Redemption 03 - Return

by Smalley, Gary; Kingsbury, Karen

  “Ashley…” His expression looked stricken, tight and pinched, almost worse than it had the afternoon of September 11 before he boarded the bus for Manhattan. “What is it? What’d I do?”

  “Not you, Landon. I love you more than life.” She gave his fingers the gentlest squeeze and forced herself not to fall into his arms and weep for the sadness exploding within her. “It’s me.” She clenched her jaw. The simpler she could make the news, the better. “Something’s happened.”

  “What?” The ring box still lay on the table, cold, untouched. “Whatever it is, we’ll work it out.”

  Her tears came harder, silent and steady. She shook her head and sniffed. A flood of sorrow the size of Niagara Falls was pressing at the door of her heart. If she didn’t hurry, none of what she had to say would make sense. For several seconds she closed her eyes and held her breath. Then—as she’d done on the airplane the day before—she exhaled through pursed lips. And somehow she found the strength to meet his eyes once more.

  “Tell me, Ashley.” With slow movements he loosened one of his hands from hers and took hold of the linen napkin still stretched across her knees. He dabbed a corner of it beneath her nose and along the outline of her jaw. Then he set the napkin down, leaned forward, and kissed away the tears from first one eye, then the other.

  Ashley melted beneath his touch, but it took only a few seconds for her to stiffen, sit straighter as his hand found hers once more. It was wrong to wait, but she didn’t know where to begin. How to begin.

  Landon searched her face and tried once more. “I’ve known the best and the worst about you, Ashley Baxter. Whatever it is, just tell me.”

  She’d prepared for this moment since getting the news more than twenty-four hours ago. She’d known then that when she told him, he would insist on maintaining some kind of relationship. A friendship, maybe—or even an engagement—something they could take one week or one day at a time.

  But she’d made up her mind. Landon was young and kind and impossibly attractive. She would not have him waste time on her when they could never have a future together.

  She sucked in a slow breath and held it for a moment. Her heart was racing, but that was okay. Whatever happened next, she had to tell him. “Several days ago—” her eyes found his—“a woman from Paris called me. She…she said she’d been asked by a doctor to contact a list of names.”

  Confusion reigned in Landon’s eyes. “From Paris?”

  “Landon…” Ashley’s mind was spinning. She tightened her grip on his hands and struggled to find the words. “Jean-Claude is dying of AIDS.”

  A series of emotions flashed across his face: shock…disbelief…horror…and finally hope. “It’s been years since—”

  “Landon.” She let her gaze fall again. His eyes were too kind and deep, and she needed a few seconds to build up the strength to continue. When she looked up, her vision was blurred by fresh tears. “I took the test last week.” The pause that followed was the longest silence in her life.

  “And…” One emotion remained in his voice now. A raw kind of fear that knew no bounds.

  “It was positive.”

  There. She’d said it, and now nothing between them would ever be the same again. She let her chin fall, let her eyes find the place where their hands were linked. When she spoke, her tone was so broken she barely recognized it. “I’m sorry, Landon.”

  For several seconds he said nothing. Then his words rushed out, as though by asking questions, by searching for answers, he might somehow change the situation. “Tests can be wrong, Ashley. Where’d you have it done?”

  Before she could speak, he had his own answer. “Wherever it was, it doesn’t matter. Mistakes happen. Besides, even if it is positive, there are options these days. Drugs…medicine. It’s not like it used to be, you know that, right, Ashley?”

  “Don’t, Landon.” She freed one of her hands and brought it to the side of his face. Her fingers moved along his cheekbone, down the length of his jaw, memorizing the feel of him. “It’s over.” The tears spilled onto her cheeks again. “God wants me to move on, return to Cole, and figure out some kind of treatment.” The lump in her throat felt like a grapefruit. “I have to let you go.”

  “No!” A controlled anger shook Landon’s voice. “I want to marry you, Ashley. We’ll find a way to make it work, we have to, no matter what happens.”

  She let her hand fall to her lap. In her rehearsal of the conversation that was taking place, she had imagined a dozen things. That he would tell her it was a mistake and insist on another test; that he would promise her he still cared, still wanted to be in her life even if she was HIV positive.

  But she had never expected a marriage proposal.

  Seconds passed, and she could do nothing but stare at him, allow him to fill her senses while she marveled at the man he was. The man he’d always been. But his goodness made her decision all the more firm. A man like Landon deserved a wonderful life, a healthy girl with a future ahead of her, a woman without a sordid past who could give him a family and a lifetime of happiness.

  And he’d find that woman only one way.

  If Ashley climbed onto an airplane bound for Indianapolis and never looked back. Not ever. No matter what he thought he wanted, that would be the best thing for him, the thing that would prove her love for him like nothing else she could ever do.

  “Ashley, what are you thinking?” Fear was back in his voice. “I don’t care about the test.”

  She closed her eyes one more time, and when she opened them she felt more composed. Her mind had been made up since she’d learned about Jean-Claude. Now they needed to find some place where they could say good-bye.

  She caught his gaze and held it. “Can we get out of here?”

  Landon swallowed, his eyes wide. He returned to his place on the other side of the table, pulled a credit card from his wallet, and set it at the edge of the table. Neither of them said anything while the waitress ran his card and returned the check to him.

  He signed it, stood, and reached for Ashley’s hand. Before they left he took the velvet box from the table, closed the lid, and slid it back into his pocket. She didn’t have to ask him how he felt. The hurt was written clearly across his face, screaming from his eyes.

  The news she’d given him tonight had devastated him. And what was about to come figured to be even worse.

  When they were in the hotel lobby, he turned to her and searched her face. “Where?”

  “The lobby near my room.” She blinked. “We need to be alone.”

  In silence, their hands linked, they rode the elevator to the eighteenth floor. Once in the small, nearly dark sitting area, she turned and faced him. “Landon, it’s over. All of it.”

  He shifted his weight from one leg to the other, and twice his mouth opened as though he wanted to protest. Finally he reached for her hand again. “Ashley, this is crazy. I’ve loved you as long as I can remember.” His eyes drilled hers, begging her to understand. “A blood test isn’t going to change that.”

  She wanted to break down and cry, to pull him close and tell him it hadn’t changed her feelings either. But that would make the eventual good-bye worse. Love is a decision. The words played over in her mind like a song she couldn’t forget. In her decision to love Landon, the last thing she could do was appear unresolved.

  With her free hand, she took hold of his arm, her gaze direct and unwavering. “It changed it for me.”

  He searched her face, her eyes. “Ashley…” Tiny beads of sweat dotted his brow. “That’s not fair. You love me…you know you love me.”

  “Yes.” Her voice was a broken whisper. “I love you. But God wants me to let you go.” She bit her lip to keep it from quivering. “It’s time, Landon, that’s all.” She moved her hand from his shoulder to the side of his face before burying her fingers in his dark hair and drawing him close. Her lips brushed against his cheek, his lips, and then she pulled back.

  “You’re panicking.” His e
yes were dark with desire. “We’ll take it one day at a time; I can do this, Ash. Give me a chance.”

  She went to him then, allowed him to draw her into an embrace that said all they couldn’t bring themselves to speak. He clung to her, begging her to work it out with him, but she could feel her body stiffen, resolute. Nothing would make her change her mind.

  Her love for him was that great.

  “Landon.” They separated, and she refused another wave of tears. “When I leave tomorrow, don’t call me; don’t come after me.” She kept her eyes on his, ignoring the sobs that welled within her. “Honor that, please.”

  He slid his hand in his pocket, and she guessed he was fingering the velvet box. Tears gathered in his eyes, tears that hadn’t been there even when he returned from Ground Zero, from finding Jalen.

  After a long while he sniffed hard and looked deep into her soul. “If you need time, I’ll give it to you.” He reached for her hands; then he kissed her one last time. He was breathless when he found her eyes, and his words were directed straight to the center of her being. “I’ll let you go, Ash, but only for now. Until you have time to catch your breath. But one day…one day I’ll return to you, and then you’ll know.”

  She wanted to disagree, to insist that he forget such thinking because it would hurt them both when it didn’t happen. But she couldn’t stop herself from going along with it. She swallowed hard. “Then I’ll know what?”

  His eyes shone, and Ashley wished she could freeze time, wished she could collect her easel and a blank canvas and capture his look in case this moment was the last they’d ever share together. “Then you’ll know what God’s really telling you.”

  Ashley watched him turn and walk toward the elevators a few doors away. He pressed the button, then turned and leaned his shoulder against the wall, his eyes never leaving hers. When the door opened, he mouthed the words I love you.

  Then he was gone.

  Ashley stepped back and dropped slowly into an overstuffed chair. The heaviness of her heart was such that she couldn’t stand up under it another moment. She buried her head in her hands and released the tears that had built there.

  She wanted to scream, rail against the consequences that had come upon her now, just when life was coming together. And then—for the first time that night—the truth about Landon’s plans hit her full force. He’d bought her an engagement ring! He’d been planning to propose to her, and if she’d never heard from Marie in Paris, this night would’ve been her most wonderful ever.

  At this very moment they would’ve been kissing and laughing and admiring her ring. In the glow of candlelight, they would’ve talked about a wedding date and announcing the news to their families. Especially to Cole.

  Somehow she struggled to her feet and found her way to her room. Thoughts of her son made her tears come twice as hard. Landon was his best friend. Her bad choices in Paris had cost Cole any chance at a father, all possibility of a normal life. They might even cost him his mother as well. Or his own life.

  God, the sorrow is too great. I can’t survive it.

  She sucked in three quick breaths and willed the convulsing in her chest to stop. Tears still streamed down her face, but she stared out a distant window, found a piece of the sky, and set her gaze there. Where God lived. As bad as things were, as awful as they might become, she had done the right thing. The thing God wanted of her.

  She loved Landon enough to let him go, and now God would show her how to get on with life, how to figure out a way to live with her diagnosis. He would show her, because that was what he promised in Scripture—that he knew the plans he had for her, and that he would work all things out to the good. Even if she didn’t see proof of that until heaven.

  Gradually her tears slowed. A part of her ached to call Landon, to tell him it was all a mistake and that yes, of course she wanted to marry him. But she ordered herself to be strong, to stand by the decision she’d made. God alone knew what lay ahead for her. Somehow he would see her through.

  Ashley fell into bed sometime before ten o’clock. When she did, she was surprised that though she felt buried beneath her sorrow, devastated, and afraid of the future, her heart wasn’t broken as she’d thought it would be. Where her heart had been she felt a hollow empty hole. A cold, dark, nothingness.

  And in that instant she understood why.

  When he left, Landon Blake had taken more than her hopes and desires. More than the future she’d dreamed of sharing with him. He’d taken the thing that would forever be his alone.

  He’d taken her heart.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-SEVEN

  LUKE HAD HIS BACKPACK flung over his shoulder, and he was almost out the door when the phone rang. He glanced back and considered letting the machine get it. But sometimes his boss at the cafeteria called this early to see if he wanted an extra shift. Money was tight, and since it was his day off, he took a few jogging steps back inside and grabbed the receiver.

  “Hello?”

  “Luke…it’s Ashley.”

  “Hey.” He glanced at his watch and ordered himself to be patient. “What’s up?” Other than his mother, only Ashley made an attempt now and then to keep in touch with him. July had flown by, and she hadn’t seen him in weeks. But she wouldn’t look shocked at his appearance, wouldn’t roll her eyes at his long hair and what was now a full-grown beard, the way Brooke had.

  Ashley knew what it was to be the single Baxter going against the grain.

  “Luke, we need to talk.” Her tone was rock hard. “What time are you finished with classes?”

  Luke blinked. “Am I in trouble?”

  “No. Sorry.” Compassion leaked in between her words. She exhaled hard. “We just need to talk.”

  “One o’clock.” Luke’s mind raced. Was something else wrong with Maddie? Ashley had given him the good news about her a few weeks earlier. But if it wasn’t their niece, then who? What? In all the time since he’d left home, Ashley hadn’t sounded so serious. “Wanna come here?”

  “No.” Her answer was quick, certain. “Remember that big willow tree near the math building? Let’s meet at the bench beneath it.”

  “Okay.” A handful of questions played on his tongue, but Luke swallowed them. It was probably something about his father. Maybe Ashley had decided to play peacemaker, in which case the meeting would be a waste of time. Unless his father accepted him the way he was, Luke wanted nothing to do with him. “I gotta run.”

  “Ten after one at the tree?”

  “Right. See ya.” Luke hung up, shifted his backpack higher on his shoulder, and jogged out the door. His first class was in eight minutes.

  The morning passed in a blur of reviews for final exams, slated for the end of the week. By that weekend, summer classes would be over, and he’d have a month off until fall.

  It was a few minutes after one when he jogged across the campus and turned left toward the math building. Ashley was already waiting for him at the bench beneath the willow, just as she’d said. She turned when she heard him, and their eyes met.

  He walked the last few steps and was still breathing hard by the time he got to her. She looked as beautiful as ever, but her eyes were older. As though there were things about her life she hadn’t shared with him. The possibility poked pins at his conscience. Why did he keep such distance—especially from her?

  She stood and held out her arms, and he hugged her for a long time. When they pulled apart, he took in the length of her and gave her a partial smile. “You look good, Ash.”

  “Check out your hair.” She ran her fingers along the base of his neck. Then she tickled his beard. “I almost didn’t recognize you.”

  He shrugged. “I needed something different.”

  “That happens.” She sat back down and patted the spot next to her. “Sit.”

  He eased his backpack onto the ground and dropped to the bench. “This is about Dad, right?”

  She stared at him, her eyes serious and sad. Sadder than he’d ever seen th
em. “No.” Her expression softened some. “I mean, yes, Dad’s missing you. But that’s not why I’m here.”

  He cocked his head. “This isn’t about asking me to come home?”

  Ashley shook her head. “No, Luke. It’s so much more than that.” Her gaze was as intense as the summer sun. “What I’m about to tell you, I promised Reagan I would never say. But—” Her voice caught, and for a moment she brought her fingers to her lips.

  “Hey!” Luke put his hand on her shoulder and leaned a bit closer. “Ash, what is it? What’s Reagan have to do with it?”

  “Life is funny, Luke.” She sniffed. “You think you have things all figured out, and then life throws you a curveball. Know what I mean?”

  Luke could see himself in Mr. Decker’s office high in the World Trade Center, Reagan standing beside him as they laughed about some play they were going to see that night. He blinked. “Yeah, I do.”

  She inhaled slowly through her nose. “I’m sick, Luke.” She gave a brief shake of her head. “I tested positive for HIV.”

  For a split instant he wanted to yell at her, shake her, and tell her never to say anything like that again. But almost as quickly the facts began to register. First, she wasn’t laughing. And second…

  He felt faint, sick to his stomach, but he found his voice. “Was it…was it Paris?”

  “Yes.” She hung her head and her chin trembled. When she looked up, tears filled her eyes and there was a pleading in her voice. “No one knows yet. Just you and…and Landon.”

  “But, Ashley—” his heartbeat doubled—“it’s been such a long time. Are…you sure?”

  “I haven’t been to the doctor yet, but the blood test was positive.” She bit her lip. “Anyway, that’s not why I came.”

  He tried to remember what she’d said the last time they’d talked. Something about going to New York and taking some of her paintings to a gallery in Manhattan. She hadn’t mentioned spending time with Landon, but that figured. He lived there, after all, and the two of them were friends. Good friends. Reagan lived in New York City, too. No wonder Ashley was thinking about his old girlfriend.