Envisioning Hope

by Tracy Lee

  "Do you hear daddy's voice?" I asked as I walked over to Sawyer. I reached under his arms and lifted him out of the bed. He was eight months old and would repeat "dada" over and over. I raised him over my head and he laughed above me. "You wanna go say hi?" I giggled as I brought him down, placing a gentle kiss against his dark head of hair. He had his daddy's eyes and they glimmered just like Charlie's.

  I ran my fingers through Sawyer's soft, fine hair and heard his giggle. I couldn't get enough of my little man. He filled me completely with the highest of highs and the most love I could ever imagine. Clapping his hands together, I felt his little body jump up and down in my arms as he anticipated his daddy coming through that door like he did every day.

  "Did I hear my name?" Charlie asked as he set his briefcase down. Walking over to us, he loosened his tie and pulled it over his head, throwing it to the ground as though it was just a piece of unwanted material compared to what was in front of him.

  His arms went straight out as he reached forward, making an airplane noise with his mouth that grew louder the closer he came. He grabbed Sawyer up in his arms and began spinning him around as if Sawyer was the airplane.

  "Where do you want to go today? England…Greece?" Charlie lowered his arms, taking Sawyer close to the floor before raising him in his arms above his head. All the while, Sawyer giggled like it was the best ride on the planet.

  I stood back and took in the view that was before me. The two men that possessed every part of me were flying like airplanes all around me. Life couldn't get any better than this. I had everything that I could ever want right here in this small bedroom that I made into a nursery and, personally, if the world would fall apart outside of here, I don't think I would really care.

  Sometimes, I thought about having another baby, but then I questioned it. There would be no way that I could love anyone else as much as I loved the two of these people standing in front of me.

  "Why hello, sweetie," I said as I sat back down in the rocking chair. The two of them were having so much fun, I wasn't even sure he would hear me. "Hey, babe." My favorite words came from Charlie's mouth. I looked at my watch, it was four-thirty. "Do you think it would be a good idea if we started talking about our options for dinner?" I asked in a playful manner, but I could feel my stomach beginning to growl. "Dine out?" he asked as he attached Sawyer to the side of him and started toward the dresser to get him changed. He had already made the decision to eat out.

  "Sounds good to me," I replied, getting up, once again, to head to our room to change my clothes.

  * * *

  "Bobby called me today. I guess I'm supposed to tell you that our anniversary party is a go and the reservation has been made," Charlie said as he cut a piece of steak and placed it in his mouth. I suddenly wondered why Libby didn't tell me over the phone or when I had spoken with her today at the office when I went in to grab the specs of the quote I was working on.

  This was our five year anniversary and I was really looking forward to celebrating this year. Every other year, it was no big deal, but this was the big five. I gave Sawyer another bite of mashed up carrots and potatoes as I forked a couple lettuce leaves in my mouth. "I wonder why Libby didn't mention anything to me today. I was with her for a while and we even discussed going for mani's and pedi's the day of the party."

  Spooning another bite in Sawyer's direction, he turned his head. I handed him a cracker and he took it without hesitation. "Well, from what I understand, it took the restaurant some time to get back with her. It's not her fault, Hope. Cut her some slack."

  Charlie's defensiveness caught me off guard. I didn't mean anything by what I had said but now I was curious as to what was going on with him. I stared at him while he forked another bite of steak and grabbed the mushroom on top of it. His eyes met mine , his stare just as hard.

  "What do you know that I don't?" I asked, accusation in my voice. Charlie's eyes never left mine as he continued to chew. My mind was going crazy with questions. Were Bobby and Libby having issues? Why on earth wouldn't she say something to me? I waited for Charlie to chew his steak, but I was growing impatient and knew the look on my face revealed as much. Finally, I watched as he swallowed the bite of meat.

  "Libby lost the baby."

  What the hell! I didn't even know she was pregnant! Why didn't she tell me they were trying to have a baby? What was going on?

  With everything going on in my life with Sawyer, Charlie, and work, I didn't know whether to cry because of the giant brick wall Libby and I had let life construct between us, or call her up and bitch her out for not coming to me with such an important life changing issue that I knew would place an even bigger wall between us. I hurt for her and, yet, here I was, just having been slapped in the face hearing this information come from my husband instead of from her.

  "Hope, it's not like that."

  Now I was in defense mode. It was like that! We were supposed to be able to talk to each other about things like this. That's what we did, we helped each other through times like this…good and bad times. Best friends did that for each other. Then, I realized something that almost made my temper go through the roof.

  "She was sitting with me just the other day having coffee as we planned our anniversary party," I said, keeping my eyes on my plate. I didn't want to lose my composure as my heart filled with hurt and sadness. Too bad my words didn't come out that way.

  "Hope?"

  "I don't want to talk about it, Charlie."

  "Honey, you're making this a bigger deal than it should be. She was going to tell you. She's just having issues. They have been trying for a long time, a lot longer than we had. Now, here we are, and she's starting to feel like she's incapable of giving Bobby what he deserves…a family."

  Now I felt like shit. This wasn't about me. Yeah, I was hurt that she didn't come to me, but I could see where she was coming from. I couldn't imagine having those obstacles resting heavily on my shoulders while pretending daily that everything was fine and life was perfect. If what Charlie was saying was true, she had to be close to breaking… that much weight on you daily could only break you down so far before you crumbled. I made a mental note to take her out to lunch to discuss the distance that was forming between us.

  I didn't smile, but I understood what Charlie was saying. I nodded once and handed Sawyer another cracker.

  * * *

  "So, Bobby and I made an appointment with a specialist," Libby said as I brought the water bottle up to my mouth for a swig. I looked down at the lady who was painting a French manicure on my toes to match my nails I had just gotten done for tonight's events.

  It had been two weeks and my and Charlie's anniversary party was tonight.

  I was thrilled with the news that Libby and Bobby were going to go see a specialist. With as much as they were going through, they deserved to be blessed with a baby… even two or three.

  "That's wonderful, Libs! If you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you," I said as I grabbed her hand, cautious not to touch her fingers that were just painted blood red.

  Before our appointment we had decided to go shopping so I could pick out an outfit for tonight's party. I found one and it was amazing. I also ended up snagging a kickass pair of strapless heels that matched perfectly. After shopping, Libby and I grabbed a bite to eat, giving us a chance to talk about all that had been going on personally and professionally. From what we talked about, we needed to have this chat; she had noticed the wall being erected as well. I asked her why she never said anything and her answer almost cut me to the bone. "It's hard, Hope, seeing you play and laugh with Sawyer knowing that something's wrong with me. I can't even carry one longer than three months and seeing the disappointment on Bobby's face every time I had to tell him that the baby was gone…"

  She didn't say another word, she just shook her head before taking a drink of her white wine. "I finally quit telling him I was pregnant," she confessed, and it broke my heart. "This time, we had made it past that p
oint…I called it the death week. Pretty sick, huh?" she asked rhetorically as she raised her glass back up to her mouth. I didn't say a word, I allowed her to get out what she needed to get out. "I thought this time would be different. I actually felt sick, which I had never felt before. Guess that's not really a sign that your pregnancy's gonna make it."

  I couldn't take anymore. Seeing my best friend, my sister, in so much pain was too much for me to handle. "Libby…" I whispered. Suddenly, she firmly set her glass down. "Don't do that, Hope," Libby said as she peered through angry eyes. Confusion filled me as to why she was so angry about me caring. I didn't get to say anything because she beat me to the punch. "Don't feel sorry for me. I don't want your pity. I need your support, not your pity." I bit back tears and just nodded my head. I hated seeing her and Bobby go through all this pain knowing there was nothing I could do to change the circumstance.

  Now that we had discussed that, I needed to change the subject. I brought up some new designs that we hadn't had a chance to talk about yet. We ended up spending an hour discussing work over several glasses of white wine and decided to make this a weekly occurrence. If we couldn't do it every week, we wouldn't go longer than every two weeks without having lunch. I couldn't allow that wall to be rebuilt just as we were in full demolition mode. It had been so long since we had found the time to sit down and really chat, I treasured every moment with her.

  My mind went back to tonight's festivities. I couldn't believe Charlie and I had been married five years today. Even more, I couldn't wait for Charlie to see the gift I was having my dad bring to the party for him.

  He had always wanted a Mercedes. With all the extra work I had been doing, I had decided to put the extra commission money away in another savings account and used it to purchase just that. He deserved it. Charlie worked so hard to support us as a family, it was my turn to give back to him.

  As Libby drove to my house, I pulled the brochure from my purse. Looking at the picture of the car that would be my eternal get out of jail free card, I felt a bit anxious at how Charlie would react. "He'll like it." Libby's remark broke through my thoughts and I saw her glimpse over at the picture. "He might bug the shit out of you to find out how you paid off a brand new Mercedes in one lump sum, but remember, you can always plead the fifth!" We both laughed and I looked down again. The two door convertible sports car was elegant and fast, as I found out as I went to test drive it. I smiled at the thought that maybe one weekend we could leave Sawyer with my parents and drive down to the coast for some one on one, Hope and Charlie time.

  Pulling into the house, I said goodbye to Libby and went inside. I still had a full list of things that needed to be done before tonight, so I set about crossing off errands and calls to make. I had reserved a limo to pick us up. Since we would be driving the Mercedes back, I didn't want to worry about an extra car and how to get it home. I'd also made the decision not to get a babysitter for Sawyer. Since this was going to be a family affair, everyone would want to see him as much as they would want to see us.

  Finally, after a few hours, all was done. Charlie and Sawyer's suits were laid out on my bed and I was praying that nothing would disturb them before tonight. Everything was set and I was determined to make this night a night to remember.

  Chapter 3

  The restaurant couldn't have been a better choice. The back banquet room was just enough space for our family and friends to come together. They shared this day with us five years ago, so we wanted them with us tonight to celebrate the years we've had together.

  My dad stood and cleared his throat as my mother delicately hit her water goblet with a spoon, attempting to gain everyone's attention. I mumbled to Charlie under my breath as I saw my dad take one last gulp of wine before he spoke.

  "I just want to make a toast to my daughter, Hope, and her husband, my son in law…" he said with a smile on his face as he gleamed with pride. "…Charlie. We have been extremely blessed by having him become a part of our family and we couldn't have asked for a better husband for our little girl if we had picked him…" He paused and looked down at my mother who stared back at him, eyes full of love and acceptance for his peculiar and somewhat embarrassing remarks. "Well, as the kids would say these days, picked him off of the internet." The whole room erupted in laughter at my dad's failed attempt at humor. Suddenly, the smile left his face and I could see that he was becoming serious. "Charlie, man to man, I want to thank you for showing my daughter what a true husband is all about. You have given us our wonderful grandson, Sawyer, and we thank the good Lord above for you. To Hope and Charlie!"

  "To Hope and Charlie!" The whole room erupted in an echo as glasses clinked all around the room. I looked over at my husband and leaned in, placing a small kiss against his lips. I raised my glass to my dad and then took a sip as I felt the tears build behind my eyes.

  I saw my husband begin to rise and knew if he was going to give a speech as sweet as my dad's, I wasn't going to be able to hold back the tears. I felt him grab my hand and the tears began to prick at the back of my eyes.

  I wasn't going to make it through this dry.

  I looked up at Charlie as he began to speak.

  "I really wasn't planning on giving a toast, but since I'm here…" He reached into his pocket and pulled out a piece of paper that was written on. He had prepared a speech all along. The room, once again, erupted in laughter at his wittiness.

  "My dearest Hope, over the last couple of days I have been trying to find a way to express to you my gratitude for not only becoming my wife, but for giving me the most amazing gift that anyone could give me; my son. There is nothing in this world that I could ever give you that would even begin to say how much that means to me. So, I give you the only thing I can that is even close to that; Me." Charlie lowered his eyes down to me and wiped the tear from my cheek as he continued, "I give myself to you again…whole-heartedly, over and over. Never questioning, never hesitating. You have given me a piece of you that I see every day through Sawyer and that piece is my never ending serenity. You have always had a talent for unmasking my deepest emotions and now, in front of all of our friends and family, I humbly hand them to you with sincere reverence. You are my meaning of life. You make me the man that I am and the man that I will be in years to come. I am in awe of how much love you convey in everything you do for me and our family and how you do it so selflessly. Happy anniversary, wife. May we have a lifetime of five year anniversaries. I love you, babe."

  I couldn't take it anymore. I stood up and wrapped my arms around my husband. I firmly pressed my lips to Charlie's without caring who was around or what they thought. I loved my husband and what his words said to me. I wanted to show him my appreciation. Breaking apart, I couldn't find my voice, so I whispered, "Love you, husband."

  I heard glasses clinking again as we went to sit back down. Libby stood up, quickly wiping at her cheeks that were now mascara stained. I mentally high-fived myself for wearing waterproof mascara this evening. I wasn't sure if I could take anymore speeches from my friends and family, I was about ready to break down into real ugly crying as it was. I watched as Bobby reached for a laptop in the corner and ask some guests to move their tables to the side. I looked at Charlie wondering if he knew what was going on. He didn't answer me verbally, just shrugged his shoulders.

  "Fortunately, I do not have to follow behind that speech," Libby yelled so that all the room could hear her soft voice. "When it comes to words, I think Charlie has me beat in the articulation department," she continued on. "Instead of saying what would be nothing but a repeat of what Charlie and Dad said, I figured I'd make a video of what these five years that Bob and I have had the honor of sharing with the two of you have meant to the both of us. We love you both so very much and are so thankful that we could be a part of your lives."

  With that, the lights dimmed and Bryan Adam's voice started singing "When You Love Someone." The title page came on as "Charlie and Hope: A Love Story." As the first slide appeared,
it was a baby picture of Charlie. The worn orange color of the old photo dated him and the jean bell bottoms didn't help in guessing his age. The next one was a baby picture of me. The Polaroid picture made me laugh as I saw my mom's old hairstyle and my dad wearing the short golf shorts that once were in style. The next slide was one in elementary school. Charlie had lost his four front teeth and oohs and awes could be heard throughout the room. Next, was a picture from junior high, Libby and I wearing our blue jean jackets covered in mini pins that held small pictures of the latest teen hottie. Our hair stood about four inches off of our head and we would use half a bottle of hairspray to get it to stay that way. We both laughed hard at seeing that picture.

  Next was Charlie and I out on a date. As I recalled that memory, it seemed like it was during summer vacation. Of course, my hair was poufy and permed and Charlie had a skater's bowl cut. The picture depicted what we knew in our hearts: young, teenage love. Charlie standing over me and me looking up at him as we both smiled at each other. The next picture flashed across the wall, the two of us at the lake. Sitting in the back of the boat, Charlie had his arm around me as he pulled me close to him. I laid my head on his shoulder as we looked at the camera. I instantly grabbed Charlie's hand as I watched the next slide come on the wall. There I was, looking down at Charlie as he was down on one knee, asking me to marry him. My mouth was wide open with one hand covering it as he slid the ring on my other hand. The whole memory flooded my mind. Charlie's smile beamed as the words of his proposal flashed through my mind. Aside from my wedding day and the birth of Sawyer, that was the happiest day of my life.