Counting Goodbyes

by Whitney Cannavina

  “Oh. You didn’t know? That’s a shame. Austin asked me this morning if I would attend with him. We’re together now.”

  “You’re such a hag, Evangeline.” Bobby grips my arm as she pulls me away, out of the cafeteria and into the girl’s restroom. Once inside, I instantly break down into earth shattering sobs. Falling to the ground, the sounds coming from my mouth and the shakes that wrack my body overtake me and I can’t seem to stop them. Bobby wraps herself around me, holding me close, uttering soothing words to me that I can’t even hear over my pain and tears. We stay like that for god knows how long before my cries subside.

  “I’m sorry, Kayla. I didn’t know.” Bobby says quietly.

  “I know.” We hold onto each other as I try to breath in and out before confessing to Bobby my feelings. “I love him.”

  “I know.”

  “I told him I loved him. Just before…Just before I ended things. I wanted him to ask me to go with him, so we could be together. But the way he was looking at me, I just knew. I knew it was the end, so I spoke first. I had to. It killed me to do it, but I needed to. I couldn’t wait for him to end it then and there or even when we graduated. It would have been too hard.” Bobby nods in agreement before rising from the dirty tiled bathroom floor. Lowering a hand down to me, I use my sleeve to wipe my tears before grabbing her hand to help me up.

  “Let’s get you home.” Bobby suggests.

  “I have work after school.”

  “School ended twenty minutes ago.” I nod my head not surprised. “I guess then that we should get you to work.”

  That night, I worked like a zombie. I moved through the motions of greeting customers, serving them ice cream, cleaning, and closing up. I couldn’t tell you if it was busy or not or if I helped anyone I knew. I can’t even tell you how I made it home. I was in a daze, hoping that tomorrow would be a better day.

  ****

  For the next week it took all my energy avoiding Austin and his defeated stares. I couldn’t see the sadness that haunted every glance between him and I. If I saw him at his locker, I turned the other way. If he came to lunch, I gave an excuse to leave and hid in the hall in the hopes that he wouldn’t follow. Even in class, I switched seats with another girl and switched partners to avoid having to work one on one with Austin on our projects. I couldn’t bear to be in such proximity to him and not touch him or profess my undying love for him. It was too much, and yet it wasn’t enough because even though I wanted to stay as far away as possible from him, I couldn’t help but watch every move he made when he wasn’t looking my way.

  To help me forget, I worked more hours at the ice cream shop, spent a lot of time on homework and extra credit, and took on all the chores of the house to occupy myself. My dad had no idea how to deal with my heartbreak and I couldn’t stand to see the pitied looks he gave me. He was confused, scared, and unsure of how to deal with the broken heart of a teenage girl. At least I thought that he couldn’t but alas, he has decided to finally broach the subject one afternoon as I sat at the table finishing my homework.

  “Kayla. Can we talk for a moment?” Sliding my notebook over, I give my dad my undivided attention.

  “What’s up dad?”

  “Um…” clearing his throat, my dad tries again to find the right words. “When a relationship ends…I mean, um, when you have a broken heart…”

  “Dad.” Levi pulls at his collar as he tries to alleviate the tightness around his neck. He’s obviously not used to this sort of thing and seeing my dad squirm in his seat is amusing.

  “Yeah?” He questions.

  “We don’t have to do this. I’m fine.”

  “You are not fine, Kayla. You’ve been moping around here since you and Austin, uh, since you guys you know…split.” Wincing as if it pains him to say this, I smile for the first time at the awkward man in front of me. What happened to the man threatening to go hunting if a boy hurt me?

  “Yes, I am sad. Heartbroken I guess you could say. But I decided this. I needed to end things before we got too deep in the relationship. If Austin had asked me to follow him to university, I would have said yes. But he didn’t, and I don’t fault him for it. I just made the decision that it was time to end things before it was too serious for me to be ok if things ended later.”

  “You want to stay here in Texas?” My dad questions. I contemplate this and come to a decision.

  “Yeah. I think I do. If that is ok with you of course?” I should have discussed this with Levi and Sarah, but I want to stay close. They’re my only family I have left. If, down the road, I decide Texas isn’t where I want to be, I could always move back to California. I know it will be hard being here when my mom is so far away, but I plan to visit Lacy and Julia. I’ll be sure to bring extra flowers and save up all the good news when I visit my mom’s grave. And yes, I know I don’t have to be at her grave in order to talk to her because she will always be in my heart. I just like the thought of being able to touch the place she rests when I tell her about my life.

  Dad pulls me into a tight embrace, and I knew I made the right choice in staying here. Now I just need to decide on a college I want to attend. There are so many, but I’d like to be close; no more than a few hours drive away if possible.

  “Will you help me find a college?” The excitement and love that shines in my father’s eyes reflects in mine as we return each other’s grins.

  “I’ll give you a list to look at later with all the qualities they have going for them.” In a way, I guess it’s a good thing Austin and I am no longer together. At least this way, I will have a choice of where I want to go without the influence of a boy.

  ****

  As the weekend comes to a close, I tell Lacy my big news hoping she supports my decision. I shouldn’t have been surprised by her support when she said it was a good idea for me to stay close to my family. After the conversation of me staying in Texas, I asked her what has happened since she left.

  “So, I don’t know if I should tell you this, but I’ve been talking to Andrew.” My breath hitches at the mention of Andrew. I knew Lacy and Andrew grew close in such a short time, but I hadn’t realized how close.

  “Oh. That’s good.” What else could I say? He probably hates that I broke his brothers heart. Or at least I think I did. But word on the street is Austin is with Evangeline now so maybe I hadn’t been important to him after all.

  “I’ll just tell you about it later. It obviously bothers you.” The sadness in my best friend’s tone pulls me out of my funk.

  “No, it’s ok. Tell me all about you guys. I really want to know what’s been going on.”

  “You sure?”

  “Definitely.”

  “Ok.” Lacy begins to tell me everything from the time they spent together while she was here to the conversations they’ve had since she left. They both seem fond of each other and Lacy is even thinking of going to a college near Andrew. It worries me because I want her to choose her own path, but at the same time, I love that she is taking what she wants and going after it.

  “Lace. I love you but it’s ten here and I’ve got school in the morning. I’ll call you tomorrow after work, so we can talk more.”

  “Ok. Love you, bestie.”

  “Love you too.”

  We hang up and for the first time in over a week, instead of dreaming of Austin walking away from me as I drown in a pit of black, I fall into a deep and dreamless sleep.

  Chapter 21

  Hell is empty

  and all the devils

  are here.

  -William Shakespeare-

  “Only a week in a half before Christmas break. I am so freaking happy.” Bobby claps excitedly before gripping my arm in a painful grasp.

  “Owe.” Prying her fingers off my arm, I rub the spot where her fingers dug into my flesh.

  “Oops. Sorry. “Bobby says sheepishly.

  “It’s fine. So, have you already gone shopping for presents?”

  “Nah. I will do that la
st minute as usual.”

  “Well I plan to shop this weekend. You want to go with me? Maybe you’ll see something you like for someone else.”

  “Yeah. I guess that could work.” Shrugging one shoulder, I bump her with my hip as I smile at her lack of enthusiasm.

  “It’s fine if you don’t want to. I was making a suggestion.” Just as we rounded the corner, Bobby stops abruptly causing me to stumble as she pulls me to a stop with her.

  “What the… No need to give me whiplash.” I am about to turn back around but she stops me in my tracks.

  “You know what… why don’t you come with me to the bathroom. I really need to fix my hair. I think the bobby pins are falling out.” Giving her a confused look, I check her pins and find nothing amiss.

  “Your hair is fine. Quit being weird.” Turning back, I start to make my way to my locker and stop dead in my tracks. Leaning at his locker looking as handsome as ever is Austin, but he’s not alone. Evangeline is hanging all over him, kissing his jaw and pawing at him like a cat in heat. Even though he looks bored, it doesn’t deter from the fact that he allows Evangeline to hang all over him.

  Just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, he wraps an arm around her shoulders before whispering into her ear. I could only imagine what he is saying to her, as he seems smitten that she’s his girl now. I can feel my breakfast trying to make an appearance as my stomach drops and nausea sets in. I guess Evangeline was telling the truth. They really are together. It was inevitable and somewhere in the back of my mind I knew they were meant to be. But it doesn’t change the fact that I still had hope.

  “Kayla…” Bobby begins to say something, but I stop whatever excuse she tries to placate me with.

  “It’s fine. I’m fine. I just need a moment to…I just wasn’t expecting it. I’m fine.” Bobby grips my hand in hers as Beau comes around to my other side throwing an arm around me. When did he arrive? “I’m fine.” Shrugging off their comfort, I make a beeline to my locker before hurrying to my next class. Glancing back just before rounding the corner, I see Austin staring at me with intense irritation. I’m not sure what I did to cause that look, but at this point I don’t care. I can’t take it, as I look away first, hiding the tears that stream down my face.

  By the time lunch comes around, I feel exhausted trying to avoid any conversation of the events this morning. The pitying looks that other students give me makes me wish I could just run away from it all, but instead I hold my chin up and do my best to ignore them. Eventually they will stop, and this will be nothing but a distant memory.

  “Oh, look who it is. It’s the wannabe ‘it’ girl. Guess you couldn’t hack it as Austin’s girlfriend. That’s why he came running back to me.” I say nothing as Evangeline gives me the death glare while ripping my heart to pieces with every word she utters. Instead, I push forward and hurry to get away before she sees me break. “Guess you weren’t good enough for him.” She yells just as I pass through the doors into the cafeteria.

  “Hey darlin’.” That voice. That deep, beautiful drawl that slips around my heart and warms me to my toes stops me in my tracks.

  “Leave me alone, Austin.” The tremor in my voice is evident to even me as I try to keep it together long enough to get away.

  “Kayla, I just wanted to talk to you. Explain a few things, but you’ve been avoiding me like the plague.” The need in his voice is unmistakable but it doesn’t deter from the fact that he was going to end things with me if I hadn’t done it first.

  “Just…just go away Austin. I can’t do this. I can’t do any of this. Go back to your girlfriend and let me move on.” I whisper out the last of my words before sprinting out of the exit doors on the other side of the room, but not before I hear my name as a desperate cry from his lips.

  “Kayla!”

  I end up skipping the rest of the day at school, opting to hide out at home. Who knew a break up would have me running like a scared little mouse. Sarah checks on me as I lie in bed feigning sickness, but I’m sure she knows it’s just a façade. Sarah doesn’t press further though, for which I am grateful.

  When I wake the next morning, not realizing I missed dinner last night after crying myself to sleep, I decide that as of this day forward, I will no longer let Austin affect me. It’s time to move on.

  Arriving to school, I make my way past the groups of students milling by the entrance, turning the corner to see Austin leaning against his locker talking to his teammates, including Beau. Beau waves with a beaming smile before saying his goodbyes. Austin continues to follow me with his eyes, but I choose to ignore him. It’s easier that way.

  “Well hello gorgeous. Did you do something new to your hair today, because you look radiant.”

  “Not at all. I just decided it was time to move on. I’m putting the break up behind me and not letting it interfere with my future.”

  “Well, this new outlook looks good on you.” Kissing my cheek in a friendly way, Beau smacks Bobby’s butt before dipping her back and kissing her senseless. It’s romantic, fun, and so adorable. I love that my two best friends are so happy.

  “Get a room you two.” I suggest good-naturedly.

  Gathering my things for class, I make my way through the halls with Bobby and Beau following behind me.

  “I’ll see you two at lunch.” Beau kisses Bobby sweetly on the lips before kissing my cheek, heading off to his class just down the way a few doors.

  “You guys are so adorable.” Bobby scrunches her face at my use of the word adorable.

  “That’s not supposed to be adorable.” Taking our seats, the bell rings and class begins.

  After about twenty minutes, I let the teacher know I forgot something in my locker, so she lets me leave. I was so preoccupied with trying to move on, I left without my folder that has my homework inside. Just as I shut my locker, a loud bang startles me, followed by two more only moments later. Looking up and down the hall, I try to figure out what would make such a booming noise, but before it fully registers, a loud, screeching alarm goes off causing me to cover my ears to block out the sound.

  Hurrying with my folder in my hand, I try to reach my class in the hopes that the alarm isn’t as deafening inside, only to stop short at the scene before me. Lying in a pool of blood on the floor is a student who seems to be unconscious or possibly worse; dead. Tentatively, I make my way toward the boy in hopes that he has some condition I am unaware of that causes them to bleed out. When I finally reach him and bend down to check his pulse, I find none and I instantly begin to feel sick. Looking around me, I search for the source of the student’s death finding nobody around.

  Stumbling back, I hold my stomach trying to keep from vomiting on the linoleum in front of me. Just as I am about to turn and run, I see someone peak out of the men’s bathroom causing my heart to stop in fear that it’s the killer. Instant relief fills me when I see it’s Beau.

  “Oh my god, Beau. Thank god it’s you. He’s…he’s dead. We have to tell someone.” I try to yell over the alarm that continues to fill the halls in a deafening beep.

  Rushing to me, Beau grips my arm and pulls me with him down the hall in the opposite direction of our classes.

  “Beau, stop. What are you doing?” I try to pull him to a stop, but he doesn’t budge as he finds a room where the door is unlocked.

  “Shh. Come on. I’ll explain what happened, but we need to hide.” Fear grips me and for a moment and I don’t budge. Beau notices my hesitance, as he turns and picks me up bridal style before sneaking into the empty classroom and locking the door behind him.

  “Beau.” I whisper. He doesn’t hear me as he starts to close the blinds and curtains to all the windows in the room. “Beau.” I say a little louder. Still nothing. “Beau!” I shout.

  “Shh. He’ll hear you.” Beau looks to me with wide-eyed fear and dried tears on his cheeks that I hadn’t noticed before.

  “Who’s gonna hear me? Beau, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? Why are we hiding?�
� Beau peeks out of the window of the door before sliding down next to me and gripping my hand in his cold and shaking ones.

  “The student in the hall, he was shot. Another student killed him. I saw it happen, but I couldn’t stop it. I was too late. I was lucky that the shooter didn’t see me. When I heard you scream, I knew I couldn’t leave you there in case the shooter came back. As far as I know, there is only one. But I could be wrong.”

  I freeze in shock, fear, and utter disbelief. How is this possible? These things just don’t happen in small towns. Who would do such a thing?

  “Do you know who it was?” Beau’s heavy pants ratchet my fear as I wait for his answer.

  “Timothy.”

  ****

  “How long should we wait here for?” Whispering so as not to be heard by outside wanderers. Beau barely hears me as he shrugs his shoulders, remaining mute.

  “Did you bring your phone?” Shaking his head, my hope plummets because neither of us have a phone to contact someone and let them know where we are.

  It’s only been an hour and we haven’t heard anything outside the halls, and I start to wonder if we just imagined everything that happened. The alarm hasn’t stopped going off which is the only indicator that what we saw wasn’t just our imagination.

  “We should probably move away from the door and hide.” Nodding my head, we begin to search the room for a place to hide until the police find us. On the opposite side of the room is an empty two-door cabinet.

  “Psst. Beau. This should fit one or even both of us.” Climbing inside, I make room just as the door handle to the classroom jiggles causing Beau and I to freeze in our spots hoping that we hadn’t been heard. We have no idea who is on the other side of that door, but we can’t be too careful.