Fake It Baby One More Time: A Fake Romance Collection

by Logan Chance

  “Like Mr. Fluffy?”

  “Nothing with an F please.”

  “Ford!” She laughs.

  “I said nothing with an F.”

  “Pollux?”

  Now it’s my turn to laugh at the fake name I once used to lure Katy into helping me. “I think we can do better.”

  Katy smiles, and then comes up to me, cuddling in my lap. “Picasso,” she says with a heavy sigh.

  “Does he looks artistic in any way, shape or form to you?” I laugh as I nod my chin toward him, as he drools in his sleep. “How about Endless-Money-Pit?”

  “Oh, babe.” She rolls her eyes. “He’s not that bad.”

  I keep trying. “Never-Get-A-Full-Night's-Rest-Again.”

  “Ford,” Katy giggles with a soft warning.

  “All-My-Stuff-Has-Drool-On-It.”

  “Oh my gosh, are you not a dog person?” she inquires, looking serious.

  Did I take my jokes too far? Maybe. Ah, fuck.

  “I am, I am.”

  “But?” she probes.

  “I don’t know, I just think maybe this was like jumping into the ocean rather than wiggling our toes in a kiddie pool.”

  “Maybe, but the best things in our lives have come from jumping right in, haven’t they, babe?”

  I kiss her. “True.” I kiss her again. “But you also drool a lot less than this little warrior.”

  “Oh.” She smiles wide, her eyes sparkling. “There it is. Warrior. We’ll name him Warrior.”

  I think about it. It actually makes perfect sense. For her. For me. And especially for him.

  Two

  Katy

  I’m not exactly sure how I became a third wheel. And more importantly, who knew dogs could surf . . . and like it.

  Ford must have a magical wand that I’m not privy to because he has trained our dog Warrior to ride a surfboard on our vacation in Hawaii. I sit on the beach, somewhat content with a hot romance novel about a firefighter who is being stalked by a crazy kindergarten teacher, loving the warmth of the sun as it bakes my skin under its afternoon glow. I watch them play in the water between chapters, and am now just sitting with my mouth gaping as a small crowd forms around the edge of the ocean. Locals and natives alike are both amazed and in awe at how my Superman of a husband has taught our pitbull to surf.

  They glide effortlessly on the water catching a good wave. Warrior has his long pink tongue slung sloppily out the corner of his wide mouth, completely loving this new trick. And Ford . . . he looks like a proud daddy. He grins with his arms raised in victory as they make the haul from the water to the shore. The gathering of spectators gives them a loud round of applause and whoops for the show they put on.

  And then the women swoop in.

  One by one, bikini-clad women run up and ask for pictures, and to pet our dog.

  Our dog.

  Our big Warrior.

  I feel stabby.

  Which is insane.

  Ford looks around, finding me again on the blanket and waves goodbye to all his adoring fans. Warrior and Ford come running over and shake the water of the ocean over me as they gather around my spot.

  “Did you see that?” he asks.

  “I sure did. Pretty impressive.”

  He gives Warrior a good scratch. “This dog is amazing.”

  I nod. “I’m glad you feel that way.”

  Ford looks away for a moment and then back at me. “Is everything ok?”

  “I’m fine.”

  “Oh, shit,” he says with a laugh.

  “What?”

  “You said the two words that mean war when spoken from the lips of a woman. I’m fine.”

  “I am fine.”

  “Katy,” he urges.

  I sigh. “Listen, I just feel weird. I don’t know how this all works.”

  Ford moves closer to me, wrapping his arm around my shoulders. “How what works?”

  “Having a dog. Sharing you. Having girls in bikinis flock to your side.”

  He laughs hard, but quickly sobers up. Ford turns to me putting his hand under my chin lovingly. “You know there is only one woman that I want flocking to be by my side, right?”

  “Of course. I’m being crazy. But I just feel so … off.”

  “Well, maybe we should get you back on.” He leans in to kiss me, touching soft little kisses to the edges of my mouth. One kiss leads to another. The heat of his lips on mine is hotter than the sun beating down on me. I moan into his mouth and he grips hard to the back of my head, taking me prisoner in his hands. I love it. Lock me up and throw away the key. I’m lost in him. His hard body. How wet and heated his skin is. The way his mouth moves expertly on mine, not too hard, not too soft and just the right amount of naughty, sliding his tongue across mine as he tastes me. He lets out a growl and I clutch him harder.

  “Ford,” I whisper, breaking our kiss for the smallest millisecond.

  He drags his mouth from mine and takes a kissing journey down my neck, painting my skin with the hottest most delicious taps of his lips. He gives me little bites and sucks behind my ear. I melt for him, lost in his touch, craving more.

  And then a dog pants in my ear.

  I blink myself back to our reality.

  And there is Warrior, full of drool, full of wrinkles and full of his own wondering—how the hell did I become the third wheel?

  I laugh out of a mixture of misery, humor, and need.

  Ford laughs. “We need to move this party to our hotel suite.” He glances at Warrior, muttering under his breath, “And pay someone a lot of money to babysit our slobbering child.”

  “As in . . . a stranger?”

  “It’s only a dog, Katy. What do you want to do? Run a full FBI background check and pull their credit?”

  “Yes. A million times yes.”

  He laughs and smoothes his hands down my hair. “I will find the perfect person, Katy. I promise.” He kisses me. “Why don’t you run a bath, relax, and I’ll figure out a slumber party arrangement for Warrior.”

  “Be nice, Ford.”

  “Nice? Baby, I’m a ray of fucking sunshine.”

  Three

  Ford

  Down in the resort lobby I find a dude who looks like he might understand my plight. I’m prepared to spend whatever amount it costs to make this happen. Money is not a problem, but I do need to make sure whoever watches this dog is able to actually do the job. This ain’t no fucking little weiner dog or poodle I’m trying to board. Warrior is a pitbull. It’s like asking someone to watch your pet T-Rex. Not exactly an easy thing to task someone with, even if money is not a problem. But this guy looks pretty damn jacked, like his previous work experience includes recouping money for organized crime families. That is the kind of person who needs to watch my beloved family pet. Because my beloved pet is actually a giant asshole with brute strength.

  Bad combo.

  I walk up to the desk, ready to take on this mission.

  Smile—check.

  Credit card in hand—check.

  Pride fucking swallowed whole—double check.

  “Heyyyy—” I spy his name badge, “—Rando. How are you, man?”

  “Just fine, just fine. How can I help you, sir?”

  “I’m in need of something kind of . . . unique.”

  “Unique, sir?”

  Rando leans on the counter, his muscles bulging from wrist to shoulder. Yup this is my dog sitter. He’s practically Warrior in human form.

  I lower my voice. “You see, I need a few hours alone with a very special lady.”

  He stares blankly at me.

  “Alone,” I say again, but with a smidge more emphasis. “You know?”

  “I don’t know, actually, sir.”

  “A room for a few hours. Like a short business stay.”

  “We have rooms, sir. Not by the hour. We are an upscale establishment,” he says. “What kind of suite would you like for the night with your special lady?”

  Oh shit. Does he think I’
m bringing a hooker to my room? I’m an idiot.

  “No, no.” I laugh. “You see, I have a dog.”

  Blank. Stare.

  Fuck. This isn’t going well.

  “I mean, look Rando . . . we have a dog . . . and I need someone to be in the room with him.”

  “Sir . . .” He flexes his muscles. “What exactly is your problem?”

  I lower my voice a little and lean in. “I’d like for you to watch him.”

  “You want me to watch you bang your dog? Excuse my language but what in the actual fuck, sir?”

  I jump back. “No. What the—I just want a dog sitter. How was that not implied?”

  He cracks up laughing.

  I, however, do not.

  “Sorry, man, you just looked like you were trying to commit a crime, not seek dog boarding services.” He slaps a pamphlet on the counter, still laughing. “There you go. All prices and packages are included on the left side under the gold section.

  I take the pamphlet full of all the dogs accepted already knowing my giant turd of a dog won’t be welcome. “Um, thanks, but look,” I blow out a deep breath. “My dog is not exactly the boarding type. This is for little cute poodles and microscopic fluff balls. He’s like The Incredible Hulk but in dog form. A freaking monster. I just need someone to keep an eye on him for a bit so I can have alone time with my wife, because he’s practically taking my balls from me every second I’m standing here not making this happen. And I promised her. I fucking promised, dude. Look, I’ll buy a second suite. The most expensive one you have. Buy as much room service as you wish. Rent all the movies you want. Whatever, man. I need to make this happen and I know you’re the guy who can do it. What do you say, Rando— are you going to help me get my balls back?”

  The man stares at me and I expect to be escorted away by security and asked to never return, but he turns his head left, turns his head right, and then types into the computer.

  A key card is passed to me.

  “Drop him off to this room number in twenty minutes,” he says.

  Fucking yessssss.

  I practically dance my way back to my suite.

  Warrior sits at the bathroom door with his long tongue panting and slobbering when I arrive. He actually looks at me in a way that pangs in my chest. Like he trusts me. Like a child. Damn it all.

  I like this dog.

  I admit it.

  He’s cool as fuck.

  But still a giant pain in my ass.

  And a complete cockblocker.

  “What are you doing, man?”

  I kneel down to give him a scratch behind the ears and when he rolls to his back the door pushes open a bit, revealing my dreams coming to life.

  A bathtub with a naked as fuck Katy, her back fully arched as she wets her hair in the hot bubbly water, breasts fully exposed for the delight of my eyes. Wet. Soapy. Fucking goddess in human form.

  I turn back to Warrior. “Yeah, love you and such, but it’s time to go buddy.”

  I take him up to the penthouse suite and wonder to myself why the fuck didn’t I swap suites. But whatever. A bed and Katy is all I need. Fuck that. I could even be fine with just Katy. Walls, tables, floor. I’ll make it work. You know?

  The elevator dings and I slide the key card, opening the door. My guy Rando has all the doggy things needed for this giant slobberfest of a dog. Bowls, bones, toys, treats. Guy even put Animal Planet channel on the big screen.

  Epic.

  Perfect.

  “I’ll have to bring him down to you in about three hours. It’s the most I could sneak away, sir.”

  “Ford, please. Call me Ford. It’s more than I was banking on, Rando. Thank you so much, man. You have saved my ass big time.”

  He nods. “Thank you, Ford.”

  I hand over some cash and the dog leash to Rando, and for a second Warrior resists.

  “It’s ok, buddy. I’ll be back for you.”

  It only takes a second to realize what I am doing. I’m leaving him behind with a stranger. Damn it. Does he think I’m giving him back or something? He’s a shelter dog. How many times has he been given away?

  I kneel and pet his head, holding his jowls in my hands so I can look him in those deep buggy eyes of his.

  “Warrior, I’ll be back, ok?”

  He licks my face and then lets Rando take him.

  This animal trusts me.

  Fuck. Why does that sting and feel incredible all at once?

  I place an order for an amazing dinner and dessert before I find Katy in the epic bathroom that is more like a palace than bathroom in this resort. After room service brings everything, I arrange our room and light candles.

  And then it’s showtime.

  I sit on the edge of the huge tub.

  She finally opens her eyes and gazes up at me.

  “Oh,” she jumps. “Ford. You surprised me”

  “Enjoying your bath, baby?” I grin back.

  “It’s incredible. Perfect. You’re so good to me. Such a good husband. And doggy dad.”

  Punch me in the balls.

  “Yeah, about that . . . I found an amazing sitter.”

  She perks up. “Oh. He’s already gone?”

  “Yes.”

  “Oh.”

  “I swear he’s safe. The guy works here and everything.”

  “I just . . wanted to say goodbye.”

  “He’ll be back in …. well,” I laugh, “However long it takes to . . . you know.”

  She grins. “So like thirty seconds?”

  “Punch me in the balls.”

  She laughs harder. “I’m joking. Take off your clothes. Get in with me.”

  “Yes and yes.” I lean in for a kiss.

  She kisses back and allows me to deepen it, opening her mouth. I taste her and I’m gone. I don’t give a shit about my clothes. I let myself crawl into the tub with her, only leaving my shoes behind. Katy laughs as we fall into the tub together, still locked in our kiss.

  “You’re all wet,” she says between breaths.

  “Mm,” I hum and move my mouth to her coconut-scented neck. My fingers go exploring. “So are you, baby.”

  Katy moves her hands to my chest quickly unbuttoning my shirt and tugging at my black tie as she tries to strip me free of this monkey suit.

  I help her pull my shirt free and then help her until her ass sits on the edge of the tub, legs spread wide on each side. Her pussy is wet and exposed for my eyes and mouth. I waste no time putting my tongue inside her, making her scream. I keep my hands under her ass cheeks and hold her open for my mouth to eat her out, not stopping until I make her come, moaning my name so loud I think we’ll get a complaint from the other guests.

  I slide my fingers inside her, pushing against the tightness and find the rough patch of her G-spot to bring her back to life, fucking her steadily with my middle finger as my mouth moves to her tits, sucking hard on her pale pink nipples until they redden and harden into stiff points.

  I bite.

  I tease.

  “Fuck me, Ford.”

  “Oh baby, I will but first I want to spank that pretty little ass until it’s as red as your tits. Flip over for me.”

  I pull on her hips and jut her ass out toward me, slapping my hand against her wet skin until she purrs and arches her back for more. Her lips are swollen with desire and I press my mouth to her center, shoving my tongue as deep inside her as I can from behind.

  “Oh, fuck, Ford.” She moans and her voice echoes off the walls. I fucking love it. “Mm. More. God yes. More.”

  I lap at her, spreading her cheeks to get deeper inside of that sweet pussy. There’s nothing better than the taste of her on my mouth. If we weren’t in the tub I’d have her just sit on my fucking face so I could drink her dry. There’s nothing hotter than her being bent over the ledge losing her mind as she rocks back against my mouth, begging for more than just my kissing of her clit and swipes of my tongue.

  I slap her ass again. She moans so loud I
almost lose it all right here.

  “You’re so fucking hot, Katy.” I choke her slightly before kissing her hard because that’s what my baby likes. A little rough. A little sweet.

  I’m still locked inside my pants and my dick’s a beggar who desperately wants to be freed from this prison. I can’t take it anymore. I pull myself to my feet, the water rushing over me as I stand.

  Katy turns around completely out of breath and looking absolutely fuckable. I don’t even have to ask. She lunges for my zipper like the goddess she is. Her hands are expert as she pulls my dick free, gasping a little as she takes me in her hands and pumps.

  I take her head in my hands and draw her toward my cock. Katy wraps her sweet lips around me and I groan. She’s so good it only takes staring at her pretty face to push me over the edge.

  “Come in my mouth,” she says.

  I gently pull her up. “I need that pussy. I’m gonna fuck you from behind. You want that?”

  She answers by bending back over the tub. The water sloshing all around us as I fuck her deep and hard. The bathroom looking like an earthquake has rocked this place in the aftermath of it all. I fall against her, laughing amid the bubbles and humidity.

  “Well damn,” she says, sighing against me.

  “Damn indeed.”

  Four

  Ford

  Sleep paralysis is a real thing. And apparently so is losing your dog. The two feel remarkably the same. Both send you into a panic. Both are out of your control. And you’ll scare the ever loving shit out of your lover if they found out.

  Honestly, I don’t even know what I’m saying right now. But what I do know is that my dog is gone.

  I woke up in the middle of the night like I normally do, stuck to sheets in a very terrifying fashion. I don’t know how to explain it except to tell you your brain is awake but, yeah, your body is so fucking not. I can’t move an inch until my body and mind decide to make a deal and work together like the team God intended. So, after that little fun moment, I hop out of bed, so I can grab a quick sip of water from the kitchen for my uber parched mouth. Yeah, being scared to death makes you dry, apparently, so I have to remedy that.