by Tracy Lee
"Mr. Sheldon–"
"Ollie," I immediately interrupted. Mr. Sheldon sounded like my dad and I wasn't my dad.
"Ollie, if you've spent any time with my daughter you would know that she doesn't want us there."
"Sir, I have spent an enormous amount of time with your daughter…" I think I'm in love with her. "And have gotten to know her fairly well…" God, how I would love to spend every waking hour with her. "And we've had many conversations on how much you mean to her and her healing process." I wish she needed me as much as she needs you.
I couldn't believe the thoughts that were going through my head. This was so not the time for this and besides, I knew that she would never reciprocate that emotion; she was years away from that type of progress.
Just for a moment, the thought of how when I put my hand to her cheek she seemed to lean into it came to my mind and I began thinking maybe it wasn't that far off as I thought. I then realized her dad was saying something.
"…about her."
Oh god, I had missed that whole statement. I could see his lips moving but I wasn't paying attention to what he was saying. I took in a quick breath and asked him to repeat his question.
"How are we so sure that if we go to her and appear ready to help her deal with…with this, who's to say she will listen? This isn't just about her."
My face must've said what I was thinking because he quickly started speaking again.
"My wife and I have gone through so much because of this. First with our daughter forbidding us to come see her and then with the death of our grandson and son in law, it's all just been too much. My wife isn't in the best of health over it and me…"
He stopped talking and just shook his head. You could see he was fighting back the emotion with every shallow breath he took. His wife finished what he was going to say. "Our daughter, Faith, decided to stay close to home when it came to finishing up her last year in college and we have appreciated all her help." Her voice was shaky and yet she said what she had to say with an intensity.
I now knew where Hope got her force from.
I looked over at Faith as she wiped her eyes, brushing back the tears before they fell and caused a chain reaction of feelings this whole family had pushed down deep.
I decided that I needed to sit down for a moment, so I walked over to the couch where Faith was sitting and took a seat. I thought deeply about what to say and how to say it without causing anymore reaction. Seeing as it was nearly impossible, I decided to speak from my heart.
"Mr. and Mrs. Wesley, I'm not going to beat around the bush with you concerning Hope. She's fought me from day one." I felt the back of my head where I had physical evidence of how she felt toward me and smiled inside knowing how far we had both come. "She's in terrible pain for losing what's been taken from her but she can't push you away anymore. I'm hoping after today she's going to see that. Don't give up on her. Come back with me today and let's see if we can start this healing process for all of you."
"We miss our daughter, Ollie" Mrs. Wesley said through her tears.
Mr. Wesley wrapped his arm around his wife. She bowed her head into him and quietly shook as I heard him clear his throat as though he wasn't shedding any tears.
You couldn't help not to shed tears.
I took a deep breath as I pushed away my own emotion I felt for the woman I loved more than my own life. I vowed to myself that today was a new day and it was going to be the beginning of a new life for Hope Saxton.
"Your daughter is on her way home, Mrs. Wesley."
* * *
Looking through the glass window into the room, I saw that Hope had her arms wrapped around Glenn. I laid my head on the glass and closed my eyes. He did it, he got through. How much… I didn't know, but it was a start. I turned away and let them finish their moment as I went back out to the cafeteria where her parents and sister were waiting with a cup of coffee.
As they saw me approach, they jumped up wide-eyed.
"Can we see her… is she ready?" Mr. Wesley asked enthusiastically as his wife came beside him and tucked herself in cozily.
"She's finishing up, but as soon as she's ready, I will let her know you are here."
Suddenly, their faces became pale and blank and I thought back to what I said. "Uh uh, that's not gonna work," Faith said as she began pacing around nervously. "If you tell her we're here before she has a chance to hear us out, she won't see us," she continued.
"Faith, I can't just let you pop in there. That's not helping the situation. She needs to see that her making the decision to see you is a step in the right direction. She's not going to turn you away, okay?"
Faith quickly lurched forward and, before I could step away, she was already in her conversation. "This is not something that we can just fly by the seat of our pants, Mr. Sheldon. You better have some type of plan in place. I'm not taking any chances when it comes to my sister."
She was right.
I could see where she would be concerned, but this wasn't something you could have a definitive plan with. This was someone's life we were talking about and Hope had to deal with everything that had been laid out to her in her own time. Faith was just going to have to trust me and believe that this was going to work out.
I saw Glenn walk in behind Faith, wiping his face with his hand. I quickly needed to calm her down so that I could go find out the current status of how everyone was doing. I decided if she was anything like her sister, I was going to have to speak directly.
Taking her shoulders in my hands, I looked into her eyes that were the same as Hope's.
"Faith, you gotta trust me. I'm not here to make matters worse. Whether you believe me or not, I want what's best for your sister and your family. So, if you don't mind, that man was just in with your sister and I would really like to go find out what happened."
All three of their heads turned toward Glenn quickly and I let go of her shoulders. "If you all will give me ten minutes, I want to speak with Glenn and then go speak with Hope. Please, trust me. I may not have a plan put down on paper, but I know Hope and this is what she needs."
I didn't wait for them to answer, I just nodded and went directly to Glenn who was now sitting at another table a few feet away. He had his elbows up on the table with his head in his hands. He looked mentally exhausted. As I came up behind him, I patted him on the back, pulling him from his thoughts. I offered up a small grin as I sat across from him at the table and waited for him to say the first word.
It didn't take him long.
"You got yourself a pretty great gal there, Ollie."
I smiled but didn't say anything as he continued.
"Under all that sadness and pain…that woman could take on the world."
I nodded but still sat silent as he dropped his hands completely and leaned into the table.
"Not much longer and it would've consumed her, Ollie."
That's when I knew that everything was going to be better, that her healing process was now ready to begin. I closed my eyes and breathed a sigh of relief.
"Thank you, Glenn." Was all I could push out but I was filled with gratitude from head to toe. I made a mental note to make sure that Glenn was taken care of. "Wasn't me that did it. If anything, that ‘lil girl helped me," Glenn said. I was shocked still for a moment and he noticed.
"Haven't talked about my daughter in years. Not that I didn't want to, just… that pain was deep. I could feel it rip through me, took me weeks to get back to just above rock bottom."
It all made sense then. He lived as a bottom feeder. Took in nourishment, lived a life, but it was nothing. He was just there, as low as any human could get, but not low enough to make it all go away.
"Finally looked at my reflection and saw how I was living. Me and that ‘lil girl are no different. We are now, I can tell you that. Lost ghosts today that have been haunting us both and I have a feeling we owe it all to you."
I couldn't agree with him, but I wanted to go see Hope, so I stood and
he did as well. I grabbed his hand and pulled him into me, wrapping him up in a big bear hug. I owed him so much, I would never be able to fully repay him for what he did for me.
"I appreciate you, brother," I said as I clapped him on the back.
"Same to you. Now, go see your girl," Glenn whispered in my ear before he pulled back. I didn't waste any more time.
I went to see my girl.
Chapter 17
Hearing that door shut meant I could finally break down. I was by myself and I needed this time to put myself back together. I didn't make it to my spot behind the door, I just fell to my knees where I was and allowed my tears to run. How could I continue on without them? I didn't want to think about my life if they weren't there. People…friends were always going to come and go in your life but when you give someone a part of you that goes as deep as your bottomless soul, there's no way to recover from that.
I heard the door open slightly and Oliver's voice entered the room. "Can I come in?" I cleared my thoughts, sucked back the rest of my breakdown, and picked my head up off the floor. Standing up, I felt his presence close to me which brought me a feeling I hadn't felt in a while. Comfort.
"How you doing?" Ollie's voice was filled with concern, but I couldn't answer him. I wasn't sure how I was. I was a jumbled mess of emotions that I just wanted to let go of and talking to Glenn showed me that I needed to let go. Guilt consumed me, followed by overwhelming grief.
I missed my husband and son terribly, but I also missed my mom and dad. I knew deep down that Charlie wouldn't want me to live this way. If the roles were reversed, I would want him to find happiness again, but for some reason, I couldn't find that place for me.
That was when Ollie popped into my thoughts.
I envisioned the time when I ran my hands down his face, feeling his expression, his features, everything that made him real to me. In that moment, everything I felt, the guilt, the grief, the loneliness, it all dissipated as though it never existed.
I stood up and started walking over to the table when Ollie started speaking, "I need you to tell me how you are because we have one more exercise for the day."
I didn't say a word which got Ollie to move closer to me. I realized how close when he put both hands on either side of my face. I pulled my hands up and wrapped them around his lower arms, feeling the contact for myself.
"Talk to me, Hope," Ollie whispered.
I didn't know how to tell him or where to even start, so I just answered his question. "I'm fine," I breathed.
We just stood there for a moment in silence. I didn't need to see Ollie's expression to know that his thoughts were heavy. With what, I had no idea. I just continued to tell myself that this inner peace was good…it was right.
"It's time, Hope," he said, breaking me from reveling in the calmness of the moment. I wasn't quite sure what he was talking about and I found myself backing away as fear and panic started to fill my head.
"Don't do this, Hope. Don't pull away from me," Ollie swiftly pleaded with me. He came toward me as I backed away and quickly grabbed my arm. I was about to yell when his voice soothed me. "Trust me, Hope." His voice was pleading for me to give this to him, so I took a breath and nodded once more.
I went to walk away when I heard a voice that froze every thought in my head.
"Hope?"
I couldn't help but allow the tears to burst forth when I realized it was my dad's voice.
* * *
"Why?" I mouthed to Ollie. I knew he could see my mouth.
"It's time to start healing, honey," Ollie whispered in my ear as he grabbed my hand. He pulled back but didn't let go as we turned and walked toward the door. "How about we take this out to the garden? It's a beautiful day out. What do you think, Hope?" Still tender from the morning's involvement with Glenn, I didn't know what to say, so I just nodded my okay. We walked in silence through the building and out to where Ollie and I had had our argument. I sat down on the grass, feeling the texture in my hands as I waited for someone to start speaking.
"You look so good, honey," my mom said in a shaky tone after several minutes. I felt the chill run over my arms as her voice pierced my ears. I pushed back the thoughts of Charlie and Sawyer and remained silent. I couldn't answer her…it was too hard. I felt Ollie take my hand and, once again, that comforting feeling took over and I soaked it up.
I heard my dad clear his throat. "We've missed you so much."
I swallowed back my tears as I pushed down memories of my son in my father's arms that night of the anniversary party. I was barely hanging on to any type of composure. I heard the small voice of my sister, Faith, say my name and I lost it.
"When will I be able to hear your voices and not think of them!" I screamed and heard my mother immediately break down. "Why can't I just see you?!" Ollie squeezed my hand as I tried to pull away. "Why can't I find good again? I am so sick of seeing misery!" I said through my sobs. I quickly reached over, threw my arms around Ollie's neck, and laid my head on his shoulder. The space between all of us became thick with silence as I felt Ollie rubbing his hand up and down my back.
"I can't do it, Ollie. I want good again, this just brings everything back," I said trying to zone them out as though they didn't exist. "Shh, Hope. This is how you get to the good. They love you. Never in their minds would they want to hurt you. It's not fair that you are associating them with that pain. You need to separate it. Let them give you good."
I felt another hand on my back, then another, then another. My family was all around me, this whole time they were all around me, wanting to help me, support me, and I pushed them all away. "Hope, mom and dad…and me…" My sister was trying to talk through her tears and I hated that I brought this to her, to them. All of it was on me. "We love you so much, let us help you give you back your life. We always just wanted to help you, sweetie." I continued to give everything to Ollie as he took all of me. I was nothing but weighted down brokenness and he gave me back everything I needed from strength to solace in return.
Everything that Charlie gave me and more.
I couldn't believe that this man was willing to give this to me, a blind woman who had nothing but a broken heart to offer. How would I ever give back to make up for what I've taken? I wrapped my arms tighter around him as his warmth enveloped me. I wanted to stay here but I knew I couldn't.
It was time.
I knew it. I needed it to be. I wanted my family and I needed good again.
"I miss you all so much. I'm…s…so sorry…I pu…put you through all of this." I could barely get the words out but I couldn't stop now. I needed to take that first step. "Dad?"
I felt Ollie pull away from me and I hated losing his warmth. My other hand was taken and I ran the tips of my fingers over the worn, dry skin and knew it was my daddy.
"Hey, baby." I heard his throaty voice and it almost brought me to my knees. I caused him so much pain. It was unbearable, I could hear it in his tone. I couldn't say anything, I just wrapped my arms around his neck as I felt my mom's petite arms encircle me as well as Faith's.
We began to be a family again.
Today was the day. It was the day to heal.
Ollie walked off, allowing us our time to heal together.
Chapter 18
Two Weeks Later
I needed to sleep.
I was totally exhausted, mentally and physically, from the day's activities. My mom and dad came again today and we met with the therapist that was helping me deal with this mourning process I had come to find out I never had a chance to go through. Things were good. We were taking it slow, but it still hurt.
And it hurt deep.
Which, in turn, led to healing.
I took my shower and got dressed for bed, I didn't even remember my head hitting the pillow before I was out.
The room looked amazing. It was my home. Everywhere I looked was the house that I decorated for Charlie and I to begin our life. Walking over to one of my favorite pictures hanging on th
e wall, I placed my hand up to feel the textured paint under my fingers and it rippled as if it were water. I fell into a continuous spin as panic filled me.
I could see everything but Charlie and Sawyer weren't around. I began to question myself. Was I dead?
Walking into the kitchen, I kept an eye out for one or both of my boys and saw that there was no one around. I hurried my walk into the other room and stopped at the sight that I saw.
There sat Charlie in his favorite chair, dressed in a suit that made him look so handsome, a suit I bought him one year for a dinner party I threw celebrating his big promotion. He sat facing me with a smile as though he was expecting me. I looked around to see if I could see Sawyer when I heard Charlie's voice.
"He's not here," Charlie said through his beautiful smile that I had missed terribly. I guess my face asked him to elaborate because he answered the question that was on my mind. "Sawyer's off with some friends. Mind if we have a chat?" Charlie asked as he stood and started walking toward me. I smiled and started to move forward quickly, spreading my arms out to wrap around him when he suddenly stopped. "Hope, we need to talk."
The smile left his face and I stopped in my tracks. He didn't want me touching him, this wasn't my Charlie. It had been awhile since I had spent time with both him and Sawyer in my dreams. Every time they'd show up their images became dimmer and dimmer. It was like they were there but not.
I could tell he had changed. This Charlie was serious, he was never serious here. This was where we were us again, our loving, happy family. I nodded and waited for him to pass by me so I could follow him to where he wanted us to speak.
He walked up the stairs and into Sawyer's room. The colors of the paint mixed with the décor was spot on to what I had decorated when I found out I was pregnant. I always had mixed emotions when I came into this room. I felt happy and joyful because this was my son's room, but it also took everything within me to even make it through the door because…well, this was my son's room.