‘Upfront offices, please.’
‘Stacey!’ I turned to find Matt, running and breathless. ‘Stop!’
‘What are you doing? Go back to your dad.’
‘I know you want me, Stace and I’ve made it clear I want you. Why are we fucking about? Do you like me hanging on? Giving false hope every time you smile or snort your way through a laugh in that amazing way that you do? Keeping me around but having no intentions of doing anything more?’
‘You’re hurting and upset, and I’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.’
‘How long are you going to wait for me? Three years? Until I finish my degree? When you can be totally sure I’ll never escort again?’
‘I can’t pretend I can accept it,’ I whispered. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘We have something here, Stace, don’t throw it away.’
‘I’ve tried…so hard…but I can’t.’
I tried to open the door of the taxi, but Matt closed it firmly, pressing his fingers into my hip. ‘For the first time in my life, I’ve not had to do something shitty alone. Do you know how much that means to me?’
‘I’ll always do that,’ I replied, pulling him towards me as I kissed his mouth. He let me open the door but closed it again at the last second.
‘I love you,’ he said, as I dropped my head to his chest. ‘I know you love me too.’
‘Don’t,’ I whispered. He lifted my chin, kissing me like he’d never see me again.
‘What if I told you that you didn’t need to worry anymore?’ he said, stepping back as I opened the taxi door and got in. Pulling the door shut, I watched as he pressed his fingers against mine, the glass between us. ‘What if I said someone has given me a lifeline?’
I sat forward, trying to listen. To read his lips.
‘What if I said I can give it all up, Stace. Done. Finished. Just like that. I’ll do whatever it takes for you to be mine.’
‘What do you mean?’ I asked hurriedly, unable to understand him as the taxi pulled away.
27
Stacey
‘You missed a meeting this morning about the April edition. Anna wants us to focus on pastel chic. Pinks, blues, yellows. Dull,’ Vanessa whisper-shouted. ‘She mentioned your article. Dating life. Up to you. She’s giving you free rein.’
I dropped down to my seat. I was exhausted, unable to focus on a word, let alone write a sentence. I tried to call Matt when I reached the office, needed to know what he meant about being given a lifeline, that he’d do anything for me, but his phone was switched off. His voicemail message was my only comfort.
‘She said that?’
‘Yep. Start writing before she changes her mind,’ she replied. ‘Or stops drinking.’
I logged into my computer and set up a blank Word document, biting my lip to aid the thought process.
Right man. Wrong time.
I deleted it.
Right man. Wrong time?
The question mark added weight.
Is there ever a wrong time when you meet the right man? Obstacles and hindrances always play their part in relationships. It’s how willing you are to move them to one side and say, ‘We can make this work despite that.’
‘Stacey, my lovely. How in the world are you?’ I looked up to find Neil, Anna’s husband, leaning over my computer screen.
‘Oh!’ I gripped my necklace. ‘Hi, Neil.’
‘Busy?’
‘Err…yeah. I’ve just started…something.’ Go away.
‘Ah, yes. You, my darling, are a very talented writer,’ he leered.
‘Thanks,’ I replied as I continued to type. Get the message.
‘What’s this article about, then?’
‘Dating.’ I didn’t look up.
‘Well, if you need someone to go on a date with, I’m your man.’
Please leave. ‘I’m not sure Anna would be very happy with that.’
‘I know how you like to experience things before you write about them.’ I slowly lifted my eyes to find him licking his lips, and all my alarm bells started ringing at once. ‘I truly enjoyed your last article.’
‘Thank you,’ I replied, looking for the nearest exit.
‘You have a hidden side, Stacey, my love.’ He sat on the edge of my desk and lowered his voice. ‘I knew it.’
‘I’m not sure what you’re trying to imply—’
‘I bet you loved it, didn’t you?’ he said, his voice low as he scanned the office to ensure he wasn’t overheard.
‘I’ll give you five seconds to leave.’
‘Was he a good fuck?’
I pushed my chair back slowly. ‘Three seconds to leave.’
‘I’d be better.’
As I moved around him, he put his hand on the small of my back. It was sweaty and hot and a feeling of disgust ran from my shoulders to my spine. ‘Take your hands off me.’
‘I’ve always wanted you,’ he whispered.
‘I would prefer it if you put your hands on your wife.’
‘You’re a feisty one. I’ve always liked that about you.’
‘Leave me the fuck alone before I scream the place down.’
He screwed up his face like I was talking another language. ‘You’re a flirt, Stacey,’ he said, pulling his shoulders back and clearing his throat. ‘A little fucking prick tease, aren’t you? Don’t plead innocent with me. All those dinner parties and events, you flirting with me like a good girl.’
‘I wouldn’t flirt with you if you were the last man on earth.’
‘Oh, but you did,’ he said, laughing breathily. ‘Tricked me, that’s what you did. Flirted and kept me interested.’
‘I talked to you. That’s all.’
‘Teased!’ He banged his hand down on my desk, toppling Reggie’s photo frame over. ‘You took it only so far with me, yet didn’t have any problems fucking an escort.’
I picked up my phone, slowly, calmly. ‘I’ll call security if you don’t leave.’
‘No need for that, Stacey.’ Anna appeared from behind him. He dragged his hand down his face, ashen and damp, as he slowly got up from my desk. ‘My office. Now.’
He followed her and the door closed with a slam. Raised voices and arguing could be heard for the next hour. I hovered by the door after hearing glass smash, but returned to my desk when two security guards from reception knocked on the door and escorted Neil out of the building. Anna appeared a few minutes later. She was wearing sunglasses and summoned Vanessa to bring a dustpan and brush from the utility cupboard. She came out of Anna’s office with her wedding photo frame in a million pieces.
I knocked on her open door. ‘Are you OK, Anna?’
She continued looking at her computer screen, clicking away with the mouse. ‘I told him not to come to the office. I never understood why he didn’t listen to my instructions.’ She peered at me a second too long before returning to the screen.
‘Did you hear what he—’
‘Yes. I did,’ she replied.
‘Our recollections of our exchanges at parties and events are very different,’ I said. ‘I can honestly say I didn’t do anything to give him the wrong impression.’
‘I know that, Stacey. What would a bright, young, beautiful thing like you want with a man like him?’ She pushed her sunglasses to the top of her head. ‘Let’s draw a line under it, shall we? Neil and I have been going through some…difficulties for some time. You’ll be pleased to know you won’t be seeing him again. I’ll be instructing my lawyers to start divorce proceedings by the end of the day.’ She glanced at me momentarily. ‘I know I can rely on your discretion.’
‘Of course,’ I replied. ‘I’m sorry.’
‘Why?’
‘Divorce is never easy.’
‘Quite,’ she said, ‘but sometimes necessary.’ I watched as she walked to her office door and closed it before returning to her desk. ‘He was a serial cheater. Had been for years. Could get rather…fixated.’ She raised her eyes to me. ‘Sit.’
&
nbsp; I pulled the chair back, sitting opposite her. She had a rather odd look on her face. I was normally good at deciphering what a lifted eyebrow or mouth quirk meant, but she was giving me nothing.
‘Did he…touch you?’
‘On my back, nothing more. But I felt uncomfortable and that isn’t right.’
She nodded firmly. ‘Has he been…suggestive…before?’
‘Not to this extent.’ I remembered parties where he was overly familiar, taking a joke too far or standing a minute too long, making small talk.
‘I’m shocked.’ Game face. ‘You were a favourite of his.’
‘Sometimes I’m too friendly for my own good,’ I replied, sitting on my hands. ‘I’ll talk to anyone.’
‘Hazard of the job.’
‘Probably,’ I mused.
‘Don’t pander to me, Stacey,’ she said. ‘You’re a strong woman. Don’t give excuses for his behaviour. Quite frankly, it’s beneath you and makes my stomach turn.’
I crossed my arms over my chest, glad she’d pointed out the obvious. ‘No excuses. He shouldn’t have touched me or said the things he did.’
‘He was always annoyed when I set you up with someone,’ she said wistfully, sipping her coffee. I wish she’d throw me some body language just to make sense of the atmosphere that had clouded the room. She blew over the rim before opening her desk drawer, pulling out a small bottle of whiskey and tipping some into her drink. ‘Wanted it to be him, you see. What a deluded little man.’
Her words were cold, icy and brittle.
‘Anna, you’ve been through a lot today,’ I replied, concerned about her. She was tough and snarky at the best of times, but this had gone to a deeper level. ‘Why don’t you go home for the rest of the day? Stay at home tomorrow. If we need anything, we’ll call you.’
She laughed. ‘Go home? To him? To bash out the finer details of our divorce? Who gets the kids on Wednesday evenings and how we split the wine collection? No, Stacey. I’m better here.’
‘Then at least take a break. Get yourself something to eat, or one of those almond croissants that you like.’
‘Carbs won’t fix this mess. Not even sugary-sweet ones.’
I dropped my voice, tried to gain eye contact. ‘Stay in a hotel tonight. Go home in the morning when you’ve got a clearer head.’
She ignored me and carried on talking. ‘You know what will help me through this? Can you guess?’
‘Alcohol,’ I replied, smiling.
She let out a single laugh. ‘Even better than that.’
I threw up my hands. ‘You got me. I don’t know.’
‘A man, Stacey.’ My eyes grew wide at this turn of events. Oh, crap. I did not want to be having this conversation with my boss. ‘Not just any man. Someone who knows how to treat a woman. Someone who can wine and dine me, tend to my needs, call me beautiful just to lift my mood because I’m beginning to think—’ She pointed her finger and cocked her head. ‘In fact, I know, that I don’t need sham marriages and bullshit promises that mean nothing. I need a man to make me feel good for a change. A man, Stacey…who comes highly recommended.’
My awkward smile dropped and was replaced with a confused one, the one that appeared when I was trying to figure out what the crap was happening. I had visions of whispering into her office phone that we needed medical attention all the while keeping that smile on my face to stop her from flipping the fuck out.
‘Let me go and get you that croissant. Sugar always balances my mind.’
‘Didn’t Matt make you feel beautiful? Wanted? Desired? That’s what you said in your article.’ My body temperature lowered. That icy stare and cold words landed right on my shoulders. ‘He’s very good at what he does, isn’t he? He made me feel exactly the same way as you did.’
‘What are you talking about?’ I asked, my voice breathy and lost.
‘Matthew Shaw took me out on a date,’ she replied. ‘I’m a new client of his.’
A heavy weight landed on my chest, just across my lungs and sitting on my heart. ‘No,’ I managed to whisper.
‘He doesn’t come cheap,’ she said, tutting and rolling her eyes. ‘I’ve offered to help him out of a deep hole he’s gotten himself into. I’ve offered to pay his university fees and his father’s treatment in exchange for seeing him whenever I want.’ She pressed her finger to her mouth. ‘He’s worth it, don’t you think?’
‘Why?’ My voice wasn’t my own anymore and the weight in my chest had increased in size, and was finally crushing me. I placed my tongue over my teeth, pressing it against my gum line in a desperate attempt to stop my mouth from shaking. I couldn’t make sense of which emotion was heavier and more determined to break me. Upset, anger, or betrayal?
‘Your recommendation, Stacey.’
I got up in a rush of emotion, pushing my chair back, the casters making it roll to the far end of her office. ‘I’m suddenly feeling a bit lightheaded. I need some…air.’ Reaching the door, I pulled it open. ‘I hope you enjoy your time together,’ I said, unable to look at her. ‘I certainly did.’
I ran to the nearest empty conference room, pressing my back against the door as I looked to the ceiling. I felt daggers in my heart, swift and strong. No, that was a sad cliché and didn’t cover at all what I was feeling. This was sharp spears, a bloody morning star on the end of a club, and Conan the Barbarian was taking great satisfaction of aiming it right in the middle. Crushed.
I covered my mouth with both hands to try to muffle the sobs. How could he? He couldn’t. He needed the money. He wouldn’t. Leaning over the table, I tried to stop the ache to my stomach. Describing it as butterflies wasn’t savage enough. It felt like ninja stars were spinning in the space and I had to get a hold of myself before I collapsed.
Think clearly. He wouldn’t do this.
I thought back to our last exchange. An argument. Me getting into a taxi, Matt closing the door and shouting something about being done. I stood up, still seeing his lips move through the glass of the car.
What if I said someone has given me a lifeline? What if I said I can give it all up, Stace. Done. Finished. Just like that.
‘Oh, crap!’ I shouted to no one, wrapping my arms around myself as I finally understood. I couldn’t stop the sobs wracking through my body and I was angry with myself because I had no right to feel this so deeply. He’s an escort. He sleeps with women for money. Why was I hurting so much? The situation was exactly the same as the day before, the week, the month, the moment we met. He’d been nothing but honest with me about what he did but those ninja stars in my stomach? They cut, slashed, and took my breath away anyway.
I pulled my mobile from my bra cup and called the only person I wanted—no, needed—to talk to.
‘Skye?’ I said through tears. ‘I know who’s offered him a lifeline.’
28
Stacey
‘I think you should call him,’ Skye said as I took a handful of crisps. One landed on the sofa next to me and Reggie hoovered it up. ‘No, don’t… Yes, call him.’
‘I don’t think that’s a good idea.’
‘Why?’ she asked as she joined me with two glasses of wine.
‘Oh, I don’t know. The whole “hearing his voice again might break me” thing.’ I rifled around in Skye’s toiletry bag. ‘Face masks?’
‘Let me do it,’ she said as she started applying green goop to my skin. She’d suggested a girls’ night in, one, because we hadn’t seen each other properly in a while and two, because she thought it would help the not-really-a-break-up-because-we-were-never-together-in-the-first-place healing process to eat rubbish food and pamper ourselves. She’d already done my nails. Hands and feet. Christ, she was an amazing best friend. ‘There. Give it ten minutes and then we need to wash it off with a soft, one hundred percent cotton facecloth for the best results. We have baby wipes. That’ll do.’
‘Anna’s been skipping around the office with this weirdly cheery manner. It’s like she’s had a personality transp
lant, or Matt’s dick really is magical.’
‘How much did it hurt to make a joke about his dick?’ Skye asked as I started to sob.
‘So much.’
‘I think you should talk to him,’ she replied, offering me a slice of cake. ‘Yeah. Against my best friend judgement and all that but at the end of the day, you left him at the hospital with his dad’s heart giving up, and the fact you haven’t been back to offer some Stacey Clifton sunshine wrapped up in a hug must be killing you.’
‘In his third message, he told me his dad had woken up and seemed fine,’ I sniveled. ‘That was enough for me to be able to sleep that night.’
‘Well, my selfish side is glad he’s caused this heartache because it means we get to spend some quality time together, not just passing each other on the way to the bathroom, or shouting cheerie-oh on our way to work.’
‘You’ve always been a hard woman,’ I replied as Skye chuckled.
‘I know this has been hard and I get why it’s been so hard but, Stace, I’ve never seen you like this over a man. You’re the queen of meh when it comes to breakups because you’ve never been that bloody bothered about them in the first place.’
She was right. I’d never felt this heartache before.
‘He makes you happy, doesn’t he? I could tell you were shutting everything else out, trying to ignore the escorting part, but let’s put that here for now.’ She made a fist and held it in the air. ‘Aside from this’—she shook her fist—‘you two seem good for each other. That counts for something, right?’
I laughed through a sob. Her assessment of us was right. We were good for each other, but there was always a but that followed. ‘I love you, but this’—I put my hand over her fist, the same fist that contained the escorting part of this shit-show I was trying to ignore—‘can’t be ignored forever.’
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