Where My Heart Breaks

by Ivy Sinclair

  “Don’t worry,” he said, putting his hand on the small of my back and guiding me across the road. “Everyone is cool. Just have a drink and relax.”

  Drinking and relaxing didn’t mesh in my world. Determined to prove to myself that I could handle it, I nodded to Sam and then let him escort me inside the bar. If the music was loud outside the bar, inside it was practically deafening. I knew the song though. It was a familiar 80s metal song and almost everyone I could see was singing along. No one was paying attention to the door, which made me feel slightly better. I wanted to blend in, not stand out.

  Given the wall to wall mishmash of people, I thought the entire town of Bleckerville might be squeezed inside the bar. Sam pointed in the direction of the pool tables, which I took to mean that was where we’d find his friends. I bobbed my head to let him know that I understood. When he brushed past me and scooped up my hand, I was surprised. Then he tugged at it and cocked his head toward the pool tables again. There was no way that I was going to make a dent in the sea of human bodies ahead of us, so I let Sam lead the way.

  He expertly opened a path in front of me, and I followed quickly in his wake. His hand in mine made sure that I didn’t lose him even though every time he moved through a set of people, the opening immediately began to close behind him. It seemed like it took forever for us to cross the fifteen feet from the front door, but then we suddenly emerged into a small open area on the far side of the pool tables and I saw a flurry of hands motioning in our direction.

  He shook hands with two guys perched on bar stools against the wall. One of them was short and stocky with thinning brown hair. The other had his arm around an attractive brunette with a pixie haircut who stood between his legs swaying in time with the music. I took an educated guess assuming that must be Peter and Casey, which meant that the other guy was Leon. Sam leaned forward and said something in Casey’s ear, and then the woman’s eyes turned toward me and a wide smile crossed her face. She hit her husband’s shoulder and pushed forward toward me.

  “Hi! I’m Casey,” she said. I barely heard her over the music.

  “Kate,” I replied, trying my best not to yell in her ear.

  “Peter,” she yelled back, pointing at the guy who had his arm around her waist a second ago. The guy with the thinning hair raised his beer bottle in my direction when she pointed at him. “Leon.”

  I waved to both guys and then Casey grabbed my wrist. “Dance with me! These guys won’t leave their stools, and I can’t stand not being on the dance floor.”

  This was my kind of girl. Her energy reminded me vaguely of Millie. I looked back at Sam who shrugged. He leaned down so that I could hear him. “I’ll get you a drink. What do you want?”

  “A beer is fine,” I yelled back.

  Casey tugged at my arm, and I willingly allowed her to drag me out onto the dance floor. It seemed impossible, but it was even more crowded on the dance floor, but here at least I was in my element. Before we even reached the center, my body already found the tempo and was moving on its own accord. Somehow, despite her size, Casey managed to maneuver us right up in front of the stage. My feet moved along with my hips and my hands went up in the air. Sam was right. The band was fantastic and soon I completely lost myself in the rhythm and the beat.

  Casey and I danced for three songs before the music stopped and I looked up and realized that the band was going on break.

  “I was just getting into it,” I said to Casey with a pout. My voice sounded louder than usual, but it was likely because my ears were ringing.

  “Where has Sam been hiding you? I get stuck against the back wall every Saturday night. I love to dance.”

  I followed her off to the side as we waited patiently for the dance floor to clear. “He hasn’t been hiding me anywhere. I’ve only been in town a week,” I said. I was uncomfortable at her insinuation that there was something else going on between me and Sam, so I felt it necessary to clear the air right away. “I work with him out at the Willoughby.”

  “It’s been forever since he’s brought someone out. He’s just the nicest guy, don’t you think?” Casey said with a wink.

  I wasn’t dumb. I was being set-up. I also had a feeling that no matter what I said, Sam’s friends were going to believe that we were there on a date. I opened my mouth to say that, but then closed it. There were worse things than having people think I was out with a cute guy. A cute guy who even seemed to like me despite what he might have heard about me.

  “Sam does seem like a nice guy.” That seemed like the safest thing she said to agree with.

  By that time, we had arrived back at the small space claimed by the guys. Sam’s face lit up when he saw me. He held up a bottle of beer. I took it and stared at it. Not one drop of liquor had crossed my lips in six months. Was it the liquor’s fault that I acted like an idiot whenever I drank it? Based on past experience, it wasn’t likely I’d have just one beer either. I’d have too many to count.

  My mother seemed to believe that the alcohol was the trigger for my behavior last fall, but I wasn’t so sure. In my mind, it all started and ended with Trevor, but I felt conflicted. My rational side said that as long as I controlled how much I drank, I should be able to control my behavior. It seemed reasonable to me, and I really wanted to have a drink. It was time to step outside my comfort zone. I’d never know if I didn’t try.

  I raised the bottle to my lips, the two sides of my brain warring with each other. When it disappeared from my hand just as I tipped it toward my lips, I jumped. Then I turned and looked up into Reed’s emerald green eyes. He put a glass into my hand.

  “You looked thirsty working up a sweat out there. I thought you might like a soda,” he said.

  My heart started to beat so fast against my chest that I was sure he could hear it despite all the people around us. Tonight he wore a black V-neck shirt and jeans. It should be illegal to look that good. My cheeks flamed as I thought again about his lips on mine and how that made me feel, and then his inevitable rejection.

  “Hey, I just bought that for her,” said a voice behind me.

  I had forgotten about Sam.

  “Kate doesn’t drink,” Reed said over my shoulder.

  I felt Sam’s presence behind me. Just like that, I was sandwiched between them. “If Kate didn’t drink, she wouldn’t have asked me for a beer.”

  Oh, this was going south quickly unless I did something to stop it. I put up my hand. “He’s right, Reed. I never told you I didn’t drink.”

  We had watchers now. It felt as if every eye on the bar was looking at us. “May I have a word, Kate?” Reed felt the eyes too. The gawkers. The small town busy bodies all up in everyone else’s business. We’d be the talk of the town if this dissolved into a pissing match between Reed and Sam, which I guessed would make it to Patrice’s ears before I even set foot back at the Willoughby. I couldn’t let something happen that would guarantee an outraged call from Patrice to my parents. The worst part was that I didn’t even understand why Reed cared.

  “No,” I shook my head. “Give me back my beer.” I put the soda glass on the small table top off to my right and stuck out my hand.

  “You heard her,” Sam said threateningly.

  Reed’s shoulders stiffened. He glared over my shoulder, and then his gaze settled on me. I shivered but I didn’t back down. “Please,” I added.

  Reed slapped the bottle back into the palm of my hand. He leaned in close, and I caught a whiff of his cologne and it almost made me swoon. I wanted to wrap my hands around his neck and sink my nose into the collar of his shirt. But of course I didn’t.

  “I hope you know what you are doing.” Then he turned and pushed his way through the onlookers gathered around us.

  I took a deep breath and shuddered. The intensity of Reed’s presence was enough to knock any girl on her ass. I felt Sam’s hand on my arm, and I was forced to look at him.

  “What was his problem?”

  I sighed. “He’s a friend of mine.�
�

  I saw that Peter and Leon both scoffed.

  “Reed Black? Friends with a woman? Not a chance,” Sam said. “I don’t mean to be crude, but that guy’s just looking to get you in the sack.”

  If Sam only knew that I was the one who wanted to get Reed in the sack, not the other way around. Sam and Peter started talking about some other guy they knew who liked putting notches in his bedpost. I stared at the beer in my hand. Then I saw Casey watching me with an unreadable expression on her face. She looked at Sam and then she looked at me.

  Casey sidled over to me. She checked to make sure that the guys weren’t listening.

  “So you were the one with Reed the other night.”

  “What?” I decided it was best to play dumb.

  “My friend Beth said she saw Reed take off with some girl the other night from Java Joe’s after it closed. That was you, wasn’t it?”

  I had two options. I could lie completely, or I could tell some semblance of the truth. I decided to choose the latter. “He’s helping me with some research that my aunt asked me to do on the Willoughby. That’s all.”

  “You know about Reed, right?” Casey seemed concerned.

  “He’s not my type if that’s what you’re getting at,” I said with a fake smile.

  “Good,” Casey said with a small smile. “I mean, Reed’s hot and all, but no woman has ever been able to pin him down. He doesn’t seem interested in relationships at all. Not like Sam. He’s the best, and he seems to really like you. I’d hate to see his feelings get hurt.”

  It was a tiny little warning, but it rang in my ears. No matter what I did, everyone around me said Reed was bad for me. Including Reed. It was time that I started using my head and listened. If I wanted to date a guy this summer, I needed to date a guy like Sam. I looked over Casey’s shoulder.

  Sam was laughing and jabbed Peter in the ribs. He was funny, charming, and thoughtful. He was good-looking in a fresh faced innocent kind of way. Then, as if he felt my eyes, he looked over at me and smiled. He did seem to like me. I forced that part of me that cried out for Reed deep down inside of me. That was over before it even started, and it was time to move on.

  I held my beer in a toast to Sam, who raised his in unison. Then I took a deep swallow. As the cool, slightly bitter liquid ran down the back of my throat, I wondered what other trouble I could possibly get into that night. It felt as if I were overdue.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  It wasn’t the beer that got me. It was the shots of something disgusting that burned going down while simultaneously setting my brain on fire.

  “Hot damn!” I slammed the shot glass upside down on the table with a grimace and wiped my lips with the back of my hand. “What the hell was that shit?”

  I was pretty sure Casey’s expression mirrored my own as she pulled her lips into a tight grimace and stuck out her tongue. “Battery acid. Definitely battery acid.”

  I waggled a finger under Sam’s nose. “You guys aren’t allowed to pick out the shots anymore.” It didn’t escape my notice that my words were slightly slurred.

  Sam laughed. “You’re buzzed.”

  I frowned. “Am not.” Technically I thought that was correct. It was simply that I hadn’t had a drink in six months, and I forgot to eat dinner. My thoughts had fuzzy edges, and I felt like I was inside a fish bowl looking out at everyone. That’s when it hit me that I was beyond buzzed. A tiny, almost intelligible voice in the back of my head babbled that I needed to stop. Or slow down. Or haul my ass back to the Willoughby before I did something really stupid.

  Sam threw an easy arm around my shoulders. “Aren’t you glad you came out? I know this is ten times better than holing up in your room on a Saturday night.”

  I wasn’t so sure about that. After the confrontation with Reed, I couldn’t help but track his curly dark haired head as he made his rounds of the bar. I was out with some cool people, and yet the only person I wanted to be with was Reed. It was maddening. An hour ago, when I noticed the same blond that I saw the week before appear next to Reed and begin whispering in his ear, I broke down and agreed to do shots with Sam’s friends. Sam abstained saying he was sober cab.

  His unselfish good deed wanting to make sure I got back to the Willoughby safe and sound made me feel even worse that I couldn’t rip my eyes off Reed. Which led me straight into my second shot.

  Watching Reed. Blond bimbo hanging all over him. Seeing them laugh and carry on as if they couldn’t get enough of each other. Down a shot.

  Looking at Sam. He was thoughtful and kind. Obviously he was awesome, but apparently not awesome enough for my stupid psyche. Down a shot.

  It was a vicious cycle.

  At least if I had stayed holed up in my room, I wouldn’t have been guaranteed a hangover in the morning.

  It was as if the universe decided to mess with me then because the music slowed and an exodus of people left the dance floor with the exception of couples who immediately cozied up closer to each other.

  “Finally!” Casey exclaimed as she grabbed Peter’s arm. “You promised me one dance. Even you can’t embarrass me when it’s a slow dance.”

  “You’d be surprised,” Sam whispered with a chuckle in my ear.

  We watched Casey drag Peter reluctantly out onto the dance floor. I searched for Reed’s dark hair and felt my stomach drop. There he was on the edge of the dance floor with the blond bimbo. Although they weren’t dancing, she swayed against him suggestively, and he didn’t appear to be rushing to push her away. As far as I was concerned, they didn’t need to be on the dance floor. It seemed clear to me in my semi-drunken haze that Reed would be going home with Blond Bimbo, as I had officially christened her, and continue his long standing tradition of sleeping with women but not dating them.

  “So I’ve got next to no rhythm, but I know I’ve got more Fred Astaire in me than Peter does,” Sam said. “Would you like to dance?”

  The alcohol had its desired effect on my senses, drowning out the waves of jealousy that made my body vibrate every time I looked in Reed’s direction. “I’d love to,” I said with a bright smile.

  It made me feel bad to see Sam’s delighted smile. I let him guide me out onto the dance floor, and I purposely didn’t look in Reed’s direction. Reed could go to hell.

  I reached up and put my hands on Sam’s shoulders as his hands slid down to my waist. There was less than an inch separating us, not nearly enough room for two people who weren’t on a date. We moved with the music for a few moments without saying anything.

  “You aren’t as bad at this as you think,” I said. It felt necessary to break the awkward silence between us.

  “Thanks. So I hope you don’t mind me asking a personal question. What’s the deal with you and Reed Black?”

  Playing dumb was always the best line of defense in my book. “Huh?” I blamed the liquor for robbing me of any semblance of a witty reply. Sam’s eyes grew serious, and I cursed my inability to keep my wits about me.

  “I’m not going to beat around the bush. I think you’re cool and fun to hang out with,” Sam said. I felt his hands tightening on my hips. “I’d like to take you out on a real date. But I’m not stupid. You’re beautiful, and girls like you are out of my league. There’s something about Reed Black that makes girls go ga-ga. I don’t get it, but I’m not interested in competing with it.”

  “I’m not ga-ga for Reed Black.” Of course, I was lying through my teeth. “He’s like some local expert on Where My Heart Breaks. I told my aunt I’d ramp up on the book since I never read it. That’s all there is to it. Friendly research.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I’ve been here a week, and I already know that Reed Black doesn’t date. He screws girls and then looks for the next one.” The words came out more venomous than I intended, considering Reed spared me that fate for some unknown, bullshit reason. “It doesn’t take a genius to see that drama seems to follow Reed around, and I do not need any more drama in my
life.” That, at least, was the truth.

  “That’s funny then.”

  “What?” I was starting to feel the full effects of two beers and far too many shots. My emotions were a confusing muddle that I didn’t want to deal with at the moment. Sam was so sincere that I couldn’t help but feel a little warm and fuzzy. Every girl liked feeling special and appreciated by a good-looking guy. Was I going to be a jerk and turn down Sam even though Reed had made it abundantly clear that he had no interest in me romantically?

  “I’m expecting him to walk over here any minute and deck me,” Sam said.

  I swung my head around and sure enough, Reed glared in our direction with a look that could kill. That pissed me off. Who did he think he was?

  “Ignore him. He’s got a big brother complex going on, and he’s just annoyed that I wouldn’t listen to him earlier.” It was a plausible excuse and I was proud of myself for coming up with it.

  “So you aren’t lusting after Reed Black?”

  I heard the doubt in Sam’s voice. “I am not lusting after Reed Black.” How I even managed to pull off saying that with a straight face was beyond me.

  A look of relief flitted across Sam’s face. “How about that date then?”

  I was going to say yes, but something held me back. The word was on the tip of my tongue, but it didn’t come out. Because as badly as I wanted to leverage the hell out of the situation with Sam to rub it in Reed’s face that another guy wanted me, I couldn’t do that to Sam. That wouldn’t be fair to him.

  A slow realization came on the heels of that thought. Yes, I was drunk, but yet my logic was not completely gone. The old Kate would have already been making out with Sam by now with little regard for the consequences of those actions. The old Kate probably would even sleep with Sam just to make herself feel better about Reed’s rejection. The old Kate wouldn’t give a shit about anyone’s feelings because the old Kate only cared about fun and living in the moment, which was the sad life that Trevor taught her so well.