Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  My heart sinks at the realization that maybe if my mom had stayed, we could have been a real family. I guess in some ways, I did want that and hadn’t realized it, but I never faulted her for leaving. I understood where she was coming from and how she didn’t want my father to lose all he’d worked for, but now I wonder what would have happened if she had stayed.

  “Oh.”

  “Had I known she was pregnant with you, I would have moved mountains to find you. She hinted at being pregnant and I was planning on marrying your mother regardless. But when she left, I was devastated. I thought maybe she wasn’t ready or she didn’t want the life I envisioned for us. And when I couldn’t find her, I gave up. I went off to college in Texas where your mom and I planned to go, hoping that maybe that’s where she would end up and instead I made a life out there.”

  “We were supposed to go on a trip this summer, mom and I. We had it all planned out. We chose a route that went through Texas before ending in Palm Beach, Florida. I think maybe she wanted me to meet you.” No wonder she was so determined to drive through Texas. The whole time I thought there was a monument or something she wanted to see, apparently it was just her way of bringing father and daughter together for a reunion.

  Levi nods his head and stares into his tea that was dropped off moments ago. His brows are furrowed, and I can see the laugh lines around his eyes deepen with each thought. I’m sure he has a million thoughts and questions and seems to be deciding the best route to go. “Did your mother ever talk about me?” Hope tinges his words bringing a smile to my face.

  “Yeah. When I was little I used to ask her questions about why I didn’t have a dad. She would tell me stories about you. How you guys met, some of the things you did, what you all talked about, and why she left when she became pregnant with me. I never asked to see you. I always saw the pain in her eyes at just talking about you. I think she missed you even to this day, but she never held back when she told me her stories.”

  “I wished I had seen you grow up. I missed everything with you.” The pain in Levi’s eyes breaks my heart. We both missed out on a lot.

  “Yeah.” I whisper. I have no idea what to say to make this situation better.

  “Well we can make up for it now. We will have the whole summer to get to know each other.” I nod and give him a small grin. He’s right and I feel excitement at the prospect the more I think about it.

  “So, is it just me and you or…” I leave my question open. I’m not sure which will be worse, having a pre-made family, or a bachelor father.

  “My wife and boys are excited to meet you. I called them after I met you and told them what I knew. The boys can’t wait to have a big sister and my wife hopes you guys can form a relationship.”

  I nod with a stoic face. I don’t know how to feel about that revelation.

  “Ok. Um…I don’t know how to feel about intruding on your family. Are you sure…” He interrupts me by grasping my hand lightly in his.

  “I’m sure. There is no doubt I want you with me. I would like to have a father and daughter relationship, if you’re willing to have the same.” Tears threaten to spill, so I take a sip of my soda to stop them from flowing over.

  “Can you tell me about my mom?” Levis’ grin widens, and I can’t help but mimic him.

  “Your mom was… well she was a firecracker. She was so much fun and crazy as hell. God, she got us into so much trouble. She always had these crazy schemes. We used to take her dads truck out in the middle of the night and drive all over. It didn’t matter if we got caught or not, she would just sneak back out the next night and come knocking on my window telling me, ‘let’s go’.

  We used to swing from a rope tied on a branch into the lake in her back yard. Sometimes we’d break into the school and play basketball in the gym. In the middle of the night we’d head out to the field to catch fireflies and laugh. We laughed so much and over everything and nothing no matter how big or small. She was amazing. And she had the most beautiful laugh. It was contagious, too.”

  I can’t stop them this time as I smile widely and let the tears stream down my face. My mom didn’t change in some respects. We laughed constantly, and she always had crazy ideas.

  “Your mom was an amazing woman. I dreamed of a future with her since the moment I laid eyes on her. We never fought and always had fun. I remember one night your mom dragged me out after everyone was asleep and drove us to a remote spot with an open field. The cows grazed in the grass when we pulled up next to them. We climbed into the back of the truck bed and just lay on the blanket your mom brought. We talked about our dreams, the future, what we wanted to do with our lives. We had so many plans for ourselves.”

  Levi and I sit quietly across from one another choosing to stare at our plates of food that we have yet to take a bite of. It hurts to talk about her but at the same time what he told me is the most beautiful memories I’ve heard of her as a teenager.

  “Thank you.” I say quietly. He nods before grabbing his burger and taking a huge bite as I do the same with my pancakes and bananas. Words didn’t need to be said to explain my appreciation for what he told me of my mother.

  We spend the rest of our lunch discussing my life growing up from the schools I went to, my friends, and everything I have accomplished. We keep off the topic of my mom for now knowing it’s difficult still to talk about her. We stay on light topics and end lunch more comfortable with each other than when we first came in. I’m grateful for this time I had with my dad. Hopefully, things will be this easy when I move with him to Texas.

  Texas.

  It’s a big step for me leaving everything I’ve ever known behind but I’m ready for this new chapter in my life. I just hope I don’t lose myself in the process as I try to find balance on this new path for myself.

  Chapter 4

  You were given this life

  because you were

  strong enough to

  live it

  -Uknown-

  “I can’t believe you’re leaving. What will I ever do without you?” Lacy whines dramatically.

  Sitting in her living room on my last night here in California, we’re watching movies, talking about our memories of growing up, and discussing everything that we will miss together when I’m gone. No longer will I see my crazy best friend every morning when we drive to school listening to her loud and obnoxious singing the whole way there, and oddly I think I will miss that the most. It’s what I looked forward to because even if she was off key, we always laughed and had a good time. If I had a bad morning, by the time we made it to school, my day would flip right around.

  “You would be doing pretty much the same thing you do now with one less person.” I smirk.

  “Ugh. But you’re my person; my soul mate. We are supposed to go to senior prom, graduation, and all the amazing parties together for our last year of high school. How can we celebrate together when we get into the same colleges if you’re not here? What about getting an apartment together, finding men to marry us, then divorcing them to marry each other because we will realize men suck!”

  I bark a full-on belly laugh with tears streaming down my face. Leave it to Lacy to bring my sour mood up.

  “You’re crazy. I have no doubt this year will be epic for you. And we can still celebrate together over the phone or on skype. I promise we will talk everyday no matter if it’s over text, email, or phone call. My dad said you could visit over breaks too, if your mom is ok with it.”

  “You promise? Because I will fly over there and hunt you down if you’re lying to me.” Her serious and determined face causes a grin to break free. God, I love this girl. I will miss her so much.

  “Promise. And you can kick my butt if I screw up.”

  “Oh, I will.”

  We lean into each other, wrapping the other in a tight embrace as we sit crisscross on the couch while a horror film plays on the television.

  “Are you nervous?”

  “About the flight?” I ask, dip
ping my hand into the popcorn bowl to grab a hand full, popping the buttery goodness into my mouth.

  “About starting over.”

  I contemplate her words unsure how to answer. There are too many emotions to narrow it down to one prominent feeling, but I try.

  “I’m nervous about my dad’s family. What if they don’t like me? What if I don’t like them? I could be living with an evil step-mom and become Cinderella with my two evil step brothers.” Levi said they are excited and happy to have me there, but he could have just been saying that to calm my nerves.

  “You’re not nervous about school? New people? New place? I wouldn’t worry about his family. You can lock yourself away if they become too much. But you can’t run away from school.”

  “I’m sure the school won’t be any different there as it is here. I’m pretty much a wallflower as it is. I’ll just stay that way while I’m there, too.”

  “No, you need to promise me that you will experience your senior year by going to parties, dating, and stepping out of your shell.”

  “You know I don’t really want to do any of that.”

  “Kayla, promise me you will try.” Lacy’s stern face has me caving in agreement. I know if I don’t at least agree to try, she will bug me every day about it.

  “Fine, fine. I’ll try. But I make no promises that I will enjoy or continue on with these shenanigans you want to subject me to.”

  “That’s all I ask. I won’t be there to drag you out of your shell, so you need to do it for me.” We sit quietly for a little bit, just enjoying each other’s company before Julia, Lacy’s mom, comes home with the smell of greasy pizza as she walks in the door.

  “Pizza, soda, and breadsticks for you girls.”

  “Time to grub!” Lacy jumps up eagerly as she hurries to the kitchen to get her plate. I trail behind and grab a plate for myself, already missing Lacy and Julia and I haven’t even left yet. By the time we head back to the living room to eat and finish our movie, Julia has brought out blankets, pillows, and flashlights.

  “We are going to have a sleepover in the living room for our last night with Kayla.”

  Tears burn the back of my eyes with appreciation over Julia’s gesture. She has thought of everything to make my last night here amazing.

  “Thank you.” Replying softly. Julia gives me a tentative smile trying to hold back the tears I’m sure are ready to spill. These girls are my family and tomorrow I leave them behind. Tonight, is all I have left of them until after graduation and then I can come back, but for now I will miss them dearly.

  We relax the rest of the evening jesting to each other every time the movie scares us and laughing in between at Lacy’s commentary. I’ll remember this time as one of the best nights with my best friend and second mom. Having their support and love is the best feeling in the world. I just wish my mom were here, too.

  ****

  “Kayla, your dad is here honey.” Julia calls me from the living room as I sort the last of my bags early the next morning. Lacy and I never slept last night, wanting to spend the rest of our time hanging out knowing we had all day to catch up on sleep. I’ve already finished putting my carry-on bag together, now I am just putting my toiletries and clothes I wore yesterday away in my suitcase and I’ll be ready to go.

  “Do you think your dad would notice if I locked you up in my closet and explained to him you ran away to Mexico?”

  “Probably,” I chuckle.

  “You can’t leave if I handcuff us together.”

  “Please don’t. I have no idea why you would even have handcuffs, but I’d rather not know.”

  “Not for that you sicko. I had them from my costume last year.”

  “Even if you did handcuff me, he’d just cut them off.”

  “Ugh. Fine.” Lacy plops down on her bed with a sigh of resignation. I know how she feels. It sucks but I have to do this.

  “I’ll miss you, bestie.” I tell her.

  “Me, too. Now I’m stuck with my boyfriend as company. This sucks,” I laugh

  “I thought you loved him?”

  “I do. But he’s not my best friend.” I nod and pull her into a hug.

  “Time to go.” Julia informs us.

  “Ok.” I grab my bags and follow her out to see my dad anxiously waiting for me by the door.

  “Let me take those to the car while you say your goodbyes.”

  “Thanks.” I hand him my bags while he thanks Julia for having me last night and that he will exchange information for Lacy to visit during break once he gets home.

  “Do you think your dad would notice if I packed myself up in a suitcase and came with you?” Shaking my head with a smile I reply.

  “Yes, he’d notice. And no, you can’t come. Your mom needs you.” Julia and Lacy rush me at the same time in a fierce grip squeezing the daylights out of me. I can’t stop the flow of tears as they run furiously down my cheeks.

  “I’ll miss you guys so much.” I choke out.

  “We love you, Kayla. You always have a home here whenever you want or need it.” Julia informs me. I already knew this, but I am still grateful that she let me know. Maybe after high school I will take her up on her offer. For now, I need to focus on my new life.

  “Thanks Julia.” We squeeze each other one last time before I head out to the car my dad rented and slide into the passenger seat. I wave goodbye as we pull away and stare out the window all the way to the airport. Levi stays silent, giving me this time, and I am grateful. I’m not ready to talk right now or else I may turn into a blubbering mess.

  By the time we check in, find our seats and take off, exhaustion catches up and I end up sleeping the three hours to Texas before Levi rouses me awake.

  “Ready, Kayla?” He asks. Blinking my eyes open, I stretch my tired body before nodding my head in answer.

  “Yeah. I think I am.” Smiling at Levi, he returns the smile before heading off the plane. Following my dad to the baggage claim, we wait as the suitcases glide by before finding ours and heading out to the car pick up.

  “My wife is right over here.” Levi points to a large blue SUV parked at the curb a little ways down.

  “Oh.” The time is here. I hope his wife likes me.

  “It will be fine. I promise.” His reassurances do little to stop the anxiety I am feeling. I nod before he leads us to the SUV and loads our bags while I wait on the curb. Standing here prolongs the inevitable, but I feel more comfortable if Levi introduces us first. Once the suitcases are loaded, I climb in to the back seat at the same time as Levi gets in the front. This way, he can introduce us and hopefully it will be less awkward.

  “Hey babe.” Levi leans in for a quick kiss from his wife then sits back and buckles up. Nobody says a word until we are out of the pick-up terminal and on the road.

  “Kayla, meet my wife Sarah. Sarah, this is my daughter Kayla.” Levi’s nervousness shows in the shake of his voice when he speaks. I’m grateful I’m not the only one nervous and feeling out of my element.

  “Oh Kayla, I am so excited to meet you.” Sarah’s southern accent is strong, and she speaks high and excitedly. I wonder if this is how she usually sounds or if it is just excitement making her sound so chipper.

  “Me too, Sarah.” I have no idea how to do this. I’m in uncharted waters, but Sarah seems to not notice as she continues on.

  “Levi has told me so much about you. We talked and talked and the more he described you the more excited I got. Being the only lady of the house is boring and I am so happy to have you with us to help me even out the men.”

  “Oh, I didn’t know he talked about me. All good I hope?”

  “Oh lordy, yes. He is so proud of you. He told me he was excited and anxious to meet you once he found out he had a daughter. I am so sorry by the way. I couldn’t imagine losing a mom so young. I hope you will feel comfortable here with us. I know it’s a big step and I am sure you’re nervous, but there is nothing to be nervous about. We’re family.”

  Sara
h sure can talk. She talks a mile a minute in a loud pitch voice. It’s somewhat hard to follow but comforting all the same. She seems genuine and I’m grateful she doesn’t seem to resent me for interrupting their lives.

  “First thing’s first. We will sign you up for school here, find you a car, and take you shopping.” I groan at the last bit. “You don’t like shopping?” She sounds surprised.

  “I enjoy shopping but trying the clothes on gets exhausting. I usually just let my mom shop for me since she knew what I liked and my size.”

  “Oh. Well that’s ok. We don’t have to go shopping.” The disappointment in her voice pulls at my heart

  “But, maybe if we start small. Perhaps get just a few things, you can help me find some cute clothes.”

  Sarah’s smile returns when she glances back at me brightly. I can’t help but return that smile with one of my own. Maybe this won’t be so bad after all.

  “Great. As for your room, I have already gone shopping and decorated it a little bit, but you can add to it with what you’d like. Make it your own.”

  “Ok. Sounds good.” My dad seems to relax as Sarah and I chat back and forth about what I will need. Maybe he was worried we wouldn’t get along. I could understand that because I worried about the same thing.

  Levi turns in his seat, so he can see me better before speaking. “Kayla, we left the boys with their grandparents for the night, so you could relax your first night here. They will be back early tomorrow morning for our weekly Sunday family breakfast. Normally you will be there every Sunday no exceptions, but since this is your first day here, I’ll let you decide. If you need the time to get used to all of this, we will understand.”

  “Ok. What time is breakfast?” There is no point in putting off the inevitable seeing as I will have to do this eventually.

  “We usually eat at eight,” he said.

  I nod and smile. “Ok. I can do that.”