by Joan Kilby
“Will Steve be at the dance?”
Summer froze. “Why?”
“Just curious. He seems like a nice boy. Do you still like him?”
“You didn’t tell Dad about him, did you?”
“No, but you’re fourteen. Isn’t that old enough to have a boyfriend? That’s how old I was when I started going out with Leif.”
Summer kicked at a clump of grass with the toe of her riding boot and asked casually, “How old were you when you first slept with him?”
Hayley’s instincts went on alert. She didn’t discuss her private life with her clients, but if sharing her experiences might help Summer open up it would be worthwhile.
“Old enough. Or so I thought at the time.” In hindsight fifteen and a half seemed young. Modulating her voice to hide her concern, she asked, “Have you slept with Steve?”
Summer hesitated, a telling pause. Then she snorted. “As if. Thirteen’s way too young to have sex. That’s what I think, anyway. I’m more interested in horses.”
“I happen to agree. But I thought you were fourteen.”
“I meant fourteen,” Summer said quickly. “I get mixed up because my birthday wasn’t that long ago.” She started to put on the safety vest and hard hat.
“Sure.” Hayley eased off. There was nothing to be gained by pressing too hard. But either Summer was genuinely mixed up, or else she and Steve had had sex a year ago. Thirteen was definitely too young, in Hayley’s opinion. Summer certainly seemed to regret it, if that was what really happened. Had she been coerced?
“Before we start, tell me how you’ve been coping with school and life in general since our last session.”
Summer shrugged. “Okay, I guess. Sometimes not so good.”
“Sounds like you’re more aware of your feelings, though.”
“Hmm, yeah, sort of.”
Hayley was used to working with teens. Patience was a virtue when it came to extracting information. “Can you think of any occasions when you felt angry or anxious and were able to use the techniques I taught you to calm yourself down?”
Summer cast her eyes skyward as she thought. “When we were at the café and Steve came in. He was pissing me off. So was Dad. You reminded me to breathe. That helped.”
“Why were you annoyed at Steve?”
“He keeps calling me. I told him to stop months ago.”
“Don’t you like him anymore?”
Summer made an impatient movement. “Can’t we get started?”
“In a minute. I’d like to hear more about Steve. He gave you that figurine. That was nice of him. He seems to care about you.”
Summer kicked at the grass again, scowling.
“Do you have mixed feelings about him?”
Her head shot up. “Yeah, I have mixed feelings,” she said angrily. “He’s the reason my horse, Bailey, died.”
Hayley frowned. “What do you mean?”
“Bailey didn’t get scared and jump the fence. Steve rode him home from here the morning of the bushfires. He went through an area that was burning. Someone came by in a car. He left Bailey and went with them.” Tears rolled down Summer’s cheeks. “He just let Bailey go, hoping he would come back home. Bailey never made it.”
“I don’t understand. Why did Steve have to ride your horse? Why couldn’t your Mom or his parents have driven him home?”
Summer pressed her lips together, her eyes and cheeks wet. “No one knew he was here.”
Ah. Hayley thought she got it now. “What time of morning did he leave?” Silence. “Tell me. I won’t judge.”
Summer’s chin set at a defiant angle. “Just before dawn.”
“So he spent the night with you. Did you two—?”
“We did it once and that was it,” she said angrily. “If you tell my dad, I’m never going to talk to you again. I’ll tell him the horse therapy isn’t working and he’ll send you away. You’ll never see him again.”
Sooner or later, most of Hayley’s clients turned their aggression and fears on her. But this time it was personal. She didn’t believe Adam would send her away on Summer’s word, but she couldn’t let Summer try to manipulate the situation.
She cared about the girl. And only a few minutes ago Summer had showed she cared about Hayley. But she’d been hurt somehow and perhaps used, and she had feelings she didn’t know what to do with. Hayley knew all this with a bone-deep certainty, because she saw herself staring at her out of Summer’s anguished eyes.
The summer she was fifteen, Leif had charmed, coaxed and cajoled Hayley into having sex with him even though she wasn’t emotionally ready. She’d tried to get him to wait, but he’d been determined.
“It’s all right, you know,” she said softly. “Whatever happened, you’re still a good person and worthwhile. Did he pressure you?”
Summer cried harder. “No. I wanted to do it. But Bailey’s death is all my fault. If I hadn’t slept with Steve, he would’ve left earlier and my horse would still be alive. Steve keeps calling and saying he loves me. But I hate him. I don’t know what to do.”
“Do you hate him?” Hayley paused. “Or do you hate yourself because you feel guilty for having sex so young? And for Bailey dying?”
Summer didn’t answer. A second ticked by. Then another. And another. Finally, she whispered, “Yes.”
Hayley put her arms around the girl and just held her, trying to absorb her grief and draw it out. “Neither you nor Steve are to blame for Bailey dying. You couldn’t have known what would happen.”
“The day was predicted to be an extreme fire danger day.”
“The weather bureau is sometimes wrong. And you can’t accurately predict which way the wind will gust and carry the embers. There are so many variables. You just don’t know.”
“I smelled smoke in the air that morning, when Steve left.” Summer eased back, misery all over her face. “I knew there was a fire somewhere. And then Steve just abandoned Bailey out in the forest.”
“You wouldn’t have wanted him to stay with the horse and maybe both would have been killed, would you?”
“N-n-no.” Summer’s bottom lip trembled.
“Oh, sweetheart.” Hayley brushed away a strand of red hair that had gotten stuck to Summer’s cheek by tears. “You’ve got to stop beating yourself up over this. Seriously. I’m glad you told me. I know you feel miserable right now, but later, when you’ve had a chance to reflect, you’ll see things from a different perspective.”
“There’s something else,” Summer mumbled, her gaze dropping. “We didn’t use protection.”
Hayley did a quick mental calculation. The fires had been nearly twelve months ago. “You didn’t get pregnant, did you?”
“No, but...I’ve been worried ever since that I might have gotten...a disease.”
“Do you have any symptoms?”
Summer turned redder and shook her head.
“Well, it’s not likely you caught anything. Did you ask Steve if he had any STDs?”
“God, no.” Summer looked horrified at the thought.
“Did you see a doctor?”
More shakes of the head. “I’m on my dad’s Medicare card. He would see the bill and ask what it was about.”
“Couldn’t you have talked to your mom?”
“She had no time for me,” Summer said bitterly. “She was too busy fooling around with—” The girl broke off, wincing.
There was an awkward silence. “It’s okay,” Hayley said. “I know.”
“My mom shouldn’t have done that.” Summer looked mortified. “I’m so, so sorry.”
“I’m sorry, too.” She wiped at the sudden moisture in her eyes. Then laughed ruefully. “We’re a sorry pair, aren’t we?”
Summer sniffed and then smiled a l
ittle. “Yeah, we are.”
Hayley hugged her again and left her arm around Summer’s waist. “I’m sure there’s nothing wrong with you. But for your own peace of mind, I can take you to a clinic where no questions will be asked. How does that sound?”
“Good.” Summer wiped her arm across her eyes. “Thanks.”
“Okay, now how would you like to work with Asha today?”
“Oh, yes, but I thought she was too hard to handle.”
“I’d like you to try her in the lunge ring. You got Major’s confidence the last time—you can do this. You’ll need to work even harder, dig deeper, to be calm enough to be a leader to Asha. It will hopefully speed up your therapy.”
“That sounds good.”
Hayley banged on the fence with the oat bucket and the horses lifted their heads from grazing. Asha trotted over, neck arched and silver mane flowing.
“Hello, you greedy thing.” Hayley stroked the dapple-gray face plunged into the bucket and snapped the lead to the ring on her halter. She spread the rest of the oats on the ground for the other horses and led the spirited mare out of the paddock and across to the ring. There she turned her loose. Asha trotted off to the opposite side.
“Go on in,” Hayley said to Summer. “You know what to do.”
“Aren’t you coming in with me?”
“Not this time. I’ll be right outside the fence. I can get over in two seconds flat if you need me. But you won’t.”
Summer went into the ring. Asha immediately raised her head. She was a very different prospect from gentle old Major. The girl started slapping the leather reins against her thigh and slowly approached the skittish mare. Asha danced away, tail high, twisting her neck and blowing through her nose.
“Stay calm and centered,” Hayley called over the fence. “Don’t forget your shoulders. Don’t forget to breathe.” She climbed onto the middle rung in case she needed to vault over at a moment’s notice.
Maybe she should be in the ring, but Summer had gained in confidence since the last session, both in herself and in the horses. Hayley wanted to see how much she’d grown. She also wanted to see something else....
Asha ran away, snorting and kicking. Summer followed, steadily slapping the reins. Asha cantered along the outside of the ring, her hooves occasionally flicking the wooden boards of the fence.
Finally the time came.
“Turn around and drop your head,” Hayley said.
Summer did so. At this point when Hayley tried working with Asha, the horse always ran away, bucking and tossing her head. Today, she slowed to a trot, then a walk. Then she moved toward Summer’s slight figure with her head bowed.
So that was the way it was. Hayley had tears in her eyes, partly of joy for the girl, partly anguish for herself.
“Turn around, Summer.”
Summer gave a whoop, her face alight as Asha nudged her arm gently. She looked at Hayley, speechless with wonder. “She came to me.”
“She did indeed. You can put her back in the other paddock now, if you like.”
Summer led Asha away. Hayley sat on the fence, her world spinning around her. How many times had she heard her clients say, “I don’t have a problem but my horse does?” Never once had she thought it would apply to her. She’d had losses, but she’d worked through her problems. She was resilient and strong and she’d moved forward because that was what she did—she was a survivor.
Or so she’d thought. Now the truth was plain to see. Asha didn’t have a problem. She did.
“Everything okay?” Adam touched her elbow. “I saw you were finished so I thought I’d check on how Summer did.”
Still in a wondering daze, Hayley turned to him. “She got Asha to follow her. She’s beginning to open up.”
“That’s great. Did you learn anything you can tell me?”
Hayley picked at a splinter of wood on the paling, considering the balance between Summer’s needs and Adam’s. “She feels responsible for Bailey’s death. She needs to forgive herself, and she’s not able to do that while she fears you’ll be disappointed in her for what happened.”
Adam spread a hand. “Well, what did happen?”
Hayley regarded him unhappily. “That I can’t tell you. I’m sorry. This is awkward for me now that we’ve become...closer. Normally I’d be at arm’s length with a patient’s parents.”
“How can I reassure her when I’m in the dark?” Adam demanded, clearly frustrated.
“I encouraged her to talk to you about the source of her trauma. All I can suggest is that you continue building trust with her and hope that someday she’ll open up.”
“With so little explanation it’s impossible not to think the worst. Has she been assaulted? Is she suicidal?”
“No,” Hayley assured him, squeezing his shoulder. “I’d tell you if she was in danger.”
He blew out a sigh. “Well, that’s a relief. Where is she now?”
Hayley glanced over at the paddock. Asha was grazing with the other horses, but Summer wasn’t in sight. “She must’ve gone into the barn.” She turned back to Adam. “She questioned me about that kiss. I couldn’t deny it.”
Adam grimaced. “I handled that badly. Sorry. She caught me off guard.”
“She’s okay with us dating.”
“Really? That’s great.” His face brightened. “I was worried about how she’d react. She’s been through so much this past year, and I don’t want anything interfering with her treatment. But since the issue has come up, it’s nice to know there’s one hurdle out of the way of us being together.”
“Only one.” Hayley glanced away. “I’m not sure I’m ready for a serious relationship.”
Adam put a hand on her chin, turning her face to him. “Hayley, did something else happen during your session?”
“I discovered I still have problems of my own.” All the anger toward Leif she thought she’d dealt with had only been buried. The prospect of falling in love with Adam had caused those old issues to well up. Maybe that was why she hadn’t been able to make love with him. “I have to deal with them.”
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
There was nothing in his face but an open, good-natured desire to make her life better.
She swung her legs over the top rail so she faced him. “Taking me to the dance will be a good start. I want to let go of the past. But you need to be patient with me....”
Adam lifted her off the fence, letting her slide down his body before giving her a hug and setting her away from him. “Honey, patience is my middle name.”
* * *
“THEY’RE HERE.” ADAM WAS filling the water jug at the kitchen sink when Lorraine and Graham’s sleek black Lexus pulled up at the back of the house.
Hayley finished arranging the appetizers on a plate and wiped her hands on a towel. “Do I look okay?”
Her simple black cocktail dress from the secondhand shop was years out of date, but Hayley had transformed it into grace and beauty. Her hair flowed in long, loose waves down her back, and even plain black pumps couldn’t detract from her shapely calves and slim ankles.
Adam touched her cheek, smiling into her eyes. “You look stunning.”
Outside, car doors shut. Adam went to open the door. “Lorraine, Graham. Welcome to Timbertop.”
His boss was wearing designer jeans, a sparkly Western-style blouse and high heels with red soles. Her blond hair was shaped into a smooth chin-length bob. She reached a hand out to Hayley. “You must be the horse whisperer.”
Adam watched the exchange anxiously. Lorraine was never anything but gracious, but she could be intimidating.
Hayley gave her a warm smile. “It’s lovely to meet you.”
Lorraine leaned in to kiss her cheek, then pulled back to look at her. “You do
amazing things for that dress. All that horseback riding must keep you incredibly fit.”
“I wish I’d worn jeans, too, although you’d never get me in four-inch heels,” Hayley admitted easily. “Those Louboutins look awesome on you, though.”
“I don’t know why I bother. They hurt my back.”
Hayley’s eyes twinkled. “I’ve got sheepskin slippers you can borrow.” She turned to Lorraine’s husband, hand outstretched. “You must be Graham. Welcome to Hope Mountain.”
With the greetings done, Lorraine asked, “Tell me, Hayley, how did you bewitch Adam into leaving the city for the country?”
“Come out to the deck and see the view.” Linking arms with Lorraine, she winked at Adam over her shoulder. “I’ll tell you all.”
Adam blinked. Once again, he’d underestimated Hayley. Why had he expected her to act like a hick just because she didn’t live in the city and work in an office? She was self-possessed enough to match the most sophisticated of folk.
“Hayley seems nice,” Graham said to Adam in a bland understatement as they watched the two women settle into the deck chairs. “I was expecting Annie Oakley.”
“She’s amazing.” He was also surprised at how quickly Lorraine had taken to Hayley. Again he had to readjust his thinking. Why should he imagine his boss would look down her nose? She was married to Graham, after all, an aging hippie who wrote grant requests for charities. These days Graham dressed the corporate part, but he still wore his graying brown hair in a ponytail.
“What will you and Lorraine have to drink?” Adam asked. “The usual?” While he poured wine for the ladies and got whiskies for himself and Graham, he told Graham about Hayley’s Horses for Hope program and the work she was doing with Summer.
“Does she work solely with teens?” Graham asked.
“Not exclusively. Although, from what I’ve witnessed she’s great at connecting with young people.” Adam related how her government funding had been cut. “She needs a stable source of money. Do you know of any companies that might be prepared to make a sizable donation on an ongoing basis?”
“I can think of one or two possibilities. Once I have a chat with Hayley, I’d be happy to see what I can do.” Graham lifted his tumbler. “Cheers.”