by Tracy Lee
Looking over the white washed crib to the lime green and blue alligator bedding I had chosen, I remembered the times I laid my son down right there in front of me. I took in the pictures that hung around the room, my eyes stopping on one in particular. It was a black and white of me and Charlie. We were laying on a blanket out in the yard, Charlie was on his stomach with his arm around me, pulling me close to him as he laid a kiss on my forehead. My eyes were closed and a perfectly happy smile danced across my lips.
I remembered that day like it was yesterday. It was burned into my memory; the emotions I felt, the way Charlie told me that he couldn't have taken a better picture, the way his eyes gleamed from being utterly content in that very moment.
"I was, you know," Charlie said as I turned my head to look at him, admiring the same picture. "I never knew more joy than I did when I was with you," he finished. I closed my eyes knowing that I felt the same exact way he did.
"I don't know how to do this, Charlie."
"You are absolutely right, Hope. Something has to change," he said after I thought that very thought. Charlie was reading my mind, answering the questions that I had instead of telling me what he needed to tell me.
However, he didn't have to tell me, I knew exactly what he was going to say.
I beamed a smile from ear to ear as tears welled up inside of me, I knew deep down what was coming next.
"I'm not coming anymore, Hope."
The smile left my face immediately. My body tensed and I felt panic wash over me. This was really it. I started to doubt that I could do this without the two of them.
"You have a new life to begin. You can do it. I've watched you do it so far and you're a survivor, Hope…then and now.
I took a step closer to him as he took one back.
"I'm scared, Charlie. I'm so scared."
I was hoping he would change his mind, but in my heart, I knew that wasn't an option.
"Why do you think I sent him to you?"
Him…what was he talking about? I'm sure my face revealed my confusion.
"What are you saying, Charlie?"
I felt the tears as they rolled down my cheeks. I wasn't ready to say goodbye to him or Sawyer, I wanted more time.
"More time just means more hardship, babe. Sawyers moved on, he's happy where he is and he's with me. That man is good for you, Hope. I handpicked him myself."
That's when it hit me, he was talking about Ollie. He picked him out for me? I couldn't deal with this, it was all so strange. At this moment, I didn't want to let Charlie go.
"No! You're good for me!" I pleaded through my tears.
Was this what he wanted, me down on my knees begging for him not to leave me? Because if it was, I'd do it in a heartbeat. I didn't care what it cost me, I wanted him with me... I needed him. This couldn't be it.
"Babe, look at us. I see you in your dreams, you're in a hospital. None of this is good for you. I want you to be happy, honey, and when you're with him…I haven't seen you that happy since before the accident. You deserve to feel that feeling. We love you and nothing will ever change that. We will always be with you, Hope, but it's time for you to let us go. Oliver is there to take my place. Trust me, it took me some time to make sure, but he's everything that you need. Go, babe. Live."
The tears were streaming down my face and they couldn't be stopped. I couldn't survive without the two of them, but, deep down, I knew that they needed to go where they were happy and together. I was the selfish one keeping them here. I couldn't talk, all I could do was nod my head. Slowly, Charlie walked over to me and pulled my face up so he could look into my eyes. I was a blubbering mess, but he smiled and wiped away the tears that covered my cheeks.
"Thank you for all that you gave me, wife."
I couldn't stop the tears from coming as I ran my hand over his jaw. His skin was cool to the touch but his eyes still burned directly into my soul as I said my final goodbye.
"Thank you for all that you gave me, husband."
And, with that said, Charlie lowered his head down to lay a kiss against my lips. I closed my eyes…
And woke up to nothing.
Chapter 19
One Month Later
I hadn't heard from Ollie…
A month had passed and still no word from him. It was killing me. Every day I would get up and get dressed, anticipating an arrival that never came. And, each day it hurt a little more as the thought that I would never hear from him again echoed through my mind.
Questions on what happened, what I may have done, bombarded my mind and I couldn't come up with an answer that would make this hurt leave.
I stood in front of the sink as I ran the toothbrush through my mouth just as I did every morning in the monotonous routine called somewhat of a life. I was doing well with my counseling and ready to transfer to the outpatient program where I would attempt to live at home with my parents. I planned on finishing out the week here and then I would be gone.
Gone to start life over again… by myself.
I rinsed my toothbrush off, stuck it back in its container like I always did, and counted my steps to the door. Pushing it open, I felt for the railing on the wall that led down the hallway I had become accustomed to walking down daily. My counting took my mind off of the one man that seemed to overwhelm my thoughts. I made it to the nurses station and smiled as I heard the nurses say hello and good morning. They talked to me now that I was coming out of my shell and wasn't so violent. I could see their way of thinking, I even came down here and apologized for my behavior. They all hugged me and we cried together. I felt that I owed them some happiness for all the hell I gave them.
I continued to walk, counting down the hallway steps and running my hand down the wall. A familiar scent overwhelmed my senses and I stopped where I was.
It was cologne.
I knew that cologne. I snuggled close against a neck that was bathed in that cologne.
It was Ollie.
I didn't know whether to stay where I was or run as quickly as I could to my room to make sure he was really here. I decided on neither. I finished my walk, but at a brisker pace. As I approached my door, the scent became heavier. He was in my room. I took a breath as I came to the door and said a quick "I got this" as I opened it up.
I walked in and stopped. I didn't know where he was or what he was doing here. Truthfully, I was kind of scared to find out. I took it upon myself to let him know I knew he was here.
"Hi," I said in a soft tone. I held my breath until I could hear his voice. I didn't have to wait too long.
"Hey," Ollie replied.
Tension seemed to grow around us and for the life of me, I didn't know why. I had spent over a year with this man, why would I be nervous around him?
"I didn't think you wouldn't come back," I confessed.
"Figured you needed some time with your family," Ollie immediately replied. I nodded as anger built up inside of me. Why anger, I had no idea.
Questions came to my mind and I didn't want to fight with him for fear he would leave, but I had come to grips with being left behind by one man, if this one was going to walk out, I may as well find out why.
"You spent a year with me every day, rain or shine, ass kicking or no ass kicking, and yet, you didn't think to at least come say goodbye to me?"
Ollie was standing in front of me. I could feel his eyes staring at me and I found myself grabbing his hand in mine. Rubbing the soft skin on the back of his hand, I said, "Tell me what you see, Ollie."
It wasn't a question. I needed to hear what he saw when he looked at me. He didn't even have to think about his answer.
"I see the most beautiful woman I have ever laid eyes on. A woman who is filled with so much love it's seeping out of her but is scared to give one ounce of it away. A love that is as enticing as it is addictive. Your strength can't even been contained within your tiny body so you keep it up like a shield, guarding you from all the things that you feel might harm you. I know that you pla
yed the noise loud enough to drown out the silence because there's nothing more terrifying than being alone, left in the dark, not knowing if anyone would even care enough to give you a second thought. I know because I deal with it every time I walk out of this room. Your intelligence amazes me. The face you would make when you realized you can conquer a difficult situation plays over and over again in my head. The cute expression that you'd get when you solved a problem and overcome a challenge is indescribable, Hope."
Ollie stopped talking for a moment as he lifted my hands and placed them on my cheeks, covering them with his own. "See this face? There's nothing in this world that makes me want to live more than looking at this face. I didn't mean to, but at some point during all of this I fell in love with you and I can't picture myself being without you."
I couldn't feel my body. My head was trying to wrap itself around what Oliver had just said and, still, I couldn't take it all in. I stayed where I was, my face in our hands, and thought back to the time where I had felt him in the same position we were in at this very moment. I thought back to just this morning and the feeling of being lost again because I hadn't seen him.
I removed my hands from under his and placed them up around his neck, bringing him down as I pressed my lips gently against his. His lips were soft as they wrapped around my lower lip. I pulled him in closer, allowing his body heat to penetrate the coldness of my once hollow shell.
Oliver's hands wrapped around the side of my head as he deepened the kiss. I grabbed his top lip between mine and my body became heated. I felt him open just slightly as his tongue gently swiped against my lower lip, tasting me. I followed the same action nervously, but also excitedly.
Oliver pulled back suddenly. His breathing was rapid, as was mine. I took a step closer to him to show him that I was fine with what we were doing when he stopped me. "I didn't want this to happen now. You're mourning and I'm an idiot for saying what I said to you. I'm so sorry." His tone was nervous and he spoke as though he was having trouble finding his words. I pushed forward again as I reached for his hand.
"For weeks you haven't come and I felt like I was lost in the dark again. Then, you came back. You came back, Ollie."
I ran my hand through the back of his long hair, feeling the strands brush against the back of my fingers. I remembered how calming that felt and bit back the fear of where this was leading, allowing my senses to take over.
"Don't ever be sorry for saying what you feel."
I heard him chuckle as he walked away from me. I could tell he was hesitant, he was worried I was still not in my right frame of mind. But, I wanted nothing more at this very moment than to be here with him.
"Line of encouragement?" Ollie said, attempting to break the tension in the room. I smiled a small smile. "I had a great teacher," I responded as I walked in the direction of his voice. I didn't have to walk far since he met me halfway. I put my hands on his face, taking in his expression, trying to get a read on how he was feeling. I ran the tips of my fingers over his lips and felt them pull up into a smile. "It's the student who makes the teacher," he said quickly as he lowered his face down to kiss me again.
As our lips connected, I pulled him closer. I lowered my hands to his arms so I could run my hands over his skin. His warmth was pulling me to him, but I was afraid it wasn't going to be enough. Ollie's mouth covered mine as he kissed me tenderly. Our hands roamed over each other's bodies, experimenting with each other's boundaries and enjoying every minute of it. I could feel his hand tugging at the bottom of my blouse and I followed suit as I tugged his shirt out of the top of his jeans.
I placed my cool hands against the skin of his bare back and heard him let out a small moan. I didn't know if it was a good moan or a bad one, but he didn't pull away so I continued on. I brought my hands around to the front. Feeling for his shirt's buttons, I started at the top. It didn't take him long to become impatient and pull the shirt off himself. We broke the kiss just long enough for him to remove my shirt up over my head.
I ran my fingers over him quickly, just long enough to feel a true and healthy male body. Coming back around front, I found the top button of his jeans. Suddenly, he stopped.
"Wait, wait, wait…"
"No…I'm fine," I replied. Oliver ran his hand over the top of my head, pushing my hair away from my face as he spoke.
"If we're going to do this, I want to do this right," he whispered against my lips. His scent infiltrated my senses and a feeling of stillness passed over me. I nodded nervously, not knowing what to expect. I had to put my trust in him and I hadn't had trust in someone since…
I cleared my mind at the thought.
I heard the sound of a zipper and the whoosh of jeans being pulled off. My imagination was whirling with images. I had learned over the months that my thoughts were now going to be my best friend and I was fully depending on them now.
Oliver grabbed my hand and started walking. "I'm just leading you to the bed," he revealed as we passed the small table. Finally, we stopped and I pictured us standing right in front of the bed. "I'm going to take your jeans off." He was narrating our first time. I didn't want this to be a lesson. I trusted that he wasn't going to hurt me and I wanted him to do what came natural.
"Ollie…"
"Yes?" he responded almost immediately.
"I trust you," I whispered. He brought his face down and pressed a gentle kiss against my lips before he stood back up.
His hands moved against the skin of my stomach and I reveled in the feeling. Everything he was doing, every touch, felt right and I wasn't about to turn that away. I wanted it just as much as he did.
Suddenly, I realized I was standing there in nothing but my panties for him to view and, yet, I couldn't see anything. I quickly became apprehensive. He must've noticed because I felt him grab my hand, I gently pulled back a bit. "No, please don't do that," Oliver said as he put my hand up against his stomach. His muscles tensed under my touch and I ran my hand down, feeling each bump that was indented. "I see you with my eyes, you see me with your hands. Touch me, Hope." I could feel the heat in my cheeks at his words. I felt like a school girl again when it came to her first time. I was a cluster of emotions.
"God, you're breathtaking," Oliver said as he ran one single finger down the middle of my chest.
I raised my other hand up and put both on his shoulders, digging my fingers in nervously. I raised my head and offered him a silent apology as I started my way down. My hands hit his chest and his pectoral muscles tensed as I slowly passed over them.
"You are so beautiful," I whispered as I continued feeling every inch of him. There were places I wanted to stop at and just stay but my mind kept pleading with me to continue. "Everything I am belongs to you," he breathed against the skin of my neck as he placed his lips against my ear. Oliver began to slowly lean me back. I felt the bed hit the middle of my knees and knew I wasn't going to fall. I followed his lead.
It didn't matter that I couldn't see him, I sensed everything he felt for me in his touch and that's all I needed. Yet, he made sure I was alright with what was happening. As we landed on the bed, Oliver immediately flipped over so as not to crush me. I dropped my head to his forehead and felt his warm breath on my face for a moment.
"You sure about this?" Ollie asked and it hit me that there was nothing more that I wanted than to be right here in this moment, with him doing exactly what we were doing. "Never been more sure," I said as I placed a kiss against his lips. I grabbed his hands and raised them above us, interlocking our fingers as our kiss deepened. I never wanted this moment to end. Ollie was showing me what I needed to see that made this life worth living. My heart was beating, my blood was flowing, and my body was on fire. All that meant that I was alive and I was able to continue on with not only the love that I felt for Charlie but the love I felt for Oliver.
And, it was okay. It was good to love again.
My thoughts cleared and it was then I felt Ollie inside of me, slowly moving, tighteni
ng under me as he moved tenderly. I clenched my eyes shut harder and dug my nails in his shoulders as he continued deeper.
"Ollie…" I breathed.
I missed feeling this feeling. His tender touches showed me how much he wanted to be here with me as well.
"I love the way you feel against me," Oliver declared as he pushed my hair away from my face. I ran my lips down the side of his face, allowing my senses to explore. His taste sat on my lips as I ran them down the side of his neck, laying kisses against his skin, showing him that my emotions ran deep for him as well. I felt his low moan vibrate in his throat which made me smile. His movements suddenly became quicker as he pushed against me a bit rougher.
My breathing became faster as I began to move with him. I couldn't stand the thought of him pulling away. "Ollie…" I yelled as he rocked against me one last time "Oh God… Hope," he moaned and pushed his head into my neck. After a moment, Oliver turned his head and placed his lips to my neck.
"Tell me this won't be the only time we do this," Ollie said. I let out a little giggle as he laid his head back against the pillow.
"You have ten minutes…"
Chapter 20
One Year Later
"Honey, hurry up, they're going to be here any minute."
I heard Ollie's voice yell up at me from the bottom of the stairs so I felt around for the tube of shiny lip gloss I had him lay out for me. I hurried to drench my lips in it before heading downstairs.
"Almost done," I yelled back, letting him know that I was fine and didn't need his help. I could do this on my own.
I heard the car pull up in the drive and several doors slam shut. I knew they were here. I scooted the makeup table's chair back and stood up, sliding my heels on before counting the steps to the stair rail.
"Hurry, they're just coming up to the door," Ollie said excitingly as I heard the Christmas music playing in the living room that was off of the entryway.