‘No!’ Elsie cried out and recoiled from Kathy as if she meant to harm her. ‘No one would have loved her more than me. She was mine. I would have kept her safe if I’d been given the chance.’
Elsie was pushing her weight against Maggie, her body shaking, but she wasn’t the only one who had become agitated. Aiden was four weeks old and Maggie could already distinguish between his different cries. He wasn’t hungry but he was uncomfortable and either needed changing or winding. She couldn’t and wouldn’t ignore him. When she stood up, Elsie squeezed into the space she had vacated but at least she had stayed seated.
Maggie picked up Aiden and cradled him in an upright position. He was trying to lift his head from her shoulder as she patted his back. There were a couple of polite belches in quick succession. ‘There you go. That’s better, isn’t it?’
With Aiden comforted, Maggie began rocking him in her arms, all the while aware of the two women sitting on the bench. They sat in stony silence and it was enough to try her patience. ‘Elsie, are you ready to meet your daughter?’
There was a gasp of excitement and Maggie realised her mistake too late.
The cold had seeped into her bones and Elsa couldn’t stop shivering. Her fingers brushed across her woollen coat, expecting it to be dripping wet but it was bone dry. She had no idea how much time had passed since she had been pulled from the lake, long enough for her clothes to dry out but not for her heart to heal. She could remember Aunt Flo appearing at one point but she had been on her own and Elsa’s arms had remained achingly empty. But she was going to carry on waiting, forever if necessary, holding out for a miracle. And then it happened.
Elsa couldn’t believe her eyes when the woman appeared in front of her cradling Tess in her arms. Her baby was wrapped in a white blanket and she could see her tiny hands reaching up towards the woman’s face, little fingers grasping the air.
‘Can I hold her?’ Elsa asked. Her voice was tremulous but she was giddy with excitement.
The woman froze and for one heart-stopping moment Elsa thought she was going to turn away.
‘Please,’ she begged.
When the tiny bundle of wriggling arms and legs was offered into her outstretched arms, the joy Elsa felt was almost too much to bear but she willed herself to remain calm. She wanted this moment to be perfect and did her best to ignore the other woman sidling up closer, hemming her in.
‘It’s all right,’ she said and helped tuck the blanket around the baby. ‘I’m only making sure you’re both comfortable.’
Elsa turned to look at the woman. There was something about her face that reminded her of Celia. She had the same eyes and Elsa returned a tentative smile.
With some relief, the lady standing in front of her took a step back. Her escape was clear but Elsa stayed where she was. Her arms were full and her heart fit to burst. She tried not to cry so she could absorb every detail of her daughter’s features but the tears were already blurring her vision. Her finger trembled as she traced the side of her baby’s face. ‘You have no idea how long I’ve dreamt of this moment,’ she said in a hoarse whisper.
Elsa recalled the last time she had held her baby and the full force of that memory took her breath away in a shuddering gasp. She couldn’t survive having her wrenched from her arms again.
‘Don’t worry,’ the woman next to her said. ‘You’re both safe.’
Elsa inhaled the sweet scent of lilacs, still not quite believing this was really happening. ‘Is she mine to keep?’ she asked, her lip quivering at the possibility.
The woman shook her head and a rogue tear trickled down her cheek. She looked as if she was going to say something else but her words faltered and Elsa turned back to the baby. She didn’t think she could speak either, but she knew she must. She already knew what she had to say, she had rehearsed it often enough.
‘Oh, my sweet, sweet baby girl. I should never have let you go. I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.’
She had to stop to catch her breath and rein in her emotions. This was her one and only chance and she had to get it right. Leaning forward, she kissed Tess gently on the forehead. She breathed her in then tried again.
‘I’ve never stopped loving you or thinking about you, not for one second. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret giving you up – I should have found a way to keep you; I should have fought harder. You have a right to hate me because I hate myself. I was all on my own, you see. Once I’d lost Freddie there was no one else. Celia couldn’t help and my mum and dad would have disowned me. But still …’ The baby stretched her hand towards her as if to offer comfort but Elsa wouldn’t be consoled. ‘I was a silly girl, I know that – your dad was my downfall, Tess, but I was his willing victim. We made all kinds of plans to see the world together on the back of his motorbike but then he left for Germany and I thought he’d forget all about me. I couldn’t believe it when he said he was going to come back and marry me.’
‘But he didn’t come back for you, did he?’
Elsa tore her eyes away briefly from the baby to glare at the woman next to her. ‘You make it sound like it was his choice.’
Tess wriggled in her arms as if she knew her father would never hold her and Elsa began to rock her, coaxing her back to sleep with gentle words that belied the pain rending her heart in two.
‘I joked once that your dad was more interested in his bike than he was in me and it was the bike that won in the end. After he died, though, I couldn’t bear the thought of losing you. But I left it too late, Tess. I was in labour when I tried to run away and goodness knows what I thought I was doing. Like I said, I was a silly girl and I panicked. I would have kept you inside me forever if I could, but you came into the world kicking and screaming. I think you knew what I was about to do and it was your way of shouting at me to grow a backbone. I should have listened to you instead of Anne and Aunt Flo. I’m sorry, Tess. I let you down.’
The baby had drifted off to sleep but Elsa still had one last thing to say and it was going to be the hardest.
‘I want you to be happy and more than anything I want you to be loved. Anne has a good heart and she’ll bring you up as her own,’ Elsa said as the tears rolled down her cheeks, unchecked now. ‘But I’ll never know for sure. I’ll never know if I’m doing the right thing.’
The woman put an arm around Elsa’s shoulder and the other around the baby. ‘You did the right thing, Elsa. Tess was happy and she was loved. Very much.’
Elsa wailed as she tried to wriggle free. ‘Get away from me! Get away! I’m not ready to let her go! I’m not ready!’
Horrified, the woman shrank back and for a moment the shadows that had been hovering around Elsa and her baby were pushed away. She looked at the baby’s face, her closed eyes flickering across a dreamscape. Did she dream of those precious minutes she had spent in her mother’s arms on the day she was born? Elsa dreamt of them: over and over again.
The shadows returned as the second woman stepped closer. All Elsa had ever wanted was to have one single moment alone with Tess, just the two of them. Was that too much to ask?
‘I can’t … I can’t … I can’t,’ she began to repeat as her grip tightened on the baby. ‘I can’t do this again. Please, I’m begging you.’
The woman in front of her leant down and rested her hands on each side of the bench, penning her in. Any moment now her daughter would be wrenched from her arms and she would never hold her again. Elsa let out a painful mewl that sounded like a trapped animal. She craned her neck to look past the woman, searching desperately for a means of escape. At first it was the wide expanse of water that drew her in but then a flash of white caught her attention and her heart skipped a beat. The swans had returned! If they could find their way back then maybe Freddie would too. What if he hadn’t died? What if it had all been a terrible mistake? But the flicker of white disappeared and all she could see was the lonely figure of an old man at the side of the lake. He turned towards her and Elsa saw the flicker of white again. It
was a cotton handkerchief and it flapped in the breeze: there were no swans, she knew now, no hope. As she felt her mind pulling her towards the watery abyss her eyes remained focused on the fluttering white sail.
Elsa watched as the man wiped his eyes. He looked towards her and caught her in his gaze. The decades that had passed since the birth of her first child paraded across her mind and the memories came flooding back.
When Maggie had crouched down in front of Elsie her first priority had been to protect Aiden. It was only when she was satisfied that Elsie wasn’t going to make a bid for freedom that she turned her attention back to the problem at hand. How on earth was she was going to salvage anything from this?
‘Elsa?’
‘Where am I?’
Maggie was now an expert at reading Elsie’s voice and sensed that her mind was releasing her from the past, but her relief was short-lived.
‘I don’t think I can bear this any longer,’ Kathy said. ‘Ted’s on his way over to help. I’m sorry, Maggie, I can’t stay.’
The raw pain in her voice tore at Maggie’s heart. She had made such a mess of everything. She had drawn Kathy into an emotional maelstrom where she didn’t know who she was any more, and in a bitter twist of fate, neither did her birth mother. The meeting had become more painful than anyone could have imagined and one that Kathy would be unwilling to repeat. This was Elsa’s one and only chance to be reunited with her baby.
‘Please, Kathy, stay. I think we’re nearly there,’ Maggie begged.
Kathy didn’t answer but Maggie heard her settle back in her seat, signalling that she was willing to stay a little longer at least. Maggie dug her fingernails deep into the painted surface of the bench. ‘Elsie, you’re in Victoria Park in Sedgefield.’
‘The swans have gone,’ Elsie said, sniffing away her tears absent-mindedly.
‘They were never here. Your mind has been playing tricks on you.’
‘You can say that again,’ Elsie said with a gentle chuckle. ‘Where did this baby come from?’
‘This is my son, Aiden.’
‘Oh, yes. You’re the blind girl who’s pregnant, aren’t you?’
‘Yes, I’m Maggie and I’m still blind but I’m not pregnant any more,’ she said with a smile.
‘He’s a beauty.’
‘Yes, he is, isn’t he? But if you don’t mind, I’d like us to have some time on our own. Do you mind if Ted takes him for a little walk?’ She had heard Ted approach. ‘Kathy, could you put Aiden in his pram and show Ted how it works?’
Kathy stood up and put a hand on Maggie’s shoulder. ‘Don’t panic, I’ll come back,’ she said with grim resolve.
Elsie didn’t complain as she relinquished the baby, hesitating only long enough to hold his hand one last time. ‘Sweet dreams, precious one,’ she whispered.
While Ted and Kathy fussed around the baby, Maggie remained crouching in front of Elsie. She wanted to be the anchor that would keep her fixed in the present, for the next few minutes at least.
‘He’s a beauty,’ Elsie repeated.
‘You and I are good friends, aren’t we?’
‘Yes, I think so,’ she said, a little less sure of herself.
‘Well, I know we are, and you’ve told me all about your time here in Sedgefield.’ She was repeating herself, but this time she was more determined than ever to fight through the fog that inveigled Elsie’s thoughts. She paused to give Elsie a chance to digest what she was being told. ‘You told me your secrets.’
Elsie cleared her throat. ‘Yes.’
Maggie wasn’t convinced. ‘Elsie, you’re not well. You forget things and you get confused but sometimes you’re aware of how ill you are.’
Elsie obliged with another confirmation but again without conviction.
‘You promised me something, Elsie. You said you would find your way back if I found Tess for you but so far you’re letting me down,’ she said, emphasising each word with growing passion. ‘Do you remember telling me that? Were you lying when you said you would fight your way back for Tess? Have you stopped caring about her?’ Her voice broke at the last and her fingernails screamed out in pain as she dug them deeper into the wood in an effort to connect with Elsie.
‘Yes.’
‘Yes, you’ve stopped caring or yes, you remember?’
Maggie felt as if her chest was about to explode as she waited for Elsie’s answer. She could hear the pram being pushed away and the click of Harvey’s claws. Her own baby was in safe hands whilst Elsa’s child was now standing behind her, holding her breath.
‘Of course I haven’t stopped caring. I’ll never stop missing Tess, not until I draw my last breath.’
‘Or we find her,’ added Maggie.
Elsie’s body stiffened but her voice was timorous as if she expected to shatter into a thousand pieces. ‘You’ve found Tess?’
The goose bumps exploded across every inch of Maggie’s skin and the shiver tingling down her neck and spine was electrifying. ‘Yes, Elsie, I’ve found her.’ The words gushed out as a sob and it was only when Elsie cupped her trembling hands around Maggie’s face that the power of speech returned. ‘It’s 2013 and you’re eighty-two years old. Your baby is all grown up now.’
‘She’s practically an old lady, then,’ Elsie said with a laugh that was shared a moment later with her daughter.
Maggie’s body had tensed so much that standing up was a painful process but once on her feet she held out her hand to Elsie. ‘Would you like to join me?’
‘I might need some help getting up too,’ Elsie warned.
Maggie kept Elsie’s hand firmly in hers and when all three women were standing together she took hold of Kathy’s too.
‘Anne Walters has taken care of your baby for sixty years and she did an amazing job. You don’t have to feel guilty any longer because your daughter did very well for herself and she has led a very happy life surrounded by people who love her. You can be very proud of your daughter.’
‘Can we get in touch with her? All I want is one last chance to tell her that I never stopped loving her, just one. Would that be too much to ask?’ There was desperation in Elsie’s voice, as if she was already preparing to be told it was as impossible now as it always had been.
‘I think she already knows.’
Only rarely did Maggie miss her sight but there had been two such occasions in the last month. The first had been at the birth of her son and the second was now. She couldn’t see the looks on Elsie and Kathy’s faces so had to make do with the sensation of bringing two trembling hands together.
‘This is Tess, Elsie.’
‘No, you can’t be my baby,’ Elsie gasped, snapping her hand away as if she had received an electric shock.
Maggie didn’t panic. She could read Elsie’s voice perfectly and the old lady wasn’t rejecting her daughter, she was simply awestruck. Kathy meanwhile thought the worst and let out a sob.
‘Oh, my beautiful girl,’ Elsie whispered, reaching her hand towards Kathy again. ‘Don’t cry.’
Maggie wanted to savour the moment but she knew she was intruding. ‘I’ll leave you alone with your daughter, Elsie.’
Stepping away, Maggie was riding on such a high that she almost walked straight into the lake. She sensed the vast expanse of water in front of her but the gnawing fear of its murky depths had vanished. She and Elsa were safe now. With nothing to fear, Maggie used the sound of sobbing on one side of her and the benign lap of water on the other to find her bearings. Without the benefit of a cane or her guide dog, she relied on her intimate knowledge of the park to remove herself from the scene and grant Elsie her longed-for wish of having Tess all to herself.
There was the sound of approaching wheels accompanied by the regular click of claws and Maggie waited for her own reunion. ‘How’s it going?’ Ted asked.
‘Better than I thought it would at one point. Elsie knows who Kathy is now and that she’s found Tess. She really knows it, Ted.’ The curve of her smile was collecti
ng the tears that were falling freely but other than the ache in her cheeks, she barely noticed.
‘You do realise that she’ll have forgotten it all by the time we’ve stepped out of the park, don’t you?’
‘I know,’ Maggie replied, refusing to let her smile falter. ‘But even if her illness takes that memory from her, Kathy will remember for the two of them.’
‘Your friend’s a formidable lady, isn’t she?’
Maggie laughed. ‘It should have been obvious that she and Elsie were related. But it’s going to be hard for her to come to terms with everything that’s happened in the last few weeks.’
‘It’s such a shame she never got to know Elsie when she was … Elsie.’
‘I think that’s where you come in. You can help fill in the gaps.’
‘I’ll do as much as I can and the rest of the family can help too, once they know.’
Elsie’s other daughters had yet to be told that they had another sister and only time would tell how they would take the news. She hoped that if Kathy were to be denied ever truly knowing her mother she would at least have a chance to know her sisters.
‘Did I do the right thing?’ she asked.
It was too much to hope that Elsie’s mind would free her from the pain and guilt she had carried around for sixty years – her life had become too entrenched in the past to release her completely – so Maggie would have to look to others for confirmation that it had all been worth it in the end.
‘Elsa would think so,’ Ted said.
‘Yes, she would.’ There was still a half smile on Maggie’s face as she wondered if there would be times to come when she could sit with the woman who called herself Elsa and tell her what the future held. But then the smile faded. ‘Would she want to know everything, do you think?’
‘Everything?’
Maggie had been reaching out to take hold of the pram but she found Ted’s arm and held on to it. ‘Freddie wasn’t the hero we all thought he was, Ted.’
Where I Found You Page 33