Beautiful Goodbye

by Heather D'Agostino

  I was spending today packing up some of my things. Kasey had volunteered to let me move in with her until I figured things out. I hadn’t told Ryan how bad it was because I didn’t want him to think I was pressuring him to move in together. We weren’t there yet, at least I didn’t think we were. Hell, he hadn’t even invited me over. I’d plotted with Kasey the other night to try and find a way to seek out his place. I suggested just asking him, but she shot the idea down. According to her, it must be a huge secret or something since he hadn’t volunteered the information.

  I thought about going to the hospital to surprise him with lunch. He had to get breaks, right? The idea of setting foot back in the place where my father took his last breaths was debilitating though. I couldn’t even go near the place. I could still hear the beeping of the machines if I listened hard enough. Kasey then suggested picking up lunch, texting Ryan, and then waiting in the parking lot. “You could have a picnic,” she’d smiled. I’d thought about it, and decided to try. After all, what’s the worst that could happen, right?

  So here I stand with a takeout bag from Maggie’s Diner down the street. I’m standing across the road from the hospital. It’s the closest I dare get. My phone is clutched in my hand so tightly that it might shatter while the food and a drink carrier are in the other. I saw a few park benches gathered under a small area of trees down the street, so I decided to head in that direction. When I reached them, I sat and pulled up Ryan’s number on my phone.

  Rachel: Can you take a break? I’ve got lunch.

  Ryan: lunch?

  Rachel: Yeah, you know… that meal you’re supposed to eat in the middle of the day?

  Ryan: I’m kinda busy right now. Wait for me?

  Rachel: Ok

  I lowered myself onto the bench and began surfing Facebook as I waited, and waited, and waited. An hour passed and still no sign of him so I texted again.

  Rachel: Did you forget about me? Thought you were coming soon.

  Ryan: I am, right now. Sorry give me 10.

  I shook my head as the anger settled. I had no right to be upset. I came here without telling him. I knew he was busy. I didn’t think it would be that hard to get away, but I also understood that he couldn’t just drop everything for me. I scolded myself for being so frustrated with him, and then began pulling our sandwiches from the bag to set them out. The hospital was kitty-corner to where I was sitting, and when I glanced up I saw him. He was looking around with one of his hands over his eyes to block the sun. Our gazes connected, and he smiled before striding toward me. He looked tired, but I brushed it off and stood to hug him.

  Ryan

  “I’m surprised to see you this morning. Weren’t you supposed to come in later?” Cassie quirked a brow at me.

  “I have the day off. I came to see Jamie, and figured I’d just move my appointment up so I don’t have to come back,” I lowered myself onto the recliner type chair and rolled my sleeve up.

  “How are you doing?” she smiled as she went to work inserting the catheter and hooking me up.

  “How am I doing?” I murmured. “Well let’s see. I’m alive,” I snapped sarcastically. “Jamie hasn’t found a bone marrow match, and my girlfriend doesn’t know about any of this,” I rolled my eyes before leaning back and closing them.

  “I know it’s not my place,” Cassie paused “but you need to tell her. She could be a great support system for you, and maybe even a match.”

  My eyes flew open, “I’m not asking her for that.”

  “Why not?” Cassie shook her head at me. “You never know, and how is it any different than getting one off the list?”

  “I’m not doing that,” I grit out as I slip my earbuds in and click on my playlist. I let the music swallow me as the machines do their job. Sometimes I’m able to sleep through part of the treatment, but my phone buzzing in my pocket keeps me from it today.

  When I swipe my finger over the screen bringing it to life, I see Rachel’s name lit up.

  Rachel: Can you take a break? I’ve got lunch.

  “Crap,” I glanced down at my watch to see I’ve still got another hour before I’m finished.

  Ryan: lunch?

  I stall trying to figure out how I’m going to do this. I want to meet up with her. We haven’t seen each other in several days, but I can’t let her up here and I can’t leave yet.

  Rachel: Yeah, you know… that meal you’re supposed to eat in the middle of the day?

  Ryan: I’m kinda busy right now. Wait for me?

  Rachel: Ok

  I put my phone back in my pocket and all possibility of relaxing during the rest of this is gone. My brain is spinning as I try to come up with an explanation as to why she’d have to wait. I’m glad she didn’t come looking for me, but I’m also worried that she might one day. We’ve never talked about her coming to meet me at work. She’s never asked so I’ve never had to deny her. It’s not that I don’t want her to, but I can’t let her see me like this.

  When Cassie finally comes back to unhook me, I spring from the seat. My head spins slightly and I waver on my feet. “Whoa cowboy. What’s the rush?” she grips my arm to help steady me.

  “I gotta go,” I pull away just as my phone buzzes in my pocket. I know it’s her without even looking. I hadn’t told her I was going to be taking so long and I’m sure she’s either pissed or worried at this point.

  “You need to take it easy,” Cassie scolded me as I rushed out of the dialysis unit to head toward the locker room. I hadn’t even thought about the fact that I was in street clothes and not scrubs. How would I explain to Rachel that I was in jeans for work? Luckily I kept an extra set of clothes in my locker for those mishaps that I couldn’t prevent. Working on the peds wing brought in the possibility of barf and blood.

  It didn’t take me long, and when I burst through the front doors of the hospital, I saw her. She was sitting on a bench over near an office complex. Her legs were crossed as she sipped from a Styrofoam cup. I smiled and waved before rushing in her direction. I could feel my heart thundering in my chest as I conjured up the lie I was going to tell her today.

  “I was beginning to think you were standing me up,” she scowled as she stood and wrapped me in a hug.

  “No, just busy,” I sighed. Being around her made all my worries melt away. I could sense that it did the same for her. Our conversations at night had consisted of her telling me how she was a failure and losing her dad’s garage was slowly killing what was left of his legacy. She sounded so broken, and all I wanted to do was hold her but I couldn’t. Seeing her in person was so much better. Just in the few minutes we hugged I could feel the tension melting away.

  “What’s up with this?” she flicked a tag on the back of my shirt. “You into the inside out look now?” she giggled as I froze. In my hurry to change I’d failed to realize that my top was on the wrong way.

  “Nah,” I shook my head as I chuckled. “Just one of those days.”

  “Ookay,” she rolled her eyes. “I brought sandwiches. I hope yours isn’t soggy now that it sat here all afternoon.” She handed me the sub wrapped in white paper before beginning to open hers.

  “About that,” I sighed. “I’m glad you came. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I have a crazy schedule most days. Sometimes I don’t get lunch. I have to eat between patients. I can’t always do this, so it’s better to call first. I’d hate for you to come all this way and sit here all afternoon.” I took a bite of the sandwich and groaned in pleasure. It tasted so good and had all my favorites on it.

  Rachel pouted for a minute before blowing out a breath, “Noted. I won’t just show up anymore. I didn’t really think about you being that busy.”

  “It’s ok,” I wrapped one arm around her shoulder. “I appreciate the thought, believe me.”

  We sat there in comfortable silence just people watching as we ate. Traffic was light and other than a few passing cars, it was relatively quiet. It was a hot day, and as the sun beat down on us, I was
rethinking the navy scrubs.

  “Man it’s hot,” I sighed as I wiped the condensation from my cup across my forehead.

  “I’ve been spending less time outdoors lately and unless someone is picking up their car, I don’t leave the office.”

  “So it’s really happening huh?” I turn toward her and tuck a stray hair behind her ear.

  “Saturday will be the last day,” her chin dropped as her shoulders shook slightly. “I don’t know what I’m going to do now,” she sniffed. A single tear trickled from the corner of her eye before she wiped at it and lifted her face to stare at me. “I’ve never done anything else,” she shrugged.

  “I’m sure you’ll think of something,” I murmured as I watched her. Her sadness slowly morphed to confusion as she reached for my arm.

  “What’s this?” she tugged my wrist toward her lap and that’s when I noticed what she was staring at. Crap! I usually removed them before I saw her, but in my haste to leave today I forgot. There, in the crease of my elbow was the gauze that covered where the catheter had been inserted.

  My face blanched at the thought of all my efforts to keep this from her crashing in front of me. “It’s nothing,” I pulled my arm away.

  “It doesn’t look like nothing,” her face contorted as she stared and tried to reach for me again.

  I tugged at my sleeve as I turned away from her. “I gave blood this morning,” I lied. “It’s why I’m tired,” my tone sounded annoyed, but I wasn’t. I was more scared than anything. Afraid she’d find out. Afraid that my time with her would be limited more than it already was. Afraid that if I uttered the words they would be true. I was slowly slipping away, and I wanted those precious moments with her to count, not be tainted with the knowledge that this could be it. She had enough to worry about. She didn’t need me to pile on more.

  “Oh, ok,” she shrugged as she began picking up her trash and shoving it in the bag the sandwiches had been in. “I don’t know why it was so hard to tell me that,” she grumbled to herself.

  “If you only knew,” I thought as I watched her.

  “I’m staying with Kasey now,” she slowly stood. “I’ve gotta get going so I can meet up with her. She’s helping me move my stuff,” she fidgeted as she swung the trash bag in one hand.

  “I can take that,” I reached for it and she nodded. “Thanks again for feeding me and I’m sorry I took so long.”

  “It’s ok. I’ll call next time,” she nibbled her lip.

  “I’ll call you tonight?” I stepped closer. She nodded and before she could step away, I leaned down and captured her lips in a sweet kiss. I felt bad for lying to her, and this was the only way I could make it up to her. She sighed, and I took advantage of it. I parted her lips and took a few tentative swipes with my tongue before she surrendered. Her body leaned toward mine, and I took the invitation. My arms wrapped around her middle as I slanted my head and took the kiss deeper. I was apologizing for being late. Apologizing for lying, and apologizing for all the things that I couldn’t make better in her life. I poured everything into that kiss, and I know she felt it. She had to.

  Chapter 11

  Rachel

  When Saturday finally arrived, it felt as if the entire world was resting on my shoulders. I had to drag myself out of bed, and when I made the final walk out of the garage I felt my heart break a little. Little pieces had been breaking off since I first hung the sign on my office door. ‘Going out of business’ never looked so bad. Those four little words were slowly destroying me, and I had no way to fix it.

  I stood there, alone, in the parking lot just staring up at the darkened sign. McKenzie’s Garage would soon be replaced with some franchised business. The bank owned the property, and I didn’t even want to know what they were replacing me with. Our small town was slowly losing its identity and before we knew it, we’d be just like all the other towns around us. Ryan had been calling me all day, but I’d been ignoring him and sending him straight to voicemail. I didn’t feel like talking to him, and his positivity wasn’t wanted at the moment.

  It wasn’t his fault, but every time we talked he’d tell me how this was a plan. I was never meant to keep the garage and as long as I learned something from losing it, the Universe’s plan was working. I didn’t know exactly what he meant. I didn’t believe in all that ‘there’s a plan for me’ mumbo jumbo. All I wanted to do was go somewhere quiet and wallow in my self-pity.

  “You look like shit,” Kasey grumbled from a distance as I shuffled through the door of the tiny apartment I was sharing with her.

  “Thanks,” I rolled my eyes. “Love you too.”

  “Seriously,” she stepped from behind the partition that separated the kitchen from the living space. “You need to snap out of whatever this is,” she waved her hand up and down as she scowled at me. “I know the garage meant a lot to you. I know it’s hard to let go, but you had to have seen this coming.”

  “If one more person tells me this was the plan all along, or that I need to snap out of it and deal,” I made finger quotes as I let the words fall from my lips, “I’m gonna blow up on them.”

  “Fine,” she tossed her hands in the air. “I won’t mention it again, but could you please call your boyfriend? He’s been calling here all day and driving me nuts,” she thrust the phone in my direction.

  “No,” I shook my head.

  “Why?” she crossed her arms over her chest. “Are you two fighting about something?”

  “No,” I rolled my eyes before throwing myself across the couch. I lifted my arm and draped it over my eyes as I mumbled, “he’s just too happy.”

  “He’s trying to help,” she sighed.

  “I don’t want any help,” I barked, annoyed. I was reaching my limit, and Kasey must have sensed this because she stopped and came over. I felt the couch dip under her weight and then a bottle was pushed into my hand.

  “Drink!” she narrowed her eyes at me as I lifted my elbow to peer out at her.

  “Kase,” I sighed.

  “We’re doing this tonight. You need it,” she scolded as she pressed the bottle harder against my palm.

  “Fine!” I snapped as I propped myself up, put the bottle to my lips, and took a swig. It burned as it hit the back of my throat and I couldn’t help but cough a little. “Fireball? Seriously Kase?” I shook my head as I coughed again and passed the bottle back to her.

  “Yep,” she grinned as she took a gulp, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, and passed it back to me. I shook my head and she grinned at me. “Drink!” she commanded. I closed my eyes as I repeated the motion and sputtered again. “It gets easier the more you do it,” she giggled.

  “That’s what she said,” I rolled my eyes.

  “Feel better yet?” she snickered.

  “A little,” I shrugged as I felt my chest begin to warm from the alcohol. “Give it back,” I reached for where she was holding it and laughed when she scowled.

  “This is the Rachel that I’ve been missing. Screw all the crap that’s been going on and let loose for once in your life,” she tipped her head toward where the bottle was resting on my thigh.

  “Right,” I jerked my head in a nod as I took another gulp. At this rate I wasn’t going to be walking anywhere tonight, including to bed.

  We passed the bottle between ourselves until we were so blitzed that we couldn’t really hold onto it anymore. “I think we’ve had enuffff,” Kasey giggled as her head lolled to the side. “I gotta work tomorrow, I think. What’s tomorrow?”

  “Tomorrow’s Sunday,” I wrinkled my nose as I thought about it. “Right? Yeah. Today is Saturday, and Sunday comes next,” I waved my finger in her general direction, I think. “I’m right, right?”

  “You’re always right. You’re a genius,” she pushed at my shoulder, causing me to fall to the side.

  “Hey!” I scowled. “Don’t push me. Only Ryan gets to do that.”

  “What else does he get to do?” her brows jumped with suggestion as she st
ared at me.

  I couldn’t control the laughing and my tummy fluttered as I thought about the last time he’d come to my place. “Lots of stuff.”

  “And?” she shifted to face me and tucked her feet under herself. “Don’t get all quiet on me now. Spill,” she grabbed the bottle and stared at it. It was almost empty and I think she thought if she stared at it long enough it would refill.

  “And I’m not telling you,” I pressed my lips together and leaned in trying to swipe the bottle from her hand. In the process I almost fell off the couch and my phone slipped from my pocket.

  “That’s ok,” Kasey stood and stumbled away from me before proceeding to bring my phone to life. “Let’s see,” she tapped her lip. “Ahh. Here we go.”

  “Don’t you dare,” I attempted to get to her, but fell over my own feet and sunk to the floor. “Kase! I’m warning you,” I growled.

  “What are ya gonna do?” she taunted as she pressed a few buttons and held the phone to her ear.

  “Kase!” I shouted again and she giggled as she scampered farther away from me.

  “Be quiet,” she giggled. “I’m on the phone.” She started to say something else, but he must have picked up because she got quiet as her grin grew to epic proportions. “Helllloo Loverboy,” she giggled. “It’s Kasey, Rachel’s friend. So I heard you’ve got a magic penis and I’d like…” she stopped and began laughing again. I couldn’t tell what Ryan was saying to her, but she apparently liked it because she started stomping her feet and bouncing in excitement. “That sounds more than ok. It’s 482 Oak Hollow Road, apartment 2B. Bring more Fireball, we’re almost out.” She clicked the disconnect on my phone before tossing it on the table. My mouth was gaping open in shock, and she tsked me. “You can thank me later. You’re gonna get laid tonight,” she sing-songed.