Linda Goodman's Sun Signs

by Linda Goodman

  You’ll never know quite what to expect from day to day. This is a child who may not want to stay indoors when it rains. He’ll be out with your best sterling silver tablespoon, digging a drain so the hill in back of the house won’t wash away.

  Remember the old verse you heard as a child that went, “The bear went over the mountain—the bear went over the mountain—the bear went over the mountain—to see what he could see. The other side of the mountain—the other side of the mountain—the other side of the mountain—was all that he could see.” Your Aquarius youngster will have better luck. He’ll find something there. Maybe it will be a pot of gold or just a new species of woodpecker, but none of his exploratory journeys will ever result in a dead end or a total loss.

  I skipped over the infant stage because these children are never infants. They are born middle-aged. However, many of them do go through the toddler stage, and during that precarious period you might be wise to consider buying a seeing-eye dog. Keep the dog until your little Uranian is at least ten. He may have trouble navigating the block without an incident. Off on his own private cloud, he’ll lope down the street in a fog, and ram right into a telephone pole or a mailbox. Aquarian absentmindedness brings on twisted ankles, broken bones and the wrath of teachers. You may be torn between pride, when the school reports he or she is a budding genius—and shame, when you receive a note saying, “Oliver simply won’t pay attention in class. He stares out the window all day and plays with his two-way wrist watch.” Or “Gertrude refuses to concentrate. Instead of studying, she just sits there and flexes her arches in those silly ballet slippers.” A lecture to Oliver and Gertrude will result in a shrug of bored impatience. What’s all the fuss about? He was trying to figure the effect of the summer solstice on Greenwich Mean Time, and she was wondering what makes a worm turn into a butterfly. To their minds, that’s perfectly logical. Gee! What a square school. Granted, they are on the right track. But this may not be the century to prove it.

  Teachers often complain that the Aquarian child refuses to explain, step by step, how he arrived at his remarkable answer to a complicated math problem before she finished writing it on the blackboard. There’s a good, sensible reason. His Uranian intuition, that works by some kind of unseen radio waves, forced his mind through those steps so quickly, he just can’t remember. Almost all Aquarian children were behind the delivery-room door when memory was passed out. Forgetting their address is frequent, forgetting their last name is uncomfortably possible, and forgetting what time to come home is par-for-the-course. Your brilliant—and he most likely is—Uranus youngster must be taught that his aim should encompass more than being a human computer. He needs to learn the importance of organizing his thoughts in logical order. Otherwise, a potential genius, philosopher, engineer, scientist, doctor, lawyer—gardener or cab driver (the last two if you’re lucky) can turn into an eccentric adult, headed in several directions at once, and end up going around in interesting, but not very profitable, circles.

  Encourage him to participate in physical activity or a harmful inertia can take over, and he’ll daydream the hours away. It often takes an emergency to spur Aquarian children to physical action, though they can have a great love for sports. Mentally, they’re speed demons. But the body may be a bit slower, at least around the house. They may have an empathy for birds, trees, nature and the seashore. They’ll always prefer their own, independent discovery to organized activity. You’ll have to watch for a tendency to say “I can’t” to rationalize the urge to avoid responsibility. The Aquarian child may take the path of least resistance, if you let him. Teach him that he’s only fooling himself. Let him make his own decisions, but encourage him to act on them.

  Unspoken tension can deeply disturb him. These youngsters can almost see into the souls of others, and hear thoughts which haven’t even been audibly expressed, which can disturb them and leave lasting feelings of unhappiness. Better encourage tranquility and harmony, concentration and memory, if you don’t want an eccentric, nervous, absentminded bachelor or spinster with unfulfilled dreams on your hands in thirty years or so.

  Be careful what you say and how you say it with Aquarian youngsters. Suggestions planted in these fertile, remarkably acute Uranian minds in childhood, can take firm root and form fixed adult opinions. Undue emphasis on clean hands, repeated warnings, ‘Don’t drink out of my glass, it’s dirty,” can cause the Aquarian youngster to grow up with exaggerated fears and carry his own goblet in his pocket when he goes visiting. Being so accident prone, you can imagine what will happen if he sits down suddenly with that goblet there. And he does do almost everything suddenly.

  Aquarian boys and girls have multitudes of friends. They make at least ten new ones per day, from the street cleaner to the truant officer and the ex-parachutist who runs the candy store. He might even bring home a little friend named Rockefeller for lunch someday, too, but don’t let it shake you. You’re not raising a social snob. He won’t know him from the dog catcher. He’s just another “pal.”

  Adolescent problems of romance may never bother you. In fact, the Aquarian child may have to be reminded which sex is which. Few of these youngsters are boy crazy or girl crazy. Just plain crazy is more of a possibility, especially when they start wearing those weird clothes and parting their hair in such an odd way. This may be about the time his hidden love of poetry emerges, which should be encouraged. Your little Uranian has frogs in his pockets and stars in his eyes, but he’s very special. He’s a humanitarian. He loves people. Do you know how rare that is? As society moves into the Aquarian age, his unprejudiced wisdom is leading us. Aquarian boys and girls have been chosen by destiny to fulfill the promise of tomorrow—frogs and stars, pickle sandwiches and all. Just nickname him the “Twentieth Century Wonder,” and let the neighbors guess why.

  The AQUARIUS Boss

  “What sort of things do you remember best?”

  Alice ventured to ask.

  “Oh, things that happened

  the week after next.”

  First of all, check again. Are you sure her birthday is late January or early February? Are you absolutely positive your boss is an Aquarian? Uranus-ruled executives are as rare as albino pandas. If you have one for a boss, you can’t very well sell her to a zoo, but consider her a collector’s item, anyway. Someday, she may be extremely valuable.

  Seriously, the typical Aquarian would just about prefer starvation to the usual nine-to-five office routine. Most Aquarians dislike making decisions, they are uncomfortable giving orders, they have no particular desire to direct others and they’re totally incompatible with stuffy board meetings, let alone stuffy vice presidents. This doesn’t mean Aquarians are not competent bosses. Uranus is full of surprises, and the totally unqualified Aquarian boss who turns out to be absolutely indispensable is one of them.

  When an occasional Aquarian wanders into an executive position, burdened by all the above negative qualifications, she simply pulls a couple of new tricks out of her bag. She may be absentminded and forgetful, eccentric and unpredictable, by turns shy and then bold, but she also has a mind like a bear trap hidden behind those strange, vague eyes and that detached, distant attitude. Add to that a highly tuned, perceptive intuitiveness which makes you think she has a crystal ball tucked in a pocket. Throw in her uncanny ability to analyze, dissect and weigh the facts with insight as keen as a razor blade—and for good measure—her sure instinct in making a warm friend of everyone from the water delivery man to the firm’s biggest customer. Back it up with the broad, liberal Uranus philosophy which sees miles into tomorrow, and catches the big picture in all its scope while others are floundering over details—and you see what I mean by surprises. Unfitted as the average Aquarian is for an executive role, she tosses off the job as casually as if she had been born to it, which he definitely was not.

  There’s the other side of the coin, too. She may possibly refer to you as “My assistant, Miss … ah … ah … Miss … uh … what was your name again?”
She can be maddening when she plans complicated programs behind your back and springs them on you at the last minute. And I’m sure you’ve chafed under her frustrating habit of giving you a completely new and unexpected job to do, blithely neglecting to explain the reason behind the change. But confess now, under it all she really is rather a lovable dear, isn’t she? Most Aquarians are, once you get used to their peculiar ways, sudden changes and unexpected surprises. Also, I might add, their fixed opinions when they’ve made up their mind.

  If I were you, I wouldn’t try to borrow money from an Aquarian boss. If she’s a typical Aquarian, she doesn’t approve of people living beyond their income. Some Aquarians, of course, live in comfortable luxurious surroundings—but most of them are quite capable of living in one shabby room, while they spend twenty hours a day promoting better housing for the poor. She won’t be impulsive about giving raises, but then, she won’t be stingy either. You’ll get just about what you deserve with your Aquarian boss. No more and no less. She can be most generous when she thinks someone has done a top job beyond the call of duty. Make no mistake. She’ll expect your best—your very best. Anything less brings the danger of being politely and kindly, but firmly dropped. Kerplunk—like that. An Aquarian has no use for people who goof off or give half a day’s work for a full day’s pay. To her, that’s a form of dishonesty, and she hates dishonesty in approximately the same degree that a cat hates the water.

  When it comes to your personal life, the Aquarian boss hasn’t the slightest desire either to judge you or advise you. She does have a desire to know about it, however, and you may find it hard to escape that probing Uranus curiosity when it comes to your private affairs. But you can tell her anything at all without worrying that she’ll be shocked. Nothing shocks her. She’s the best student of human nature in the zodiac, and she’ll never look down on you (anymore than she’ll look up to you). Both your vices and your virtues blend into an interesting and colorful pattern, as far as she’s concerned. She takes it all in stride, and it doesn’t make a ripple in her opinion of you. The town drunk and the silly, giggling teenager are as much her friends and as close to her as the president of the local university and the state senator. You’ll find literally no prejudice or discrimination if she’s a true Aquarian. In other words, you’re in danger of being fired if she catches you stealing stamps or hiding an unfinished report in your desk—but if she discovers you’re a bigamist, that your father served two terms in prison, your son smokes pot or your wife practices yoga on the back porch in her birthday suit, she’ll just shrug, figure it’s your life and probably defend you to your critics. The Aquarian boss won’t be bothered one whit if you’re a conservative politically and you paste a picture of George Bush next to her painting of Franklin Roosevelt. She won’t bat an eye at the news that you had to be poured into a taxi after the last office party. Just don’t cheat her, lie to her or—heaven forbid—break your word to her. Promises and ethics and such are where she falls into the narrow-minded category.

  Unlike the Aries or Leo boss, she won’t exert energy trying to convince you that you’re making a mistake in voting for that man, dating that girl or wearing that color tie. And, unlike the Cancer, Capricorn or Libra boss, she won’t hint and use persuasive strategy to change your viewpoint. Live your life the way you choose and more power to you for being an individualist is her creed. On the other hand, don’t ever attempt to dictate her personal code to him, either. She won’t show any anger, or probably even feel any. She may even smile and nod thoughtfully, with that faraway look in her eyes, but you might as well talk to the wall. She’ll listen to almost anybody. Listen. That’s all.

  Although she forms her own code of ethics and keeps her own counsel in relation to her personal and private life, business decisions are another matter. She’s very likely, if she’s like the average Uranian man, to request everyone’s opinion on projected procedures—and sometimes even ask a subordinate to make the final decision. There’s a method to this madness, and it’s not the same as with the indecisive Libran. Aquarius isn’t passing the buck. She enjoys sitting back with an I-told-you-so look when the decision you made (against his acutely accurate intuition) falls as flat as a pancake—to teach you a lesson. You do have to watch that. Aquarian bosses are usually willing to give you all the rope you need to hang yourself with and another several yards besides, if you ask for it. You’re lucky if she explains even once just exactly why she thinks you’re on the wrong track. When she’s done that—which is unusual enough—she won’t explain a second time. You take it from there. Catch it clearly the first time or you’ll get some confusing double-talk to remind you to pay attention to what she says.

  She expects you to be able to wiggle your antennae and pick up anything you’ve missed out of the atmosphere. She doesn’t realize that other people don’t have his Uranian gift for absorbing information from three people talking all at once, while she peels an orange, dials a phone number and shuffles through a stack of inter-office memos.

  Don’t get too set in your ways around an Aquarian executive. You’re liable to walk in some morning and find your office has been moved to another floor and she forgot to tell you. There’s always change in the air around this sign. You may have the unsettling experience of having her sweep down unexpectedly one day with a big, warm, friendly grin and throw your entire system out the window—the system the office has been using since the Civil War. In its place she’ll substitute a new method, faster and less cluttered with detail. You say you can’t adjust that quickly? You need at least six months to make the change and the new system is Greek to you at this point? She can’t understand that. It’s perfectly clear to her. Don’t worry, you’ll catch on. She’ll wait. She’s patient.

  And that she is. The normal Uranus-ruled mind may be full of nervous curiosity just beneath the surface, but generally the Aquarian takes it fairly easy, and projects an image of calm and thoughtful deliberation. You’ll notice I said generally. Of course, there was the time she actually ran out of the office to catch those six fire trucks, the turtle race she staged on his carpet with real turtles, and the day she had those miniature TV sets delivered to each desk during the World Series. And of course there was that morning she took over the assistant responsibilities, just to see what it was like, mixed up some of the calls, accidentally got a big TV network veep on a crossed wire and sold him a half a million dollar deal—then forgot the man’s name when he came in to sign the contract. But normally she’s placid and controlled. So she’s a little eccentric now and then: she has the water cooler moved once a month so you can’t find it, and she likes to change your day off with no notice. What are a few minor annoyances like that when you work for a boss who’s sincerely fascinated by that book you’re writing on Kansas City jazz? And how can you stay mad at a boss who doesn’t mind if the accountant listens to his music while working, her assistant has a nose-ring, or the new filing clerk parks his bicycle in the reception area?

  She may spend one day talking your ear off, and the next week secluded inside her office, ignoring staff, customers and suppliers, deep in lonely thought. She’s resting her soul, and those periods of retreat are necessary. Regardless of how recently you joined the firm, she’ll consider you her friend. She’s even good friends with the competition. No matter what it says on your company letterhead, the real business of your Aquarian boss is friendship. Somebody discussing today’s corporate conformity recently said, “Give me back the good, old-time individualist executive with the gravy spots on his tie, who got things done without calling a committee meeting for every little snag.” This poor person was undoubtedly undergoing a rush of nostalgia for an Aquarian boss he had many years ago.

  Those of you who work for a Uranian probably don’t have the common problem of the boss’s husband dropping in unexpectedly while things are a mess and the painters are tearing the reception room apart. He’s lucky if he knows where she works, let alone has permission to drop in on him. Aquarians don’
t confide every little office activity to their spouses. I used to live next door to the February-born executive of a research firm, who once didn’t get around to telling his wife he had to fly to Europe on business until after he had arrived there.

  Funny how you kept remembering all the idiosyncrasies of your own Aquarian executive last week while you watched him get the Executive of the Year award from the mayor at that big formal banquet. You had just decided that, regardless of her unpredictable ways and quirky habits, she was actually one of the most distinguished bosses a person could have. Then you happened to look down under the table—and there were her feet tapping the rug impatiently, clad in a pair of respectable pumps, only one was black and the other was dark brown.

  The AQUARIUS Employee

  Twinkle, twinkle, little bat!

  How I wonder what you’re at!

  Up above the world you fly,

  Like a tea-tray in the sky.

  You shouldn’t have any trouble spotting your Aquarian employee. He’s the one with all the friends. You know, the one who forgot his briefcase this morning—the same man who casually dropped in your office last month to borrow your fountain pen and left behind a production idea which has saved your company $30,000 in overtime so far, according to the latest check by the auditor.

  It should also be a snap to remember the day you hired him. He’s that fellow you thought came in to sell you a box at Yankee Stadium—then you decided he was soliciting funds for Shakespeare-in-the-Park, finally figured he was taking one of those political polls—and didn’t realize until after he left that he had actually stopped by to apply for a job. If you don’t remember him, it’s five-to-one your secretary does. Aquarius men seem to make an instant and lasting impression on women, even those who look like neglected, underfed puppy dogs with figures loosely resembling Ichabod Crane’s. Some people might jump to the hasty conclusion this is the mother-instinct, but they would be wrong. The real Uranus attraction for females is the Aquarian’s absolute indifference to their existence. It drives them to distraction. He’s a challenge they can’t resist—so they either retaliate by trying to vamp him or by snubbing him back, neither of which makes the slightest impression on your Aquarian employee. He can be totally blind to a female coworker for weeks, literally not seeing her, then one fine spring morning suddenly startle her with the information that her eyes are the exact shade of a robin’s egg he once found in a tree, and she’s gone. I mean, completely lost. She may get a lick of work done the rest of the day.