Follow You Down

by Lazeema Haq

  “If you won’t call her, then you’re stuck with me. Those are your options.” Arthur stood up to approach him. “Frankly, I don’t trust your friends. They’re probably the ones who left you on the side of the road to begin with.”

  “Whatever. Just get me the hell out of here.”

  There was a glint in Arthur’s eyes, as if he wasn’t prepared for Tristan to accept his words with such ease.

  “I’ll go find your doctor.”

  Tristan nodded before closing his eyes again.

  *****

  After being discharged from the hospital, Tristan found himself alone in the company of his father as Arthur drove home. He couldn’t remember the last time he had been in such close proximity to Arthur. Uncomfortable with the idea of engaging in a conversation with his father, Tristan closed his eyes. When the car came to a stop, he woke up to discover they were at Arthur’s place, not his. “Why did you bring me here?”

  “You’re going to stay with me.”

  “I don’t think so.”

  Tristan had no choice but to acquiesce to his father’s request, but considering it had been almost two decades since they’d shared accommodations, he knew it was going to be hell.

  An hour after settling into the guest room, there was a knock on his door. “Yeah?”

  Arthur opened the door halfway. “What would you like for dinner?”

  “Some privacy would be great.”

  “I’m saving that for dessert,” Arthur retorted without skipping a beat. “How do you feel about steak?”

  “I don’t really care.”

  “Steak it is then.”

  “Why are you doing this?” Tristan asked, levelling his father with a hostile stare.

  “Making dinner? It’s what I do when I’m hungry.”

  “You know what I mean.”

  “Well, Tristan, it’s really not that complicated. You’re my son, and you’re hurt.”

  “And what, you think you can fix me?” Tristan sniggered.“You never gave a shit before.”

  “No, I always cared, but you’d rather not believe that.”

  “Yeah, you cared so much you hooked up with my ex. Real father of the year material right there.”

  Regret washed over Arthur’s face, and his gaze dropped to the floor before glancing up to meet Tristan’s scornful stare again. “I made mistakes, many of them. I know that.”

  “And what, now you’re sorry?”

  “Of course I am. If I’d known how much you’d hate me for it, how hurt you’d be, I would have fought against my feelings for Lily. I loved her, I still do, she made me feel more alive than anyone ever had before, but it’s not worth it if it costs me my son.”

  Arthur’s words gave him pause. Tristan wanted to believe him, but years of hate and distrust made that impossible. It was second nature for him to be suspicious of Arthur.

  “If it makes you feel any better, she broke up with me. I took her to London for our anniversary and that’s where she sprung it on me. Apparently she didn’t love me at all.”

  Heat rose in his cheeks, knowing full well Lily had done that because he’d blackmailed her into it.

  “Can we put the Lily saga behind us?” Arthur asked.

  “I know Vesper’s been here.”

  Arthur hesitated. “I’m surprised she told you about that.”

  Tristan didn’t bother to correct his father’s assumption. “You’re having secret meetings with another girlfriend of mine and you expect me to believe there’s nothing going on? I’m not an idiot.”

  “She was here because she was worried about you.”

  Once again guilt rippled through Tristan, reminding him of what a bastard he’d been.

  “How can we get past this?” Arthur asked.

  “I asked you to stay away from Vesper but you refused to do that.”

  “Is that why you won’t call her? Why you broke up?”

  “That’s none of you business.”

  “It is when I’m about to see you make a stupid mistake. She’s good for you and she makes you happy. Don’t let her go just because you think there’s something going on between Vesper and me. There isn’t.”

  “You say you love me? That you don’t want to hurt me? Then tell me what you and Vesper spoke about.”

  Arthur remained silent, watching him closely. “Your mother used to do that. She would constantly make me prove my love for her.”

  “You were a horrible husband.”

  “I know.”

  “You never loved her.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong, son. I did love her, but it was exhausting to convince her of it day in and day out.”

  His heart raced, remembering Vesper had said the same thing to him when they broke up. His head started throbbing again. “I want to be alone.”

  Arthur turned around. “Dinner will be ready in an hour.” He shut the door behind him.

  Feeling overwhelmed, Tristan lay back in bed. As a child he’d been on the other side of the equation, constantly doing everything within his power to assure his mom how much he loved her, how he’d never leave her like Arthur had. So why had he demanded the same thing of Vesper? In his mind he’d never even made that connection even though it was so fucking obvious right now. She’d twisted herself up inside just to make him happy, but it had never been enough for him just like it hadn’t been for his mother.

  Fuck.

  With hesitant steps he headed out of the room and to the kitchen downstairs where he found Arthur preparing dinner.

  “Lily didn’t break up with you because she wanted to. I made her dump you. Actually, I blackmailed her into it.”

  There was a short pause. “With what?”

  “I had stuff of hers on my phone, videos she wouldn’t want anyone to see. I threatened to leak them if she didn’t break it off with you.”

  Anger swept over Arthur’s face. “Why would you do that to someone you loved?”

  “I never loved Lily. At least not the way I love Vesper.”

  “And you think that excuses what you did?”

  “No, not at all. What I did was… fucked up and horrible.”

  “Then why do it?”

  “I wanted to hurt you.”

  “Well, you did. And you hurt Lily.”

  Tristan swallowed an audible breath, tearing his gaze away from his father.

  “Why did you tell me?”

  Tristan shrugged his shoulders. “Maybe because my head is messed up from the concussion.”

  “Or maybe you regret what you did and want to make things right.”

  Tristan ran his fingers through his hair, feeling uncomfortable with how vulnerable his father appeared at the moment. “This doesn’t mean you and I are buddies now.”

  Arthur offered him an affectionate smile. “Got it. You hungry?”

  It was a bizarre sensation to not be openly contemptuous of his father. “Starving, actually.”

  “Good. Have a seat.”

  Tristan walked to the table and sat down, still very hesitant about sharing an actual meal with his father.

  Chapter Thirty-Two

  If someone had told Tristan he’d be holed up in his father’s place for a single day, let alone two weeks, he would have laughed them off – but that’s exactly what he’d been doing ever since he was released from the hospital. Much to Tristan’s surprise, his father hadn’t smothered him either. In fact, Arthur left him alone most of the time except during dinner when he insisted they eat together and even then the old man didn’t push him to talk. However, the calmness of his current surroundings was just an illusion. Tristan was troubled, unsettled. He was filled with guilt over his actions, his behaviour, how he’d treated Vesper. Vesper. The thought of her un
leashed tremendous pain and he clung to it, desperately so, reminding himself that he needed to pay, suffer, for everything he’d done.

  He glanced at the clock. It was a little after midnight. The nightmare he awoke from was still fresh in his mind and it would be a while before he could go back to sleep. Feeling parched, he stood up and headed to the kitchen. Shortly after Tristan was sitting out on the backyard with a bottle of whiskey in his hands when he heard footsteps behind him.

  “I hope you’re not planning on finishing the whole thing by yourself,” Arthur remarked dryly.

  “Not planning on it but if it happens, it happens.”

  “Are you sure a hangover is a good idea on your first day back to work?” Arthur asked, pulling up a lounge chair next to him.

  Tristan offered the bottle to his father but his father waved it away. “Not going back. I emailed the firm my resignation letter.”

  “I didn’t realise you were unhappy there.”

  Tristan shrugged his shoulders. “It’s not them, it’s the job. I guess I’m bored.”

  “What are you planning to do with all your free time?”

  “Bum off of you, obviously.”

  Arthur chuckled. “And how does Vesper play into this?”

  Tristan stared out into the darkness. He was careful to keep his composure in check in front of Arthur, even though his stomach clenched at the sound of her name. “She doesn’t.” Fuck. It didn’t matter how many times he forced himself to face the truth, it still hurt like hell. Would it ever stop being painful? He didn’t think so.

  “She loves you, son.”

  “She doesn’t. And she shouldn’t.”

  “You’re wrong.”

  “What the fuck do you even know about it?” Tristan snapped, turning to look at Arthur. “You don’t know her.”

  “I know she cares about you, a lot.” After a short bout of silence Arthur spoke again, his tone wary. “Do you want to know what she and I talked about when she was here?”

  Tristan shook his head. “It doesn’t matter now. It’s over between us.”

  “Don’t be angry with her. The only reason she didn’t tell you was because she was afraid you would blow up at her.”

  Tristan’s gaze dropped to the ground. He’d reacted exactly the way she had feared and it made him sick to his stomach. She’d obviously been scared of him for a long time now – even Arthur recognized that – but it was something he’d been blind to completely. How? Why did it take him so long to see the truth?

  “She just needed to talk to someone.”

  Tristan remained still.

  “You’ve always been very angry at me, and maybe you don’t think that matters but she felt it was affecting your relationship with her. She hoped some time apart would give you the push you needed to work out your issues with me.”

  Tristan’s calm facade dissolved, exposing all of the ugliness he’d buried deep inside his soul. Shame and despair ripped through him, intensifying the realization of how badly he fucked up. How many times had she tried to reach out to tell him he was hurting her only to have him disregard her feelings and belittle her for them? Her passivity in the last few months of their relationship, her sudden agreeable attitude about everything – it all made sense now. Vesper had stopped fighting, arguing, subsequently withdrawing more and more into herself all in an attempt to pacify him, appease him, because that’s what he told her he wanted. He’d refused to bend or compromise, he’d had no interest in meeting her halfway, ultimately abandoning her when he was the one who had made her swear never to leave him. It was he who had checked out, leaving her all alone. And what was probably her last desperate attempt to make him face the truth had ended with him kicking her out of his apartment. Yet that wasn’t the worst of it. If Vesper hadn’t stopped him that night, if she hadn’t hit him, he really would have forced himself on her.

  “Tristan, are you alright?”

  He couldn’t breathe, couldn’t think, his hands were clammy and covered in sweat while his heart was pounding erratically. The bottle in his hand dropped while he stood up in a swift rush, ready to escape this dreaded hell he was in, but his knees buckled and he collapsed on the ground, still heaving. Suddenly Arthur’s hand was on his shoulders, and then holding him in a tight embrace.

  “It’s alright, son. It’s okay. Everything will be okay.”

  Tristan shook his head. “No, it won’t. It’ll never be okay. I fucked up, Dad. I fucked up so badly.” A desperate sob rushed out of him. “I don’t know what to do, what do I do? How do I fix this? How do I… I don’t want to hurt her, not anymore. She said I was a monster, and I am, I am… but I don’t want to be like that anymore. I don’t. I don’t.”

  Arthur held him for a long time, hugging and reassuring him that it wasn’t too late, he could fix things with Vesper, he could be the kind of man who would never hurt her again – but Tristan knew those were just empty words. The truth was he didn’t deserve to be with her or to be forgiven by her, and definitely not to be loved by her.

  Because of his own behaviour, he lost the woman he loved.

  *****

  The next day Tristan reached for his cell phone. Although hesitant to make the call, he told himself to buck up and just do it. The phone rang for several minutes before Akil finally answered.

  “What do you want? Why you callin’ me?”

  Akil sounded rightfully pissed. “Hey.”

  “Don’t be heyin’ me. You ain’t got no right to call here after the shit you pulled.”

  Tristan swallowed an audible breath. “I know. I’m sorry.”

  “Fuck you!”

  “I know you don’t want to talk to me. I just wanted to make sure Vesper was okay.”

  “How the fuck should I know? I keep asking her what happened with the two of you and she just shuts me down, tells me it’s over and that’s it. But I know something ain’t right. I can hear it in her voice.”

  “Maybe you should come down to visit.”

  “Did you fuck around on her?”

  “She’ll tell you what happened when she’s ready.”

  “You takin’ the easy way out. Why am I not surprised?”

  “No. It’s not my place to tell you. She needs to be the one,” Tristan explained. “And when she does, I’ll let you kick the shit out of me.”

  “I’m gonna do that anyways.”

  A sad smile crossed Tristan’s lips, realising how much he was going to miss Akil. He used to think he had a lot of friends but in the past few weeks he’d come to recognize all of his friendships were superficial, probably because he wasn’t capable of giving himself to others and sought out relationships with those who didn’t expect much. “Like I was saying, I think you should come down.”

  “The rest of us ain’t rich like you, pretty boy. I need a few days to get the money together for the flight.”

  “I’ll pay for it.”

  “So you can look like a good guy in her eyes? Fuck off!”

  “Don’t tell her I called you. Don’t tell her about the ticket.” Tristan took a few deep breaths, telling himself not to get upset. “Look, I know I’m a selfish asshole. I do want you with her for my own peace of mind, but I also know she needs you.”

  There was a brief bout of silence before Akil spoke again. “What do you want from her?”

  “Nothing. I just want to make sure she’s okay.”

  “Even if it means staying the fuck away from you?”

  Tristan exhaled a troubled breath. “Yeah.”

  “Fine. I’ll see if I can get a ticket out tonight.”

  “Okay. Email me the details.”

  “Listen, asswipe. I ain’t your spy. Just ’cause I’m taking the ticket doesn’t mean I’m going to be tellin’ you what’s going on with her.”

&nbs
p; “I know.”

  “Why the fuck did you have to mess up a good thing? I liked you. I thought you guys – “

  “I wish I hadn’t fucked up, but I did. And I lost the best thing that ever happened to me.”

  “Wish you’d been that smart before you blew it all to hell for fresh pussy. Hope the bitch was worth it.”

  Tristan didn’t bother to correct him. Sooner or later Vesper would tell Akil the truth and that was a lot worse than the misconception he harboured now. After ending the call, he put his head down on the table. His head was killing him thanks to a massive hangover.

  “Have you thought more about what we discussed earlier?”

  Tristan groaned, hearing Arthur’s voice behind him. “I’m really not in the mood right now.”

  “I really think you should see a professional.”

  “A shrink isn’t going to do anything for me.”

  “You said you want to change, you don’t want to make the same mistakes again, but those are simply words. Actions are what matter, son. I’m not saying talking to a shrink is going to magically solve your problems, but at least it’s something.”

  “Fine. I’ll go see Dr. Phil or whatever if you just shut up for a few minutes.”

  “And I suggest you lay off the liquor for the time being. Seems to me all of your bad decisions are made when you’re under its influence.”

  “Fine. I’ll stick to meth then,” Tristan muttered.

  “That’s not funny.”

  Alone again, Tristan closed his eyes. His father’s words echoed in his brain. Would he have gone over to Vesper’s if he hadn’t gotten so fucked on E? Would he have acted in the same violent way? While a part of him would have loved to believe it was only the drugs and the alcohol that was responsible for his vile attack, deep down he knew that wasn’t entirely true. After all, she’d been rightfully afraid of him a long time which meant he always had the potential for violence in him.

  Fuck. Maybe his dad was right. Obviously he was a mess and maybe he did need some help to sort himself out.