Ready for Love

by Marie Force

  She’d come to the island filled with determination to make some decisions about her future. After the first agonizing Christmas without her family, she’d returned to work as a second grade teacher, thinking that getting back to her routine would help to jumpstart her life. It hadn’t taken long to realize being around other children close in age to the two she’d lost was not at all the catharsis she’d hoped it would be.

  Rather, it was sweet torture to look at the children in her classroom and be reminded day in and day out that her own beautiful children were gone forever. So she had soldiered through to the end of the school year and stood now at a crossroads with big decisions to make. She’d already told her school she wouldn’t be back next year. The principal had urged her to take the summer, to think it over, to give herself some more time.

  But she’d seen no point in holding up a job that someone else could do much better than she could. She saw no point in returning year after year to teach children the same age her son had been when his life came to an abrupt end. While she’d always loved the job and the age group she taught, it just wasn’t possible to do it anymore. So she’d endured the party her concerned colleagues had given to wish her well and emptied her classroom for the last time.

  She would’ve left the next day for the island—the one place where she could find the peaceful calm she needed more than anything else at the moment. However, a court date for the drunk driver who’d hit them had kept her in Wellesley until late July, only to have the proceeding postponed until the fifth of September at the last minute.

  Her parents had fretted about her being alone on the island for the month of August, but she’d assured them she and Buddy would be just fine and had promised daily phone calls to check in with them. The promise had pacified them, and she’d sent them on their way to the reunion of her father’s family they’d looked forward to in Wisconsin. They were heading to California from there, completing a lifelong goal to drive cross-country. After the long dark winter that followed the accident, it was time for all of them to get back to living again.

  Sydney had given herself this month to figure out what was next. Thanks to Seth’s practicality and knack for growing money, she’d received a substantial life insurance payout after his death that, coupled with their savings, gave her a nice cushion. Maybe she’d go back to school or travel or move to a new city where no one knew her. The entire world was open to her. It was just a matter of deciding what she wanted and where she wanted to be.

  According to her counselor, making plans was a sign of recovery. Sydney wasn’t sure she wanted to hear that. How does a mother ever “recover” from losing her babies? After Max was born, someone had given her an embroidered pillow with the saying, “A child is your heart walking around outside your body.” If that wasn’t the truth! And then when Malena came along, Syd had given away what was left of her heart. Losing them wasn’t something she expected to ever “get over.”

  But life had an irritating way of marching forward, of forcing the living to get on with it even when it would be so much easier not to. For a while, after the accident, she’d entertained the darkest thoughts of her life, had flirted with the notion of ending it all, of putting a stop to the relentless pain any way she could. Only knowing that she couldn’t—and wouldn’t—do such a thing to her grief-stricken parents had kept Sydney from going too far down that tempting path.

  Turning over in bed, she took a moment to study the photo of Seth and the kids that she’d placed on the bedside table. Sometimes it was still so hard to believe they were really gone forever and not off somewhere together, due home any time now.

  She shifted her gaze to the view of the pond in the distance. Not much had changed since the summer mornings of her youth: scores of boats at anchor, activity and bustle in Gansett’s vast Salt Pond. As she had during many of those long-ago mornings, she wondered if Luke was out on the water or working on the docks at McCarthy’s Gansett Marina the way he had since he was a boy.

  Seeing him last night had brought back so many precious memories. It was no surprise to her that he was as stunningly handsome at thirty-six as he’d been at nineteen. Perpetually tanned skin, silky dark hair that fell over his forehead, soft brown eyes, lips made for kissing…

  For so many years, he’d been at the center of her life, even though she’d seen him only during the summers. Her parents hadn’t approved of the passionate love between two teenagers, so she and Luke had been forced to do a lot of sneaking around to be together.

  It pained Sydney to realize as an adult, with the hindsight of so much time gone by, that she’d allowed her parents’ views to influence hers. She’d let social status and money and things that didn’t matter in the least drive her decisions. When she thought about what she’d done to a decent, kind young man who’d deserved so much better, she was ashamed. Even all these years later, even after she’d apologized to him, she was ashamed of how she’d treated him.

  That wasn’t to say, if she had it to do all over again, she would change anything. Her decisions had led to Seth, Max and Malena, and she could never, ever be sorry about having had any of them in her life. Yes, she was sorry her decisions had caused such pain for Luke. She would always be sorry about that, but she was wise enough now to know that all the regrets in the world couldn’t change the past. All anyone had was right now. Today.

  “What shall we do with this bright and glorious day, Buddy?”

  The dog barked and then stretched on the bed.

  Sydney laughed. “I figured you’d vote for the beach.”

  Sydney drove back to the house after a few hours at her favorite hideaway beach. Buddy rode shotgun, head out the window, tongue lolling in the breeze. Before Seth had worn her down and convinced her that kids shouldn’t grow up without a dog, Sydney wouldn’t have described herself as a dog person. That, too, had changed. Sometimes she wondered how she ever would’ve survived the last fifteen months without Buddy’s loving presence.

  She’d purposely sought out a secluded stretch of beach where he could play in the surf without any of the disapproving glares they would’ve gotten at the town beach. There’d been a time, not that long ago, when she might’ve been one of the glare givers. Not anymore.

  Approaching the house, she slowed when she saw a black SUV parked in the driveway. Even in the peaceful Boston suburb where she lived the rest of the year, she would’ve had a moment of trepidation alone about a strange vehicle outside her home. But since nothing bad ever happened on Gansett Island, Sydney pulled up next to the vehicle and cut the engine.

  Her childhood friend, Maddie Chester—Maddie McCarthy now—got out of the SUV and waited for her.

  Sydney let out a squeal of pleasure at the sight of her old friend and rounded the car to hug her. “Oh! Look at you!” Syd pulled back to rest a hand on Maddie’s pregnant belly. “Oh, Maddie!” They hugged again, both with tears on their faces.

  “It’s so good to see you, Syd.”

  “You, too.” Maddie had hair and eyes the color of caramel and a figure that resembled a pinup girl. “You look so good! When are you due?”

  “Not until November, if I don’t explode before then.” She tugged on a lock of Sydney’s hair. “I love it shorter.”

  “Thanks. It’s much easier at this length.” Sydney appreciated that Maddie didn’t lead with the grief. She’d received her friend’s cards and letters, and contacting her this summer had been at the top of Syd’s to-do list. “I’m sorry I didn’t call last summer.”

  “No apologies necessary.” Maddie waved her hand. “But I heard you were back, and I had to see you. I hope it’s okay that I just showed up.”

  “Of course it is!” Sydney linked her arm through Maddie’s and led her inside. Buddy followed close on their heels. “Can I get you a drink? I’m sure I have something that’s caffeine free.”

  “Ice water would be great.”

  Sydney introduced Maddie to Buddy, fixed the water and a diet cola for herself and le
d Maddie to the back porch. “Tell me everything! I heard you married Mac McCarthy of all people—only the island’s most eligible bachelor. You devil! Do tell!”

  Maddie’s face turned bright pink the way it used to when Sydney would whisper to her about having sex with Luke on the beach. Some things, it seemed, never changed. She and Maddie had scooped ice cream together for three summers and had formed a tight bond, even though Sydney was a few years older. Before the accident, Syd had made it a point to see Maddie every summer when she brought the kids to the island to visit their grandparents.

  “I’m sure you’ve heard the story.”

  Syd smiled. “Not from you.”

  “Well, Mac had just arrived from Florida for a visit with his parents. He stepped off the curb on Main Street, and I crashed right into him on my bike.”

  “I heard you got the worst of the injuries.”

  “Ugh, I was a scabby mess for weeks. While I recovered, he took care of me and Thomas—he was just nine months then—and he’s been taking care of us ever since.”

  “So I see,” Sydney said, raising an eyebrow and nodding to Maddie’s rounded belly.

  Maddie giggled. “He’s so amazing. I’d love for you to meet him.”

  “I knew him way back when. I’d see him around the marina when I met Luke there. If I remember correctly, he was quite handsome.”

  “He’s even more so now.”

  “I thought the same about Luke when I saw him last night. Amazing how the men out here age so well.”

  Maddie’s mouth fell open. “You saw Luke? Where?”

  “Right here.” She filled Maddie in on Luke’s “visits.”

  “That’s so sweet,” Maddie said. “How he came all those times just to check on you.”

  “It was far more than I deserved after the way I left him without a word.”

  “I’m sure he understood.”

  “I don’t think he did. I apologized, but that’s hardly adequate after all these years.”

  “Will you see him again?”

  “I don’t know. I hope so. We were always such good friends before anything else. I missed him for a long time after it ended between us.”

  “As I recall, it never really ended.”

  “Not the way it should have, that’s for sure.”

  Maddie reached for Sydney’s hand. “How are you? Really? I’ve thought of you so often.”

  “I’m doing okay. Today has been a good day. Yesterday was a good day. Two weeks ago, I had a really bad day. It happens. Not as often as it used to, but still…”

  “I suppose it’s to be expected.”

  “That’s what I’m told.”

  “I hope we can spend lots of time together while you’re here. I want you to come to my house and see Mac and meet Thomas—” Maddie stopped herself, and her face flushed. “I’m sorry.”

  “For what?”

  “I shouldn’t have… You may not want to see Thomas.”

  “Oh, Maddie, of course I want to meet your son. I’d love to.”

  Maddie’s eyes filled. “I think about Max and Malena all the time. They were so beautiful and so well behaved.”

  Sydney smiled even as her throat closed at the reminder of her children. “I was proud of them.”

  “With good reason. So will you come over some time soon? Have dinner? Mac’s sister Janey is getting married at the end of the month, so it’ll be a fun time around here. I hope you’ll be part of it all.”

  “I wouldn’t want to intrude.”

  Maddie stood to go. “Don’t be ridiculous. There’re so many McCarthys, one extra person would hardly be a hardship.”

  Sydney got up to hug Maddie. “Those McCarthys are lucky to have you.”

  “We’re lucky to have each other. Call me?”

  “Promise.”

  After Maddie left, Sydney fed Buddy and prepared a pasta dinner with some grilled shrimp she’d picked up at the grocery store the day before. She made a salad, opened a bottle of white wine and sat at the kitchen table that overlooked the pond. At home, dinnertime was one of the more difficult parts of her day. It reminded her of just how alone she really was. Often she didn’t bother to cook, resorting instead to a sandwich or a can of soup. What was the point in cooking for one?

  Here on the island, removed from the daily grind of her routine, being alone didn’t feel quite the same as it did in the too-quiet house that had once teamed with activity and the shrieks of children. Sure, her children were present here, too, in the house they’d loved to visit each summer, but it was different. She could breathe here.

  Sydney cleaned up the kitchen, poured a second glass of wine and took it to the porch to watch the sun set. Long after the sky went dark and the activity on the pond stilled for the evening, long after she finished her glass of wine and the crickets began to sing, Sydney stayed on the porch, rocking back and forth as Buddy slept at her feet.

  She told herself she wasn’t waiting for Luke. He hadn’t made any promises about coming back. They’d said everything they needed to say the night before. What was left to say?

  Just as she was about to head inside, she heard the unmistakable sound of his boat scraping against the beach. A smile tugged at her lips, and her heart began to beat fast with anticipation. He’d come back.

  Chapter 3

  All day, Luke had vowed to stay away. After their conversation the night before, he had the closure he’d longed for. He had the satisfaction of her apology, of knowing she’d suffered over what she had done to him, that she hadn’t left him behind and never thought of him again while she moved forward with another man. What more was there to say?

  Apparently, a lot, he thought, laughing softly to himself as he pulled the boat onto the beach, announcing his arrival to her. Would she be waiting? When she asked him to come back, had she meant the very next night? Those were the questions that had tormented him all day as he went about his work at the marina, guiding boats, collecting payment and shooting the shit with Mac, his father, “Big Mac” McCarthy, and the other old men who hung out on the docks. Just another busy summer Sunday at McCarthy’s.

  At midday, Mac had asked him if everything was okay.

  Taken aback by the question, Luke had nodded, surprised to realize Mac had picked up on the disquiet that had overtaken him. Not that Luke was ever one to run on at the mouth, but Mac said he seemed distracted.

  That was one way of putting it. Yes, he’d been distracted by thoughts of freckles dancing across a sunburned nose, the light timbre of her voice, the laughter he’d missed so much and the feel of her hand in his, her fragile bones and pale skin such a sharp contrast to his much larger hand.

  Now, despite all his plans to the contrary, he was back for more. The thought that he could be setting himself up for an even bigger disappointment than he’d suffered before nagged at him. At the end of the month, she would leave the way she always did. She would return to her life on the mainland while he stayed behind to weather another isolated winter on the island. Since Mac had moved back to the island and started a small construction business, Luke stayed busy working with him in the off-season.

  But still…the idea of spending time with her this summer and then watching her leave again… Shaking off those unpleasant thoughts, he gathered up the gift he’d brought for her, and calling himself fifty different kinds of fool, he headed up the overgrown path that led to her yard. No matter what he might want to believe, he never had been able to stay away from her. From the moment he first saw her scooping ice cream in town, he’d been drawn to her like a moth to flame. Why should now be any different?

  Emerging from the reeds that lined the shoreline, he looked for her on the porch and was filled with relief when he saw her in the rocker, almost as if she’d been waiting for him. “Don’t go there,” he muttered. “She’s sitting where she sits every night. It’s got nothing at all to do with you.”

  “Talking to yourself?”

  Startled, he looked up to find her standin
g now and gazing down on him from the porch with mischievous laughter dancing in her eyes that soon slipped from her lips. The melodic sound stopped him dead in his tracks as hundreds of memories of long-ago moments besieged him all at once. No one had ever gotten him to laugh at himself the way she had. She’d poked and prodded and cajoled him right out of his shell.

  Luke had always been quiet and reserved, content to sit back and watch life go by rather than actively participate. Until he met Sydney. Until she forced him to participate. With her, he’d been more open, more spontaneous, more talkative than he’d been with anyone else. After she left him, he’d retreated right back into that shell, where he’d remained ever since.

  “Luke?” He snapped out of his thoughts to find her laughter had faded to concern. “Are you coming up?”

  “If you’re sure you want the company.”

  She gestured to the stairs. “I’m sure.”

  As he took the stairs to the porch, his hands felt clammy and his heart raced, the way it had all those years ago when he’d been a teenager in the throes of first love. Nothing at all had changed since then. The realization left him staggered. He still loved her as much as he ever had. Despite everything that’d happened, despite all the pain she’d caused him, he still loved her.

  “Are you all right, Luke?”

  For the second time that day, someone looked at him with concern. Apparently, he was doing a piss-poor job of hiding the fact that seeing her again had rocked his world.

  Rather than try to explain his odd behavior, he withdrew the gift from behind his back. “For you.”

  Her eyes lit up with surprise and delight. “You brought me something?”

  “Don’t get too excited,” he said, suddenly wishing he’d brought her a real gift rather than the dead starfish she unwrapped with reverence.

  “Oh, Luke. You remembered.” She ran a finger over the starfish. “I always loved them.”