Maggie shook her head. ‘He’ll still be playing on the boat and I don’t want Jenny to find out and worry. Oh my God, what if she gets into trouble for leaving Lily with me?’
Kathy took hold of Maggie’s trembling hand. ‘Maggie, think about it,’ she said firmly. ‘No one with any sense doubts your abilities and especially not social services. They’ve had enough dealings with you over the years, haven’t they? To support you, not condemn you. If they’ve had an inquiry then they have to follow it up but the case is already closed. You’ve been looking forward to having Lily over to stay so please don’t let this spoil anything. There’s no reason to change your plans. Enjoy your weekend, let Jenny enjoy hers and everything else can wait.’
Lily dropped her bottle on the floor again. It was empty and, without even thinking, Maggie picked it up and put it on a nearby table. From the same table, she picked up the baby’s comforter doll and dangled it in front of the recliner. Lily grasped it in her chubby fingers and pulled it to her with a contented chuckle. ‘I can’t look after her,’ Maggie whispered.
‘You’re a natural, Maggie. All you have to do is believe in yourself.’
Maggie gulped back another sob but the tears were already falling. ‘I can’t do it any more, Kathy. I’m sick of it. What’s the point in building myself up to do something when there are people queuing up to knock me down?’ In the distance, Maggie thought she heard the creak of the park gate. Where once she would immediately think of the park bench, now she thought only of the murky waters of the lake.
Kathy read her mind. ‘You’re scaring me, Maggie.’
‘I won’t do anything silly,’ she promised. ‘It’s just that … I just thought Judith had finally accepted me. I wish it didn’t matter but it does. Oh, God, Kathy, what’s James going to say?’
‘To his mum? Quite a lot I should think – I know I certainly will. Would you like me to hang around until he’s home?’
‘No, I’d rather speak to him on my own,’ Maggie said, taking a juddering breath as she tried to staunch her tears. ‘All I need you to do is take care of Lily.’
‘No.’
Maggie couldn’t hide the shock. ‘Please, Kathy, I need you to take her. This morning I was anxious about looking after her but now I’m downright terrified,’ Maggie said, her voice quaking. ‘What if something happens while she’s in my care? I can’t take that chance. I don’t want to end up on the “At Risk Register” or whatever it’s called before I’ve even given birth.’
‘That won’t happen.’
‘Please, Kathy,’ Maggie said and now her whole body was shaking. ‘Do you want me to beg? Because I will.’ Terrified that her friend might refuse again, she quickly added, ‘In fact I am begging you.’
There was a loud sigh. ‘I can’t believe Judith has reduced you to this. While I’m so glad I brought you and James together, I can’t help feeling I need to apologise for inflicting his mother on you.’ She paused a moment and then said, ‘I suppose the salon could do without me for the rest of the day. That gives you time to explain everything to James and decide what you want to do. But I’m afraid I have far too much to do this weekend already so looking after Lily for three days is simply out of the question. If you’re not prepared to stand and fight then you’re going to have to call off what will probably be Jenny and Mark’s last chance to have a break for a very long time. And who knows what kind of stress that will put on their marriage?’
Relieved that the immediate problem of Lily’s care had been taken care of and in spite of her tears, Maggie felt the sides of her mouth twitch in response to Kathy’s brazen manipulation. ‘That was a bit harsh. What is it that’s keeping you so busy anyway? I know you’re not working in the salon over the weekend.’
‘Oh, the simple matter of buying one house and clearing out another two.’
‘Your mum’s agreed to the move?’
‘She’s still dragging her heels but after taking her around to see the granny flat she’s started to show a bit more interest. I have to go over tomorrow to sort through the mountains of paperwork she and Dad have accumulated over the years. Most of it is to do with the property business so that means I’ll probably end up bringing it all home. So much for me downsizing.’
‘But you could still look after Lily until then,’ Maggie said desperately.
‘I’ll take her for the rest of the day but no more. Speak to James and let me know when you’re ready to pick her up. Tonight,’ Kathy added firmly.
‘But …’
‘I’m just telling you how it is,’ Kathy said with a dismissive sniff. ‘Oh dear, I think someone needs changing! You can do this one and show me how it’s done.’
‘You really don’t take any prisoners, do you?’ Maggie remarked.
‘Sorry.’
Maggie groaned as she stood up to see to Lily. ‘It’s not for you to apologise, Kath, but we both know who should.’
Maggie didn’t know which way to turn, so she stood staring at the front door long after Kathy had left. The house felt empty but it wasn’t Lily’s departure that had opened up a gaping hole in her life; that had already been created by a human version of a wrecking ball.
All her preparations from earlier that morning had been swept away. What Kathy hadn’t taken with her had been piled into a store cupboard ready to be collected by whoever was going to take over Lily’s care. Kathy was still holding out hope that Maggie would change her mind but in stark contrast, Maggie held out no hope at all, in anything.
Maggie couldn’t bring herself to return to the living room, or the kitchen, or the dining room where even the faintest hint of Lily’s chamomile and calendula baby lotion would set off her emotions again. With nowhere else to turn, she fled to her bedroom and almost made it to her refuge before stubbing her toe on the corner of the bed. The howl of pain quickly escalated into a scream, first through gritted teeth and then at full force. When the last ounce of air had been ripped from her lungs, she collapsed onto the bed and wrapped the bedspread around her. Harvey jumped up next to her and his wet nose sought out her face, which was buried in a pillow. When she didn’t respond, he lay down quietly by her side.
Maggie was barely aware of the dog, wasn’t even aware of the throbbing pain in her toe. She was, however, conscious of the bedspread that cocooned her. She and her mum had made the quilt together in preparation for moving into her new home with James. It had been made from a series of six-inch squares in a variety of materials with different designs to create depth and texture but, more importantly, it was made from love. Exhausted by the barrage of thoughts and emotions that had assaulted her, the quilt gave her an escape route into the relative safety of the past and eventually lulled her into a fitful sleep.
In her dream, Maggie was riding her friend’s bike through the park. She could hear the wheels whirring and the sound of her mum running behind. Joan was calling out instructions, mostly to Maggie but occasionally to pedestrians who dared to get in her daughter’s way. ‘You’re doing it on your own!’ she shouted. Maggie’s heart soared but then she veered off course onto grass and the crunch of gravel was replaced by ominous silence. The bike began to judder as it hit potholes and Maggie reached behind her in panic. She touched her mum’s arm – which had been holding the bike upright all along. The shock made Maggie cry out and as she felt herself fall she heard a door slam and woke with a start. James was home.
Without saying a word, James took off his boots in the hallway and then shuffled off into the kitchen. Maggie huddled deeper under the quilt. He would have noticed that the pram was missing and assumed that impatience had got the better of his wife and she had gone out with Lily. Harvey was the one to take charge and the thud as he dropped down off the bed was loud enough to be heard downstairs.
‘Maggie? Is that you?’
She felt sick to her stomach. It might only have been an illusion but life had been good in the last few weeks, she had belonged to a family again. She really didn’t want to do this
and a fresh wave of despair washed over her as she felt more alone than ever. She tried to draw herself tighter into a ball but her bump made bringing her knees any closer to her chest impossible.
James crept into the bedroom then stumbled to a stop. ‘Where’s Lily?’
Maggie rubbed her face and the salty flakes of dried tears stung her eyes. She took a deep breath and held it as long as she could but the time for prevarication was over. ‘Kathy’s taken her for the day.’
‘Jesus, Maggie, what’s wrong? Is it the baby?’ James asked as he rushed to her side.
As James wrapped her in his arms, Maggie could feel the tension in his body. ‘The baby’s fine, I’m fine,’ she said. ‘I’ve had a call from Mel and before I tell you, I need you to promise me that you’ll stay calm.’
‘What’s happened?’ James asked, his voice confirming he was already far from calm.
She tried to massage the back of his neck but his flesh was as hard as iron. ‘There’s been some interest from social services into my case.’ Maggie paused long enough to let the idea that she had become a case sink in for both of them. ‘Someone has expressed concern and it was referred to Child Protection.’
‘Someone?’
‘A concerned citizen. I don’t know who, I doubt we would ever be told but,’ Maggie added, ‘Mel assured me that it was only an informal inquiry and she isn’t expecting it to go any further.’
‘A concerned citizen,’ James repeated under his breath.
Maggie didn’t reply. She wanted James to reach his own conclusions. It was more than Judith deserved but if this was going to destroy James’s trust in his mother, it would be because of Judith’s actions and not her own.
‘And what was this citizen so concerned about?’
‘She was worried that I wouldn’t be able to take care of the baby properly.’
‘She?’
‘Or he,’ Maggie added lamely.
‘Yes, of course. And what exactly were her concerns?’
Maggie shrugged. ‘I can’t remember.’
The blatant lie only served to confirm the truth and James didn’t need to push her further on the subject. ‘But I still don’t understand. Why has Kathy taken Lily?’
‘Mel may have convinced the social worker that I’m capable of caring for a child but what if something happened to Lily this weekend?’ Maggie said, the panic rising in her voice. ‘I’d never be trusted with a baby again and I won’t take that kind of risk. I know it’s stupid but I can’t shake this vision of a social worker being there at the birth, ready to snatch my baby from me.’
‘You’re not stupid, Maggie. I’m the one who’s been an idiot all these years,’ James said. As he pulled away from her, she knew the anger tensing his body was begging to be released and a different kind of fear bloomed inside her.
‘Please, James. Let’s sit down and talk this through.’
He kissed the top of her head, the gentleness of his lips a stark contrast to the steel in his voice. ‘We will, but first I need to make a quick call.’
James stormed out of the room and when he ran downstairs it sounded like a rumble of thunder. Maggie abandoned her quilt and ran after him with Harvey in hot pursuit.
‘Wait,’ she said as she caught up with him. She grabbed his arm as he was reaching for the phone in the living room.
‘I’ll never forgive her for this.’
‘There’ll be an explanation, there has to be,’ Maggie said. She was trying to sound stronger than she felt, but without warning she burst into tears. She had detected Lily’s sweet baby smells still hanging in the air.
‘I have to do this. Please, Maggie,’ James said, each word breaking his heart a little more. His hands were shaking as he led her very gently into the hallway before returning to the living room. Maggie rested her head on the door he had closed behind him and listened as he picked up the phone.
‘What the hell have you done?’ he asked.
There was a short pause but probably not long enough for Judith to give any kind of answer.
‘I know you’ve been in touch with social services. What in God’s name did you think you were doing?’
Maggie willed Judith to deny it. She didn’t want to believe that the last few weeks had been a lie. She didn’t want to consider that Judith had stepped closer into her world only to be better positioned to raze it to the ground. But with James’s next response all remaining doubt was removed.
‘I don’t give a damn what your intentions were! You may not have meant to cause harm but you have. No, Mum, it doesn’t matter. I don’t want to hear it. I’ve spent thirty-five years letting you interfere in my life but it stops here and now. I don’t want you anywhere near my family. Stay away from me and stay away from Maggie. Stay away, Mum.’
There was only a soft beep as James ended the call but he didn’t replace the phone in its cradle immediately. Maggie imagined him standing only feet away, lost and bereft. She wished she could go to him but the confirmation of Judith’s betrayal had felt like a punch to the stomach. If James didn’t hear Maggie drop to her knees he certainly heard Harvey bark an alert and the next thing she knew they were both at her side. Rather than try to lift her up, James sank to the floor next to her and she clung to him.
‘I want my mum,’ she whispered, managing somehow to smile at her vulnerability.
‘I know.’
‘For a while there I thought maybe your mum could …’
‘I know, Maggie, but she’s no one’s mum, not any more.’
‘You’re really prepared to do this?’
She heard him put a hand over his face, his words muffled as he spoke. ‘I won’t deny it’s killing me. My mum has been an indomitable force in my life for so long, always made me feel protected and safe.’
‘That’s what mums do.’
James straightened his back and he sounded resolute when he said, ‘Not now. Do you want to spend the rest of your life worrying about what other schemes she might be thinking up to come between us?’
‘No, I don’t but …’ Maggie began, not sure where her thoughts were leading her. What she wanted was impossible. She wished the call from Mel had never happened or, for that matter, the call Judith had made to social services; she wanted that feeling of hope for the future again, a future where Judith would be there to lend a motherly hand if called upon. ‘I can’t do this on my own.’
‘You’re not on your own.’
‘OK, I don’t want us to do this on our own. I’m scared, James. I’m scared you’re rushing into this decision and one day you’ll regret it and, worse still, resent me.’
‘I’m scared too but if I regret anything it’s that I didn’t see this sooner. I said I’d look after you and that’s what I’m going to do.’ James placed a hand on her wet cheek and lifted her head towards him. ‘The tears end here,’ he said.
While Maggie put her faith in her husband and dried her tears, James worked out a plan. ‘And the first thing we’re going to do is prove to ourselves as much as anyone else that we can do this. We’re going to pick up Lily.’
‘But …’
James silenced her with a gentle kiss. When she tried to object a second time, he kissed her again.
He pulled away, his lips still hovering over hers. ‘No buts. You were perfectly capable of looking after her this morning and nothing, absolutely nothing, has happened to change that. I’m going to keep on kissing you, Maggie, until I get what I want.’
Maggie felt a rush of love that didn’t quite wash away the pain but it eased her fears enough to agree. ‘But not right this minute,’ she said. ‘I need you to hold me a little longer.’ When he leaned in to kiss her again, Maggie hungrily met his lips. As they held on to each other, she was aware of their unborn child nestled safely between them. She knew it was time to stop looking for a replacement mother figure in her life. There was no pretence at independence now; this was it. With James as her foundation, she was the only mother her baby needed and that would
have to be enough for her too.
19
When Maggie entered the salon, the scent of flowers cut through the warm air, vanquishing the less appealing smells of hairspray and singed hair. From the rustle of cellophane Maggie guessed there was someone standing at reception with a bouquet.
Her first thought was that Judith was standing there, but when Harvey shivered in excitement and wagged his tail ferociously, Maggie relaxed her guard. ‘They smell nice,’ she said.
‘They’re for you,’ Jenny replied.
An unscathed Lily had been handed over to her parents the previous evening, but even after a lie-in that morning, Maggie was still exhausted. Lily had missed her parents and her chosen form of protest had been to cry – and she had cried a lot, mostly during the night. She refused to be soothed by either Maggie or James, so they had been forced to call in the cavalry. It would seem that Harvey had the same winning charm with Lily as he’d had with Liam and Sam and even Maggie was forced to admit that, between the three of them, they had made the perfect team.
‘Thank you but you really didn’t have to. It was a pleasure having Lily and she wasn’t a bit of bother.’ Maggie took the bouquet and buried her nose in soft petals. She picked up the soft pink of rose, the citrus orange of geranium, a sprinkling of lavender blue and deep green grass. The flowers had been carefully chosen by someone who knew how to colour her world.
‘However, I do have a bone to pick with you,’ Jenny added. ‘Why didn’t you tell me about the call from Mel?’
The rainbow began to fade as Maggie lifted her head. ‘I didn’t want to worry you.’
‘Should I be worried?’
Maggie shrugged. ‘The letter from social services arrived this morning and no, there’s nothing to worry about. As always, there’s plenty of support on offer but thankfully no suspicions. The only lasting damage is James’s relationship with his mum.’
‘How’s he taking it?’ Kathy asked, returning to the reception desk from the main salon just in time to catch the gist of the conversation.
‘Badly,’ Maggie answered candidly. James’s initial anger had been the precursor for a whole raft of emotions, the latest being guilt. He was ashamed of himself for allowing his mum’s rejection of Maggie to go unchecked for so long. He had left other people to deal with her in the past but he was determined to prove to his wife that he had changed. ‘He’s refusing to answer any of Judith’s calls and I really can’t see him forgiving her any time soon.’
Where I Found You Page 22