Envisioning Hope

by Tracy Lee

  I was livid.

  I thought my head would explode at any moment. "This life is nothing but a penance set on me for causing the deaths of my husband and child," I burst out, screaming into Oliver's direction.

  "You think you're responsible for their deaths?" Oliver chuckled.

  He was laughing.

  I backed away from him. I couldn't even stand to be in the same room with him at this moment. "You're laughing at my pain?" I could barely get the words to leave my throat. I had to turn away from him. I quickly walked back to my corner and slid down the wall, tuning into the sounds of static that surrounded me.

  I wanted to be with my family.

  I pulled my knees up and rested my elbows against them. Resting the palm of my hands against my eyes, I began to drive them deeper into the sockets. Why couldn't it have been me? The truck hit my side, I should be dead and Charlie and Sawyer should be at home, playing and laughing. Sure, they would've mourned my death, but they wouldn't have had a choice but to move on.

  I had nothing to motivate me into making that choice. I felt my body begin to shake as I began sobbing harder than I had since the accident. I sat there for what seemed like forever questioning why I was the one that was left. I didn't want to be here. I would trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat.

  I instantly raised my head at the feeling of Oliver's hand touching my shoulder.

  "Why!" I exclaimed, biting back the sobs threatening to choke me. I needed a reason. I needed to know why my wonderful, amazing husband and my beautiful, loving, spirited son were taken from me. Why did I have to live to dread yet another day without them? I didn't get a response from Oliver. I sucked back the moisture I felt running down the side of my nose as I drew in a deep breath.

  "Why them?"

  Immediately, Oliver's soft toned voice cut to my ears. "Hope, I don't have the answer to that. All I know is that it wasn't you. I also know you were not responsible for that accident, so you need to get that out of your mind." I felt his hand rest gently over the top of mine and his breath hot on my cheek as he continued, "I'm sorry I laughed at you. It was uncalled for and extremely unprofessional. I ask that you forgive me."

  I sucked in my breath at his apology and turned my face so that my cheek hit the warm skin of his. To my surprise, he didn't pull away.

  "You have been given an opportunity that not many get when they come that close to death."

  I felt his skin disappear from my face and let go of the breath I was holding.

  "I know for a fact that your husband would not want you living like this. Yes, you may have to overcome some obstacles, but hey…" Oliver reached under my chin and turned my head toward him as if he wanted me to look into his eyes, "I believe in you, Hope. You have the strength to do this."

  His finger fell from under my chin and I let my head fall forward, my long blonde hair that was no longer matted covered my face. Oliver's arm wrapped around my shoulders and he pulled me into him as I let everything out. My pain, sadness, regret, hate, every emotions poured out of me as I succumbed to an emotional upheaval that was long overdue.

  Once the tears started to subside I found enough strength to mumble out one word, "Goodbye."

  Oliver's arm gave me a gentle squeeze as he bent his head to tuck the hair behind my ear.

  "What did you say?" he asked so kindly.

  "I said goodbye," I repeated as I wiped the tears from my cheeks. Now it was his turn to straighten his posture. I couldn't see his face but by the rhythm in his breathing pattern he was either pissed off or laughing.

  "Not happenin', Hope. I'm not going anywhere. I signed on for this and I'm going to see it through, just like you are. So, if you think that you're going to get rid of me–"

  "I never got to say goodbye," I interrupted softly. And that was the truth, I didn't. I was in a coma when Charlie and Sawyer were put in the ground.

  Minutes passed before Oliver finally spoke.

  "We'll make sure to change that."

  Chapter 11

  "What the hell are you doing?"

  Once again, I was sitting in my car, scrubbing my face, and looking in the rearview mirror at an image I questioned.

  I had just left Hope after her meltdown; a meltdown that was way overdue. I didn't know what felt worse, the guilt as it plastered itself to my body for being the reason her freak out began or that I was beginning to feel something strange when it came to Hope Saxton.

  "Let it go, dude. She's a client and you're a professional." I felt the need to chastise myself.

  This wasn't me, I didn't behave like this. A feeling like this had never come over me before toward a client and it wasn't going to begin now. "Her husband's not even cold in the ground," I said to the empty car. I needed to rationalize my thoughts and get them under control, but every time I thought about Hope a peaceful warmth fill me until it was almost overwhelming.

  I hadn't felt something like this since…Kayla.

  Looking around the parking lot, I wanted to make sure that no one was present for my private freak out. I thought back to that moment when something changed. I pulled her chin in my direction and gazed at the beauty that was standing in front of me. The sorrow that disguised itself as anger all throughout her body language, her words…it was like a terminal disease eating away at her. Her eyes were closed, but that didn't matter. I could see so much more than her looking back at me. The way her freckles trailed down both sides of her nose, the rose tinge that was naturally stained on her lips, begging for me to swipe my tongue across them. Her cheekbones were sculpted as if an artist chiseled them out himself. I could smell the peach scent of her shampoo mixed with her scent and it was almost irresistible. There was nothing I wanted to do more than run my fingers over her blonde locks, pushing them away from her face as I leaned down to gently press my lips to hers.

  She didn't know that I was watching her and for that I felt kind of dirty, but seeing her cleaned up made me wonder how she was back before the accident. My mind instantly imagined a glowing smile beaming across her still wet mouth from where her husband just kissed her as she carried on around the kitchen.

  Suddenly, the idea of another man laying his lips on hers made knots begin to form in my gut.

  I ran my hands through my hair to cast away the thoughts that I knew were wrong. In fact, I would deny I ever had them. Over the past months, I've found myself spending an excessive amount of time with Hope. I told myself it was because of the rehab but, deep down inside, I knew it was because of the feelings I developed when I was around her. I liked it, I wanted more of it. I started out spending an hour with her now I was finding myself staying all morning. We worked, of course, and I was proud of the progress she was making, but she still had a long way to go.

  I drew in a deep breath as I started up my car. Rapid knocking sounded on my window and scared the hell out of me. As I jumped quickly back around, I noticed it was one of the nurses that was laughing at me the first day I was here. She was breathing heavily and looked disheveled. The first thought that popped into my head was that something was very wrong and the image that accompanied that feeling was Hope's face.

  I rushed to roll down my window as she panted, trying to get in enough breath to form a sentence. I wasn't wasting any time. Throwing the car in park, I turned off the car and jumped out as she breathed what she needed to say.

  "Sh…she…she's scre…screaming for you." The nurse finally got out, but I had already began sprinting across the parking lot, praying that the worst wasn't happening. I flew past the main desk and the nurse's station, pushing my way through the group of nurses and doctors struggling to get her strapped down on the bed. I saw one doctor on the side filling a syringe with a fluid that no doubt would knock her out.

  I pushed through to stand beside her and immediately got close enough for her to hear my voice. The noise around us had become nothing but background chatter now, I even gave up on asking her to turn it off. She wanted it on, she could keep it on. For now.<
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  "Hope, it's Ollie. I'm here."

  As I finished my statement, her screaming diminished to nothing more than a whimper. I looked around me at all of the staff whose eyes were all locked on mine. I didn't say a word, I just shook my head as I continued to speak with her in a soft voice.

  "I'm here and everything's okay. You need to calm down. Once you do, we'll talk. Until then, honey… you need to breathe."

  "Don't leave me again…ever again!" Hope whispered as her head fell back to the pillow. I grabbed her hand in mine and began rubbing slowly. I immediately felt the warmth fill me and I fought it, pushing it back down inside me. This was neither the place nor the time. My heart twitched as she gripped my hand back, showing me how grateful she was for my presence. God, this shit needs to stop. I was being a prick and I knew it, getting my body to act accordingly was the hard part.

  I looked around the room once more as I calmly reiterated that all was fine and that everyone was leaving. I nodded my head this time so all would take a hint and leave the room. I didn't give a shit about what anyone thought of the scene in front of them, they just needed to go. Luckily, it didn't take long before they began to shuffle out.

  I was such a bastard. I brought this on and she was still feeling the aftershocks of what I said. I made sure to make a mental note never to do the tough love treatment with her again. I sat there as she calmed down enough to relax and eventually she fall asleep. I continued to hold her hand as she slept, my eyes never leaving her face. Her face was tight and there was nothing more that I wanted to do then to kiss away that pain for her, to wrap her up in my arms, take all that had destroyed her, and absorb it into me. I closed my eyes at the thought and slowly pulled my hand out of hers.

  Hope tossed and turned, mumbling softly in her sleep. Some words I could hear, others were just jumbled. "Stay, I need you," she whispered as she turned onto her side. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. She needed me. Maybe she was feeling something close to what I was feeling? But, how could that be? She was still in deep depression over losing her husband. I cleared my mind as I reached over and pushed her hair away from her face. Then a word came out of her mouth that just about broke me.

  "Charlie."

  * * *

  The silence that was present as I walked into my apartment that evening was so thick, it stifled me. As I passed the television to grab a beer, I pushed the power button. The sound of the announcer's voice from the baseball game broke the noiseless ambiance I could not get used to no matter how long it had been since Kayla left. Twisting the cap off a beer, I put the bottle up to my lips and allowed the ice cold liquid to roll down the back of my throat. I could hear the names of old players so I immediately knew this was a rerun of an older game. I wasn't into it, I just turned it on to cut the air with the sound of…

  That's when it hit me.

  I couldn't stay in that apartment. So, I grabbed my jacket and decided to visit somewhere I knew I shouldn't go but needed to be. Walking down to the bar that evening, I couldn't think of anything other than Hope. I flashed back to this afternoon when the doctor was filling that syringe with the sedative as anger began to take over my body.

  I blew it off as I opened the door to the bar. Hearing my name mentioned as I walked in lifted that feeling of loneliness that had become my best friend lately. I cracked a small smile. I headed directly to the stool that I had claimed as mine months ago. It was the closest to the beer fridge so it didn't take much for me to reach over and grab a new one. I kept close tabs on each one I took, these were my friends and I really wasn't that kind of person. They knew that and I knew that.

  Or did I?

  "Usual, Ollie?" Jackie asked in her deep, throaty voice as she automatically reached into the fridge and handed me a longneck. She winked as she set it in front of me. I raised the side of my mouth in response. It was nice to have someone know me so well, or even at all.

  I missed that.

  I could see someone approaching from the corner of my eye but I wasn't in the mood to entertain anyone, so I kept my eyes forward until I heard Glenn's voice.

  "Look like you need some company, son."

  I lifted the bottle to my lips as I turned in his direction. Glenn was shitfaced. His words were past a touch of a slur but I could still understand him, so I knew he'd be here for a few more hours.

  "Tough day, Glenn," I answered as I set my bottle down. I saw his head fall back and knew he'd downed the gold liquid that filled most of his glass. I was amazed at how he could drink the strong alcohol like it was water.

  "Way you're nursin' that beer, one might think you got lots on your mind."

  Of course he was right, but I wasn't going to talk about this with anyone. I needed to think about what I was going to do and I didn't have many choices. I knew my boss wasn't going to let me off this case, therefore I'd have no choice but to resign or man the hell up and do my job.

  "Ollie. You with me, Ollie?" Glenn's question brought me back to reality. I hadn't heard a word he'd said, so god only knew what he was talking about. I looked beside me and noticed his eyes were nothing but slits, he could barely keep them open. This made me wonder when the last time he actually slept was. I looked over the whole of him and realized he looked terrible.

  His silver hair was oily and unbrushed. I doubt he even owned a brush. His tan skin was wrinkled and sagging, surely from extreme weight loss and years of working out in the sun. The shirt he was wearing was dingy and stained and he looked like he hadn't eaten in weeks. I felt for the guy. You could tell he was in pain and the only way he could deal with it was by not dealing with it.

  I pulled a long swallow off my beer again, thinking here I was feeling sorry for myself over a job I was pissing way due to stupid shit that never should be and this man would probably give his left arm to have any job. I quickly made a mental note to see if there were any janitorial jobs available at the office.

  "How you doin', Glenn? The way you're pounding that glass, one might think you have lots on your mind?" I asked since my conscience was beating against my chest to show some type of sympathy. That was when I saw it. The way his posture straightened and his eyes widened a bit. A smile crested over the sadness and he set his empty glass down as he turned toward me, giving me his full attention.

  "Don't get asked that question much, Ollie. Not really one to air my dirty laundry, but I like ya, kid and I see a lot of me in you. It scares me." At this confession, my attention became locked on Glenn. What in the hell was he talking about? I finished off my beer and reached over the bar calling Jackie's name to let her know I was taking another one.

  I had a feeling that this beer wasn't going to be enough after Glenn said what he had to say.

  "Never fails. You're in here every night, sitting there, drinking yourself drunk enough to go home and pass out just to wake up and start that cycle all over again. Don't know all the details but I have a feeling it has to do with a woman. Not asking you to go there if you don't want to, but at some point, you'll need to go there if you want to heal. Trust me, I've got so many wounds life's ripped open because I'm too busy pushing shit down, hoping I won't have to deal with it, there's no way the scars will ever begin to form. If you don't have scars, you don't heal, got me? Now, I know work is hard but it's not the reason you're here. You wanna talk about it or do I have to sit here another six months watching you miss out on the best part of life?"

  I didn't know what to say to that. The worst part is that he was right. For the last six months, I'd walk my ass down here every night, right to this very stool, and wouldn't leave until I had enough alcohol in me to pass out.

  By my age, not that thirty-two was old, I'd always thought I'd be settled; beautiful wife to come home to, maybe a kid running around the house with one on the way. Yet, here I was with nothing to show for aside from some used furniture I got for cheap when Kayla took everything out of our condo.

  "Not really in the mood tonight, Glenn," I said as I raised my bottle, fin
ishing off what was left of the watered down stuff. I looked over to Glenn who sat there staring at me as though that would make me talk. It wasn't going to work.

  I watched as Glenn closed his eyes and kept them closed for a moment. Finally, he replied, "Well, I'm here for ya if ever you need me." With that, he hesitantly rose from the barstool to return to his place at the other end of the bar. I wasn't going to beg him to stay. I wanted to be by myself to figure out just what the hell I planned on doing.

  I saw Jackie come around the side of the bar, so I raised my hand to grab her attention. Quickly, she walked down to where I sat and removed my old beer bottles.

  "Need a shot of tequila, Jackie. Make it a double." Jackie set a glass down in front of me and began to fill it a little more than half way. "He's just tryin' to feel useful you know," Jackie stated quietly as though she didn't want anyone else to hear our conversation. I didn't know what she was talking about and I'm sure she noticed the look of confusion that now covered my face.

  "Glenn…" she stated as she started wiping down a dry bar. "You know his story…" Her face turned up to mine and, again, I'm sure she could still see the confusion that continued to grow the more she spoke.

  "Oh my god, you don't know."

  Her wiping became incessant and I became more enthralled at her attempt to wipe off the Mike loves Anna that was carved into the wood of the bar. If she kept this up, it was sure to be gone in no time.

  Suddenly, she pushed her little body up over the bar as the side of her mouth began to move.

  "Rumor is… he lost his daughter. Then, to make matters worse, his wife took off." Jackie slipped back down to her feet and began shaking her head. "Can't tell you the pain I feel for that man right there. Doesn't have anything anymore, gave it all up. It's like he doesn't give a shit about anything. Not to say I don't blame the guy, I mean, what kind of woman goes and does that to someone?"