Entangled in Darkness

by Lindsey Webster

  Chapter 1

  When I was eighteen, I moved out of my parents’ white picket fence house and into an apartment near the university with my best friend. The city was Cedar Ridge and it lay amongst the coniferous mountains of western Canada. It was filled with evergreens, maples, willow trees, and numerous other lush plant life. There was a large park near my parents’ house and it was just like wilderness. It had a cliff where you could watch the stars shine over the lights of downtown and a lake buried amongst the trees as if waiting to be discovered. Beyond the park on the hillside were streets filled with quiet houses where children grew up and felt safe swinging on tires and playing Tarzan atop tree houses in their backyards.

  Cedar Ridge was a medium-sized city that neighboured a larger urban city on one side and a few smaller cities, suburbs and rural areas on all other sides. There was one university and a few colleges, a hospital and numerous shopping centres. It had almost everything you would need for everyday tasks and if there was anything you couldn’t get there, you’d just drive into the big city. However, I preferred just staying in Cedar Ridge where things were familiar, where I could look North, East, West, or South and see towering mountains in the distance.

  I was enrolled in the university and starting my first semester that fall. I was fresh out of high school and at the time, I felt like I was on the verge of something great. I was an adult now and I planned to get my undergraduate degree, though I wasn’t sure what my major would be, and then I would go to graduate school and get my master’s degree and later my PhD. This had been my plan all throughout high school as I strove to get the highest grades. I also spent much of my grade twelve year tutoring the other students and succeeding in numerous extracurricular activities such as the student body, the yearbook, and leadership. I didn’t have a lot of friends and had only been on a small number of semi-successful dates, but that didn’t matter to me at the time. I did have a best friend, Lexie, who kept me safe and sane throughout high school.

  I remember the day that I left home. It was a few days before fall semester started. It was the day I was getting out of that house and things were finally going to be better. I was an adult. I was free.

  "My girl’s all grown up," my mom said. She smiled and stepped through the door with a large box overweighing her petite frame. Her eyes were glassy with tears that hadn’t fallen yet. "Where do I put this box, sweetheart?" Her voice grunted a little and her forehead glistened with sweat.

  "In my bedroom. I’m taking the room to the far left," I said. I looked around the three-bedroom apartment with its off-white walls and cracking paint on the windowsills and saw freedom.

  "I hate this Annalyn," my sister, Janey, said. She walked through the door carrying a box with ‘textbooks’ written in bold letters across it. She was a thin twelve year old and her five-foot body was stumbling underneath the box. She kept blowing the strands of her long hair out of her mouth and eyes. I told her earlier that day that she should put her hair in a ponytail but her light-brown waves were her pride and she never tied them back.

  "Hey, careful. You almost knocked over those boxes by the door," I said in a high-pitched voice. She frowned with piercing eyes and I relaxed a little. "I hate moving boxes too. But dad will be here with the last load soon."

  Janey glanced at me, her head lowered and her eyes glossy. I didn’t have to bother asking her what was wrong. I knew.

  "I don’t see why you have to move out," Janey said.

  "When you’re eighteen and starting university for the first time, you’ll understand," I said.

  "I just don’t see the appeal. I mean you’re not even living alone. And now you’ve gotta worry about rent and bills. Do ya really want to spend all your money on those things? I swear in a month you’ll be begging to come home," Janey said.

  "I won’t be. And what do you know about rent and bills?" I said as I pulled her into a half hug and squeezed her with my arm.

  "I watch TV and I have commonsense."

  "Janey is right about that, Annalyn. If you’re ever strapped for cash, do give your father and me a call," Mom said. She walked passed us and out the door to get another box.

  "Thanks mom," I said with a smile.

  "Seriously, you’re gonna be so far away. I’m never gonna see you," Janey said.

  I looked into her glossed-over eyes and remembered how I helped mom take care of her when she was a baby. When she was a little older, I pushed her on the tire swing. I sat on her bed and braided her hair, sometimes doing French braids if it was a special occasion. Recently, I taught her how to wear makeup so she’d look nice and not cheap or childish like some of the girls in her grade seven class that wore such bright colours.

  "It’s not that far. It’s only a twenty minute drive. Maybe thirty in rush hour," I said.

  "That’s a lot," Janey said. "I have to take the bus, ya know."

  "Well then you should tell the university to move their campus closer to us," I said with a laugh. She stuck her nose in the air and turned around.

  There was a silence for a few minutes as we both went back to moving boxes. I avoided her eyes. I knew she was hurt but she didn’t understand that I needed to get out of there. I needed to leave the fighting behind. I needed to get out, grow up, and make something of myself. I felt proud that day. I felt a sense of adventure and importance. Maybe I wasn’t important yet. But I was going to be, I told myself. One day, I would have my PhD and I would be somebody important. Maybe I would be a psychologist that did important research. Maybe I’d be a criminologist that worked on understanding crime. Maybe I’d come up with theories that people would remember.

  Janey moved another box into my bedroom and I decided it was time to break the silence. I followed her into my room and shut the door.

  "I’m going to miss you," I said with a couple tears in my eyes. "I don’t want to leave you behind. But this is something I have to do. I can’t stay there anymore. I can’t take the fighting anymore. I can’t take Dad anymore. I need to get out."

  "It’s not that bad," Janey said in a low voice. She stared at the floor and twisted a strand of her hair amongst her fingers.

  "It’s not that bad for you because they shelter you from what goes on. But believe me, they fight. Dad tears into mom all the time. He might treat you great but it’s only because you’re his little girl still. I’m not and he stopped treating me like it a long time ago. It’s time I left."

  Janey sighed. I saw her eyes droop when she looked around the box-filled apartment.

  "I’m going to miss you too," she said.

  "We’re not going to be far apart. I’ll see you all the time, I swear. I’m not gonna just leave you behind."

  "Okay."

  "You know, I remember when Lydia moved out. You were so happy," I said with a smile.

  "We both were," Janey said. We both laughed.

  Lydia didn’t even come out to help move boxes. She said she had to go buy books for school. I know she didn’t have to though. School didn’t start for a few more days for either of us. She was starting her last year at the same university.

  "Girls, your dad is here with another load," Mom called from outside my bedroom door.

  "We better go help," Janey said.

  Before she could go, I grabbed her and pulled her into a hug. After a moment, she pulled away, giving me a half smile with shiny eyes. We just looked at each other. Suddenly, Janey started to giggle.

  "What?" I asked.

  "I was just thinking. Remember when we were painting Lydia’s old room a few years ago?" Janey asked with a smirked.

  "Paint fight!" I said. We started laughing until there were tears in my eyes. "I can’t believe we actually had a paint fight."

  "Mom was so mad at us," Janey said with electricity in her face and voice. "She said Dad was gonna ground us for life when he found out."

  "But then she helped us clean up so he would never know." I said. I smiled as I thought of her prote
cting us. She hid all the paint-covered clothes before he got home and cleaned up the mess.

  "Girls, come and get more boxes," Mom called. We headed out of the bedroom and followed her towards our dad’s black SUV.

  "What took you so long?" he asked and began grabbing a box out of the back. My dad towered over me with his muscular arms and handed me the box. His blonde hair was striking against his reddened fair skin.

  "They were giggling about something secret in the bedroom. I could hear them as I moved stuff out in the living room," Mom said with a smirk and bright brown eyes.

  "We were just having some fun," Janey said and smiled at me.

  "You know what would be fun?" Dad asked us with a grin, "We could all go out for pizza after this at the arcade. Play some games. Janey and I can see whose better on Dance Dance Revolution." His eyes had become vivid with excitement at the idea.

  "I love watching you try and bust a move on that thing, Dad!" I said and began giggling.

  "Hey, I’m good at it!" he said with a big smile on his face. "Ha, not as good as me," Janey said with a laugh.

  "We’ll see tonight," Dad said and winked at us.

  "I look forward to being thoroughly embarrassed in public," I laughed and rolled my eyes.

  Although it was embarrassing having your forty-something year old father dance with animation on an arcade game, it was also hilarious. My dad could be hilarious at time. He could be hard. He could be scary. But he was definitely fun too. It just never lasted.

  "Okay, let’s get these boxes upstairs," Mom said. She smiled but her eyes were unenthusiastic.

  We each grabbed a box and quickly followed her. Janey and I secretly smiled at each other from behind them

  Later that evening, my family and I went to Fun Palace. It was a large warehouse-like space. The walls, which stretched up to the exposed but dark painted ceiling, were puke yellow intermixed with murals of people dancing, snowboarding, playing hockey, and other games. To the right were two lines of red booths in an L pattern. In the middle of that ‘L’ were tables and chairs, most of which were filled with trays of half eaten food needing to be cleared away. Beyond the booths were several fast food restaurants. There was a pizza place, a burger place, and an ice cream place. It was like a small food court that you’d find in a mall. To the left was the arcade part. There were rows of every arcade game imaginable from video games to simulation games, foosball and table hockey to ball toss and pinball.

  Mom and I sat in one of those sticky booths as we ate our pizza. Her eyes were tense and her forehead wrinkled. She kept peaking on my father out of the corner of her eye. Dad and Janey were on a snowboard simulation game. They were moving their hips and arms about as if they were really snowboarding. My dad was very animated and throwing his arms out to balance himself.

  "They’re really going at it, aren’t they?" I said.

  "Uh hmm," Mom replied. She turned her eyes away from them. "I know it’s pretty embarrassing. But I don’t think anyone is staring, Mom," I said.

  Mom looked around and noticed a couple kids laughing at my dad.

  She cringed. "I don’t know about that sweetie."

  "I guess you’re right. It’s kinda hilarious though. Just look at him trying to act like some pro-snowboarder. At least they haven’t gotten to the dancing game yet," I said.

  "Oh, but they will. That is your father’s favourite game," she said. "I know, but whatever. You don’t need to be embarrassed, Mom. It’s not like they’re laughing at you."

  Mom smiled. "You’re growing up to be a very smart girl, you know."

  I blushed. "Thanks."

  "Moving out is a big step though," she said, her eyes getting more serious.

  "I know. I can’t say I’m not nervous, but I think it’s gonna be great. I mean, I’m an adult, Mom. I’m a university student. I can do this."

  She smiled and her eyes glazed over for a moment. She looked up at me. "You were always the one who got the good grades and did all the school activities. I remember when you were in that play in Grade eleven. I wasn’t sure you’d get the part but you did. And you were great as Titania in A Midsummer’s Night Dream. I was so proud."

  "Thanks, Mom." I sighed. "Dad said I could have been better though. He said I wasn’t passionate enough." I remembered his deep tone of voice as he told me that. His eyes were dark and piercing. "He was just going through one of his moody times."

  "You always do that," I said. My brows tensed.

  "What?" she asked.

  "Defend him." I felt like I had just placed an anvil on the table with my words.

  She looked me straight in the eye. "I’m not defending him, Annalyn. But he is your father and you need to respect him."

  "What about me? He doesn’t respect me," I said quick-voiced.

  "Stop that. Your father works hard. He gets moody and tired from going on all those business trips and dealing with potential buyers. We just need to accommodate him. You know that."

  "Mom—" I started to say when she gave me a purse-lipped hard-eyed glare. I fell silent.

  "Oh look, Lydia is here," Mom said and smiled.

  Lydia was just heading in the door. She was wearing black dress pants and violet blouse. My mom waved her over to our table and got up to hug her.

  "I’m glad you could make it, sweetie," Mom said. The two of them sat down at the booth.

  "Dad was pretty insistent when he phoned me. I couldn’t get out of it," Lydia said with a sigh.

  "We’re glad you came," Mom said with a cheery tone. "You should order some food."

  "Ew, arcade food? I don’t think so. This place is not somewhere I’d want to eat food at. The table is probably crawling with germs and grime." She cringed as she looked at my pizza.

  "Don’t be so uptight," I said.

  "Leave me alone," she replied with glaring eyes.

  "Girls, we didn’t come here to fight," Mom said "You’ve been together a whole two minutes. Can you really not go that long without being nasty?"

  "Oh, and thanks for helping me move," I said to Lydia. Mom gave me that purse-lipped hard-eyed glare again. "I was busy. I work, you know. And school starts in a few days. I needed to be prepared for my classes," Lydia replied with a smirk. "That’s crap. You could have helped. I work too," I said. I felt the fire in my eyes.

  "Oh right, at the bookstore. Yes, that must be so important," Lydia said with scoff in her voice.

  "Stop it right now!" Mom snapped.

  I looked down and frowned. After a moment I looked up again to find Lydia sneering at me. I glared at her for a second and then smiled at Mom, who softened her voice.

  "Lydia, why don’t you go say hello to your father and Janey. They are over on the snowboard game." Mom said.

  "No, they’re at the race car game now," I said.

  "Oh." Mom sighed. "Well, go say hi, Lydia."

  "Yeah, sure," Lydia said.

  She walked away from the table and I sighed with relief. She walked with such brisk that the perm in her short brown hair bounced. "Annalyn, I don’t like it when you two fight. You always instigate it. You could be nicer to her. It’s hard for her with all the pressure from school and work at the bank. Being a teller is not easy," Mom said. "Neither is working at a bookstore with customers complaining at you all day long," I said.

  "It’s different for you. She’s older so she has more responsibility and stress."

  "I don’t understand that. Why do we automatically assume she has it harder just because she is older? She hasn’t had to live at home in our dysfunctional family for the last three years."

  "Don’t!" Mom yelled in a whisper. "Our family is fine. There is nothing wrong with us, and you have no right to complain. So just stop it and enjoy the evening. We all worked very hard today moving boxes for you. So just stop and be happy and nice. I don’t want your father to see the way you’ve been behaving."

  I took a deep breath and felt my heart clench in her in
visible fists.

  "I’m sorry," I said in a low voice.

  "Why don’t we see if your father and sister want to quit playing games and come join us?" Mom said. Her voice had become soft again. She turned around to look for my father and I glared at the back of her head. Keep my father happy. Keep the family together. Keep everything looking good and normal. This was her motto. At times, I felt like I got in the way of her keeping the peace. I always managed to disappoint Dad in some way and that made things harder for her. Dad had to be happy. That was her number one goal in life. I knew she loved me, but I wanted to be her number one goal in life. I wanted to be the first priority for once. Even though she loved me, I was rejected and left in the shadow of my father and his volatile nature.

  Suddenly, I saw Janey storming over here. "Dad’s pissed," she said. "Lydia said this place sucked and he lost it."

  "I’ll go talk to them," Mom said. Her eyes twitched a little and she took in a deep breath and then headed off.

  I could see my father’s red face from where I stood. He shouted at Lydia, waved his arms around and kept pointing at her. I couldn’t hear much of what he was saying. Just things like "you have no right," and "spoiled little brat." I could feel my skin crawling. Several people were already staring. Lydia was yelling back with arms crossed and she was shaking her head at him. He started to stamp his feet when Mom got there. She pleaded with him to stop. Then he dropped his arms and made fists as he just stared at Lydia while she yelled back at him. I didn’t know what she was saying. I looked away.

  "I won, by the way," Janey said with gusto.

  "That’s great, but I think the evening is over," I replied. My stomach felt like it was wrenching inside.

  "Yeah, Lydia had to come and ruin it as usual. Whatever. We should totally get together tomorrow. I’ll come and help you unpack. I know you could use my decorating skills." She smiled though I could see her eyes shifting back and forth slightly. Her fingers trembled a little at her sides.

  "I don’t know. I might be busy. We’ll see," I said.

  I watched my mom trying to hush my father. After a moment, he stopped and the three of them headed over to us. Dad’s face was still red, his eyes were electrified and his lips pursed. Lydia just kept shaking her head as she walked past us and out the door. Mom’s eyes were glossy and red. Her hands were shaking a little. She tried to smile as she approached us but it looked broken and twisted as if she had been sucking on some bitter fruit. My heart fluttered.

  "Time to go?" I asked them.

  "Yes!" Dad yelled. His eyes bulged.

  By the time we got out the door, Lydia was already gone. Dad drove in silence. When he dropped me off at my apartment, my heart jumped in my chest and I felt like I had lost a huge weight off my shoulders.

  Later in the evening, I was standing at the window looking at the sun. I could see it setting in between two apartment buildings across the street. Orange glowed between the buildings like copper shining in the light. I felt a sense of satisfaction with the day. The sun descended in the sky and I knew this was the beginning of something. It was the beginning of my new life. I was a university student now. I was an independent woman.

  Lexie was sitting across the living room from me and unpacking some boxes. She was a slender tall girl with brown curly hair in a bob and emerald eyes. Lexie and I had been close since childhood. We lived on the same street. We played together. We grew up together. It felt right that we were moving in together. That night I felt as if there was a sense of impending adventure in both our hearts. We were on the road to great things.

  Lexie opened another box and half-chuckled, half-sighed. "You really should’ve marked your boxes better," she said.

  "Sorry. I guess I should have put my name on the boxes," I said.

  She laughed. "Yeah, it would have been nice. I’m starving. Do you want to order pizza?"

  My heart fluttered as if it was frowning. "I had pizza for dinner," I said.

  "What about you, Shauna?" Lexie asked.

  Shauna went to high school with us, though I didn’t hang out with her. She was the star of all the girl’s sports teams. She towered over me like a human that could step on a bug and squish her to death. She was a gorgeous black woman with chemically straightened hair that flowed all the way down her back when she had it down. When she heard Shauna was looking for roommates, Lexie convinced me that she was the perfect choice because she’d be able to beat up and robbers that came in.

  "We don’t really have any food yet for the fridge, do we?" Shauna said. "I didn’t bring anything."

  "I didn’t either," Lexie said.

  "Okay, so I guess we need to go get groceries," I said. My eyes brightened at the thought of this being our first task as independent adults.

  "It’s 9pm. Are the grocery stores still open?" Lexie asked.

  "Save-On is open for another hour, I think," I said.

  "I’ll go," Shauna said.

  "We need something sweet for tonight. Maybe ice cream. Double Chocolate ice cream," I said a couple seconds after Shauna had left.

  "Run and tell her." Lexie smiled.

  I ran to the door and yelled "Double Chocolate ice cream" down the hall to Shauna. She nodded with a big smile. I walked back into the apartment and felt a sense of awe. The boxes were starting to get unpacked. The couches and tables were now in place. It looked like home. I sat down and unpacked another box.

  "So I met a guy," Lexie said. I looked at her with eyebrows raised and we both smiled.

  "Tell me about him," I said.

  "Well, he’s a little older but in a distinguished-hot sort of way. He’s actually a professor at our school. But he’s not my teacher, so it’s okay."

  "You’re thinking of dating a professor at our school?" I said. I gave her a wide-eyed look and felt like my eyebrows were up to my hairline.

  "Maybe. I was at the bookstore and he came in looking for a copy of Crime and Punishment. He looked so sexy with that dark hair laced with silver strands. We talked for a bit. Or more like, we flirted for a bit."

  Lexie worked with me at Thrifton Place Books. It was an independent bookstore. We got paid a dollar more than minimum wage. We also got discounts on books and I loved to read. I worked there full time in the summer and now that I was back in school I would be working weekends. It was enough to pay rent. I was lucky enough that my father paid my tuition.

  "How old is he?" I asked.

  "I could tell he’s really intelligent."

  "Uh Huh." I looked at her smile and my heart crushed inside. "You can’t date him, Lexie. What if you end up taking his class someday?"

  "You’re no fun. So, what about that guy you’re dating. Are things going anywhere with him?"

  "Jessie?" My cheeks went warm. "I like him. He’s sweet." "Tell me more."

  "Well, last time we went out…" A smile grew on my face. "We kissed a little. And it was nice."

  "Aw, that’s so great."

  "I really like him."

  "I can tell. You blush every time you talk about him. It’s cute."

  "I’m not cute." I said dead-toned.

  "You really are!" I threw a couch pillow at her, just missing her head. We both laughed. I thought about Jessie and felt a sense of warmth over my body. I pictured him all sweaty in his track suite after his daily run. His wet hair would be almost black against his Irish skin. On our first date, he wore a black cord blazer over a navy button-up shirt. When he held his hand across the table, I ran my hands over the corded jacket and felt its texture on my finger tips. He smiled and my heart fluttered. I felt nervous and sticky. He had given me a long-stemmed rose and it lay across the white table cloth as we ate our pasta. Our glasses sparkled with white wine. We talked about high school and laughed. I was his calculus tutor. I got him through the big tests so he could stay on the basketball team. Other than that, we never paid much attention to each other until a few weeks before university started. We started talki
ng at a mutual friend’s birthday dinner. Suddenly, we connected with this electricity between us that had never been there before. We also talked about his family. He was first generation Canadian. His family immigrated to Canada from Ireland. He had a sister that was a few years younger than him. When he spoke of her, his face softened and I felt a spark of desire inside me. I thought he must have been a very sensitive and caring person.

  At the end of the date, we kissed for the first time on the front steps of my house and I felt this tickle inside of me. He was gentle. As he got close to me, his touch was warm and he ran his finger across my cheek. Then he leaned in and kissed me. It wasn’t a long or overdramatic kiss. But for those few seconds, I felt alive. My face felt irradiated after. I can remember smiling, but not completely. The left side of my lip was upturned as I tried to hide the grin that was growing inside of me. Then we said goodnight and I went inside my house.

  The first thing I did after was duck into my room so my parents wouldn’t come and bother me about it. They would ask all sorts of questions about him like they did with all my previous boyfriends – not that there were many. I went to bed right away so they would think I was asleep and forget about their need to know all about their daughter’s boyfriend, at least until the next day when I managed to elude their questioning again. It was something I was good at. I’d pull out a book and look too busy to talk. I had no idea if they liked me dating or not. They gave away none of their thoughts. Both of them were very matter fact about all of it. I couldn’t read them. And it didn’t matter because they never got in my way. Maybe they trusted me. I don’t know. Or maybe Dad was secretly threatening my boyfriends when I wasn’t in the room. It was something he might do. They never said anything though.

  "So are you seeing him again?" Lexie asked.

  "Tomorrow night we are going to dinner at that Italian place on Third Street."

  "You’ll have to tell me all the details. You can always bring him back here. We’ll stay out of your way."

  "Uh, no. I don’t think so. It’s a little too soon for that."

  "I guess it is for you." She smiled.

  "I’m not a prude, you know," I said.

  "I know you aren’t. You’re just shy and sweet and you take your time with things. I think it’s endearing. I respect you for it."

  We shared a smile and went back to unpacking boxes.

  When night came, Lexie and Shauna went to this end-of-summer party. I didn’t want to go even though Lexie was about to drag me there. Shauna convinced her to leave me behind if I didn’t want to go. I just wanted to sit and think. The day had been overwhelming and I felt exhausted. I stared up at the speckles of light in the black sky and wondered what was to come. I suddenly felt flip flops in my chest. I was on my own. I was an adult. I had to take care of myself. What if I couldn’t do it? There was this sinking feeling in my stomach as I sat there on my bed and gazed into the world outside my window. I had been waiting for this moment for years and all of a sudden I was drowning in my own fears of failure. I had never failed. I couldn’t fail. But I was scared to death that I would.