My Life with the Liars

by Caela Carter

  “I want to go to my ceremony,” I say, louder.

  He stands, his eyes still scratching. “No.”

  I’m shouting now. “I want to go home. I want to go to the Chapel. I want to have my ceremony.”

  “There will be no ceremony.” His voice is loud and heavy, weighing on my heart.

  Red rage comes over my face, bathing the room in a delicious scarlet light. I’m so angry. I’m so relieved to finally be so angry. Water echoes in my ears. Liars. They are Liars.

  Everything I’ve known to be true is true.

  “You don’t understand anything,” I hear myself say but the voice is not mine. It’s Elsie’s or Jakey’s when they don’t get dessert. “You haven’t been there in so long. You’re a Liar now. You can’t keep me from my ceremony!”

  Red Louis and Red Charita go wavy in front of me. I’m seeing them through a flame. Father is painting them in truth, finally.

  “You said I could do whatever I want! You just said that!”

  “I know what we said, sweetie, but—” Charita’s voice is so quiet.

  Louis booms over her. “There. Will. Be. No. Ceremony.”

  The rage feels like it’s all mine. Even though nothing can be.

  You shouldn’t be this angry, Father is saying. You should have known this about them all along. You knew they were Liars.

  Louis is still talking—fast bullets of words I don’t hear.

  “I want to go home,” my mouth cries.

  Louis lunges at me, and this time when I flinch, he keeps moving forward. He stands above me with both of my wrists squeezed between his palms and his eyes lighting my hair on fire. “Listen to me, Zylynn. Really listen, OK? The ceremony is a lie. Inside, the whole thing is nothing but lies. Dangerous lies. They kept you hungry. They treated you badly. Think about how much healthier you are now. How much we will do for you. That’s how a kid should be treated, OK? They were hurting you.”

  “No,” I say. “No. I want to go back.”

  “Zylynn,” Louis says. “No. You are never going back there again.”

  He drops my wrists and falls back into his chair. Charita is staring at me.

  “Sorry,” he says. “I shouldn’t have scared you like that. But it’s important for you to know. And it’s true.”

  Relief rushes through me, whipping all remains of Curiosity out and far away. I know. I finally see. It doesn’t matter that the sun is pouring through the open windows: I’m in Darkness.

  “Zylynn.” Charita moves toward me with her arms out like she’s going to hug me and rock me and twist me again, but she can’t. I’m finally cured.

  I jump to my feet. “You are the Liars,” I yell. “You are the ones who took me away from the Light. You kidnapped me! And if you don’t take me back, I’ll never ever please God. You are the evil ones. You are the Liars.”

  Then I pound up the stairs to wait between the pink stripes for morning.

  Except I think and I think when I am in the room and come up with a plan. I can’t just follow my map and run away tomorrow. Louis and Charita would find me right away. They have a car so they can go so much faster. They’re bigger than me so they can pick me up or tie me down or lock me away until after sunset, until it’s too late. Until I’m doomed.

  I have to do something to trick them.

  I sneak out one last time once everyone is asleep and I am craving pomegranate tea.

  I take my flashlight from under my bed where I stored it next to the leftover food from the dinner that they left outside my door. I tiptoe down the stairs.

  I sit in the kitchen and pull the folded-up piece of paper out of my pocket.

  I pick the phone up from the wall and punch in the numbers.

  It rings twice before the familiar bubbly voice answers. “Hello?”

  “Jaycia?” I whisper.

  “Oh my God,” she says. “Zylynn?”

  I nod, which is dumb. I’ve never spoken to a phone before but I know how they work. I know she can’t see me.

  “Are you OK?” She asks, talking so quickly like she does now. “It’s the middle of the night. Thank God my mom forgot to take my phone after dinner so I have it here. Why are you calling so late? Are you OK?”

  “I’m OK,” I say. I lie. Again.

  Maybe a trick isn’t a lie. Maybe it’s OK to lie to Liars. And Jaycia is a Liar now too, anyway.

  “I can’t believe you called,” Jaycia is saying. “I was worried I’d never hear from you again. Like, that you’d lose my number or something.”

  “I didn’t,” I say.

  “Why are you calling so late?” she asks again.

  Here we go. Here’s the trick.

  “I just . . . I needed to talk to someone who . . . would understand . . .”

  “Yeah?” Jaycia prompts. “Understand what?”

  “I had this big fight with Louis and Charita. I told them I wanted to go home for my ceremony tomorrow and Louis . . . he said . . . I’ll never get to go back . . . ever. . . .”

  I know I’m about to lie, but the tears are coming from a true place.

  “Oh, Zylynn,” Jaycia said. “I’m sorry. But of course you can’t go back.”

  “I know,” I say. “I get it now.”

  “You do?” she asks.

  “Yeah,” I say. “They were lying to us. Inside. Father. He was lying to us.”

  I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I tell Father in my head. I hope he understands I’m doing this for him.

  “And the Hungry Days. They weren’t good,” I’m saying. “Kids are supposed to have food.”

  I’m crying so hard I don’t think she’ll understand my words, but she does.

  “We are, Zylynn. We’re supposed to have food. And regular school. And parents.”

  Jaycia is crying too. Lying makes you cry. And she’s a Liar.

  “It wasn’t fair what they did to me, to us,” I say.

  It was fair, Father. It was Light and perfect. I’m lying to get back to you.

  “It was awful,” Jaycia says.

  “I’m never going back. I don’t want to go back. I want to forget every awful thing that happened to me Inside.”

  I want to forget every awful thing that happened Outside, in Darkness.

  “I never want to see that place again.”

  I want to be there now.

  “I’m so happy, Zylynn,” Jaycia is saying. “Oh my God, I’m so happy. I knew you’d figure it out. And every day will be a little easier now. You’ll get used to it out here, OK? I promise.”

  Now, for the second part of my trick.

  “There are so many things I want to do,” I say. “I want to go back to Target and see the whole thing, every toy and every piece of clothing between the walls. I want to go back to the restaurant and drink all the kinds of sodas and order all kinds of food I’ve never had before.”

  “Yes!” Jaycia squeals. “We can do that stuff.”

  “I want to learn to ride a bike,” I say. “I want to play new games on the tablet. Run through a sprinkler.”

  “I’ll teach you,” Jaycia says. “I’ll teach you to ride a bike! You can practice on mine.”

  “I want to eat birthday cake and swing on a swing set.”

  “We can go to the park!” Jaycia says. “We can go so many places. The mall. The library. Maybe we can ride a roller coaster. We can bake cookies. We can learn how to cook so we’ll never be hungry again.”

  The problem is that the dark has twisted me so much that I actually do want to do all of these things. But I won’t want that for long. Once I’m Inside, I’ll forget all about it.

  “Can we start soon?” I ask. “Tomorrow?”

  “Yes!” Jaycia squeals. “Can you come over in the morning? I’ll give you my address and maybe your dad or stepmom can drive you over?”

  “Yeah,” I say. “I can get there somehow.”

  “OK,” she says. “My address is Thirty-Eight Oakton Drive. It’s right by the little restaurant where we saw yo
u guys.”

  “Oh wow,” I say, my face burning because I’m back to lying. “I can even walk there from here.”

  “Cool,” Jaycia says. “What do you want to do first?”

  “Go back to Target,” I say. “Or the restaurant. Or find a swing set.” I list a bunch of things to confuse her. The more confused she is, the better. Then I say, “Can I bring my sister, Elsie, with me? She’ll want to spend my birthday with me too.”

  I’m getting too used to all the tricking. I don’t even flinch when I say my.

  “Of course!” Jaycia says. “I forgot it was your birthday. We’re going to have the best day, I promise. You won’t even think about your ceremony.”

  When she says that I start shaking. I think I’ve done enough. It’s time to hang up.

  “Thanks, Jaycia,” I say.

  “Call me Janice!” she yelps.

  I can’t stop shaking. I can’t stop thinking about all the things she was going to do with me to keep me here until I turned thirteen and was doomed. I can’t stop my brain from wondering about a roller coaster or a bicycle or the taste of freshly made cookies.

  “OK,” I say. Then I hang up.

  I go down to the tablet and pull up a new map, this one showing the way to Jaycia’s new house. That’s what they’ll see if they open the tablet in the morning. That’s where they’ll think I am.

  I can get back Inside without them ever finding me.

  I’ve tricked the Liars.

  Nineteen

  THE FIRST WOBBLY OFF-WHITE BEAM OF the rising sun streaks across my bed and pokes me in the eyes. I’m awake, up, out of the bed and almost smiling in seconds. I pull on my whites. The new ones, from Target. But still white.

  Today is the day. I’m thirteen. I go home.

  This time I don’t try to sneak remnants of Darkness with me into the Light. I pack only what we’ll need in Elsie’s stolen backpack: extra pairs of socks and underwear, a bar of soap, flashlight, map, Louis’s digital watch. No Turtle. No green flip-flops. No Tupperware or plastic bag from under my bed. The bed.

  I tiptoe across the hall and open the door to the room with one bed and stuffed animals and coloring books.

  “Elsie!” I whisper.

  I can see her in the bed, curled on her side so that her face is toward me. It looks almost gold in the slices of sunlight that are sneaking around her curtains. The rest of her room is dark.

  Totally dark.

  How does she sleep like this?

  “Elsie!” I whisper again.

  She sits and rubs her eyes. “Zylynn?” she says, too loudly.

  I flip the light switch next the door so it’s not so dark in there and rush across her carpet. “Shh! Shh!” I say. “You can’t wake anyone up!”

  “Why?” she asks. She’s sitting up in the bed now, but her hands are in front of her eyes like she’s trying to hold the Darkness in.

  I have to get her out of here.

  “We’re going to my ceremony, remember? You said you wanted to come.”

  “Oh yeah!” Elsie says, too loudly again. “Happy birthday!”

  “Shh!” I say. I put my hand over her mouth. “You have to whisper, OK?”

  She nods. Her head is just a collection of hands going up and down with her two palms over her eyes and mine over her mouth. I take mine away.

  “Are you ready?” I say. “Just put on shorts and sneakers. I have everything else you need.”

  But Elsie lies back down. “I’m tired. Let’s go later, OK, Zylynn?”

  “No, no!” I whisper. “We have to go now.”

  I need her to come with me. I need something to offer Father so that he doesn’t punish me for a long long time once I turn on the lights.

  “Why?” Elsie asks through a yawn.

  “Come on,” I say, pulling the sheet from her shoulders. “We have to go. We have a long way to walk.”

  “How long?” Elsie asks.

  And then, stupidly, I answer her. “Twelve hours.”

  “Twelve hours!” she shouts. I reach for her face again but then she whispers, “I know, I know. Be quiet. I’m sorry.”

  “Come on!” I say.

  “I can’t walk twelve hours, Zylynn. Let’s just wait until Mommy wakes up. She’ll drive us.”

  I stare at the clock next to her head. Minutes tick by. The sun is barely up but I know those minutes are ticking close to sunset.

  I reach through my brain, through all of the words I’ve learned. I search and search for the perfect words to say to make her get up.

  But I haven’t even started training.

  I don’t know how to Gather Souls.

  Another minute later, I give up. I have to or I’ll miss my chance to get home. I’m going to have to deal with the worst punishment Inside. Anything is better than being doomed to Darkness.

  Elsie’s breathing deeply again. She fell asleep with me sitting right here on the bed.

  Father would forgive me so fast if I managed to save a new soul. Father would welcome me back if Elsie was at my side. There would be no Hungry Day, no pinging for the cheese or any of the Abominations and Mistakes I’ve made in Darkness.

  But I can’t wait for her. If I’m late getting back, I’m stuck in the Darkness forever. Even the worst pinging or the longest Hungry Day would be better than being doomed.

  I watch Elsie sigh in her sleep and shift on her side. I look at her freckles. I think about her making me laugh.

  At first I wanted to take Elsie with me just so I would finally be forgiven. But now I can’t stand the thought of her sleeping here covered in Darkness, of her being so far from safety, of her turning into another Liar. Like Jaycia.

  I lean over and pat her head. “I’ll be back for you, Elsie. I’ll save you soon.”

  I tiptoe down the stairs to steal the food I’ll need. It’s hard to guess exactly how much I should eat in the twelve hours I’ll be walking but I know what to take. Only what belongs to me. Only what Father Prophet gave me. Only what’s leftover.

  I’m listing the items in my head as I reach the bottom of the stairs. The fridge will be my last stop. Fridge, twelve hours of walking, home.

  I’ve been here for so many more than twelve hours. I can wait that long.

  I’m so far into my skull, so careful to see nothing but the list of food forming in front of me, I almost miss it. When I look from the kitchen tiles toward the fridge, I lose all my breath.

  I’m sure they’ve finally killed me. Death by a HAPPY BIRTHDAY ZYLYNN banner and five packages wrapped in winter-sun yellow paper. My heart is choking me.

  I pull my eyes away. They were still lying last night. About some things, if not the birthday stuff. If they weren’t Liars, they would have taken me home for my ceremony after they promised me I could do whatever I want.

  I wind my fingers around the handle of the fridge door and yank. It opens with a whoosh. Cold air rushes at my face. The layers and layers, the shelves upon shelves of food sway in front of my eyes. I’ve never seen so much. I’ve never opened a fridge.

  Why do they have more than we do? Why is the Darkness less hungry and more comfortable than the Light? We’re right and they’re wrong. Everything is backward.

  I let the list form in front of my eyes again, pushing away the questions. I move around cartons of juice and milk, I lift bags of lunch meat, and shove aside cups of yogurt; I do my best to ignore all of the food at my fingers and only grab what’s mine, what was given to me. The tomato I find in one drawer. A bag of grated yellow cheese rests under the lunch meat: close enough. There’s a pile of oranges at the top of the fridge. I take one. I squat, looking for the last thing.

  Then, there, on the bottom shelf, is my cake. Light pink icing. Hot-pink script on top.

  Happy Birthday, Zylynn!

  And Welcome Home!

  I blink and blink and blink until there’s no salt left in my eyes. I stick a finger into the pink and pull back a glop of it to put on my tongue. When the sugar dances there, I have
to blink and blink and blink again.

  They really were going to give me a cake and presents. They really were telling the truth.

  But they’re still Liars. Just because they didn’t lie about everything doesn’t mean they aren’t Liars.

  I can’t think about the ways they were good. I can’t wonder if Charita liked me or if Louis was right about them feeding me and treating me well. It’s too dangerous to think those things.

  Help me get out of here, Father.

  I slam the fridge closed. I find a small chocolate bar in the cabinet next to it. I add two water bottles to the backpack and strap it on my back. One more step. One more lie, one more trick to fool the Liars. I pull down the notepad that Charita keeps fastened to the fridge and write on the front sheet.

  I went to Jaycia’s. It’s where I wanted to go since it’s my birthday. She told me about a lot of fun stuff we can do out here. We have a lot of exciting plans. I have a map so I know where to go. I’ll be back later.

  Zylynn

  Then I march through the living room determined to get right out the door and never look back.

  But there he is. On the couch, curled into the same position I was in yesterday afternoon. Turtle.

  I freeze, sad suddenly.

  Guilty because I shouldn’t be sad.

  Angry because they never should have taken me.

  I drop Elsie’s bag on the wooden floor and pull Turtle from the couch. I squeeze him to my chest. Good-bye.

  For the last time ever, I tiptoe up the carpeted stairs. I lean over and put him on the floor. I make sure he’s sitting up. I make sure it looks like he’s waving. I leave him right outside the door where Elsie sleeps.

  “Keep her safe from the Darkness until I get back, OK, Turtle?” I whisper.

  Then I’m gone.

  I stop at the end of the driveway. The sun is barely peeking out from the roof of the house across the street. The sky burns white with only the slightest hint of blue. The air is cool on my bare arms and legs.

  I glance at Louis’s watch: 5:27.

  I take a deep breath. The cool air goes from my lungs into my legs and arms and tummy and brain. It tastes good. It tastes like home.

  The backpack is light and warm, only a whisper on my shoulders. I feel Father Prophet’s hand resting on my head. I close my eyes, concentrate, and then, in front of me, I see it. Finally. His whole face.