by Giselle Fox
Cate tried to turn around but Lexi held her where she was. Cate stared back into the mirror, at the reflection of the woman that seemed so close but that was way outside her reach.
“That’s as much as I can tell you,” Lexi whispered.
“You haven’t told me anything!” Cate was trying to keep her voice down but she was beginning to panic. “What is it? Tell me! What are you involved in?”
Lexi shook her head. “Cate, I can’t tell you.”
“Is it criminal?”
Lexi stared back at her.
“It is, isn’t it? It’s something really bad.”
“Things aren’t always black and white,” Lexi said sadly.
“How could -” Cate felt her voice choke in her throat. “How could you be a criminal?” Cate closed her eyes and leaned back against Lexi’s shoulder. She felt tears sting her eyes. She felt her heart shatter. She felt a desperate, broken moan rise up from inside her and no matter how hard Lexi held onto her, she couldn’t stop it from breaking free. Her knees buckled and she fell onto the thin rug and the tile floor. Lexi cradled her in her arms as she wept.
“I don’t want to lie to you and I can’t tell you the truth, I’m sorry,” Lexi whispered as she kissed her cheeks. “I’m so sorry.”
Cate clung to her, to her arms, to her legs. She gripped on as her fear began to rise up. She began to shiver as it took hold.
Lexi held her and kissed her face. She tried to tell her everything would be okay. Cate saw it all happen from a distance as if she’d floated out of her body and was now miles above. She gazed down at her sorrow, at the deception that had been cloaked in tenderness, at the truth that had broken her heart. Whatever was left of her heart began to close until she couldn’t feel the warmth of love inside it anymore. Until she felt nothing but disgust at her own stupid self for falling into such a mess.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR
Cate sat with her back against the wall in her room in Alice’s apartment. She stared at the closed balcony door. She’d been that way for as long as it took Alice to shower. She’d collapsed on the floor the minute she’d heard the water in the bathroom. Pretending everything was normal and fine had been anything but easy. When Alice opened the bathroom door and padded down the hall to get dressed, Cate stood up and assumed the fake smile she’d been wearing all morning.
“I’ll only be a few minutes,” Alice called. “You can go in there if you need to.”
“Thanks!” Cate said cheerfully. She felt as if a plastic doll had taken over her body. She was willing to let it stay exactly where it was until the minute she got home.
She sat back on the bed and stared at the door again. She thought of Lexi and the last words she’d said to her; that she didn’t want to see her again, that she was sorry she’d ever met her, that she hated her for lying. All those words had remained true through the long, sleepless night. All of those words and a great many others that she couldn’t allow herself to think of at that moment. It all hurt too much. She ached from head to toe as if her body had been crushed along with her heart.
She looked over at her packed bag and went through the checklist once again in her mind. Everything was there, she already knew it. None of it mattered anyway compared to what she’d already lost.
Alice’s bedroom door opened and Cate shot up from her perch on the bed.
“So, coffee?” Alice said as she towel dried her hair.
“Absolutely,” Cate grinned. “Let me make it. You get ready.”
“I am ready,” Alice said.
“Then you make it and I’ll watch,” Cate said cheerfully.
“You’re perky today,” Alice said as she scooped another heap of ground beans into the stovetop coffee maker.
Cate sat on the chair at the kitchen table and flipped through a magazine she’d already read. “I feel really good,” she said happily.
“You enjoyed your time here?”
“Yes! Completely, oh my God, it was so much fun!” Her enthusiasm was even sickening to her own ears but Alice seemed to buy it well.
“I’m so glad,” she said and smiled. “We had some good times.”
“So when does Todd get home?” Cate asked.
“In a few more days unless something happens with his work.”
“Are you going to tell him?”
“I... think so. It’s time.”
Cate nodded. “You should be happy, bottom line.”
“Yeah, that’s sort of how I see it. Who knows how it’ll work out.”
“Well, keep me posted.”
“So, do you think you’ll come back?” Alice winked.
Cate laughed. “Well, maybe. But there are a lot of places that I’d like to go.”
“No one special that you want to have another holiday fling with?” Alice rolled her eyes up to the ceiling and held them there to make her point.
Cate frowned and shook her head. “Hey, it was fun to dabble, but ... not my thing.”
“So you’re not a lesbian after all?”
Cate flipped through her magazine casually and smiled. “Nope, not today at least.”
Alice laughed. “No harm in testing the waters, I guess. Maybe I’ll come and visit you next time.”
Cate put her magazine down. “Oh, Alice, do you really mean it? That would be so fun!” She knew her friend would do no such thing but she figured she should try to encourage her anyway.
“It would, wouldn’t it?” Alice said.
After their coffee, they made the drive down to the airport in David. Alice pulled over and parked and they both stepped out to grab Cate’s bags.
“You need help getting in there?” Alice asked.
Cate shook her head. “I’m fine. I don’t have much.”
Alice stood there and held out her arms. “I guess this is it.”
“Yeah. Thanks for everything. I really had a great time.”
“Good! I’m glad. And..” Alice held her hand. “Thank you, for being a good friend. I think I needed this as much as you did.”
“You’re welcome. Don’t forget to tell me how everything goes. And give Todd a hug from me. Tell him I would have liked to see him.”
“I will,” Alice said.
“Okay. I should go.”
They hugged each other again and Cate picked up her bag. Alice stood outside her car and watched her walk through the doors. When Cate looked back, she watched her friend give one last wave and then climb into her car.
Being in the airport and pretending to be fine all morning had actually helped her mood. Cate was ready to go home, to get back to her world. Even the idea of going back to work didn’t hurt as badly as it should have. Nothing compared to the pain that sat beneath it all. Nothing else seemed to matter. She would go back to her life, she would break up with Peter - she didn’t even care how anymore since she was pretty sure from his silence over the last week that he didn’t miss her anyway. She would forget everything that had happened in Panama and immerse herself in something new. Something physical, she thought.
She thought about all the possibilities as she checked her bag and then stood in the security line-up. She thought about the snow that would still be on the ground back home and whether she should take a cab or the bus back to the city. She thought of everything but Lexi right up until the moment she’d buckled herself into her seat and settled into the long flight back to Panama City. Until the minute she pulled her book from her bag and found the envelope with her name on it.
CHAPTER TWENTY-FIVE
Six months later...
"Okay, keep or turf?" Shannon held up three books in her hand.
Cate looked up from her stack of dishes and read the titles. "Thrift pile," she said.
"Ruthless," her sister smiled.
"It's either trash, thrift or storage, and storage is expensive."
"Only if you stay gone forever," her sister said.
"I'm not going forever, just four or five months, maybe a little longer. Who knows?"
"Moving to Canada is hardly crazy," Cate said.
"Some would disagree," Shannon laughed. "Okay, how about these?" She held up three more books.
Cate glanced up again and was about to answer when an envelope fell out of one of them.
"Whoops," said her sister. "Looks like there's something you need to open. It's still sealed.” Shannon tossed it over to her but it missed the edge of the table and fluttered to the floor.
Cate stared down at it. She knew exactly what it was. She wished she hadn't seen it again. For whatever reason, she'd kept it, unopened as it was for the last six months.
Her sister held up the books again. "So - verdict?"
"Thrift pile," Cate said. She wrapped another plate as she stared at the envelope on the floor. Finally, she bent and picked it up.
"How about these?" Her sister said again as she held up more books.
"Thrift pile," Cate said without even looking up. "You know what? Just thrift pile all of them. Somebody else can read them."
"That's what I like to hear," her sister said. "Ruthless. Without Ruth."
"Ruthless," Cate repeated as she turned the envelope over in her hand. She considered opening it just for nostalgia's sake. She hadn't thought about Lexi in at least a month and was beginning to feel better for it.
"Um, I bet this is Peter's," her sister said. Cate looked up and saw a programming book.
“Leave it on the shelf. I have something else for him too."
"Have you talked to him lately?"
Cate held the envelope in her hand still. She looked up. "No. Not recently."
"Is he seeing someone else?"
"I have no idea," Cate mumbled.
"Don't know, don't care, hey?"
"I know you think I made the wrong decision there but he's not Graham."
"He was a nice guy, Cate."
"Then maybe you should have married him."
Her sister laughed. "I already have a husband."
"And I don't want one," Cate said. "Done."
"Have you dated?"
"Who me?"
Shannon glared at her. "Yeah, you."
"No."
"Why not?"
"I haven't felt like it. Why is it so important?"
"Because you're in your late thirties, you dumped your boyfriend, you've taken a leave of absence on your super cushy job -"
"My job is not cushy. It's anything but cushy, in fact."
"Are you having a mid-life crisis?"
Cate laughed as she remembered the last time she was asked that question. "It's funny how doing something for yourself is construed as having a crisis these days. I just want to take some time off and have some fun. Assess things, see some sights, meet people..."
"Maybe have a little romance?" her sister grinned.
Cate shook her head and laughed. “Sure, if it happens, I'm game."
"Good." Shannon seemed satisfied with that answer and held up two framed pictures. "Okay, these?"
“Storage.” Cate stuffed the envelope into her back pocket and continued packing up her china.
Later that night, after most of her remaining possessions were wrapped and packed away or sorted in boxes for the thrift store, Cate sat down on her last remaining piece of furniture - her bed.
She'd poured herself a glass of wine, she'd eaten the remainder of the takeout Thai food she'd ordered the night before, she'd mentally prepared herself for whatever she might find inside the unopened envelope, good or bad. She wasn't sure which would be which. After six months, she knew she still wasn’t over Lexi.
She slid her thumb under the flap and pulled, making sure she didn't give herself a paper cut in the process. The last thing she needed was a physical reminder of the pain Lexi had caused. She reconsidered what she was doing for a moment, remembering the many long nights she'd spent miserable and heartbroken after her return from Panama. Whatever Lexi had wanted to tell her months before couldn't possibly be worth bringing it all up again. But she ripped the envelope open and found a folded piece of paper inside. She opened the letter and read it quietly to herself and then she put down her wine glass and read it again.
Cate.
I've spent the last week trying to do the right thing, to leave you alone, to stay away and pull back. But I couldn't. That morning in the tree house made me realize that I couldn’t stop what was happening between us.
I couldn't lie to you even though it would have been so much easier for both of us if I had. I could have given you a different story and you probably would have believed me. But I wanted you to know the truth about me, what little of it I could share without compromising your safety.
If you had come here in the fall instead, it would have all been over. We would have had our time together and at the end, I would have asked you to stay with me. I wanted to tell you that I was in love with you and that I didn’t want you to leave, but instead, I hurt you by telling you too little and too much.
I wish I could change the way it is, but things are in motion and people are depending on me. So I have to ask you, to beg you, please... don't hate me for something you don't know. The world isn't black and white. Sometimes wrong can be right. If you remember the time we had together instead, maybe you could love me still. I won't stop loving you.
L
After the second time through, Cate felt tears begin to roll down her cheeks. Her heart ached all over again as if someone had squeezed it and the air from her lungs as well. She sat back with the letter in her hand and then curled herself into a ball. She closed her eyes and tried to block out the images of Lexi that suddenly surrounded her. But the more she struggled, the more it felt as if Lexi was there, beside her, overpowering her, pinning her to the sheets, kissing her, and then, when she allowed the fantasy to take hold, making love to her.
She rolled onto her back and stared up at the ceiling. She willed the blank surface to erase all the memories from her mind. It was no use. They just played as if there was a screen above her, real enough to start her heart pounding in her chest, visceral enough that her fingers gripped at the sheets beneath her. After six months, she thought she was free. How very foolish she had been.
She sat up and read the letter again, looking for any reason to hate her. All she could find were the sad words of a woman caught between love and bad timing. Cate didn't know more than that but understood from experience that the world was never black and white, that wrongs could, in fact, be right. Perhaps what mattered most was that Lexi had wanted to keep her safe, even at the expense of their love.
If it had been the fall instead, she read again. What did that mean? It was August, so many months later and September was only a week away. What did it mean?
Cate couldn't keep her mind from venturing down that path. She sat up with the letter still clutched in her hand and wandered through her apartment. The movers would come in two days and take what was left of her belongings. The new people would arrive the day after to sublet it for the time she would be away.
The letter read itself back in her mind. I would have asked you to stay.
Cate thought of Lexi saying those words and her not knowing anything beyond the love and intimacy they'd shared during her holiday. It would have made the decision so easy, wouldn’t it? Not knowing the truth. She would have stayed since that's what she’d wanted, deep down. That’s what she’d wanted to hear Lexi say, the night she climbed the roof and snuck into her apartment before she saw what she shouldn’t have seen. She would have said yes a thousand times, had Lexi chosen to deceive her instead.
I wanted you to know who I was. It was Lexi's voice now, in her ear as if she was right behind her.
Cate walked into her bathroom and stared at herself in the mirror. She was alone, that was certain. She was desperately in love, that too was certain. Her body and soul craved Lexi as if she'd never left her arms. Cate pounded her fist
against the granite counter and stared at herself, long and hard.
What are you doing? she asked.
I have too, she answered back.
The struggle happened right there in front of the glass. The weighing of odds, the likelihood of danger versus the thrill of being with Lexi. When she arrived at her conclusion, she found her phone and dialed Alice.
"This is a nice surprise," Alice said when she answered.
"I thought I'd check up on you. Plus, I've been craving some of Yolanda's salsa," Cate said cheerfully.
"I know. It's so good! How are you? Wait a second, you're leaving soon right? Or have you already left?"
"I’m all packed, waiting for the movers. Shannon was here helping me do the big purge."
“Oh, that’s nice. No wonder it sounds so echoey. So, getting excited?"
"I am, yes."
"Know where you're going yet?"
"I have the first month pretty much figured out. After that, I'll play it by ear."
"And, where’s the first stop?"
"I'm flying to Barcelona on Wednesday and staying in a little place there for a week. Then I’m off to explore."
"Beautiful. You'll love it."
"I’ll practice my Spanish a bit, read, drink wine, look at the gorgeous people..."
"Ugh! Sign me up," Alice said. "I could use a holiday."
"A holiday from your holiday?" Cate laughed.
Alice laughed too.
"How's Ambrose?" Cate asked.
"He's doing well. He started doing his photography again. I think you may have inspired him with all your compliments. He still talks about it."
"Oh good!"
"He's a better photographer than a writer, but don't tell him I said that," she laughed.
"I won't," Cate said.
"Oh! And guess what?"
"What?"
"He finally got his wish. He got the attic apartment!"
Cate's heart sank. "No way! He must be thrilled!"
"He was and still is. Though it's been crazy hot up there. I wouldn't want it, but there you go."
"So … there was a vacancy?"