One Night Only

by Stewart, Lynsey M.

  My head fell back as I felt her fingers fall to my scalp, threading them through my hair and although the moans and gasps were telling me she was enjoying this, I still needed to feel her, enter her, show her my love.

  ‘Condom,’ I managed to grind out as the peaks of her nipples, stiff and almost shouting ‘Ready!’ grazed across my chest.

  ‘Bedside drawer,’ she murmured, her fingers clawing into my back. My fingers were shaking but I rolled that bad boy on like my life depended on it, and it did. She was my life, and this wasn’t a moment of unflinching fucks, with no emotion and no risk. This would be epically monumental. I looked at the clock—just after midnight, the time that would be remembered as the time we fell in love—and sank into her. She gasped out a noise, half-cry, half-moan, as I felt her body tighten underneath me.

  ‘You OK?’ I asked.

  ‘Yes…Jesus, yes,’ she replied, banging her splayed hand on the duvet. ‘Pleasure and pain…colliding majorly.’ I pulled out completely, before thrusting myself back into her, and we both cried out. ‘Matt! Fuck! How are you reaching all the way…there?’

  She let out a series of sobs before pulling me closer. She was whispering into my ear, things like, ‘It’s never felt like this way before, how is this happening?’ and ‘We’re going to work, aren’t we?’

  I wanted to reply, ‘A thousand times, yes, because you and I, Stace? We’re magic.’

  She held my face in her hands and closed her eyes as I declared my love to her through my body, through my words. I love you. You’re easy to fall in love with. There’s only you. You’re all I see. We’ll make it work, we’re special.

  And we stayed that way—our bodies entwined, fully together. Whispers of love, soft, slow, and all we needed—until we came. There was no rush to the finish, no party tricks or clit-bombs. No wish for it to be over or planning my escape route. No awkward exchanges about money or booking the next appointment. This was intimacy in its purest form.

  She had a dreamy look. Finally relaxed and not second-guessing. My girl could make an art form out of processing thoughts. I went to move, to roll away, but she stopped me, kissing me on the lips, and held my face in her hands as she smiled the biggest smile. Our noses snuggled and I felt her chest rise and fall against mine. She laughed, then bit her lip. Her hand stayed against my face, the whole time communicating our feelings through silence.

  I had never felt so loved.

  * * *

  I woke to find myself alone in Stacey’s bed. It didn’t take me long to find her. She was sitting at her desk, legs up on the chair and a mug of tea in her hand. Her Mac illuminated the room, soft light slicing across the walls. She’d pulled her hair into a ponytail and she looked more relaxed than I’d seen her in…ever. My t-shirt she was wearing had never looked so good. She started to type and threw out a contented sigh, one that said, ‘This is my place, where I belong, where I’m happiest,’ and I realised I craved that too.

  I wanted to release the same sigh of contentment, of knowing I’d found myself. Finally. Psychology was my happy place and seeing Stacey in hers gave me a rush of emotion I welcomed with open arms. Happy. Content. Found. I sat up and moved myself to the edge of the bed, kissing her shoulder where my t-shirt had lost its way, slipping down to her breast.

  ‘Hey, you,’ I said softly. Our usual greeting seemed the most appropriate this morning.

  ‘Hey.’

  ‘What are you working on, pretty girl?’

  ‘An idea,’ she replied. ‘I couldn’t sleep. I was thinking about how preconceived ideas or judgements can play a huge part in the dating game.’ She put her hands on my arms as I placed them around her neck. ‘How you can turn someone down because they’re wearing the wrong shoes or they’re too quiet or…because of their job.’ She glanced at me. ‘You could give up one hell of a fairy tale and wouldn’t even know it.’

  ‘Was I wearing the wrong shoes?’ I asked playfully. ‘Is that what it was?’

  ‘Something like that,’ she replied. She twirled around on her stool to face me, linking our fingers as she sighed that contented sigh again. ‘I need to leave for work soon.’

  ‘Noooo!’ I whisper-shouted, leaning my head back and pulling her with me. She giggled as she fell on top of me and there was that sigh again.

  ‘What are your plans today?’ she asked tentatively, a small smile in place of the big one. I knew we would need to talk about my job at some point, but I didn’t want to lose this loved-up bliss we’d found ourselves in. The very same bliss I’d longed for since we met. ‘Oh, your dad. He’s coming home.’

  I groaned as I wrapped my arm around her waist and pulled her closer into me. ‘Yeah. It’s today.’

  Bubble well and truly burst.

  ‘Matt—’

  ‘No,’ I said, kissing her instead. ‘Let’s not talk about how about how we’re going to make this work. I don’t want to face that reality yet. I just want to hold you, maybe fuck you again before I leave.’ She made a shocked face and covered her smile with her hands. ‘Let’s live in this moment for another hour at least.’

  ‘Or two.’ She shrugged.

  ‘Two’s good, but what about—’

  ‘No,’ she replied as she put her finger to my lips. ‘Work can wait.’

  The room fell silent as we both stared at the ceiling. One more hour. That’s all I had her for, or at least had her like this. Enjoying us, not worrying or acting out scenarios in her head of when she introduced me to her parents. He’s an escort but don’t let that put you off.

  A soft vibration made Stace turn her head. ‘Is that yours? I’ve heard it a few times. I just thought it was your…work phone.’

  I trailed my finger across her chin, tried to reassure her, bring her back to me. ‘I don’t have it. I left it at home.’ She leaned over the side of the bed and picked up my jeans where I’d left them a few hours ago. She held them out to me, and I pulled it from the pocket. Christ, six missed calls from Merryweather and a text from Doctor Ashcroft. Call me immediately.

  ‘Shit.’

  ‘What is it?’

  ‘My dad.’ The words had no sooner left my mouth and I was ringing the doctor back. ‘Hi, yes. It’s Matthew Shaw. What?’ I listened as the doctor explained what was going on. ‘Fuck. Where is he? I’ll go there now.’

  ‘What’s happened?’ Stacey asked, after I hung up and started pulling on my jeans.

  ‘Dad,’ I managed to get out, pacing the floor looking for something I’d forgot.

  She pulled my t-shirt over her head and handed it to me. ‘Slow down. Talk to me.’

  ‘He’s…he’s…’ She took my hand and linked our little fingers together. How did she know how much I needed that touch? ‘He’s at the hospital, Stace. I need to get there now.’

  26

  Stacey

  He was quiet on the train back to London, barely moving his eyes from the window, but his little finger never left mine and that helped me understand he needed me right now. I didn’t know how I could help when we reached Kings College Hospital, I just knew he needed me with him and that was enough.

  When we reached Victoria Station, I bought two coffees, handing one to him as I took his arm, walking us to the taxi pickup point. He was in full shutdown mode. Zombie-like. Fear of what you’ll face when you reach a loved one in hospital will do that to you.

  ‘Kings College has a specialist cardiac treatment centre, he’s in the best place,’ I said as we settled into a taxi. He nodded and took a gulp from his coffee. ‘I’m sure they’re already pulling together a plan. He may need surgery…medication…they’ll do something.’ He continued looking out the window, his foot tapping frantically. He just wants to get to his dad. ‘I’m sorry this is happening.’

  He glanced at me before dropping his head and in that brief eye contact, I saw the little boy who cared for his father, ran the house, cooked the meals…worried. The boy who was crying out for help. I held onto him a little tighter, brought him back to me for a s
econd as I placed a soft kiss on his lips.

  ‘I’ll stay as long as you need me to.’

  ‘You should be at work,’ he mumbled with a mixture of sighs and exhaustion. We hadn’t slept…at all, really. The early morning hand grenade call had given us little time to discuss what had happened between us. Still, the silent train ride gave me plenty of thinking time. He told me he could fall in love with me and I felt I already was. Yet there was still that element of anxiety when all I should be feeling was elation.

  I wasn’t one for burying my head in the sand. Instead, I faced things head-on. With more of a smile than a raised fist, but I liked to think it got results. I knew I was in sand territory. If I tried to forget the whole sexual intercourse as part of Matt’s job, then maybe I could function normally? I wanted to have a longer stay in the post best-orgasm-of-my-life bliss. Reality felt too harsh to face, but we were being forced into it with a hard shove.

  ‘I sent Beth a text message earlier, just to let her know.’

  ‘I’m glad you did.’

  ‘She’s going to try to come down,’ he said.

  ‘That’s good.’

  When we arrived at the hospital, we were directed to a waiting room. Matt paced the floor as he waited for a doctor to update him. Various hospital staff passed by, making him watch the door intensely and when a doctor finally arrived, Matt was in full panic mode.

  ‘Mr Shaw, sorry it’s taken me so long to come and see you.’

  ‘Hi. Nice to meet you,’ he said. ‘This is…my…Stacey.’ I smiled as I stood up to shake his hand. ‘How is he?’

  ‘Your father was admitted earlier this morning after a nurse at the rehabilitation facility found him struggling to breathe. An ambulance crew were called immediately and performed various tests, which led them to believe he was experiencing a heart attack.’ Matt nodded. ‘He’s just come out of emergency surgery. We’ve inserted a catheter to open the blockage and a stent to keep it open.’

  ‘Will he be OK?’ Matt asked.

  ‘He’s a high-risk patient, Mr Shaw. With his history of alcoholism, weight gain, nicotine addiction…I’m afraid he’s not in the best shape. But Angioplasty is recognised as the best possible treatment. We’ll need to see how he is post-surgery.’

  ‘When can I see him?’

  ‘I’ll get the nurse to let you know when he’s woken up,’ the doctor replied.

  ‘Thanks for all you’ve done for him.’

  ‘Pleasure,’ he replied. ‘I was told he was due to leave Merryweather today. Shame. I hope we can get him back on track. Recovery isn’t easy.’

  Matt slipped down onto the chair, holding his head in his hands as the doctor left the room. ‘Not with this on top of it, no.’

  * * *

  Matt rested his head on the wall, closing his eyes with his arms crossed over his chest. I shut the door behind me softly, but his eyes sprang open with the noise.

  ‘Hey, you,’ he said flatly.

  ‘Hey.’ I handed him a chocolate bar and he scrunched up his face. ‘You need some energy. A sugar rush will help pick you up a bit.’

  ‘And bring me crashing down again.’

  ‘Eat.’ He smiled as he took it from me, unwrapping it and taking a bite. It was gone in a further three. ‘I have more.’

  ‘No. That’s enough,’ he said as he linked our fingers. ‘I’m beginning to think you’re my guardian angel. You’re always there when I need you the most.’

  ‘I thought it was fate?’

  ‘You don’t believe,’ he replied.

  ‘I’ve never said that.’

  He sat forward, rubbing the back of his neck. ‘Then why don’t you act on it?’

  ‘What’s wrong?’ I asked, sensing he had more to say.

  ‘Just thinking,’ he muttered. ‘This place is giving me too much time to think.’

  ‘Talk to me.’

  ‘I’m angry. Just ignore me.’

  ‘You’re not angry, you’re sad,’ I corrected.

  ‘I’m fucking everything!’ He shot up with his back to me before he finally turned. ‘You know what’s running through my mind?’

  I shook my head.

  ‘Not good things, Stace. Not positive mantras about how he can get through this or that he’ll be OK. He’ll survive, come home, and we’ll carry on with his recovery from exactly where we left off. No. nope. Not even close.’ He dragged his hands through his hair. ‘I’m thinking about us. Can you believe that?’

  I bit my lip, held onto myself because I knew where this was going. It was time. He wanted certainty. Commitment. An answer. A definition of us.

  ‘I’m thinking what this means for you and me. More rehabilitation, not for drink or gambling, but for his crappy heart! More money, more of my time. If we made a go of this, when could I possibly see you?’ He threw up his hands. ‘An hour every Friday night? Right after Uni and right before I have to fuck more women for money? Christ, Stace! When can I be happy?’

  ‘Sit with me,’ I said through tears, unable to hold them back because I knew he was spilling the truth.

  ‘The old guy couldn’t get his timing right,’ he said, pacing. ‘Never bloody could.’

  ‘What do you mean?’

  ‘Over the years, Stace. When he was arrested or found out of it in a park. The jobs I’ve lost because I had to sort out some shitty situation he’d gotten himself into. The stuff I’ve sold to pay bailiffs. The beatings I’ve took from loan sharks!’ My heart broke for him. A man in despair, in true mind limbo as he wrestled with anger and total devastation. Despite the sharp words and heavy conversations, I knew his dad was everything to him. He turned to me, his face pained, eyes heavy. ‘Why couldn’t his heart pack in before I sold myself for him!’

  ‘You don’t mean that,’ I replied.

  ‘I don’t?’ he said, putting his hands to his head, his elbows covering the upset on his face. I couldn’t stand to see him like this. I had to offer comfort, touch him, be there. I pulled his hands away and brushed the tears from his cheeks. ‘I wouldn’t be an escort. That’s the biggest issue for you, isn’t it? That’s what’s keeping us apart?’

  ‘Yes, but—’

  ‘Christ, Stace. Do you know what I’ve put myself through for him? I can’t have gone through all that just to watch him die.’

  ‘They’re doing everything they can for him,’ I replied. ‘He’ll come through. I can feel it. You’re a good guy, Matt Shaw.’

  ‘Stupid fuck, more like.’

  ‘Don’t say that.’ I took his hand, placed my other on his neck, and sighed as his forehead pressed against mine. ‘You love him. He’s all you have left. You did everything you could, and he knows that. You can’t live your life thinking, “I shouldn’t do this because of this, that, and the other—”’

  ‘Like you?’ His words were like a slap in the face. A wake-up call. I pulled back, shocked and saddened we’d reached this point. I knew we’d get there eventually but not like this. I wiped my tears and stepped backwards, away from him, away from having to face what I’d put off for so long. He dropped his head, looked defeated. ‘Shit. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.’

  He stopped talking as the door slowly pulled open and Beth peeked her head around the door. ‘Can I come in?’

  ‘Of course,’ Matt said, glancing at me, checking my state before offering her a hug. ‘What are you doing here? I didn’t expect you so soon.’

  ‘I wanted to see how he is.’

  ‘Well, he isn’t dead yet.’ Beth tapped him on the arm as he stared at me. Fire and flame. The passion of us, the intensity of our situation reflected through his eyes.

  ‘Leave the jokes for another day, yeah?’ Beth replied, watching us warily. ‘How is he?’ She hugged me before sitting down.

  ‘We’re waiting for him to come round from surgery.’

  ‘Well, waiting gives us time to talk,’ she replied.

  I glanced at the clock on the wall. It was approaching lunchtime and I’d promised A
nna I would try to get into the office at some point today. I took my phone from my bag and frowned as I saw a few missed calls. ‘Now Beth’s here, I might pop into the office for a couple of hours. Give you two some space.’

  ‘Sure,’ he said as he gave me a false smile. ‘Can you come back later?’

  I hesitated, unsure what to do, what to say. I wanted to be here but at the same time, I needed to clear my head. Think a little.

  ‘OK,’ he replied, nodding before I could answer. ‘I guess I’ll see you around then.’

  I winced at the flatness of his tone, knowing his mind was trying to order a million thoughts. ‘I’ll call you later.’

  ‘Or, whenever.’

  Beth cleared her throat as awkward set in.

  ‘I’ll stay if you need me to,’ I said softly.

  ‘I shouldn’t have to ask,’ he replied, his face so pained my heart flayed around in my chest.

  Not knowing what else to do, I grabbed my bag from the chair and left the room in silence, the clack of my heels the only sound down the long hospital corridor as I made my way as far away from Matt as possible. I struggled to order my breath. Sobs and upset flooded my body. This place was huge, and it was closing in on me. The natural instinct to stay overwhelmed me but the need to escape was far bigger.

  I dragged my hand down the buttons of the elevator, lighting them all up in the hope it would arrive quicker. The doors opened and I pushed my back against the mirror, sliding down to the floor as I gave in. When it stopped on the next floor and an elderly couple got in, I found my feet again, flying out when we got to the ground floor where I found the nearest toilet to vomit my emotions into.

  Washing my hands, I looked in the mirror. My hair wasn’t bouncy anymore. It was flat and lifeless, much like me. I shook my hands through it and wiped my eyes with a tissue, then rinsed my mouth. I needed a taxi. A get-out strategy. I checked I had enough cash in my purse to take me to work and rounded the corner to the taxi rank.