Circle of Friends: Love, Lust & Destruction

by Rain, Renee

  He grabbed her by the arm. “Where do you think you’re going?” She didn’t reply as he pulled her closer to him. She thought that he was going to become violent with her and the fear showed on her face. “Babe you know that I love you. I just be fucking with you to try and toughen up your skin”. He kissed her neck and took a deep breath as if to inhale every scent that she had on her. He made her feel dirty.

  Thinking of the night’s events and the thought that her husband sold her paired with the alcohol in her stomach made her sick. She thought about how sore her body was. Jimmy was a little too big and Heather was rougher than she would have thought another woman could be. The bathroom was spinning. She found her way to the toilet and threw up.

  Sitting on the floor with her face in the bowel, she cried aloud. Keith grabbed a washcloth, wet it and tried to help her wipe her face off. She turned her head to him. “Why don’t you love me?” He told her several times that he loved her, but she continued to cry. He became defensive when she asked him how he could lead her to have sex with his friends. He asked her why she didn’t just stop or tell him that she didn’t like it. He had heard Jimmy telling her that he would respect her if she didn’t want to have sex with him, yet she didn’t tell him no so he threw this in her face. She flushed the toilet and slowly stood up. She accepted the washcloth and wiped her face off.

  She looked at herself in the mirror. Then she looked at him. He sat on the edge of the tub with the shower running. He looked up at her and reached his hand out. She walked towards him and stood without saying anything. He pulled her close to him until she was standing in between his legs and held her with his face at thigh level. She knew that no marriage was perfect, but she couldn’t understand why he insisted on hurting her so much. She tried to be the wife she thought he wanted. She kept little contact with her family and friends to devote more time to him. Plus she didn’t want them to see any of the bruises that he frequently gave her. She felt him push her dress up and begin kissing her thighs- she pushed him away. She couldn’t believe he could think of being sexual. He stood and started unbuttoning her dress. She pleaded with him to not do this. She couldn’t see how he could possibly be aroused. He looked in her eyes and told her that he was just trying to help her into the shower. She had tuned out the sound of the shower and forgot all about the water running.

  He couldn’t remember the last time he stared into her eyes to honestly see how she felt. He could see the pain of betrayal that she held. She had small streaks of grey in her hair that he hadn’t noticed before. Tears formed in his eyes as he thought to himself why she wouldn’t just leave him and seek a happier life. He thought to apologize, but knew that it wouldn’t be sincere. He led her to the shower, undressed himself and stepped in behind her.

  She stood silent with the water running over her. She thought about her childhood and how much pain she felt when she was raped at the age of six. She thought about her cousin Jake making her feel like it was her fault that he raped her because she wore a pretty sundress. She thought about the secrecy that fell upon the family afterwards and how Jake was shipped from their small town to live with family in Arkansas. Now her husband was abusing her and selling her for sexual favors. She felt like she would always live with something in her life being a shameful secret.

  Keith tried to kiss her, but got no response from her. She stood there showing no emotions. He lathered up a wash cloth and began to go over her body with it. With each stroke, he wondered what was going through her mind. He had hurt her before, but something told him that the makeup would be much more difficult. She wasn’t the same. As he washed between her legs, she flinched. He could see that her labia were swollen and red. He knew with that much swelling, she couldn’t possibly have enjoyed the whole night. He washed as gently as he could and rinsed her with a cup that they kept in the shower. After he saw that some of the suds were tinged with blood, he couldn’t look her in the eyes. He rinsed her completely and then washed and rinsed himself. He patted her skin dry before drying himself. He helped her into bed and sat down next to her. She stayed silent. She felt him get out of bed and was relieved when she could not hear him breathing.

  She was awake all night thinking of how this man was breaking her spirit. By the time the sun rose, she had come to the conclusion that her spirit was now dead. She could smell food being cooked and knew that Keith was fixing breakfast. She wanted to eat, but her head hurt too bad to move. She thought about how bad she wanted to leave, but had nowhere to go. She kept telling herself that she would have to figure out a way to make him leave her since he often threatened her about leaving him. She grabbed her robe and went to the bathroom.

  Keith greeted her at the door as she was coming out of the bathroom. He said good morning in a somber tone and didn’t look her in the eyes. He had made coffee expecting that she would have a headache and advised her to drink a cup. She sat at the table sipping coffee and thinking of how she wished their couch was leather so it could be cleaned thoroughly. The phone rang; she looked at the caller ID and saw that it was her mother. She called every Sunday when she got home from sunrise services to see how Tearny and Keith were doing. She had no idea as to how unhappy her daughter was and Tearny was too ashamed to tell her. Keith asked her if she was going to answer. Tearny put her head down and told him to tell her that she was sick and couldn’t talk. He answered the phone and did just that.

  The next four months got worse and worse. After he realized she was scared to object to having sex with his friends, he invited David and his wife Camille. They were eventually followed by Eric and his girlfriend Sandi. Tearny lost track of the numbers and names after he sold her to three of his friends from the gym. They shared with Keith that they fantasized about running a train on a woman and Keith quickly told them that his wife loved to have multiple men at one time. He was lying, but they didn’t know any different and offered to pay him one hundred fifty dollars apiece. Keith called and told Tearny to shower and oil her body up.

  That was when Keith realized she had lost a lot of weight and her eyes looked dead. “Babe, you been feeling okay? You look a little sick.” He asked after the men paid him, had sex with her and then left. He tried to sound sincere, but she wasn’t buying it. She told him that she was fine and went and took a long shower.

  Soon she stopped wearing makeup and kept her hair pulled back in a ponytail. He decided that he had enough extra money saved and stopped inviting people to be with her. He wanted her to rest and gain weight because she wasn’t nearly as attractive being a bag of bones as she had been.

  One Saturday evening, he asked her if she wanted to get dressed up and go out for dinner and a movie, she declined. But after nearly begging, she decided that she would go just to pacify him. He took her to what was once her favorite steak house and then to the multiplex. They conversed just enough so that people didn’t think that they were strangers at the restaurant. They sat close while watching the movie but didn’t touch. He asked her to join him for a drink at Uncles Bar but she declined. In her mind, she never wanted another drink.

  Soon after they arrived home, Keith asked her why she remained so closed off to him. “Well all night, I’ve just been thinking about how some people live in love and seem so happy. I just wonder how many really are happy, or if they put on a smile to make the world think that they are happy.”She shook her head wondering to herself why she even bothered to tell him what was on her mind. She hadn’t talked to her mother in weeks. She was feeling very lonely even though she wasn’t alone.

  He looked at her with a smirk. “Some people should love the fact that they are alive and be happy with that. I’ll be back later.” She simply shrugged her shoulders and walked to the kitchen as he went back out the door. She figured he would be out gallivanting with another woman for the rest of the night. He had done it so many times before. She didn’t care anymore. She was tired and knew that he wouldn’t leave her. He had told her so many times that the only way she could leave him was by d
eath. She looked to her oleander shrub. As she started picking the petals off of the plant, she tried to find a reason to not boil them. She knew that she could make a glass of tea with the water and drink until she slipped into an eternal sleep. But she couldn’t think of a reason to not do it. She decided that she was ready and put the leaves into a pot of water on the stove.

  He came back sooner than she expected. He had only gone to the liquor store to pick up a bottle of his favorite potion. He sat on the couch and filled his glass half-full and sat the bottle on the coffee table. She knew in her heart that he would drink until he decided to pick a fight with her, rape her or just talk down to her. He had been quiet, but she knew his pattern and he was past due for some ridiculous act against her. She stayed in the kitchen quietly making her tea. She rinsed the petals down the garbage disposal and poured the tea into an oversized coffee mug she bought when they went to the Barbados. She laughed to herself as she thought of how that souvenir was only a reminder of when she stepped into hell. She sat it on the back of the counter to cool.

  He called her to come and sit with him. “I miss your company babe.” She admitted to him that she thought he would be out with another woman and wasn’t expecting him back all night. “Oh was your boyfriend coming over? I’ll leave so you can see him.” Then he started laughing. “No. I know your boyfriend isn’t coming. It’s your girlfriend isn’t it?”He was at the point she knew he was over due to reach. She tried to get up but he pulled her back to sit across his lap. He told her to stop getting upset every time he made a comment about her and Heather. He squeezes her hips as he told her that he was turned on just thinking about the two. She could feel him becoming aroused and knew that she was not in the mood to be intimate with him. He pushed himself upward to be sure that she could feel his erection. She immediately asked him to let go of her.

  Before she could get to the kitchen, he was behind her asking her why she had to be so difficult. “Remember you are my wife. Shit, if you would take care of my needs, I wouldn’t need them whore’s in the streets to do it.” He started reaching down the front of her pants. He stood up and she followed as he led her to the bedroom and directed her to lie on the bed.

  As he pulled her pants down, he ran his tongue across her stomach. “Can you just fuck me and get it over with?” She looked to the ceiling thinking of how ready she was to drink her tea and never wake up again. He got up and took his pants off. He spread her legs open and climbed in between. He placed his hand around her throat and began to squeeze. She wasn’t in the mood for that and she knew when he was angry, he didn’t truly pay attention to just how much tension he was applying. He kissed her cheek and started breathing in her ear. “If I didn’t love you so much- I’d collapse your windpipes right now.” The penetration began.

  As she did so many times, Tearny closed her eyes and took her mind somewhere else. Keith may have been having sex with Tearny. But Tearny wasn’t even in the same room as him. When she got to her mental safe place, she had no idea of what was going on in her physical world. She sat with her friend Stephanie sipping coffee at the café. Even though she hadn’t seen Stephanie in months, whenever she needed to escape, this was where she sent herself.

  When he was finished, he hadn’t noticed that she was not responding to him. He simply got up and headed to the bathroom. When he returned to the bedroom, he saw that the cream colored sheets were streaked with blood. Tearny was breathing, but did not respond when he pulled the sheets to cover her. As he lifted the sheets over her legs, he saw the bruise on her thigh from when he had hit her. He didn’t remember doing it, but he must have bitten her because she had a bite mark on her waist. He pulled the sheets further up after studying the deep scratches on her waist and arms. He looked at the tears that were still wet in her closed eyes. He walked out of the room and closed the door.

  He sat on the couch and grabbed a note pad and pen out of his bag that he carried to work. He had begun telling himself that he needed to let her go. “Why do you keep doing this shit?” He mumbled as he searched for a clear page. He poured another drink since his bottle and glass were still sitting on the table. He didn’t know how to tell Tearny that he thought it would be best that he left. He always told her that she couldn’t leave him, but he never said that he couldn’t leave her. He decided to write it out.

  “Tearny,

  I don’t know why I keep hurting you, but I know that you are probably too afraid to leave me. I truly do love you, but I am not right. You are a beautiful woman and you deserve to be happy. I can’t lie to you and promise that I will never do it again. We’ve already been there. I’m afraid that one day I may really hurt you or even kill you. You are the only one I have ever loved. You’re the only one who has ever loved me, but I have to leave you now. We won’t worry about what other people will say. I would rather have them talk about me being gone, than to have them continue talking about me hurting you. Yes, I know you try to hide the bruises. And I’m sure some have seen them anyways. Please, try to live your life and be happy or at least happier than you have been. I miss seeing you giggle and smile and I hope that you will find a way to smile again someday. I love you, Keith.”

  He sat the note pad down and grabbed his cell phone to look for Kevin’s phone number. Kevin was one of his single friends that might not mind him coming over. He decided that he would call him the next morning and see if he could move in with him for just a few weeks until he was able to find his own place. He took a sip of his drink and decided to add some cola to it. He looked in the refrigerator for another can of cola but there wasn’t any more. He saw the tea on the back of the counter Tearny made. It smelled different, so he thought it was one of her specialty teas. He smiled as he thought about all the efforts that she took to stay healthy and in shape. He decided that he would mix some of it with his liquor and if he drank it all, he could always make her some more.

  He returned to the couch with the mug and picked up his tablet. Drawing hearts near the words he had just written, he began thinking that he should try seeing a counselor or even a psychiatrist. He reached for his tablet and searched the internet for a local psychiatrist that he was not affiliated with. He began to laugh at the irony of a psychologist needing a psychiatrist. He continued drinking until the tea and liquor were gone. He began feeling sleepy and laid his head back on the arm of the couch.

  When the sun rose, Tearny looked to see if he was around. She couldn’t believe that she had slept all night. The last thing she could recall was getting mind to the café. She looked at how dirty the sheets were. She knew that she needed to escape and today would be the day. She sat on the side of the bed to listen for any sounds that would indicate that Keith was there. She heard nothing. She slowly stood up and did some neck rolls to relieve the stiffness. She went to the bathroom and saw that she had dried blood on her thighs. She decided that she would not wash it off. She figured whoever would find her body would have to see the pain he had been inflicting on her.

  She slowly walked to the kitchen. As she glanced into the living room, she saw that Keith was passed out on the couch. She looked on the counter and her tea was not there. She looked on the coffee table, the mug was sitting there. It was empty. Keith was not breathing. She touched his arm and his skin was cold and rubbery. She began to call his name hoping that he would wake up- he didn’t. She called 911. When they got there, one officer pulled her into the kitchen so she could explain what happened while the medical personal worked on him.

  After what seemed to be an eternity, a female squad member came to tell her that they would be calling the coroner. He was gone and there was nothing they could do. She held up the tablet that was on his chest when they arrived. She informed Tearny that it appeared to be a case of suicide and that he had written a letter telling her good-bye. Tearny yelled that he didn’t kill himself. As she sat on the floor of the kitchen, the female squad member tried to comfort her and told her that sometime people cannot handle stress and see suicide as thei
r only way out. She then asked if they had any family that could come over to stay with her. She told her that she did not. She asked Tearny if she would go to the local hospital to speak with a grief crisis counselor. Tearny declined and asked if she would call her friend Stephanie.

  The coroner arrived just as Stephanie got out of her car. Tearny hugged her friend whom she hadn’t seen in months and held on to her. After his body was removed and only she and Stephanie were there, Tearny broke down. “He was not supposed to die! I wanted to go….not him!” Stephanie tried to console her thinking that she was just very emotional over Keith’s suicide. “He hurt me so bad….I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.” Tearny continued crying as what she said sunk in with Stephanie.

  “What are you talking about sis? What do you mean he hurt you?” Stephanie had tears in her eyes and anger in her voice. Tearny stepped back and opened up her robe exposing the bites marks, blood and bruises. Stephanie closed her robe and hugged her tightly.

  “I’m not sure why, but it must be for the good of all. God has a way of doing things and allowing things to happen.” She placed her hands on Tearny’s tear filled face. “Keith committed suicide. I believe it is the one unforgivable sin. But chances are he was going to hell anyways. So it is fit that he goes now and not you.” She kissed her forehead and stepped back to look over her. She was thinner than she was the last time they met. “You’re from a small town right?” She asked Tearny who immediately shook her head yes. “So I know you are capable of keeping secrets. Shit, you’ve been living in hell and kept that a secret.” Tearny looked to the ground as Stephanie continued talking. “So this will just be another secret to add to your list.” She wiped the tears from her face and looked Tearny on the eyes as she told her to never tell her or anyone else what really happened.