by Gray, A L
Chapter Seven
"UM, THIS IS AWKWARD." He says while rubbing his hands together nervously. His face is impassive, there is not an expression in his eyes, nor his mouth. "This is for, Anile Gooden. And if anyone ever watches this, it will be you, Anile, so I will talk as though I'm talking to you." He takes a large breath. "Um, this is to... explain really, explain why I am the way I am. If we ever become friends, or lovers, whatever you decide, I want you to know, one way or another, you will discover why I am the way I am." He wipes his mouth nervously. "I am a control freak, but I'm sure you have worked this out already. I am this way because everyone - my family, and others - have tried to take my control away. They have tried to train me mentally, to be what they need for the public eye. They tried to strip me of clothes I liked, told me what food to eat, where I should live, how I should sleep, they told me who to marry, they tried to control my mental pain and suffering, they even tried to brainwash me with dark techniques that are illegal while I was in the army - they almost stripped me of my own identity." He lowers his head. "It backfired viciously on them all." He narrows his intense blue eyes up at the camera, and I sense triumphant from him. "Because now, I control everything in the public eye, and also in every other aspect of my life. They cannot do much about it because to them, I am a walking pound sign for their company, and a true, trusted leader for their..." He nervously licks his lips. "Well, for something else that I cannot tell you about. I hope you will understand that some things I have to withhold, it's for your own safety." He grits his teeth. "The other reason for my desire to control is, my Mother and her death. She killed herself with a gun I purchased at my father's request, so her death is therefore my fault. If I had just put the gun away in my safe, she would never have laid hands on it." He swallows hard and looks confused. "In all honesty, I think my Mother is the real focus of my desire for control, and it will haunt me for the rest of my life." He exhales sharply. "You're probably wondering why I'm telling you all this, this way." He laughs lightly. "I find it hard to speak about my feelings, and people tell me I'm extremely closed off and dark. I don't want to be like that with you, I want... I want something more with you, wherever our relationship goes - friends or lovers. You are good and pure and the light at the end of the tunnel for me. I just want you to know that there is hope for me, you are my hope." He thrashes his head back and laughs. "I'm doing all this and you'll probably never watch the damn video."
The video shuts off suddenly, and when I seize my face, I realize I'm crying. That gorgeous, strong, independent man loves me, he did that for me, and at the end of it all, he trusted me enough to open up to me. I smile to myself. I stuck by him and did everything he asked of me, I built his trust for me, and now we are together and stronger than ever. My mind goes into overdrive. His darkness is because he thinks he killed his Mother - my goodness, how would anyone cope with that weighing heavily on their shoulders? I should have guessed why he is the way he is, especially after discovering how he suffered to kiss people. I collect the diary off of the desktop and open it without thinking.
To me this is Valhalla. I will come here when I’m dead inside, so I can be repaired.
March 8th 2000
She kissed me on the lips, she said she loved me, that I was her precious baby boy, that I was everything in her world – she said this only hours ago. Now she is gone. The only person who has kept me truly safe in this world is gone, and it’s all my fault. I have practically killed her with my own gun, the very gun my father forced me to get for him. How could he leave it for her to find - to use? Why did I not lock it away? He knew she was sad, he knew she wanted out of this life, he knew she would take any opportunity to be rid of this evil that haunts our family.
Why has she left me? How could she? I'm angry, so, so angry.
Deep down, I know my father used this as an opportunity to commit my last sacrifice – knowing what he has done to me kills me inside by the second. How will I ever be anything but darkness? How will anyone ever truly want me for me – and not for my money or my family power? Am I supposed to be left infinitely and utterly alone?
Although it has only been hours since she’s been gone, there is instantly no light in my life. There is no tenderness, no sweetness, no nothing. Who will save me from the darkness? Who will love me, or allow me to love them? Who will save me from myself?
All I now see is a black hole. The hole is painful to look at, to feel. It hurts my feet when I try to move one step in front of the other – the black hole is my new life that I will never escape.
Strangely, I don’t feel pain as I thought I would, I feel numb to everything tender – all I do feel is a raging anger growing with my demons because she left me so easily. My tears are frozen inside my iced heart. I have somehow managed to kill my defeating emotions. I’m grateful, I will end up with her if I cannot control everything that is inside me.
My rage is disgustingly sexual. All I want to do is tie every woman to my bed and fuck them to death, to show them how it feels to be empty inside for their easy cruelty, for their easy abandonment.
March 9th 2001
Last year, I missed her funeral. I missed the final release of her soul that was sent to Alfheim. I cannot forgive myself, nor can I find a way out of the darkness. All that is left of me is a haunted murk that lives inside me; it grows daily and there is nothing I can do to stop it.
I cannot kiss anyone, I cannot love anyone. Both physically hurt – I am damaged.
Adriana has left me because Castor continues to torment her, and because she thinks I am growing into the devil who projects everything through dominating, controlling sex. I don’t blame her for leaving – especially how she now knows my Satanic created family. I miss her, sort of. I never loved her, but we grew up together, so I have always been fond of her.
The public must believe that I am a family man so they follow order, so I am to be married again - to an Asian beauty. The wedding will be private like my first, no guests apart from family. It is purely a business deal and will benefit us both – all she desires is money and I can give her plenty.
I feel nothing for her, nor do I want to. I have brought her a house not that far from mine so she does not penetrate my safety zone. I go there, to her house, to fuck her. She lets me do whatever I want. I wrap her in clingfilm so she feels vulnerable to me, and knows that I am the only one who can save her – if anyone else were to find her in such a position, she would be humiliated. She has no choice but to depend on me. Once I have finished fucking her hard, I treat her tenderly. This is a mind control that my father has taught me.
He said, ‘Elijah, if you were to repeatedly beat someone so their screams become silent, there bruises never heal - once you stop hitting them, they will look up at you for tenderness because somewhere in their mind they think you love them. While they are mentally begging you for an apology, a hug - anything sympathetic – you give it to them with everything you have. You make them feel loved – but, you never apologise.’
I would never in my life physically hurt a woman, but I use this tactic to my advantage sexually when it comes to owning someone.
I need it after… SHE… left me so easily.
March 9th 2002
Life is still empty, but I like it this way, I think. Jezebel is a robot that my father has happily created. I cannot stand her or her perfect Stepford ways. My father is trying to create me also. When I wake, he tells me that I am Osiris - every single day. Now I am starting to believe it. I know he is programming me Satanically, and although I know I could stop him, I just don’t seem to possess the strength to fight him.
Slowly, I am turning into someone else; whether it is what my father desires or what I desire, I don’t know, but it's happening with, or without my consent. I am slowly changing into nothing but bitterness.
A few months ago I read a Folk Tale called Fitchers Bird. It’s about a sorcerer who desired beautiful women. He transformed into a peasant and stole three daughters from a poor
man.
The first daughter he took was the eldest. He wanted to test her loyalty and trust, because that was all he needed in his life – a woman to love and trust. He gave her a golden egg and told her to carry it always. He showed her a door to a room that was forbidden, telling her never to enter. Once he went to work, her curiosity got the better of her. She entered the room and dropped the egg. The missing egg was all the proof the sorcerer needed to prove that he could not trust her. He then killed her and hid her body inside the room.
The same thing happened with the second sister.
Once both sisters were dead, he went back for the youngest sister. But she was too smart for him; she knew of his trickery. She out smarted him by placing the egg outside of the room before she entered. Once she opened the door, she discovered her dead sisters and conjured up a plan to get their bodies home safely. In this plan she also thought how she could make the sorcerer suffer with ultimate death. And that plan worked by using his magic and turning her parents’ home into a heaven on earth, and the outside world was to become hell for all eternity. She told her husband to carry a wicker box full of gold home for her parents. He agreed to do this for her. What he didn't know was, the wicker box was not full of gold, but full of her sisters' bodies and her own. He carried the box for miles, out of pure love for her. Once he gave the wicker box to her parents, they closed the door on him, forever banishing him to hell on earth.
I saw myself in the sorcerer, strangely – I want what he wanted. I desire what is dangerous and I want a woman that I can trust with everything.
I know I will never have either, and that is ultimately my own hell on earth.
March 9th 2003
I am strong and I am finally No, who am I kidding, I am broken. Why won't I heal inside? Why is my bitterness never ending?
This isn't helping, writing down my darkness, it's just a reminder of how black my soul is.
February 28th 2004
A woman came to me for help today, it was strange that she trusted me to save her. Why would she trust me? Maybe she doesn't see my darkness. She is a kind person, too kind for her evil husband to be mentally torturing her, too honest for her husband to not believe her. Why are we men so evil? Why do we desire control above all?
I want to help her, I will help her, and maybe, just maybe, I can help myself in the process.
March 5th 2004
My father has put a stop to me helping Fraya, but I cannot stop there, I must help her. She is lost, as am I. She doesn't feel safe in her own home because some scummy bastard is taking what he wants from her. She tried to tell her husband all that has happened, but he doesn't believe her - why won't he believe her? I will get her away from him, I will do whatever it takes to keep her safe. She does not deserve the life her husband is forcing her to live. She is pure, kind and such a loving woman. She reminds me of my Mother.
April 9th 2004
I feel different, I feel alive for the first time since SHE left me. I saw a girl today, a young girl of only 14. She is a reincarnation of my Mother – or her doppelganger at the most. Her eyes are so blue, like the ocean. Her fair hair is soft and wavy like my Mother's. She is just, she is pure, and makes me feel again. I have wondered if she is my Mother's daughter, the resemblance is just too perfect. She isn't my Mother's daughter though, I had all my Mother's doctors records pulled today, and she only gave birth to my evil brother and I.
I want to help this girl, I want her to have a better life than what is already written in history for her. Her Mother, Fraya, was taken today, taken by the men in white coats. Her husband has won, but I will insure, little Anile, has a better life.
February 28th 2012
It's been so long since I have written in here, I almost don't know how to write anything down.
Little Anile's C.V. landed on my desk today, and I was utterly shocked beyond belief. What a coincidence? For years I have watched her, insured her safety, mentally recorded her blossom at university from a distance. I put people in her life that I knew would take care of her. She's grown into a fine woman.
I interviewed her for a job today. I was an arrogant arsehole, I didn't want her to work me out. Every time she looked at me with those ice blue eyes, I felt as though she could see right through me. It was... surreal. She was a nervous wreck, and I felt bad for adding to her nerves, but, it's all for a good cause. I will give her everything she desires in life, a decent promotion, a good office, safety.
I want to know her, I have to know her. I have something inside my body that has awakened at her presence. My heart, it's... beating again. I think I am already in love with this woman. She will be my light, she will awaken everything good inside my soul, I know it.
I think I am done with this place, this room. I think I am ready to give Anile the key to my darkness, and I hope she can keep me from the darkness, I hope she can save me from myself.
I am beyond shocked - Jesus I knew he was dark, but that is... I have no words to describe what that was. Tears beat down my face. How broken he was, how alone he felt. I understand him now, more than ever - his bitterness, his need for control. I understand why he is, the way he is. I am so glad we found one another, I am so glad that I was able to save him from the darkness. I am so glad that I never gave up on him. People outside looking in would think me to be a weak son of a bitch, a door mat to Elijah, an idiot - but no one knows how it feels to have such a beautiful, strong, powerful man, love you with everything he is. No matter what came at me, I would never have given up on him, and in my opinion, that makes me stronger than anyone would imagine I am. There are not many people who would stick by Elijah and live with him to tell this story. I have, and I am never going anywhere.
I drop the diary and retreat to the bed. I sit down and cup my face while I quietly sob. I swallow hard and try to fight back the tears. He endured all this in his short life; how sad and painful. A thought pops into my head - he hasn't been in this room since he gave me the key, that's why he wanted me to know that there is only one key. I smile affectionately. He has tried so hard to change for me. I wonder if he feels better abandoning this place? I hope so.
"Anile?" I hear Elijah call through the door.
I quickly grab the dvd off of the mattress and hide it under my top - Elijah does not need to witness his beloved Mother being executed at the hands of his evil father. I will decide what to do with this later. Just as I make my way over to the door, I stop and think to steal his father's number, I may need it. I type it into my phone as fast as I can and once I press save, I walk over to the door. I unlock it and open it. I don't steal a glance up at Elijah for now, I walk out of the room, never looking back.
"Anile." He whispers.
I turn and stare up at his precious face. His eyes are large, full of worry, crinkled at the edges. I immediately hug him, holding him as tight as I can. I feel his shock as he almost takes a steady step away from me.
"Anile, did you look behind the curtains?" He whispers into my ear.
I shake my head. "I didn't need to, I read your diary."
He cups the back of my head and pulls me between his shoulder and cheek.
"I thought I took that home." He whispers.
"Oh." I say in shock. I pull back from him and grasp his shoulders at arms length. "I'm sorry, I -" he cuts me off.
He takes a strand of my hair and runs his fingers down it. "It's okay. I didn't want you to read my thoughts, but, it's done now." He exhales sharply. "Tell me what you think of me, Anile." He heeds my gaze steadily, and although I desperately try to look away, I can't.
"Elijah -" I drop my hands from his shoulders and walk back to the car. I cannot say what I need to say to his face, it hurts too much. "I'm not going to lie, I'm shocked, shocked by how dark you were."
"Anile, stop." He orders.
I turn and face him. His hands are formed into balls, he looks kinda angry.
"You are going to leave me, aren't you?" He starts to pant a little, his hard chest rising
and falling with panic.
"No, Elijah. No. I told you, I will never leave you. I just meant." I roll my eyes. "Oh, forget I said that. I meant, I'm so glad we found one another."
"Don't lie to me, Anile, don't!" He warns, one hand held out in defence.
"Elijah, stop, now!" I snap. "Yes, you were dark, and the things I read were sinister, but I love you, I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you. I'm happy I now know all of you, I just need a few days to digest it all, that's all."
"So you won't leave me?"
"No!" I snap, but quickly check myself and speak tenderly. I *sigh* heavily. "Elijah, you know you didn't kill your Mother, don't you?"
He frowns. "What do you mean?"
I'm not going to confess his father's murder, I am going to use that against Mr. Darks to get Elijah his company back, so we can leave this God forsaken City and start afresh. I walk back towards him. I take his cheek in the palm of my hand.
"Elijah, whether it was your gun, or your father's, or your brother's, you didn't pull the trigger."
"It was my gun, Anile, she killed herself with my gun." He says almost in a sob, light anger behind his gritted teeth.