Whatever, Jerk

by Nikki Paris

  I sprayed my kitchen table down with cleaner again. I didn’t trust that Dani had ever actually cleaned anything in her life.

  When I was sure that my table was thoroughly sanitized, I collapsed on my couch, wishing for a beer. I promised myself I’d spend the entire month of August dry, just to prove that I didn’t have a problem. So far, I’d made it a whole week.

  But now I was thinking about Callie. I hated thinking about her because it reminded me that I was starting to forget the sound of her laugh or the feel of her skin. I couldn’t remember the exact shade of blue that her eyes turned when she was excited because photos didn’t do it justice. And did she usually toss her curly brown hair over her left shoulder or right when she was angry?

  I also hated that I didn’t think about her every hour of every day anymore and that sometimes, I thought about Dani. It made me feel like an asshole.

  I didn’t deserve to feel good thinking about another woman because it was my fault Callie was gone.

  I let out a deep breath and stood up. I wasn’t going to go down to the gas station and buy a six-pack. Instead, I changed my clothes and headed to the gym.

  ◆◆◆

  The next morning, I got a text from my sister. Con, Marshall just said he hates himself!! Some kids at school laughed at him when it was his turn to read, and now he hates himself! I don’t know what to do!

  I was sure Amy was crying on her bathroom floor right now. That was why she didn’t call. She always called unless she was crying too hard to speak. Shit.

  I texted back. Do you need m&m’s? I’m taking a break from tequila.

  No! I need help! Marshall needs help! I’m at my wit's end trying to get this kid to love himself!!

  My thoughts drifted to Dani and her stutter. She seemed ridiculously confident and like she floated through life without a care in the world. I mean, she didn’t want to talk to me about her stutter, but maybe she’d have some advice for my nephew.

  I texted Amy back. My neighbor stutters, and I think she’s an actress. I could ask her to talk to him. I didn’t actually know what the hell Dani did with her time, but I remembered hearing her brother say something about acting when she was moving in.

  OH MY GOD! THAT WOULD BE AMAZING! Marshall is in this online group for kids who stutter, but if he could meet someone in person that survived all the bullying, that would be so perfect!

  Okay, I’ll ask her. But don’t get your hopes up. She doesn’t like me very much.

  Why? What did you do?

  It’s just my winning personality.

  Amy replied with the eye-roll emoji, and I opened a web browser on my phone. I typed in Danica, actress and a cute little blonde girl named Danica Lynn Jepson popped up on my screen. Ah, Princess Dani was a kid actor. I read a few articles about her and found some creepy fan posts on Reddit. I wasn’t the only one that admired her backside. Fucking assholes. I closed the thread and set my phone down on the table.

  I groaned and covered my face with both hands. I couldn’t believe I was doing this. But I’d do anything to help my nephew. Fuck. I walked over to Dani’s front door and knocked twice.

  She pulled it open, wearing a low-cut t-shirt that showed off her breasts and skin-tight jeans. I couldn’t currently see her ass, but I was sure it looked fucking unbearable in those jeans. My attraction to Dani pissed me off for so many reasons:

  1- She was an entitled brat.

  2- She knew she was hot and leveraged it against me.

  3- Callie.

  “What’s up?” Dani asked, arching both eyebrows.

  “I figured out how you can pay me back for saving your dog.”

  Dani scoffed and folded her arms across her chest. That just made her breasts look even better. I fought to keep my eyes on her face. She glared at me and said, “Y-y-y-you are unbelievable! You w-w-want something from me? Y-you c-can’t just d-d-do someone a solid?”

  She took a step forward and pressed her finger into my chest. “What do you want, jerk? You w-w-want a fucking blow-job or something?”

  I accidentally cracked a smile. “You offering?”

  Dani’s mouth dropped open in shock. “Seriously unbelievable!”

  She made to slam the door in my face, but I stopped it. “Hear me out, Princess Dani. I need a non-sexual favor.”

  Dani let out a huge dramatic sigh and flung the door open. “F-fine!” Then she turned and walked down her hallway. Yep. I was right. Her ass looked fucking delicious in those jeans.

  I followed her into her kitchen, where she started to load her dishwasher like I wasn’t there. Look at that. She did know how to clean. Her dog padded over to me and licked my hand. “The dog looks better,” I said.

  Dani rolled her eyes. “Yep. Thanks. W-w-what do you want?”

  I let out a deep breath. How could I approach this delicately, without Dani getting pissed off at me again? “You have a stutter.” Bad opening line. Shit.

  Dani let out an irritated little growl. “We’ve established that, jerk! A-a-and, I’ll have you know, I pretty much o-o-only stutter when I-I’m mad or n-nervous!”

  I stepped up next to her, and she backed up against the counter, looking alarmed. I shouldn’t fuck with her. I honestly wanted her to talk to Marshall, but she made it so easy to make her uncomfortable. I pressed my body into hers, and she let out a sharp breath. I gazed into her eyes, then studied her lips. “So, do I make you mad or nervous?” I asked, leaning in until our lips were only a few inches apart.

  Dani’s body trembled, and her lips parted slightly. Then she gave me a hard shove and turned back to her dishes. She wasn’t going to fall for the almost-kiss again. “W-what do you w-w-want?”

  I sighed and leaned against the counter opposite Dani. “My seven-year-old nephew has a stutter, and kids in his neighborhood are being little shits to him. I…” I paused and ran my hands through my hair. I wasn’t sure if I should admit that I’d just cyber-stalked her for a solid hour. “I know you used to act, and my sister and I thought that it might help Marshall to talk to you, and you know, see that he can do anything other people do and that there’s life after bullying.” I groaned inwardly. This was way more vulnerable than I meant to be with Princess Dani.

  Dani sighed and slowly turned around to face me. “Kids are assholes.”

  I raised an eyebrow. “You don’t like kids? Does that mean you won’t talk to him? Man, and all this time we thought I was the jerk.”

  Dani rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I meant! B-b-bullying kids are assholes!” She groaned and covered her face. “Can you like, g-go further away? I would like to stop stuttering.”

  I grinned. “I make you nervous then?”

  “No! Mad!” Dani glared at me with icy fire in her eyes.

  I raised both hands and backed into her dining area. I wanted to stop smiling. It was going against the aloof asshole vibe I’d worked so hard to cultivate over the last couple of years. I sank into a chair at her kitchen table, forced the smile off my face, and asked, “So, can you talk to him?”

  “When?”

  “Tomorrow afternoon, around 3 or 4?”

  Dani nodded and bit her full bottom lip. “Where?”

  “My sister’s place.”

  “Will y-you be there?”

  “You want me to be there?” Fuck, I was smiling again.

  Dani scoffed and turned back to her dishes again. “No. I don’t want you to hear me talk about being b-bullied. I’ll tell your nephew because I feel his pain, but it’s none of y-your business.”

  “It’s settled then. I’ll be there. Hell, I’ll even drive you, Princess.” I was full-on grinning now.

  “Whatever, jerk.”

  I stood to leave. “Perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

  She didn’t answer until I’d almost reached her front door. Then she called out, “I’m not very good with kids!”

  That didn’t surprise me. “Just don’t swear in front of him,” I yelled back. “And wear more clothes than you usua
lly do. The fascination with breasts starts young.” Then I pulled the door shut behind me.

  Was this a terrible idea--giving Dani such a clear look into my personal life?

  I texted Amy. She’ll come, but Aims, I’m not even friends with this girl. Don’t do anything weird. And for the love of god, don’t tell her anything personal about me.

  12

  Dani

  As soon as my door slammed shut, I looked down at my chest. What was wrong with my shirt? It wasn’t that low-cut! And for fucks sake, I was wearing jeans! How much more clothing did Connor want me to wear?

  I went back to scrubbing my dishes. Thank god I’d cleaned the rest of my apartment before Connor came knocking. It was embarrassing how messy I’d let it get. Back when I had TV money, I hired a weekly cleaning service. I sure missed those days!

  As soon as I finished loading my dishwasher, I called Gia. The second she answered, I blurted out, “I’m m-meeting his family t-tomorrow!”

  “Whoa. What? Who?”

  “Connor!”

  Gia laughed out loud. “That was quick. He saved miss Lizzy, and y’all fell in love?”

  I scoffed. “Ugh. No. I still hate him. I think. His nephew stutters and is being bullied, a-and h-h-he wants me to t-talk to him.”

  Gia squealed. “You guys are falling in love!”

  “How the hell is that anything like falling in love, dumbass?”

  “The elements of love are all falling into place, Dani. Sexual tension, check. Teasing and flirting, check. Helping each other with really personal problems, check. You’re just naturally going to fall in love next.” Gia sighed into the phone.

  “There’s something wrong with you.” I rolled my eyes and grabbed a rag to wipe down the counter.

  Gia laughed. “Yeah. We’re doing Romeo and Juliet at the Children’s Theater. It has me feeling all romantic.”

  “You d-do that play with children?”

  “A very watered down PG version.”

  I sighed. “S-s-speaking of children, I need some pointers!” I was nervous about meeting Connor’s nephew. If my heart hadn’t almost snapped in half when Connor talked about his nephew being bullied, I would have said no. But I remembered being that kid all too well. Hell, I was still that kid!

  “Right, right,” Gia said. I could hear children yelling in the background. She must be running a Saturday rehearsal. “Be silly, like stupidly silly. They eat that up. Um, don’t swear.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Why d-does everyone keep t-telling me that? I don’t swear that much, do I?”

  “Yeah, you do. I mean, everyone does, just not around kids.” Gia paused, then said, “Most importantly, just be honest. Kids see through lies. So don’t tell him that all the crap he’s going through is just going to go away when he grows up.”

  I sighed. “I’d n-never tell him th-th-that.”

  “Well, then I think you’ve got this, Dani! I gotta get back to rehearsal, but I want to hear all about the first kiss with Connor!” Gia laughed. “Bye, girl.”

  I rolled my eyes. “Bye, G.”

  Connor and I weren’t falling in love. I wanted to fuck him into next week, and I got chills every time he teased me and got all up in my space, but we weren’t falling in love. You had to like someone before you could love them.

  Mmm… but his body felt good, and damn, he smelled fantastic. I couldn’t even describe it. It was just like all clean and manly and drool-inducing. It was the kind of smell I wanted to roll around in, maybe bottle it and take with me everywhere I went.

  I glanced down at Lizzy. “You g-g-get it, right, girl? You love things that smell g-good.”

  Should I dial back the angry hate game I’d started with Connor? Was I sabotaging something potentially amazing because of my need to be dramatic?

  Suddenly I was imagining shoving Connor down on my bed and ripping his clothes off. In my head, I was riding him and gasping while he grabbed my ass. Oh shit, now he was flipping me over and driving into me like—

  My phone rang, and my heart skipped a beat. Okay, dirty girl. Take a breath. I was still waiting to hear back from Modern Talents about my audition. Was this them? My old pal, Leroy?

  Nope. Just my mom. My dirty Connor-hate-sex fantasy vanished. “Hey, mom,” I answered.

  “Hey, sweetie, just calling to see if you heard back about the movie role yet!”

  I groaned and rested my head against the wall. “Nope.”

  What the hell was I doing with my life? Trying out for movie roles that we were way out of my reach and engaging in sexual fantasies about a guy that couldn’t stand me?

  ◆◆◆

  The was a knock on my door at 3:32 pm the next day. I pulled open the door and tried not to drool at the sight of him. Yup, I liked Connor. He looked totally casual in a plain white t-shirt and jeans, but also unbelievably sexy.

  He cocked an eyebrow. “You ready?”

  I rolled my eyes. “Why are you already g-giving me a-attitude?”

  Connor said, “I’m not. Why are you already getting offended by nothing?”

  I bit my lip. “Touché.” I cleared my throat. “Is this okay?” I asked, gesturing to my outfit. I’d carefully chosen the most kid-friendly t-shirt I could find — a pink one with a black rose and a high neckline, and my loosest fitting jeans.

  Connor’s eyes flicked up and down my body, and I felt hot everywhere he looked. “Yep.” Then he turned to walk away. When I didn’t immediately follow him, he turned with that asshole raised eyebrow look. “You coming?”

  I closed my apartment door, locked it, and followed him to his car. The last time I’d been this close to his car, I’d been sticking my passive-aggressive note on his windshield.

  Awkward.

  I slid into the passenger seat with my heart racing. I was nervous about being in such close proximity to Connor, now that I’d fully realized just how attracted I was to him. But even more than that, I was terrified of meeting his family. Was his sister as big of a jerk as him? Would I even be able to say anything remotely helpful to his nephew? Would the kid hate me, like most kids?

  I’d spent the entire morning writing a list of everything I wished I’d known as a child. I wrote down the most helpful things my speech therapist taught me and the best self-esteem building mantras. The list was folded in my back pocket, in case I got nervous and forgot everything I wanted to say to the kid.

  I glanced over at Connor as he drove, and my heart raced even faster. If I tried to speak to him, I’d be a stuttering mess. Besides that, he had a “piss off” look on his handsome face.

  I should be quiet. Silence didn’t always need to be filled. I pressed my lips together and stared out the window.

  13

  Connor

  Dani sat in tight-lipped silence, with her hands clasped in her lap the entire drive to Amy and Devin’s house. Not that I tried to start a conversation with her. It wasn’t like we were friends now.

  I glanced over at her, and a smile came out of nowhere and tried to slip onto my face. She looked like she worked hard to put together a kid-friendly outfit. I was just giving her shit about her clothes because I was tired of being turned on by her smoking body. As it turned out, she was still sexy, totally covered up. She would be sexy in a fucking trash bag.

  But she tried to wear something kid-friendly. I found that irritatingly adorable.

  When I pulled into the driveway, Dani finally spoke. “What does Marshall like?”

  “Uh, LEGO, Minecraft, sharks, and soccer.”

  Dani nodded. “How long has he been in speech therapy?”

  “About six months.”

  Then she got out of the car and walked up to the front door without me. By the time I locked my car and made it to the porch, Dani was already introducing herself to my sister.

  Amy welcomed her inside, saying, “Thank you so much for coming! Seriously, thank you! His self-esteem has just been tanking, and it’s breaking my heart!”

  Dani gave my sister a sad
smile. “I feel his pain.”

  A moment later, Devin made his way down the stairs, with Marshall following close behind. Marshall gave Dani a wary look and stayed beside his dad.

  Dani smiled at Devin and then turned to Marshall. “H-h-hey, bud! I’m Danica! I-I-I hear y-your name is Marshall, and that y-you’re pretty much a LEGO genius.”

  Marshall gave Dani a shy little grin, and his eyes lit up when he heard her stutter. “Y-y-y-y-yeah! W-w-wanna see?”

  “Yep. That’s w-why I came, dude!” Dani smiled.

  Amy spoke up, “Sweetie, be careful bringing your LEGOs down the stairs!”

  “Should I g-go up to see them?” Dani asked.

  “Yeah, yeah. That’s fine. I’ll go too,” Devin said. “I was supposed to come and see something Marshall built this morning anyway.”

  As soon as Marshall, Dani, and Devin disappeared up the stairs, Amy smacked my arm and gaped at me. “She is gorgeous!”

  I rolled my eyes and walked into Amy’s living room. “And a huge pain in the ass.”

  “No!” Amy gaped at me. “She seems so sweet!”

  I shook my head. “She’s not.” But she kind-of was.

  We heard footsteps on the stairs, so I didn’t elaborate. Dani, Marshall, and Devin walked into the living room, smiling. Devin excused himself to go and get started on dinner, and Amy said, “Marshall, do you have any questions for Dani about stuttering?”

  Marshall glanced over at Dani and shrugged.

  Amy walked over and ran her hands through his hair. “Anything, bud?”

  Marshall looked down at his feet and shook his head.

  Dani spoke up. “Are y-you wondering if it ever g-g-gets better or g-goes away?”

  Marshall nodded without looking at her.

  “It can g-get better if you work hard, but the most important thing is that you accept yourself the way you are and believe there’s n-nothing wrong with y-y-you.”

  My mouth almost dropped open in shock. Holy shit, Princess. That was deep and thoughtful.