t nearly destroy everyone I love. Sometimes, late at night, I wonder what would have happened if they would have gotten caught. If I was just the child of divorced parents instead of a half-orphan. As much as I miss Mom, I can’t wish that pain on Bea, Knox, and Natalie. And I wouldn’t want people thinking she was a home wrecker. Mom always used to say that everything happens for a reason. I guess she was right.

  “I’m only three hours away,” I tell Dad, forcing myself not to cry.

  “I know, sweetheart. I know,” he says, retreating slowly from my room.

  ******

  I survey my room for anything I might have missed and just to take it in one last time for several months. I’m so nervous that I’ll be lucky if I don’t puke on the train. I turn on my phone, hoping that Natalie will have responded to the text I sent her last night saying I was sorry. I knew I shouldn’t send it but I just couldn’t stop myself. My phone chirps and I rush to read the message. It’s from Natalie.

  Fuck you

  I guess you can’t get much clearer than that. I delete her contact from my phone knowing that I will never try and contact her again because the last thing I want to do is cause her more pain.

  “All set?” Dad asks, sticking his head in the doorway. He is positively chipper, which I recognize as an act a mile away, but I appreciate his effort because it makes saying goodbye easier.

  “Yep,” I answer, swallowing over the lump in my throat. Dad grabs my suitcase and we make our way downstairs and into the car. We drive slowly to the train station. I hold my breath as we pass Mozzarella. I hold my breath looking for their cars, which is stupid because they are opening late today so they can attend graduation, but it’s a habit. Thinking of Natalie’s mini-Cooper makes me smile even though I know I won’t be the one riding shotgun anymore. Someone else will take my place. Natalie’s personality is too magnetic to leave her best friend slot vacant for very long.

  “Should we stop by Natalie’s house?” Dad asks, watching me gawk.

  “No, absolutely not,” I demand.

  “Time heals all wounds, sweetie,” he says, stopping at a red light.

  “I don’t think I agree with that, Dad. Some things are just too big to ever get over.”

  A few minutes later we get to the train station and I make him drop me off.

  “Ripley, for God’s sake, this is ridiculous. You could get mugged.”

  “Please, Dad. If you don’t let me out right here, I might not be able to do this,” I beg. I really don’t know how much longer I can keep it together thinking about leaving everyone I love.

  Dad throws the car into park and turns toward me. “Then maybe you shouldn’t be doing this. Ripley, you just lost your mother a few weeks ago. Maybe you were right about community college.”

  “You’re just being selfish because you don’t want me to leave,” I shout, hating myself the minute the words leave my mouth. But I had to do something to get him to leave me here.

  Dad’s face crumples but instead of breaking down, he gets out of the car, opens the trunk and pulls out my suitcase. I open my door and watch him wheel the suitcase around to my side.

  “I didn’t mean that, Dad,” I apologize, knowing it’s too late.

  “No need,” he says in a detached voice. “You’re right. I don’t want you to leave. Just like I didn’t want your mother to leave. But it’s time for me to face facts. She’s dead and you’re all grown up.” He offers the suitcase handle to me. I take it from him, fighting back tears.

  “I love you, Dad, and I’ll be back in a couple of months,” I promise him. I give him a quick hug and disappear into the train station before I can change my mind.

  I watch from a window as he pulls out of the parking lot and heads back to the empty house with fake memories. Part of me wishes I could have had the courage to tell him about the affair so that he wouldn’t be tiptoeing around honoring her memory and could move on with his life without feeling guilty but I can’t take the chance that he would get so mad that he would confront Chad and somehow Natalie and Knox would find out. It’s too risky.

  I double check to make sure I have the ticket that I printed off at home then make my way toward the door where they load passengers. I still have forty-five minutes until we board. I’m scared and nervous but I think this new life will be good for me. I know that I’ll never replace Knox and Natalie but maybe I’ll make some new friends too.

  I think moving down in the summer session was a smart move because there won’t be as many people there. I can get acclimated and will know my way around before everyone comes back in the fall. The housing department is giving me a double room all to myself because so few students are enrolled so that will be a good way to ease myself into dorm living without the shock of a roommate right away.

  I’m still undecided on my major. I figure I’m taking all general education courses in the first few semesters anyway so there is no need to rush into making a decision. I know the right one will come to me, eventually.

  My phone chirps and my heart skips a beat wondering if maybe Natalie mentioned to Knox that I was leaving and it’s him. The text is from Tate.

  No gdbye! How could u do me lk that? JK! Good luck!

  Thnx. U 2.

  I slide my phone back into my pocket and wonder how things would have turned out if I could have kept crushing on Tate. Would I have gone away to college if I hadn’t fallen in love with Knox? I guess so because I still would have figured it out about Mom’s affair but maybe I wouldn’t have had as hard a time keeping it a secret just from Dad and Natalie. I guess it doesn’t matter because I am in love with Knox and he is all I ever think about. Maybe Dad’s right, maybe time does heal all wounds.

  A voice over an intercom tells us that it is time to begin boarding the train. I waddle into line trying to manage my heavy suitcase and wait patiently as one by one they scan our tickets and allow us to exit the building onto the concrete platform to board the train. I keep looking over my shoulder, waiting for Knox to come barging into the station and plead with me to stay forever.

  “Excuse me, Miss,” a voice says, cutting into my daydream of having my way with Knox on one of the uncomfortable wooden benches in the train station. I shake it off and hand the kind looking woman my ticket. “Thank you, any available seat.”

  A uniformed man takes my suitcase and puts it into a luggage holding compartment. I board the train with just my laptop case and purse strung over my shoulder. I walk through the aisles trying to find a window seat. Finally, toward the back, I spot one. I plop down, proud of myself for making it this far.

  I lean my head back on the headrest and close my eyes. I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing. I have this on a loop in my head.

  I hate that it bothers me so much that Knox didn’t come say goodbye. I kn
ow I had a lot of nerve having my way with him, knowing full well that I was leaving, then expecting him to hunt me down after Natalie found us out. It’s not like it would have changed my mind. We still can’t be together and I probably would have just pulled him in a filthy train station bathroom and had my way with him but the thought of not seeing his face, not knowing if he hates me is unbearable.

  I feel the train start to move so I lean up and open my eyes, watching as we slowly pass through the station. A flash of orange on the platform catches my eye and as my window slides past I can see that it is Knox in a neon Mozzarella T-shirt. He is panting and out of breath, saying something to the woman who scanned my ticket. He’s pointing angrily toward the train. He doesn’t see me but I press my palm to the window and mentally tell him that I love him.

  He came to say goodbye. That’s enough for me to be able to move on. He doesn’t hate me and I can live with that.

  Chapter Fifteen

  The campus is enormous, breathtaking, and most importantly, anonymous. There isn’t a soul here who knows who I am, where I come from, what I’ve lost, or what I’ve done. I’m just Ripley Edgecombe, incoming freshman with an undeclared major. The anonymity has invigorated me.

  My dorm is a concrete giant hovering twenty stories in the air. The building sways a tiny bit when the wind blows, but I sleep like a baby at night in my tiny dorm room. The first few days I was here were rough, there was a lot of crying and ordering takeout, but then I forced myself into a schedule and classes started and six weeks later, I feel almost human again.

  A knock on my door tells me it’s time for lunch. There are five of us, girls, new to the college that have sort of gravitated toward each other this summer. The conversations are easy and we all like each other but I see us drifting apart in the fall when hundreds of new faces are introduced into the mix. They are all really nice but I don’t really click with any of them the way I did with Nat.

  We go out as a group also, trying to navigate the summer social scene here, taking baby steps before things get overwhelming in the fall. The other four girls are all planning to pledge a sorority but I just don’t know if that is my thing. I can fake the conversations with this small group fairly well but I’m not sure how well I would fare if I were thrown into a shark tank full of sorority girls. I think they would make me pretty quick as being nothing but a homesick girl with trust issues and a broken heart.