Whatever, Jerk

by Nikki Paris

  I was almost afraid to look and see the woman that would forever own a piece of the man I loved. But being brave meant doing things that scared you, and I could be brave for Connor. I gently took the picture from him with trembling hands, then let my eyes fall to the photo.

  “Wow,” I whispered. “She’s st-st-stunning.” It was a photo of Callie in her wedding dress. Her big blue eyes sparkled, and her wild mane of chestnut curls was the stuff of shampoo commercials. Callie’s smile was pure sweetness, and I couldn’t even imagine an angry word coming from her beautiful mouth.

  “Here’s a few more.” Connor’s voice shook, just a little.

  I took the photos from his hand, not ready to meet his gaze. I flipped through the snapshots of Connor and Callie’s life together and felt tears burning the corners of my eyes. There were wedding photos, family portraits, and a few candids from birthdays and holidays. I could see their love in every picture, and my heart ached for everything they’d lost.

  The last photo I held was of Connor and Callie. It looked like an engagement photo. Connor had his arms wrapped around Callie from behind, with his lips pressed against her cheek. His eyes were closed, and he held her like she was precious — like she was everything to him. Connor’s expression screamed that he lived and breathed for her. And Callie smiled like she was floating on cloud 9.

  I knew the feeling… Connor seemed to have that effect on people.

  I bit my lip as I stared at the picture. Callie was his world. Would he ever be able to hold me the way he held her? Was it childish and selfish to even wonder that?

  Connor pulled out a thumb drive next and plugged it into his laptop. He didn’t say a word as he started to play a video. It was of Callie walking around what looked like their house. Her voice was like music. Her laugh was perfection. “Okay, and right here, look babe, under this god-awful wallpaper, there is this gorgeous brick!” Callie laughed, and I could hear Connor in the background. “I know how you love exposed brick. Let’s talk about it all day.” He laughed, and Callie said, “Babe, you know I will!”

  That video faded out, and another started. Connor sat on their bed in the early light of morning. Callie lay next to him, still asleep and looking like an angel. “It’s Cal’s twenty-sixth birthday today. She thinks we’re just going to dinner tonight, but…” He grinned at the camera and held up two plane tickets. “We’re going to Hawaii!”

  He turned the camera to her and reached over and roughly shook her awake. “Callie! God, you’re snoring so loud!”

  Callie sat up and rubbed her eyes. “I’m sorry, babe.”

  Connor tossed the plane tickets on her lap. “Can you put your shit away, too? You’re always leaving stuff on my nightstand.”

  Callie frowned and picked up the plane tickets. “I do that. It’s true, but this isn’t mine.” Then her pretty blue eyes widened, and her mouth dropped open. “Connor, what…”

  Connor laughed. “Happy Birthday, baby.”

  Callie screamed and then dove on top of Connor, knocking his phone out of his hands. The video ended, but it didn’t take a genius to imagine what happened next.

  God, I could see why he loved her. She was perfect.

  Tears were streaming down my cheeks now. Shit. What the hell did I think I was doing here? How the hell could I compete with this beautiful woman and this beautiful love? The room suddenly felt like an oven, and it was getting hard to breathe.

  Connor rested his hand on my knee, startling me out of my thoughts. “Is this too much for you?”

  I met his concerned gaze and felt an ache spreading through my chest. I was crazy about Connor. His touch made me melt. His smile lifted me up. Connor could be my forever. He could be the one.

  But I couldn’t be his. He would never love me the way he loved Callie, and I couldn’t even blame him for it.

  Tears completely blurred my vision, and I couldn’t find my voice. Finally, I choked out three honest little words. “I don’t know.”

  Connor nodded and closed his laptop. He leaned forward and rested his head in his hands. “I’m sorry, Dani. I don’t know how to do this.”

  A tiny sob escaped my throat. What did he mean by “this?” Us? I could have asked for clarification, but my heart was already cracking. I threw up my shields and got ready to run. “You don’t need to a-a-a-apologize.” I wiped the tears from my face and then stared down at my trembling hands. “I-I-I understand why y-y-you can’t be with me.” Then I whispered, “She was perfect.”

  Connor didn’t answer, and my cracked heart sank. This was so much more complicated and painful than I ever imagined. I should have left this sexy asshole and his broken heart alone. Then maybe my heart would have stayed intact.

  I rubbed at the ache in my chest, and another sob slipped out. I’d never been enough for a guy. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I was enough for Connor either, especially after Callie.

  The answer to Connor’s question became clear. It was too much. I couldn’t breathe. My heart rammed against my chest so hard that I was worried it might just rip through. I jumped up from his couch and rushed out his door.

  He didn’t follow me.

  I ran out because I wasn’t brave enough to be second-place. And he didn’t follow me, because I wasn’t her.

  Did that mean it was over for us?

  I loved him. I loved him in a way that completely consumed me, and I knew that I was changed now. I knew that anyone who came after Connor would be second place.

  This love had fucking destroyed me.

  28

  Connor

  Dani ran. My baggage was too heavy for her.

  I shouldn’t have let her see so much so fast, but she kept asking. Dani kept saying we needed to do it. Talking about Callie was an important step for us. We had to do it if we wanted to move past “like” to “love.”

  We tried to take the leap, but we fell short.

  Who was I kidding? I was already there with Dani. I fucking loved her and all of her sass. I was ready to let her in and move forward with her.

  I loved again, and now I was becoming acquainted with a new kind of heartbreak. I already knew the type where love was ripped from your life by circumstances out of your control. Now I knew the kind where the person you loved just didn’t want to be with you. Both types of heartbreak hurt like hell.

  I should have stayed away from Dani and her mind-numbing ass.

  I put all of Callie’s memories back into the little white box and headed to my closet. I slid it back in its place on the top shelf and then collapsed onto my bed, in the dark.

  Fuck trying to be happy again. Fuck all of this.

  Suddenly I woke up to a frantic pounding at my front door. I sat up in bed and tried to shake the confusion from my head. A quick glance at my watch told me it was 4 am. I ran my hands down the front of my shirt and realized I must have passed out still fully clothed after Dani left.

  Shit. I already missed her warm body next to mine.

  The knock at the door sounded again. I stumbled out of bed and went to answer it. When I pulled the door open, I was surprised to see Dani standing there. It was pitch black out, except for the little porch lights outside of every apartment door. The light cast a golden glow on her face. God, she was beautiful.

  “Hey.” Her lower lip trembled, and her eyes were red and swollen.

  “Hey.” My voice was hoarse. What was about to happen? Why was she here? It fucking hurt just to look at her.

  “I-I-I-I” she stuttered, “I want to be second place. I would rather be s-s-second place than not have you a-at all.” She started pacing in front of my door, wrapping her arms around herself. “I-I’m a jealous, dramatic, whiny brat, and she was fucking p-perfect. I hate that you lost her, but I’ll fucking stand in her sh-shadow because I love you, damn-it!”

  Was that why she ran? She thought I couldn’t love her after Callie? Dani thought she was second place?

  I covered my face with both hands, and my heart raced out of cont
rol. This wasn’t over. When I pulled my hands away and looked at her, I just wanted her in my arms.

  Before I knew it, my hands were on her tiny waist, and I was pulling her tightly against my body. I pressed my lips into hers, slow and soft, wanting her to feel this kiss in her goddamn soul. She was more than enough for me. She was everything.

  “Princess,” I rested my forehead against hers and said, “You are nobody’s second place.” Then I lifted her up in my arms.

  Dani whimpered and wrapped her legs around me while we kissed and made our way to my bedroom. I gripped her perfect ass and backed onto my bed. She straddled me and closed her eyes while I kissed her neck.

  “Dani,” I said, pulling away to gaze into her pretty blue eyes. “There is no first place or second place. There’s no shadow. There’s just time, and ours is right now.”

  Dani bit her lip and then tugged her shirt off over her head. I gazed at her beautiful naked breasts and kissed them softly. She rocked her pussy against my erection and wrapped her arms around my neck. She pressed her lips to my forehead and whispered, “It’s our time, then. I love you, Connor.”

  I tugged my shirt off next, with my heart racing out of control. “I love you, Dani.”

  Now my heart felt like all of its pieces were melting back together. This was a feeling I’d never experienced in my life.

  My lips were on her collarbone, my hands were on her breasts, and our breathing was heavy. Dani slid off my lap to remove her jeans. I ached for the heat of her body back on mine.

  When she slid back onto my lap, totally nude, I didn’t have a shred of constraint left. Dani unbuttoned my jeans and slid them down, then guided me into her. She rocked her hips in a perfect rhythm, meant just for me. Dani drove me crazy in every way. I fucking loved her.

  I flipped her over and gazed into her pretty icy blue eyes and made love to her in a way that was just for her. It was our time, our bodies melting together, our new love. It was perfect and incredible, and it didn’t feel anything like the love I shared with Callie. Dani was different from Callie, and I was different from the man I was years ago.

  Of course the love I shared with Dani would be different. But I meant what I said. There was no first place or second place. There was no “better love.”

  When we finished, Dani rested her head on my chest, and I ran my fingers through her soft golden waves.

  “We’ll figure it out, r-right?” she whispered.

  I nodded. “If we don’t run when it gets hard.”

  “I won’t run.”

  “Me neither.”

  “I love you, Connor.”

  “I love you, Dani.”

  I tipped her chin up to kiss her softly and let out a contented sigh when she settled back against me. We didn’t speak for so long that I thought maybe she’d fallen asleep. I whispered into the quiet, “She wasn’t perfect.”

  Dani whispered back. “Callie?”

  “Yeah.” I let out a deep breath. “No one is perfect. She annoyed the shit out of me, just like anyone else. We argued and had our issues. She had weird habits and bit her nails like a crazy person. She’s just gone now, you know, and I choose to hold on to the absolute best parts of her because those are the parts of anyone that should live on.”

  I ran my hand gently down Dani’s back. “I loved the shit out of that woman, but it doesn’t mean I think that she was perfect and that no one else will measure up to her. At least, I don’t think that anymore.”

  I kissed Dani’s forehead. “I’ve never said those words aloud to anyone before. I just wanted you to know.”

  Dani rolled over and propped herself up on her elbow to look at me. “Thank you for being so honest and open with me. I’m s-s-so sorry I r-ran. I promise I’ll never do it again.”

  She traced my lips with her fingertips, and I smiled and asked, “Even if I’m a jerk?”

  Dani laughed softly. “Especially if you’re a jerk.”

  “Why especially?”

  “Because if you’re being a jerk, that means you need me.”

  My smile turned into a grin. “So true.” I kissed the top of Dani’s head. “And how will we know when you need me?”

  Dani stayed quiet for a minute and then said, “When I start hiding from m-my dreams.” She turned her pretty blue eyes to meet mine. “You w-w-woke me up, too, you know? And I think that’s r-real love— when you make each other want to live and be brave.”

  Yep. Dani was incredible. How could I have ever thought she was nothing but a shallow spoiled brat? “You want to know what I love about you, Dani?”

  “What?” Her smile was so sweet.

  “There’s so much more to you than meets the eye, and you have so many different sides.”

  She laughed. “Oh, y-y-yeah?”

  “Yep. There’s the drama queen that needs the hell teased out of her. There’s the sassy, hilarious brat that can give me shit when I deserve it. There’s the brave, tough Dani that can show up with her head held high, even if she’s scared. Then there’s this deep, vulnerable, sweetheart that I have in my arms right now.” I kissed the top of her head, and she snuggled into me.

  Her face was pressed against my chest, but I could feel her smiling. When Dani smiled for real, she smiled with her whole body, even scrunching up her toes. “You’re the sweetest jerk I’ve ever met!” Dani’s voice was muffled against my chest.

  I laughed and pulled her more tightly against me. Fuck, I loved her. It was terrifying to love someone this much again, but I was powerless to stop these feelings.

  29

  8 Months Later

  Dani

  I pulled my waffles from the toaster and tossed them on a paper plate. “Fuck!” They were hot! I turned to the fridge to grab the syrup.

  “Morning, sexy.” Connor wandered into the kitchen and pinched my ass.

  I turned with a smile that immediately melted into a glare when I saw him leaning against the counter, eating one of my waffles dry. “G-g-get your own damn waffles!” I snatched it out of his hand and put it back on my plate.

  Connor laughed and picked up my mug of coffee. “Don’t you dare!” I gaped and pointed a finger in his face. “You don’t even like that k-k-kind!”

  Connor raised an eyebrow at me and took a long, slow sip of my coffee. I groaned and covered my face with both hands. He set the mug down and grabbed the waffle I’d already reclaimed. “Bye, baby. Have a good day.” He kissed my nose and headed for the front door of our townhouse, picking up his white lab coat off the back of a kitchen chair.

  “Bye, Jerkface. I love you!” I yelled after him with my arms folded tightly across my chest. My goddamn sexy boyfriend just loved to piss me off first thing in the morning. My coffee was art, and he didn’t even like it! But he still had to drink some of it every morning and mess up the perfect caffeine ratio I’d created for myself.

  “I love you, too, Princess.” Connor was back and leaning against the wall in the hallway, with a sexy smile.

  Nice. He was still here—time for some payback. I bit my lip and slowly unbuttoned my tight black shirt.

  “Ooh, hey, baby.” Connor bit his lip, too. “What are you doing over there?”

  I let out an exaggerated sigh. “I’m just fixing m-my bra. The wire is digging into me.” I was wearing a brand new red bra. It was supposed to be a fun little surprise for tonight. Connor was already late for work and didn’t even have time for a quickie, but he drank my coffee and stole my waffle. He was asking for blue balls.

  I stared right into his pretty brown eyes and ran my hands seductively over my breasts.

  Connor groaned and covered his face with both hands. “Is that a new bra, Princess?” When he removed his hands, his eyes were glazed over with desire.

  I blinked innocently. “This one?” I gave my breasts a gentle squeeze. “I guess it is new.” With a teasing grin, I started to button my shirt back up. “But you have to get to work, so…”

  Connor laughed out loud and pulled his phone f
rom his back pocket.

  “What are y-you doing?” I asked.

  “Texting Jessie to tell her I’m going to be late today.” Then he crossed the room in a few quick steps and scooped me up in his arms.

  I let out a little squeal and laughed. “What are you d-doing now?”

  He carried me to our bedroom and lay me down in the center of our bed. Then he climbed on top of me. “I’m going to fuck you. Then I’m going to make you some new coffee since yours will be cold by the time I’m done with you.” Connor sucked on my neck while he unbuttoned my shirt. Once he got it open, he buried his face in my tits. “Love the new bra, baby.”

  I laughed and half-heartedly tried to shove him off, but his hand was already down the front of my dress pants and feeling incredible. Fine. He could win the teasing game today.

  After he fucked me and messed up my hair, Connor made me the perfect cup of coffee and gave me one more soft kiss. “I’ll see you tonight. 7:30 at that same place where we had our first date.”

  “Yep. See you tonight. Love you.”

  “Love you, too.”

  I sighed and sipped my coffee while I watched him walk out the front door. Damn. I was lucky. I headed back to our bathroom to fix my hair. I didn’t have to be on set until 10 am today, but I did need to look flawless. I was playing a bitchy blonde sorority girl in a movie. This role had more screen time and more speaking parts than I’d been getting lately, but it meant my looks and speech had to be on point.

  I smiled to myself as I remembered Connor rubbing my shoulders and helping me run lines the night before. Goddamnit, I loved him! I knew what I hoped our little dinner was about tonight, but I was afraid to let the hope turn into concrete thoughts.

  ◆◆◆

  “Dani Lynn.” Connor smiled at me across the table while we waited for the waitress to return with his credit card.

  I narrowed my eyes at him. He never used my middle name. The only way it would have been weirder would be if he’d called me Danica Lynn. “What’s up, Connor?”