Feeling Elsie’s gaze upon her, Maggie rubbed her protruding belly. ‘I’ve still got a few more months yet.’
‘Yes, you don’t look like you’re at the waddling-duck stage just yet. There were times when I waddled down here on my lunch break and thought I’d never get up off this bench again. I was always late going back to the greengrocer’s and Mrs Jackson would give me hell, but I could always get around her. She spoilt me rotten.’
‘She was quite a lady.’
‘Yes, she was the superwoman of her day. She ran the shop and a guesthouse all on her own and even tried her hand at midwifery now and again.’
‘She delivered your baby?’
‘Her mum was a midwife and Flo learnt enough to get by when she needed to.’
But not enough to save your baby, Maggie thought, but didn’t say. The last pieces of Elsa’s story were taking shape, although now Maggie wished they wouldn’t. Elsa had tried to run away and had left it too late to call for medical help. Whatever problems there had been with the birth, it had been beyond Flo’s limited experience.
‘I wasn’t the only one who was wracked with guilt,’ Elsie continued as if she had read Maggie’s thoughts. ‘I suppose that was part of the reason Aunt Flo was determined to keep in touch after I went back home to Liverpool. She needed to know I was getting on with my life.’
‘And you did,’ Maggie said.
‘Yes, but I can’t help but wonder …’
The conversation stalled and Maggie felt Elsie’s grip on the present slipping. Although Mrs Milton had been willing to relive the pain of the past, now was not the time, not when the memories of losing the baby were so prominent in her mind. Maggie tried to keep her focused on the here and now.
‘I’m going to get a trial run at being a mum this weekend,’ she said. ‘Jenny and her husband are going away on a little boat trip so I’m babysitting Lily from Friday morning until Sunday night. She’s almost ten months old now, crawling everywhere and getting into everything. I’m going to have my hands full but I can’t wait. You remember Jenny, don’t you?’
‘Hmm,’ Elsie said but she wasn’t listening. Maggie heard the sound of Elsie’s wedding ring scrape along the bench as she explored its surface. When she did eventually speak, her voice had that unmistakeable youthfulness.
Elsa was looking out across the lake: the reflection of the sun so bright that it stung her eyes. ‘What I wouldn’t give to hold her one more time,’ she said.
‘I know and I’m so, so sorry,’ said the woman sitting on her right.
Rather than turn towards her, Elsa’s gaze drifted across the empty seat on her left. Her fingers were splayed out across the surface of the bench and she dug her fingernails into the wood as if she could imbibe the memories trapped beneath the layers of paint. Memories were all she had left. Her suitcase was packed and it was time to go home …
‘Elsa?’
She snapped up her head. The sunshine was blinding and the tears welling in her eyes obscured her vision but she knew immediately that it was Aunt Flo who had appeared in front of her. No more than an amorphous silhouette, the old lady sat down in the vacant seat.
‘I feel so empty,’ Elsa said.
‘It will pass.’
‘Will it? Will these arms ever feel anything but emptiness?’ she asked. She lifted up her arms as if to cradle her baby then dropped them down on her lap. ‘Will I ever stop seeing that perfect little face with those beautiful eyes and cupid’s bow mouth? Will I ever forget the feeling of those tiny little fingers and toes?’
‘It will pass.’
Elsa shook her head. ‘I won’t forget.’
Flo tried to soothe her with promises of a bright and happy future but to no avail; it didn’t matter how many babies she went on to have, they wouldn’t replace Tess. ‘I made a mistake and now I’m going to pay for it for the rest of my life.’
Guilty tears trickled down Flo’s face. She had played her part.
‘Don’t blame yourself,’ Elsa said. ‘You did everything you could, I know that.’
But Aunt Flo’s conscience wouldn’t be appeased, not then, not ever. Her silhouette shimmered before it was whipped away by a soft summer breeze. When she had completely disappeared and was little more than a memory, Elsa began to sob. She clamped a hand over her mouth and for one blessed moment there was silence but then the unmistakeable sound of her newborn baby’s cries began to echo across her mind. It was a sound that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
The scene being played out next to her on the bench was devastating. Maggie could only hear Elsa’s responses to an imaginary visitor but it had made her skin crawl and her heart ache at the same time. It had been a mistake bringing Elsie to the park. Her condition was deteriorating and it had been foolhardy to think that their beloved bench would help resurrect precious memories that would bring her comfort. Elsie’s fractured mind was intent on making her suffer and had returned her to what must have been the bleakest point in her life, when she had lost everything she held dear.
When Elsa fell silent again, Maggie allowed her to drift mercifully towards a void between the present and the past. She waited patiently for Ted to return, but it was his wife who reappeared first.
‘I was just thinking about Tess,’ Elsie said. ‘Did you know I didn’t get to spend one single minute with her on my own?’
‘I can’t begin to imagine what it must have been like for you,’ Maggie said with a shudder, hoping and praying that her own baby would be born safely.
‘She cried and cried but I couldn’t soothe her.’
Maggie was temporarily thrown by the remark but it wouldn’t be the first time that Elsie’s memory had misfired. Like the layers of paint on the bench, Mrs Milton’s memories had been laid one on top of the other. Time had chipped away at those layers and occasionally one memory could peek through the cracks of another. It was true of her recollection of the swans and, despite its significance, it was true of the memories of the births of her three children.
‘You were a good mum. Nancy and Yvonne are testament to that,’ she offered.
‘Gosh, the girls!’ Elsie said, scrambling to her feet. ‘I need to pick them up from school.’
‘Harvey!’ Maggie called so quickly that she made the dog jump in alarm. He was still lying beneath the bench and banged his head.
‘Not so fast,’ Ted called. He was some distance away but was rushing down the slope towards them with a laden shopping bag banging against his leg. He was out of breath by the time he reached them.
‘Do I know you?’ Elsie asked curtly.
‘I hope so. We sleep together every night.’
‘The nerve of him,’ she said to Maggie. ‘Postmen are so cheeky these days.’
It wasn’t the first time Maggie had witnessed Elsie dismissing her husband and Ted saw the look of dismay on her face. ‘Don’t worry,’ he whispered. ‘I was a postie. That’s how we met.’
Maggie had been focusing on one chapter of Elsie’s life and a painful one at that. It was refreshing to hear how the next had begun. ‘You’ll have to tell me all about it.’
Ted didn’t need much encouragement and as they ambled out of the park, he told her more of their earlier life together. He had first met Elsa when delivering post to her parents’ house shortly after her return home from Sedgefield. Ted was proud of his fifty-eight-year marriage if not a little amazed that his wife had put up with him for so long. As he reminisced, he turned occasionally to Elsie for agreement but her responses were non-committal and eventually she disconnected herself from her surroundings. Maggie could only hope that wherever Elsie’s mind was taking her, it held the kind of joy that Ted was recalling and not the horrors that Maggie couldn’t help but imagine.
Elsa walked quietly out of the park. She was heading home to Liverpool but she would come back to Sedgefield one day. She was ready to face life again and all because Aunt Flo had given her something to live for. Mrs Jackson had promised her that she coul
d see her baby one more time. Only once, mind, to say goodbye properly and to satisfy herself that Anne was giving Tess the love and care she deserved. Once would be enough, Elsa was sure of it.
18
Lily slept soundly as the adults clucked around her like mother hens.
‘Every packet has a label,’ Jenny was explaining. She had known Maggie for nearly twenty years and not all of that time had been wasted on idle gossip and secret fantasies. As a teenager she had been curious about Braille and Maggie had been eager to share her knowledge. They had used it to send secret messages to each other at school but now it had more practical applications. Jenny had borrowed Maggie’s Braille label maker a few days earlier but had been a little overzealous.
‘You’ve even put a label on the nappies!’ laughed Maggie. ‘I think I could have worked that one out for myself.’ She was trying to sound calm but she had woken up with butterflies in her stomach and they were now gathering up a storm and making her queasy.
‘Better safe than sorry.’ Jenny sounded petulant but there was a smile there too.
‘She’s even put labels on the things we didn’t bring,’ Mark added. ‘Jenny, it’s eight forty-five already. We said we’d be at the boat for nine.’
‘You’ll have a great time,’ James said to Mark as they hustled out into the hallway, leaving the two women standing in the middle of the living room amidst the paraphernalia that had accompanied Lily’s arrival.
‘Don’t worry, she’ll be fine,’ Maggie said when she noticed her friend hadn’t made a move to follow Mark. ‘I might be using Lily as a guinea pig to try out my new pram but I promise you Harvey and I are fully trained up and by the time you get back she’ll be expecting you to pull her buggy along backwards too.’ Guide Dogs for the Blind had provided the training and the pram was one specifically approved by them. The purchase of the pram marked the first tangible steps Maggie had taken in preparing for her baby’s arrival and the sense of anticipation she felt as she looked forward to the day when she would be using it for her own baby was something she wasn’t used to, but she embraced it.
‘Don’t blame me if Lily drools all over it.’
‘Oh, don’t worry. I’ll make sure Baby Carter returns the favour when they’re fighting over toys.’
Jenny still hadn’t moved.
‘I won’t let you down,’ Maggie promised. ‘And James will be here too.’
‘Maggie, I trust you with my life and more importantly, with my baby. You’ll be the one taking charge whether James is here or not.’
‘So leave.’
Jenny gave Maggie a hug goodbye and then crouched down in front of the baby carrier. ‘It’s just that, for all my complaining about sleepless nights, I’m really going to miss her.’
‘Well, while you’re missing her, don’t forget to enjoy yourself. You’ve got a very important job interview coming up and you need time to de-stress.’
‘I don’t know why. I’m going to have to get used to stress if I do end up getting the promotion,’ Jenny answered miserably.
‘It’s a new challenge and you’ll enjoy it.’
‘Jenny, can we go now?’ Mark called.
There was a loud smacking sound as Jenny planted a kiss on her sleeping daughter’s cheek. ‘You be a good girl for your Auntie Mags,’ she whispered.
‘Erm, Maggie?’ It was James back in the living room. ‘Would you mind if I went with them to help out? Just until they’re ready to set off.’
‘And how exactly will you be helping?’ Maggie was smiling but her stomach twisted, crushing the butterflies and leaving nothing to hold back the wave of nausea. This was it. She was going to be left alone in charge of Lily and all of a sudden the self-doubt that had plagued her early pregnancy came back with a vengeance. She willed James to have second thoughts but she refused to ask him to stay.
‘Jack’s going to give Mark a crash course but if he has to rush off, I can stay around until he gets the hang of it.’
‘You went on one boating holiday when you were a teenager. That hardly qualifies you as an expert.’
‘It won’t take me long to get my sea legs back,’ he insisted.
‘OK, but try to remember it’s not your holiday. You’d better come back, James,’ Maggie replied, only just holding her nerve.
She remained standing in the middle of the living room as the front door closed. Peace came in the form of the soft sighs of a sleeping baby. Stepping around the newly constructed assault course, Maggie worked quickly and methodically, finding homes for all of Lily’s things, aware that she could wake up at any moment. Rather than follow her from room to room, Harvey stayed where he was. His baby training was paying off and he hadn’t once tried to lick Lily’s face or gnaw her toys but chose instead to sit and watch over her. The trust that Jenny had placed in Maggie extended to her faithful companion and deservedly so.
‘How’s she doing, boy?’ Maggie whispered once she had everything in order. Lily’s next drink of juice was ready and waiting in the fridge along with her lunch. A baby-sized spoon and bowl had been set out on the kitchen counter. Maggie had even prepared a changing area on the dining room floor with clean nappies at hand and a fresh set of clothes in case a quick change of outfit was required. There was nothing left to do except wait for Lily to wake.
Harvey licked Maggie’s hand but when she went to pet him, he had already turned his head back to Lily. Maggie followed suit and sat down on the sofa to be lulled by the sound of the baby’s steady breaths. Her nerves had all but disappeared. She was ready for anything, she told herself.
When the phone rang it cut through the silence and gave Maggie a start. She used one hand as leverage to heave herself up as quickly as she could while the other covered the rise of her stomach. Her baby objected to being disturbed and kicked her. Lily joined in and began to wriggle as she struggled into wakefulness.
Maggie scrambled out of the living room, pulling the door half closed before picking up the phone in the hallway. ‘Hello?’ she whispered.
‘Hi, Maggie – it’s Mel. I’m not disturbing you, am I?’
A frown furrowed Maggie’s brow and her anxiety returned with renewed force. ‘What’s wrong?’
‘Before I tell you, I need you to understand that it’s nothing to worry about,’ Mel explained carefully.
Maggie wasn’t reassured. ‘Is there something wrong with the baby?’
‘No, Maggie, nothing like that. Is James with you?’
‘No.’ Her voice was quivering now. ‘Mel, please, you’re scaring me.’
Her midwife began to explain, taking her time to go through what had happened. Maggie had the presence of mind to ask some pertinent questions but once she knew all there was to tell, she stopped listening to Mel’s continued assurances and focused instead on her growing anger and the voice inside her head repeatedly telling her that this wasn’t happening; it couldn’t be happening. Maggie’s ears pricked to Lily waking up in the next room, reminding her of the simple joys of motherhood that seemed more out of reach than ever. No longer able to deny what she was being told, Maggie was filled with such a feeling of cold dread that by the time she ended the call with Mel, Lily wasn’t the only one crying.
Lily was sitting in her baby recliner, kicking her legs as she drank her juice. She was old enough to hold her bottle by herself but kept dropping it onto the floor deliberately to make her new babysitter gasp. It might have entertained Lily but Maggie’s smile was forced, the curve of her mouth catching the tears slipping silently down her face.
Moving towards the window, she checked her watch. It was almost ten o’clock and her ears strained for the sound of a car pulling up. It was only when she heard the knock on the door she realised Kathy had chosen to walk the short distance between the salon and the house.
‘Sorry, Maggie, I tried to get away as soon as I could.’
The call she had received half an hour earlier had been fraught. Maggie had barely been able to speak but it hadn’t been the
sobbing that had frightened Kathy most, it had been the anger in her voice.
‘So what exactly happened?’ Kathy asked once they were sitting in the living room where Lily had been waiting noisily for someone to pick up her bottle.
Maggie swallowed hard but the lump wedged in her throat wouldn’t budge. ‘Mel’s been talking to someone from social services,’ she began but had to stop to take a breath. She felt woozy and willed herself to calm down but the fury only burned brighter as she explained to Kathy exactly what her midwife had told her: a social worker from the Child Protection Unit had been in touch. Mel had assured her that Maggie was receiving all the support she needed and there were absolutely no concerns, and the social worker had been satisfied with the response. Mel had hoped that would be the end of the matter and Maggie need never know but she had just received a copy letter from the social worker confirming the case was closed. The original was winging its way to Maggie.
If that had been all that Mel had told her then Maggie might have been able to keep things in perspective, but she knew that for Child Protection to be involved, someone had to think her baby was at risk and eventually Maggie had forced it out of her.
The inquiry had been triggered by a call made from a well-meaning member of the public who had been eager to share her concerns, one of which had been that the baby might be born with disabilities or might suffer learning difficulties as a result of being brought up by a disabled parent. The questions were familiar ones and Maggie had no doubt that the person asking them would be just as familiar to her.
‘I can’t believe how easily I’ve been fooled,’ Maggie said, her voice trembling. ‘I thought we’d turned a corner. Judith actually phoned me up this morning to wish me luck! Why has she done this, Kathy? How could she be so cruel?’
‘Maybe it wasn’t her,’ Kathy suggested.
‘There you go! I can tell straight away that you’re lying. Why couldn’t I see through her lies as easily?’ Her jaw was clenched but she couldn’t hold back the sob.
‘Have you phoned James yet?’
Where I Found You Page 21