by Tracy Lee
I was safe with him.
I nodded silently and felt his response vibrate in his chest. Oliver wrapped my hand around the middle of his arm and pulled me close to him.
"You ready?" Oliver asked.
"Do I have a choice?" I replied to his one word question.
"Nope." I didn't find this answer surprising. Oliver Sheldon was a man of few words. I heard his foot fall with the first step, so I picked up my foot and repeated his action. Then another…then another.
My mind was going a thousand miles a minute. With every sound, I imagined what I could associate it with. Walking close to the kitchen, I could hear pots and pans banging together as the cooks prepared lunch for the patients. Men speaking, barking out orders to make sure casseroles didn't burn and that the bread was laid out to thaw.
Walking past the nurses station, I found myself eavesdropping in on conversations concerning other patients and their medication schedules. I pictured the nurses flipping through charts and writing down notes for the next caregivers that would come on duty.
The noise from my room began to grow softer the farther we travelled and I secretly wanted to run back to it, fall into my little spot in the corner and close my eyes. Our stride became a bit faster as we continued down a long, straight corridor. It was quiet, I had never been down this hallway… or maybe I had. I was brought in on a stretcher so I wasn't sure of the route we had taken to get to my room.
Voices became louder and I recognized them. It took a moment, but I knew each one. They were the nurses that would bring me meds, come in check my vitals, and maybe try to get me out of bed to walk around for a while. They stopped coming when I began throwing things at them. Their laughter and jovial conversations came to an abrupt stop as we approached them. The sounds of throats clearing and gasps filled the air around me and I became rigid.
"Ladies…we're just going for a stroll. Shouldn't be long," Oliver said in his over-exaggerated southern accent. "You okay?" I felt Oliver's eyes on me so I gave him what he wanted, a quick yes.
"Okay, we're going to turn right here, go down about fifty feet, and head out the door," Oliver said. I took a deep breath attempting to breathe in some of his confidence and gave him a shaky nod. His hand covered mine and I tightened my grip as we continued down the hall.
I counted silently as we made our way to the door that led to my biggest fear of walking out into the world again. I allowed my mind to wander to the one thing that gave me strength; the man I was holding onto. At that moment, I came to realize that I had to put all my faith and trust in him to lead me somewhere that was pleasant and secure.
I would never take you somewhere that would put you in any type of harm, you know that right?
Oliver's words came back to me in a flash and I attempted to relax my stance a bit and allow him to lead me on. The clanking of the large door opening caught me off guard and I heard him whisper a soft apology. From the warmth of the sun and the smells of the city, I knew we were outside. I stopped in my tracks and felt Oliver's grip tighten, encouraging me to proceed.
"Just a little further. Nothing out here but an empty parking lot," Oliver reassured. I hesitantly took a step and felt the stone of the concrete under my feet. My thin slippers allowed some of the heat to slip through the bottoms and I let go of the breath I was holding. The warmth felt nice. It had been so long since I had sensed anything other than cold concrete floors. I relaxed a bit more and stopped pulling back so much. I leaned my head up to let the rays of the sun hit me on my face and I smiled.
Oliver's hand loosened a bit as I heard him chuckle. The smile fell from my lips as I turned in his direction.
"What's so funny?" I asked with all seriousness. He was supposed to be leading me, not interrupting my moment.
"I saw that smirk come across your lips. Admit it, it feels good out here," Oliver replied with a smile on his face. I could hear it as he spoke.
"I'm not admitting anything," I said in a stern voice. Several moments later, I felt the concrete disappear from under me and the soft crunch of grass replace it. "Where are we?" I asked, concerned about where we were going.
I could hear the sound of traffic muffled in the background. We weren't close, but we weren't too far away either. "We're here!" Oliver exclaimed.
"Where's here?" I threw back at him quickly. There was no answer. Finally, he told me to sit down right where I was. I reached my hand out to see if there was a chair or something to sit in and didn't feel anything. That's when I heard his voice. "We're in a small park, Hope. When you sit down you will be sitting in the grass. Nothing is around you, I want to try something."
With his words, my voice went rigid. Just like the other doctors always wanting to try shit out on me. Well, I wasn't having it. "No, you're not," I demanded.
The air around me changed. I didn't know if it was because he was aggravated or pissed off but, to be quite honest, I really didn't care. His voice came from the other direction and seemed like it was moving closer to me. "I'm not going to do anything to you, I just want to ask you a couple of questions." The grass made a swishing sound as Oliver came to sit next to me.
"Lean back and relax." His voice was soft and calm. It almost had an inviting tone to it… almost.
I sat as still as a statue and didn't say a word. I wasn't going to be treated like a lab rat to see who could make me their breakthrough case.
"Hope…" The way my name came out of his mouth was almost irritating. It was as if he was mocking me, but I could hear the frustration in his tone and that made me smile on the inside.
"This isn't going to be bad."
I didn't let him finish because I didn't want to hear what he had to say.
"I am no one's fuckin' lab rat," I said, my voice dripping with anger.
You could hear the breath leave his lungs at my statement. I thought he was different, that he actually cared about what was wrong with me. I reassured myself that this was why there would only ever be Charlie. He understood me, accepted me. The only thing that was wrong with this situation was that he was gone.
Dead.
I gripped my eyes closed at the dull the sting of pain. I felt a reassuring warmth on my shoulder. I knew that warmth, it was Oliver's warmth.
"Hope, honey, lay back." His voice was calm and soft, soothing the pain that had now overcome me. Without even thinking, I did as he said. I slowly made my way back, allowing his hand to glide me down until I was lying on my back. I relaxed my face because although I couldn't see, the blackness suddenly wasn't as black.
I smiled again. It wasn't much, but it wasn't so dark.
"Tell me what you see."
"What?" Was this a big ass joke to him? How dare he ask a question like that!
"Before you get all sorted out of shape, I know you see something."
"I see darkness."
"Look deeper," Oliver immediately responded.
Now I was the one getting frustrated. This was why he brought me out here…out of my comfort zone? For him to ask me some sort of stupid question?
"Looking deeper, still see black. Can we stop the nonsense and go back in now?" I asked, turning my head in his direction. As I did this, my nose sensed the grass and the earthiness of the soil. If my eyes weren't already closed, I would've closed them as I pictured the grass and remembered it.
"No, we're not going back inside. Tell me what you see when you smell this."
I felt his body come closer to mine and it made me shiver. I blew off the feeling and braced myself for what he was about to stick in my face. I caught a hint of the aroma that I knew I had experienced before when I could see. It was sweet with just a tinge of spice… Jasmine. My body automatically relaxed. I took another deep breath in, allowing it to fill my lungs and overwhelm my senses. Oliver made another pass of the perfumed flower as I continued taking in the wonderful scent. The honeyed sweetness took me back to a time when I had been happy. Candles surrounded us, the bouquet of the jasmine diminished the cares of the worl
d, and it was just us. Charlie and I had just made love. Lost in each other, his body intertwined with mine, I felt nothing but his love as it washed over me. Quickly, I turned my head in the other direction.
"What do you see, Hope?" Oliver asked cautiously. He didn't know what that scent would bring up for me. I figured he was attempting to do something nice, trying to get me to recognize familiar things, but it was too hard for me to say anything.
So, I didn't answer him.
"Hope?"
"It's Jasmine," I said in a low, monotone voice.
"It is Jasmine. Now, what do you see?"
"Why are you doing this?"
I sat up in a defensive poise, my back rigid and ready for a fight. I didn't like where this was going, I didn't want to be reminded of what I so desperately missed.
Oliver was quiet for a while. Finally, I heard him speak.
"I'm going to put something to your nose again, tell me what you see."
Quickly, he put his hand out to me and I could smell the sweet, deep fragrance of the gardenia. He didn't even have to come that close for me to recognize it. I pictured the last image I'd ever seen of that flower. My mother's garden; the bush of beautiful blossoms grew thick and the sweet smell of the buds danced around in the summertime air. The beautiful white pedals, so thin and soft, reminded me of white velvet. The way the bees swarmed around the blooms all day, every day made me realize that all of nature knew this was the scent of heaven.
I gripped my eyes closed again with the pain of knowing I would never be able to see this site again.
"What do you see?" Oliver asked once more and I couldn't hold it back any longer.
"Pain, Oliver…I see nothing but pain!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. In that moment, it hit me that I was not the independent woman I used to be. I couldn't even walk off to get away from the situation…I had no idea where the hell I was. I pulled my legs up to my chest and put my face in my hands.
I couldn't live this way, I wouldn't want my worst enemy to have to live in this hell. Even if I could become a halfway surviving human being, my mind would always be in that place where Charlie and Sawyer are and I wouldn't be living at all. So consumed by my thoughts, I didn't even realize that I was sobbing.
I heard a small "shit" leave Oliver's mouth and then I felt his hand on mine. It occurred to me that I didn't want this for him. Oliver was wasting his time by coming here and helping me every day. You couldn't help someone who wasn't worth helping. He needed to know I was done.
"I'm done, Oliver," I breathed out through the sobbing. I couldn't make the tears stop coming. All that kept going through my mind was how much I wanted to be back in that park with Charlie and Sawyer.
"Don't say that," Oliver muttered.
I'd had enough of this charade my mom, my dad, and even Libby kept going on about. I had even started to believe in the idea that maybe, just maybe, everything could eventually go back to normal and I would hopefully find some type of happiness.
My happiness was in a park, on a blanket, eating finger foods that I supposedly made.
"I can't stay in this place," I whispered this time. "I have nothing here anymore. My heart is gone, my spirit is broken…I can't even fight for some type of life anymore because the one I wanted was the life that was ripped away from me–"
"Goddammnit! Don't say it again!" His deep tone interrupted me and I could actually feel the air around us change. It was so thick you could cut it with a knife. His gravelly voice billowed through me, deep and demanding. He meant what he said and he wanted me to know it. I heard him draw in a deep breath as if he was pushing down his anger. I couldn't imagine why he would be angry about my life, I was a stranger to him.
I heard him laugh a bit before he spoke.
"You have no idea, do you?"
I was confused by his words, no idea about what? I'm sure my expression interpreted exactly what my thoughts were.
"You don't. You have no idea the beauty I see when I look at you, Hope." The air between us became heavy, but neither of us said a word. I sat there, caught off guard by what Oliver had just confessed. I could hear his voice whispering to himself as though he was fighting some internal battle that he wanted me to know no part of. His voice was now behind me, so I turned my body as to follow his movements.
"You have strength that goes beyond this world… it almost seems like a super power. To overcome what you have gone through and, deep down, still fight… and don't say you don't. I get to see it daily, Hope. Every time I open that door and see you take a drink of water or brush your teeth, I see it. Day after day, you get up, put your clothes on, and, even if you fight me, you still do what needs to be done to be who you want to be. The courage you show is mind blowing." As Oliver continued knocking me off kilter with his words, I could hear him draw closer to me. "Never have I met anyone like you…the way your face beams with excitement when you've accomplished something you didn't think you could. Seeing the memories come back to you in a wave of emotions…don't think I can't see them, they are written all over your face," he said as he chuckled.
"I'm not brave," I whispered as I heard him drop down next to me. "Why do you do that?" Oliver breathed against my face. "Why do you push away the good and suck up the bad? Look at you…" I sniffed up what was left of my pity party and decided to put myself back on the defense since he obviously had an issue with me.
"Oh, I see me, Ollie…I see who I am and what I've become! I don't want to be this person anymore!" I yelled, saying the thoughts that had been trapped deep inside of me all this time. It was almost therapeutic getting it out into the open.
"Bullshit! You're a coward! The person I know would think about the people that cared for her before herself!" he yelled back without gentleness or thought. "And, as hard as she fights, she wouldn't be giving up this easy." His breath was hot and fast as it blew against me. I could feel his body close to mine as I got up on my knees to bring myself to a power stance.
"They're better off without me," I stated.
"They're miserable without you," he snapped back.
We sat there for minutes not saying a word, our breaths intermingling between us. I didn't need to see him to know that he had his feelings completely exposed. I felt Oliver's hand come up and gently, almost lovingly, touch the side of my face. "That's the first time you've called me Ollie," he whispered. Even though I didn't want to admit it, his touch cleared my mind of all the chaos that had happened since the accident. The pushing away of my family…of Libby, all my fights with him; for just a moment, I felt free of all the bad.
I sat back down when he quickly drew back his hand and I couldn't feel him in front of me anymore. Thrown off by what was happening, I was hoping that maybe he had left me alone. I reached out my hands quickly to see if they would hit anything. There was nothing there. I relaxed my body and leaned back.
Then, I spoke through the darkness to no one.
"I see pain…every second of every day is filled with black and the agony of knowing I won't get to see my child's face ever again. This darkness…" I pointed to my eyes, "is the daily reminder that I will never be able to see that piece of jasmine you held up in front of me or relive the memories that the scent brings back to me."
I picked up my head and raised it up to the sun. I felt the rays heat my face, my tears evaporating before they had a chance to run down the sides of my face.
"I had to push them away, all of them. Just hearing my mom and dad's voices made my insides scream because they were a part of Charlie and Sawyer." I plucked a blade of grass from where I was sitting and ran it up sideways between my fingers, feeling the razor sharp edges slide against my skin. "When my mom would come by to see me, she'd always talk about what she would be doing in her garden, how the weather was beautiful, and all I would hear was how Sawyer had gotten so big since the last time she had seen him or how Charlie did a great job fixing something that needed to be repaired at their house."
I shook my head from side to
side. "It was for the best that I made them go away."
His voice surprised me but then I felt a feeling I hadn't experienced in a while… loyalty. Oliver didn't leave me even though I wanted him gone, he didn't let me push him away.
"And whose best interest did you have in mind, Hope?"
I didn't have to think about that answer. I knew who I was thinking about when it came to having to deal with a blind adult. It was time for mom and dad to be together and live their lives. They had raised their child, they didn't need to deal with an almost child-like adult.
"Theirs!" I exclaimed as though that would make my point valid.
"You think they're out traveling the world, drinking it up and enjoying life? Think they party it up every weekend like they should be doing?" His voice started to become thicker as he gritted the last part through his teeth. "No, they're at home worrying over their daughter who has kicked them out of her life for no apparent reason. Drenched in worry and guilt, their lives have come to a halt because of you having their best interest in mind. You think you're sad over losing your child?" My body filled with anger as he brought up Sawyer. How dare he go there! I went to speak, but he didn't let me. "Their child is lost, but not gone. Try imaging that type of pain!" Oliver's voice became almost explosive as to drown mine out.
He changed direction again, so he must've been pacing back and forth. This time his voice was back in front of me.
"You're thinking of their well-being? That's a crock of shit!"
Suddenly, I was the one who was up against him, poking my finger into his chest. "Don't you ever bring up my son! You don't know anything about having a child and then having it ripped away from you! I am a grown woman, I don't own them anything and they sure as shit don't need to waste their time on someone who doesn't want them around! As a matter of fact, why don't you go join them? Go! Get the fuck outta here! I don't want you here!"
I started to walk over the grass, I could feel it as I stomped away from him. I didn't know if I was going in the right direction and didn't really care, I just knew I needed to get as far away from him as I could.