The Heart Series: Complete Boxed Set

by King, C. M

  “It was like you wanted to destroy me. I didn’t think even you could be so cruel. I thought I knew you, but obviously I don’t. Do you even care that everything in that room is now a constant reminder of your betrayal? I can’t look at you, Joel. You make me sick. Please just leave me alone from now on.”

  His eyes grew wide with the harsh brutality of my words. He motioned to open his mouth but nothing came out. He was never much of a thinker, more of a doer, usually doing other women.

  The awkward silence lingered and was enough to stir the pain once more. I stood up, rushing past him, unable to breathe the same air a moment longer.

  * * *

  For the next eight weeks, I avoided Joel. It wasn’t hard, he hadn’t come around as often as he usually did. Which was a relief. I was grateful he had the decency to stay away.

  Christmas passed with a blur. The only highlight was Elijah had dragged me out New Year’s Eve to a gay club. We spent the majority of the night dancing and getting wasted. We ended up bringing in the New Year putting a different spin on Auld Lang Syne. The nights events would stay with me for a long time to come.

  By the end of January, Joel started to come around again. I avoided him at all costs, spending the majority of the time hiding away in my room, or sleeping over at Elijah’s.

  Despite the fact two months had gone by, nothing had changed. The pain was still all too real like no time had passed between us at all. My heart still ached with every beat, and I despised myself for the fact it still mourned for him.

  I knew eventually I’d have to face him. There was only so much dodging I could do before the universe decided to lend a hand in ensuring we finally came face to face.

  The moment arrived when I was heading over to Elijah’s. I was too preoccupied searching through my bag to notice him stood there.

  The familiar Converse shuffled in front of me, and it was enough to evaporate all air from my lungs. My head snapped up, and I reeled back in complete horror at the vision before me.

  Fuck.

  I gasped in shock at the sight of his poor, battered face. His lip was split, looking painfully sore, while surrounding the cut was a dark purple bruise. Judging by the damage some force had been behind that punch. I was guessing would have been his dad’s handy work. God, the guy was such an arsehole.

  His eyes looked tired almost haunted, all puffy and bloodshot. He looked like he hadn’t slept in weeks. Had he been drinking to block it all out? It was normally his solution to hit the bottle, his escape route when things got too hard.

  My eyes stared deep into his tortured ones as tears instantly sprang to mine, but I willed them to dry. I refused to get emotional in front of him. I knew he wasn’t in a good place; he never was after a beating. As well as the physical abuse there would have been the verbal too, which was always a certainty. John was always good with his mouth, letting Joel know his exact thoughts. Which was probably worse, but he’d never admit it. Underneath all the bravado and fake confidence, he had low self-esteem. Which wasn’t a surprise, his dad would knock the confidence out of anyone. I despised the guy with a passion.

  We stood for a few moments, the silence almost deafening. I bit the inside of my cheek. The blood was a welcoming distraction from the intensity of being this close to him. He smiled softly, quickly wincing with pain. I grimaced, imagining how sore it was.

  His lip brought back memories of the first time we ever met. The first moment I looked deep into his beautiful blue hypnotic eyes. He was so sweet and caring towards me that day, but he was not that same person now that day seemed so far away. I knew I had to come to terms with that if I was ever to stand a chance of moving on.

  “Iz,” he whispered. He licked his dry lips, quickly wincing again with the pain.

  I gasped hearing him say my name. My legs almost buckled underneath me. It was always the same reaction, and I hated the control he weaved over me.

  “I know I’ve said it before, but I’m so sorry. I miss our chats, hanging out together. Please say you’ll forgive me, I couldn’t stand it if you hated me forever.” His eyes glazed over as he stood waiting with bated breath for my reply.

  I wanted to console him. My fingers itched to touch him, to soothe and comfort him. My heart ached for all the pain he had endured, but I also knew the pain he had inflicted on me with his own destructive actions. I had to distance myself to protect my own heart. I had to become my number one priority, even if it killed me in doing so.

  I stood summoning up the courage to say the words I knew would break me. “I’m fine Joel. You’re right we shouldn’t be together. I deserve someone that will love and treat me with the respect I deserve. I always thought deep down I wasn’t good enough for you, but now I know it’s the other way around, you’re not good enough for me. You treat women like pieces of meat. You mess with their heads for your own enjoyment, it’s cruel, and I see that now. I thought I was the one that could make you see the light, the one that you would fall in love with. I envisaged a future with you but it was all just a pipe dream, and now I’m wide-awake. You go out and enjoy yourself, sleep with as many women as you want. I’m over it. I’m over you.”

  His face dropped in surprise and tears pricked his eyes. His wounded look brought my heart to a standstill. But I had to stay strong. Being near him made my whole body come alive, I hated how it betrayed me. I yearned for his company. I missed the times we shared together, our conversations, our jokes. I missed the way he looked at me.

  I missed him full stop.

  I picked up my bag and side stepped him, keeping my eyes forward. I didn’t look back. Chanting over and over to stay strong until I was at a safe enough distance away from him.

  * * *

  I stared into the dark abyss. Every night was the same, hour after hour. It became my routine. I was destined to never appreciate the feeling of having a full night’s sleep ever again.

  My stomach grumbled demanding food. I’d barely eaten for months now; my appetite had slowly diminished. But maybe tonight would be different. I sighed and uncurled the duvet back, giving into its demands, and headed downstairs.

  The air was cool as I sat curled up in the kitchen, with a glass of milk and some Oreos. A smile touched my lips performing my usual ritual. I loved pulling them apart, exposing the cream, before dunking each section into the milk. The taste was heavenly in my mouth. I moaned softly when the sweet sensation exploded onto my taste buds.

  After dunking and eating the third biscuit, I heard a shuffle. My body instantly stiffened with fright. I sat up straining my ears for any sounds of noise. My eyes flicked around the room, paranoia setting in. For a second I thought I’d imagined it, sighing in relief. I relaxed back into the chair, then yelped at the sight of a half naked Joel strolling into the kitchen. Of course even with messy, bed hair and sleepy eyes he still looked gorgeous.

  Did he ever look anything but?

  Dressed in a black Foo Fighters T-shirt and grey boxers, he casually walked through continually rubbing his face. He yawned and stretched, grabbing a glass out the cupboard and sat down beside me.

  I nudged the carton of milk towards him. He smiled, the pain no longer there. His lip had long healed, all the bruising now gone. His face was back to being flawless, though deep inside the emotional scars would still be with him.

  I smiled back, until he leaned over to grab an Oreo. Then my smile quickly vanished.

  What the hell?

  “Errrm, what do you think you’re doing?” I asked, arching an eyebrow.

  Joel paused, then smiled. “I’m having a biscuit,” he said in a matter of fact way.

  Now I was annoyed.

  “Pffttt, I don’t think so. These are mine. Mum buys a pack every week for me only.” I pulled the packet nearer to make it even clearer.

  “So you’re not going to give me one then?” he asked, looking surprised. I watched as an amused expression crossed his face.

  I felt a smile tug on my lips too. “Nope.” I took a slow
sip of milk to mask it.

  His mouth dropped open in pretend shock and then he stuck his bottom lip out, giving me those sad puppy dog eyes.

  “Oh please, do you think that actually works?” It actually did, but I was not giving in that easily. He was going to have to work a little harder for it.

  His face dropped slightly. “I’m hoping it does.” He pouted, looking me straight in the eye.

  I felt the same pull towards him again. My heart beat faster at his close proximity, and now at the pouty lips I wanted to kiss so bad.

  I could be a bitch and stick to my refusal. Instead I pushed the packet towards him, he grinned in delight while I blushed.

  Damn that smile.

  So much for keeping my distance.

  He dipped his Oreo into his milk, and I continued anxiously nibbling on mine as we sat in complete silence.

  He finished his final bite and began running his finger along the rim of the glass. He coughed clearing his throat, his eyes seeking out mine. “Iz, I know I’ve said it a hundred times before, but I’m sorry for what I did. I will try to make it up to you. I was drunk, and I saw you flirting with Rob . . .” His voice trailed off and his eyes looked pained, returning to the glass.

  I sighed heavily, smiling like everything was okay, like I wasn’t still broken. “It’s fine Joel. What’s done is done, but thanks for the new bed. The one good thing is my old mattress was so lumpy so it’s a treat to lie on a new one,” I replied, masking the obvious hurt I was feeling deep inside.

  He smiled, but the pain was evident in his eyes. He knew I was dodging the real issue.

  I sat drawing small circles, my fingertip skimming over the dark polished wood. I was trying to pluck up the courage to apologise for my own cruel words. “I’m sorry for what I said about your dad,” I whispered. “You’re nothing like him. I was just lashing out, trying to hurt you.” I dragged my eyes up from the table and looked into his, hoping to find some form of forgiveness.

  His tortured eyes held mine. “You were right, I am like him. I drink to escape how I feel, and I sleep with women that I don’t care about. I hurt the people I care about the most. I’m a mess, and I don’t deserve to be with anyone.” His honesty shocked me, admitting he wasn’t worthy to be with anyone broke my heart. I was beginning to see just how deep his insecurities actually went.

  “Do you want a girlfriend, Joel?” The question left my lips before my brain even engaged what I was asking, but I had to know the truth.

  He frowned, and his eyes dropped down to the table. “I don’t know, Iz. I’d just be a big disappointment to whoever it was. I’m no good, and maybe that’s why I deserve to be used. I don’t deserve love. I’ve always known that, and I accept it.” He closed his eyes, hanging his head. The shadow from the light completely covered his face. He was trapped in a world of darkness he couldn’t escape from, and I knew I couldn’t sit back any longer and pretend I didn’t care.

  I took hold of his hand, and his head snapped up with the contact. He looked deep into my eyes, silently asking what I was doing.

  I stroked his hand, reassuring him I was here, losing myself in the sadness of his eyes. I fell so deep, I almost forget to breathe. It was easy to forget around Joel.

  “Everyone deserves to be loved, Joel, you more than others. You lost your mum at such a young age and you’ve never got it from your dad, but we all love and care for you.”

  He smiled squeezing my hand in reply, too choked up at the moment to speak.

  “You just need to find the right woman, someone decent that will love you with all their heart.” My voice broke, the words almost choking me. The thought of Joel loving someone else was almost too much to take.

  “I know the women I go with are just a distraction, nothing long term.” He sighed, and I snorted.

  Never a truer word spoken.

  We continued holding hands; in truth I never wanted to let go. He turned around slowly shuffling in his seat, fully facing me, I could see the conflict in his eyes. He licked his lips slowly, and his hand gripped mine tighter.

  “I know what I said about betraying Mike, and at the time all I could think about was that I didn’t want to lose your family, but I can’t keep pretending not to care. I can’t hold back my feelings any longer. I have missed you so much, all the happy times we shared together now haunt me. I know it was my fault. I destroyed everything by my stupid actions, but believe me, Iz, I have suffered. Just seeing your face that morning, the look of hurt and pain caused by something I did, I have to live with that.”

  His head dropped down, and my heart hammered deep in my chest.

  He felt the same?

  I reached over and placed my hand on his shoulder, rubbing it soothingly.

  He slowly lifted his head up, his eyes now filled with unshed tears. They held so much anguish; I felt tears prick in my own.

  “I know you can never forgive me for what I did, and that is my hell. That is the biggest regret I will have to live with, but I will love you forever, Iz, and will spend the rest of my life haunted by my decision for ever letting you go.” The look he gave me was so sincere, but it was his words that floored me.

  “What?” I stammered, needing to hear him say it again.

  He closed his eyes, the silence once again filling the room. Before it became unbearably uncomfortable, he finally spoke again. “I’m in love with you, Iz, and I can’t fight it any longer, it’s killing me. I love everything about you. You’re funny, sexy, smart and that fiery temper of yours just gets me going. I can’t get you out of my head; you consume me. You are in my every waking thought. I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.”

  He was in love with me?

  Was I actually dreaming right now?

  My head felt dizzy trying to process his words. Funny? Well yeah in my own sarcastic way, smart maybe, but sexy? Hell no!

  I blushed at the very thought.

  I flinched when he grabbed both hands, pulling me onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around me, holding me tight. Our faces were barely inches apart as his eyes looked deep into mine.

  He smiled as his hands cupped my face. Mine quickly covered his, keeping them in place. “Ever since the day we met, I’ve just wanted to protect and look after you. You were so young, always so quiet and mouse like. Mike said from the start you were a no go, he would kill me if I ever hit on you. So I pretended like you were my sister, putting my thoughts about you to the back of mind. That’s when the girls became a distraction.” He dropped his hands and turned away, but not before I saw the flash of guilt in his eyes.

  I pulled his face back to mine, prompting with my eyes to carry on. He let out a loud sigh, and his tongue flicked over his bottom lip. My hand still held his face as my thumb brushed over his cheekbone.

  “I slept with them, but it was to avoid my feelings for you. The older you got, the cockier I became, wanting you to be disgusted by my behaviour. I thought it would make it easier on me if you couldn’t stand me, but over time it just got harder.” He paused, taking a breath.

  “Then when I saw you at the party, all the feelings I’d tried to keep locked away resurfaced. You just looked so beautiful, and I just wanted to sit and hold you that night . . . well until Mike interrupted us.”

  I pulled a face, still angry with Mike for breaking up our tender moment. He always had a way of unknowingly interfering.

  “Then when you started coming to the pub to see me, spending more and more together, it made me realise I was falling for you. I wanted to tell you that day when you confronted me, but I was too scared of what the repercussions would be. I’ve missed you so much, the times we shared were everything I ever dreamt of. It was nice to have you to myself without Mike being there.” He swallowed slowly, looking away.

  I knew he needed a moment.

  I continued stroking his cheek, allowing him all the time he needed. His eyes eventually locked with mine and he sighed, dropping his face down. “I knew I would screw up eventually and
hurt you. I will never forgive myself for the pain I caused you.” His eyes stared deep into mine, the guilt clearly evident. He quickly closed them, unable to look at me a moment longer.

  My thumb skimmed over his perfect cheekbone, slowly brushing over his healed lip. He gasped, and his lips parted. I could see how much he reacted to my touch.

  My heart was hammering deep in my chest. I dropped my hand down to his, feeling his rapid beat too. His eyes fluttered open, and I took in a sharp breath, seeing them mirror the love he held inside.

  “I love you too, Joel,” I whispered. Relieved the words I’d kept secret for so long had finally been spoken.

  He continued staring, too choked up to speak as we both got lost in the moment.

  His thumb softly caressed my cheek, and my breath hitched when he slowly guided my lips onto his. The sparks flew the moment our lips touch. It was sweet and innocent at first as our lips moulded perfectly together enjoying the connection.

  Then his lips parted, and I shivered. His tongue flicked over my lower lip ever so softly. I gasped with the sensation, softly moaning with delight. His tongue slowly slipped inside and began caressing with mine. Within seconds we’d found a natural rhythm, and my other hand automatically headed straight to his hair.

  I’d fantasised for so long, imagining how good it would feel running through my fingers. It didn’t disappoint, it was better than any dream I’d ever had.

  I grabbed small handfuls of the silky, soft strands and grasped it tightly, losing myself in the kiss.

  He moaned loudly into my mouth with my overzealous hair tugging.

  Oh shit.

  Trust me to ruin the moment.

  I pulled away worried by his response, blaming myself for my overly keenness. Well I had waited a long time to experience it.

  “I’m not hurting you, am I?” I asked, feeling confused.

  I thought hair grabbing was sexy?

  Well, it was in all the films I’d watched.

  He chuckled at my face. “No, Iz, I find it sexy. I was groaning in delight.” He cupped the back of my head, pulling me in for another kiss. Both hands became lost in his hair, and we both groaned at the pleasure we were giving each other.