by Tracy Lee
I knew what kind of person gives up on everything; the same woman who lost just as much as he did.
With that said, I felt bad for the way I blew him off. I made a mental note to stop on my way out and apologize. I finished my drink and decided it was time to go home. I had a busy day tomorrow.
Chapter 12
"Mommy, can you see me?"
That voice was what I longed for. I could see him flying high in the swing, his feet pumping in and out as he pushed higher into the sky.
"Mommy, I'm flying!"
I could see Sawyer, the sky…it was all so beautiful. The clouds above me were so white and the blue was so clear. I looked around, noticing everything in the park. The trees as the leaves covered every branch and the green grass caught my eye and I soaked up the vision. I kept turning in circles, taking everything in around me and I wasn't about to stop.
That was until I heard his voice.
"Sawyer, time to eat. Mommy made this great picnic basket, let's not let it go to waste."
Charlie.
Quickly, I turned in the direction of his voice and saw him lying across the plaid blanket, perched on his side with his hand holding his head up. His eyes were locked on me as mine were on him.
I didn't waste a moment. I ran as fast as I could, knocking him onto his back. This was a dream and I knew it. But, I didn't care as long as I was with them.
"Baby, what's wrong?" Charlie asked as though everything was normal. Maybe he didn't know he was gone. I wasn't going to bring it up because I didn't want to ruin this moment. I picked my head up and just stared into his crystal blue eyes. I memorized every part of his face and ran my fingers through his hair, feeling the silky caress. I pushed my lips down on his and opened my mouth to allow him entrance. I needed to taste him again. I missed him more than I could ever imagine.
He didn't need coaxing, he brushed his tongue against mine and I calmed. I pulled him against me and deepened the kiss. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I held on as tight as I could. I didn't want this moment to stop. Wherever I was, I wanted to stay here forever.
Charlie's arms tightened around me as I pushed my pelvis against him. I could feel him against me and I moved my hips just a bit. Charlie broke the kiss.
"Honey, what's wrong? Sawyer is right there and if you keep this up we're going to get arrested for indecent exposure."
I figured I better say something so as not to worry him anymore. I ran my fingers over his forehead, pushing his hair off of his face.
"I…I…I've just missed you, that's all," I stumbled out, holding back months and months of tears. I didn't know how long this would last or when I would be here again, but I knew I wanted to see Sawyer and spend some time with him. So, I sat up and fixed myself as I yelled for him to come to me.
I could see everything. I felt a small tear run down my cheek as I watched my son dig his feet into the sand to stop himself. Each time the swing became slower and slower. Finally, it was slow enough for him to jump off. My breath caught in my throat at the thought of him getting hurt, but then I remembered that this wasn't real.
God, what I would've given for this to be real.
Sawyer was running toward me. He was older, around seven or eight, and I couldn't get him in my arms fast enough. As soon as I felt his skin against mine, life came back to me. I was whole again. I wrapped my arms around him and breathed him in. If I could've taken his soul into me, I would have. I backed up a moment to take in his features. He was so handsome, just like I knew he would be. My blonde hair, Charlie's blue eyes, freckles danced across his nose just like they had done mine when I was a child. I brushed his hair back and took in all of him.
My son… my everything.
"Mommy, did you see how high I was?"
I wanted to answer him, but nothing would come out. I just nodded my head. Sawyer reached out his hand for me to take and I didn't hesitate. I closed my eyes and reveled in this moment. For all I knew, it would be gone with my next breath.
"Babe, come sit over here. Lunch is ready. Everything looks so good," Charlie said as he eyed the scrumptious looking morsels I supposedly made.
"Sit by me, mommy!" Sawyer exclaimed as he pulled me along. I giggled as I began to walk quickly behind him. The sound of the wind blowing through the trees and the sun's warmth beaming down on my face, I never wanted this moment to end.
Maybe I had died and gone to heaven, I thought to myself. This dream was lasting a lot longer than the others one had. Maybe this was my destiny. To be here, in this place, with them; finally back together once and for all.
Taking a seat on the plaid blanket next to Sawyer, I leaned on my elbows and tilted my face up into the sunlight. The soft grass tickled my hands as I laid them back behind me. I curled my hand up tightly, digging my fingers into the cold dirt as though it was my anchor keeping me tied to this place.
"Hope, what do you want?"
My name on Charlie's tongue made me melt inside. I hadn't heard it in so long. I brought my head up and opened my eyes.
"Say it again."
Charlie stopped dishing out food onto Sawyer's plate and looked up at me with a smile. "What do you want to eat?" he asked with a laugh in his voice, bewildered as to why I would want him to repeat such a simple request.
"No… no," I said with a smile. "I want to hear you say my name." Suddenly, the smile left his face and his eyes grew warm as he looked deeply into my eyes. "Hope, my darling Hope."
I closed my eyes and played it over and over again in my head. I wanted to hear it every moment of every hour of every day. My throat began stinging as I swallowed the sobs that were pleading to leave me. I couldn't allow it, this was a happy time.
"Mommy, can you see me?"
I could hear Sawyer's question as I slowly began to open my eyes.
Everything had changed.
My surroundings were not in a beautiful park sitting next to my son and my husband. The sun was not beaming down on me warm and bright, there was no grass gripped in my hands anymore and I wasn't happy to be where I was.
I was back in that car.
"Had a great time tonight, babe."
Don't say that! Don't say those words. I couldn't hear them again! I couldn't deal with the outcome that I knew was coming; it always came and I was sick to fucking death of seeing it.
"Take it back," I whispered softly. Suddenly, Charlie's head turned my way.
"Take it back, Charlie…take back those words this instant! Do it, Charlie, say you didn't mean them."
I was yelling and talking so fast, I barely drew in a breath. His eyes were big, his brows were drawn in, and concern filled his face.
"What? Why…what's going on, babe? Are…are you okay?"
I wasn't okay, I was hysterical. Nothing else would come out of my mouth but those words. "Take them back, Charlie…take it all back! Every bit of it!" This was a nightmare that kept replaying in my mind. Over and over again I had to live through the night that my husband and son died and there was nothing I could do to change the outcome.
The light turned green and I braced myself. I closed my eyes because I knew the end of my dream was near. I felt the car take off slowly and then we built up speed. Just then, I saw the bright light and…
I didn't go back to sleep for the rest of the night.
The tears wouldn't allow it.
* * *
"Time to wake up, sleepyhead!"
I heard his voice but I didn't want to wake up, I wanted just to stay where I was. The noise of fast shuffling registered in my head. He was busy doing god only knows what and I had a feeling I wasn't going to like it.
"Hope…"
The shuffling stopped and I had a feeling he was looking down at me.
"Time…to…get…up." That deep, country accent was trying to come across as demanding but he didn't fool me.
"I'm up," I mumbled so that he would get off my ass. I sat up, smiled a side smile, and turned over to my other side. I couldn't see his reaction
but I had a feeling he was getting pretty pissed off.
"We have a lot of work to do seeing's how I haven't been here in two days," Oliver said as the shuffling continued. Now it was my turned to be confused. Two days? We had just met yesterday.
I sat up quickly and scratched my head. "What do you mean two days? You just came yesterday." The shuffling once again stopped and I heard his feet stomping as they came my way. I felt the bed sink in and I knew he was sitting next to me.
"Hope, honey, you've been out for two days now. I tried to come, but you were totally out of it. It was like you were in a coma."
That's why my dream was so long, I mused to myself as the thoughts of what the hell those doctors gave me ran through my head. Out of nowhere, I felt Oliver's hand lay over the top of mine. His hand was warm and consumed mine. It was then I realized that I had never had any type of contact with this man. He had been coming to me every day for almost a year and I knew nothing about him. His grasp on my hand became tighter and the heat he produced sent chills up my arm.
"I want you to know that I came. I sat here, Hope… hoping that you would wake up and talk to me about what's going on."
I didn't say anything, what could I say? That I had been spending time with my dead husband and son? That was our time not anyone else's and I wanted to keep it that way. Just like everything else in my life, I wanted to be left alone.
I kept my head straight but pulled my other hand up slowly, very slowly, allowing it to travel across my lap onto my other side. I sat my hand atop of Oliver's and laid it out flat. I pulled the tops of my fingers up as to wrap around the tips of his, but I couldn't, his hands were too big. I ran my fingers slowly over his skin, taking in what his hands felt like. The texture was soft, but not like a woman's. His skin was worn but smooth. I could feel the tops of his knuckles, they were rigid. Continuing up slowly, his fingers were skinny but they were a good size. I ran my thumb over the skin on the inside of his hand and felt calluses. He was a hard worker and he used his hands a lot. His fingernails were short and jagged as if he bit them. I let out a small giggle.
"What's so funny?" Oliver asked as I continued stroking his hand, taking in all I could get out of this tactile skill.
"You bite your nails."
He laughed a small laugh but didn't say anything as I continued on with my inspection. My hands found his wrist and continued up his lower arm. I was being drawn to keep going, but I knew I wouldn't go any higher. His skin was still warm as I ran my fingers over the light amount of hair that covered his arms. The muscles contracted and relaxed under my touch and I pulled back quickly.
"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed as I began to stand up. Oliver's hand caught mine and didn't allow me to pull away. "What are you sorry for?" he retorted almost immediately. "This is how you learn, Hope. How you get to know your surroundings. People who you care about, animals that bring you joy… they can see you, appreciate what is in their sight, don't you want to be able to have that, too? Don't apologize for making a huge accomplishment."
Slowly, I turned to the side, crossed my legs Indian style, and shyly asked, "Do you mind…if…if I see what you look like?"
I didn't hear his response but I felt the bed move as though he was turning to face me. He didn't pull his hands away from mine as he made himself comfortable in front of me. Gently, I sat his hands down in his lap and moved my hands up to his face. Cupping my hands to the side of his face, I felt the warmth of his skin against my cold hands. I smiled a small smile at the feeling it brought to me. I missed having that type of warmth against my skin. Lowering my hands, I could feel the soft facial hair that lay gently against his skin. I let out a small embarrassed laugh as I heard him laugh.
"What?" Oliver asked through his smile.
"I didn't picture you with a beard," I responded through my laughter.
I cupped his jaw in my hand and could feel it tick where he was clenching and releasing. Quickly, I pulled my hands away just to have him catch them and place them back on his skin. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," I quietly whispered as he held my hands to his face.
"Don't apologize," Oliver whispered as I felt him move closer to me, his body heat invading my space. "Don't ever be sorry," he finished in a whisper, his lips almost touching mine.
I brought my hands up to the top of his head and started back down over his features. Running my fingertips over his eyebrows, I could feel they were furrowed. I massaged the area between them to see if they would relax. I felt them pull apart slowly. Carefully, I ran my hands over his eyes.
"What color are your eyes?" I asked as I felt them twitch under my touch.
"Brown," Oliver answered instantly. I could hear the nervousness in his tone, but I continued on with my journey, taking in his features as they painted a picture that I could see in my head. It was the most incredible feeling I had ever encountered. To see exactly what I wanted to see, not what I was supposed to see. The perfection of what was in front of me through my mind's eye had me giddy with empowerment. I had a gift that the normal person had but wasn't capable of using. Fulfillment once again ran through my body for just a moment and I realized how much I missed it. I hadn't felt that feeling since… well… I continued by running my fingers over his nose. I found it was the perfect size as I followed the path down both sides to his cheekbones.
His face was thin but not too thin. The contour of his bone structure under my fingers was beautiful to touch, to be able to describe it in words would never do it justice, but I could literally feel the life within him. The heat from his skin meant the blood flow was strong. The nervous tick in his jaw meant that his heart was beating fast. His answer to my question was in a nervous response, he was more than just living…he was Alive.
With the softest of touches, I ran my fingers over his lips. His beard was cut over his top lip, which was thin but fit nicely up against his lower full lip. I smiled at the thought of his gorgeous smile.
Just as I went to pull away, Oliver grabbed my hand up against his lips. I didn't know if I should pull away or stay, but something inside of me told me not to move. We sat there silently, my eyes closed as I pictured what emotion was showing on his beautiful face. I made sure that my face was emotionless because I didn't want him reading my thoughts.
I was overwhelmed with what had just happened and how I felt about it. Thoughts of what he felt like against my fingers, how the temperature of his skin warmed my entire body. I thought of my hands under his, how he directed them where he wanted my touch. I quickly wondered what it would be like to move my hands all over him like that and that thought made me feel something. Something I hadn't felt in so long…
Alive.
Suddenly, a wave of grief and guilt overcame me. This was so wrong. I should never allow thoughts like that to control my mind when I should be remembering my husband and son.
I shook my head trying to rid the thoughts. Touch, to me, had always been an intimate expression of feelings. The way you comfort a close personal friend by putting your arms around them in a hug, pulling them into you as you protect them from whatever it is that has hurt or tried to harm them. An intimate touch can say words that your mouth could never come close to interpreting. Take for instance, the private touch of a lover. Exploring every inch of the one who your heart bleeds for, making them yours as you memorize every part of them. This was wrong to think about when it came to Oliver…
But, I couldn't stop myself.
I felt the bed move as Oliver got up. I heard his feet shuffling toward the door and then stop. Turning my body in that direction, I jumped when his voice caught me off guard.
"You have ten minutes to get ready, we're going somewhere."
Chapter 13
My mind was going a thousand miles a minute. Where was he taking me? What will I have to do? I wasn't ready to go outside into the real world, I never wanted to step foot out there again. I felt Oliver's hand grasp around mine and he started to move.
"Now, as
we move, I'm going to give you instructions. If there is a step, I'll tell you up or down. If we need to turn right, I will tell you. Got me?"
Hell no I didn't get him. First of all, I wasn't ready for this and, second, I couldn't put my trust in another single human being. Last time I did that…
I didn't want to be here, but I knew he was going to go with or without me liking it, so I took a deep breath and blew it out. Since I didn't answer him, he took it upon himself to begin our little adventure. I decided to focus on the movements. I felt the door open and it seemed as though the noise from my room became louder as it echoed down the hallway. Once muffled voices became distinct as we walked slowly down the long corridor. I shuffled my feet, scared of not knowing what could be in front of me…surrounding me. I recognized some nurses by their voices and imagined what they looked like by the range in their tones. Whether I was right or wrong, I'd never know, but it took my mind off of the overwhelming sensations. I pulled my hand out of Oliver's hand and he quickly grabbed it back.
"I don't feel comfortable with this, Oliver," I pleaded. Suddenly, his mouth was at my ear. I could feel his cool breath blowing against the side of my face. My skin broke out in chill bumps as I took a deep breath, pushing back my thoughts and ignoring my body's response.
"You can do this, Hope. I know you can. You're strong, a little walk won't take that power from you."
"I'm scared," I whispered, not realizing what was coming out of my mouth until I heard the words.
Oliver's arm wrapped around me and pulled me close to him, attempting to absorb the fear that I felt. "I would never take you somewhere that would put you in any type of harm, you know that right?" Oliver whispered to the top of my head. I nuzzled in closer, taking in his scent and trying so hard to just get a glimpse at what drove this man to be so wonderful. He didn't have to do this, any of this, but he did. Every day he came here, fought with me over just putting socks on and, yet, he found something inside of him that made him come back the very next day.