Lovestruck

by Bronwyn Sell

  Josh got up too, stretching. ‘Mate, I’m done in. If I don’t get to bed soon, you’ll find me snoring on one of those beach loungers in the morning. I’ll walk with you.’

  Amy got another flash of her Josh-kissing fantasy. Lucky there was literally someone standing—or sleeping—in their way. ‘It’s okay, sweetheart,’ she crooned, taking the chance to rearrange Mika into a more ergonomic position, facing in, her arms and legs anchoring around Amy like a monkey, Amy’s hand cradling the back of her neck. ‘Aunty Aims has got you.’

  Mika burrowed her head into the crook of Amy’s neck, harrumphed, and dropped back into sleep, turning into a hot lead weight again. Her grip on Amy loosened, forcing—forcing—Amy to cuddle tighter. Amy’s heart might actually be melting, and she’d challenge any biologist to prove otherwise.

  Carmen pushed up from her spot at the other end of the table and hurried over. ‘I completely lost track of the time. I should get her home. Shall I take her?’

  ‘Definitely not,’ Amy said, turning away. ‘Mine!’ And there it appeared, gift-wrapped and with a big bow—an escape route from any more charged encounters between her and Josh, at least for tonight. ‘You stay. You haven’t seen Dad in ages, and you’ve been so busy with wedding prep. I’ll put her to bed. I can sleep on your sofa tonight, so don’t hurry back.’

  Carmen frowned. ‘Why don’t you just—?’

  ‘No, no, it’s fine,’ Amy said. Of course, she knew she could sleep in her mother’s apartment and leave the concealed connecting door open to Carmen’s neighbouring unit, but Josh didn’t. She stepped closer, putting her back to Josh, and dropped to a whisper. ‘Guess who my new roommate is, in Mum’s apartment?’

  ‘Girl, you move fast!’

  ‘You haven’t guessed yet!’

  ‘Now, let me think. Josh?’

  ‘How did you know? And it wasn’t me moving fast. Mum’s shacking up with Viggo for the week.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘I know.’

  ‘And you’re using my child as an excuse to chicken out!’

  ‘Exactly.’

  ‘Maybe I’ll just come home now.’

  ‘Don’t you dare.’

  ‘Go on,’ Carmen said, nudging Amy with her elbow, ‘vicarious thrills are all the thrills I’m likely to get.’

  Josh cleared his throat. Amy and Carmen sprang apart (as far as you could ‘spring’ while carrying fifteen kilos of child).

  ‘Are you sure you don’t mind?’ Carmen said, back to regular volume. ‘I didn’t bring the pram down for her. You could take a golf buggy?’

  ‘I could use a walk.’ There was nothing more peaceful than walking through the resort at night. ‘But fair warning, I might eat her on toast for breakfast because she’s just so darn yummy.’

  Carmen stroked Amy’s upper arm. ‘You are actually the best.’

  ‘You might not be saying that after breakfast.’

  ‘Make sure you get her to go to the toilet before she goes to bed. Just sit her on it, even if you have to prop her up. And make sure she has Fog and Googy, and she likes to have the blind raised but only by eight centimetres, and help her brush her teeth, but oh, if she wants some milk first, use the organic stuff in the door of the fridge and not the normal stuff, and then brush her teeth, and her sleep-time music is on the tablet on the kitchen counter but make sure to turn it off after about half an hour, and put some water in a sippy cup by her bed, and if she wants a book, the best one is any Elephant and Piggy book because they don’t hype her up too much. Definitely don’t read her Knuffle Bunny, even if she begs, because it always reminds her of the day she lost her stuffed lobster at Prossy, and—’

  ‘We’ll be fine, sis,’ Amy said, speaking over Carmen. ‘I’ll message you if we need anything.’

  Carmen blinked her I’m-doing-it-again-aren’t-I? blink, and Amy smiled her but-we-love-you-for-it smile. ‘Right,’ said Carmen, pulling out a key. ‘Oh. You don’t have pockets.’

  ‘I’ll carry it,’ Josh said, at the same time Amy said, ‘Shove it down my bra.’ She tipped toward Carmen, and Josh’s gaze dipped downwards, and then he snapped it back to her face as if he’d seen something frightening. She straightened. ‘On second thought, give it to Josh,’ she said. ‘We’ll need a key for Mum’s apartment too. I didn’t bring mine. I naively didn’t expect my mother to abandon me for a booty call.’

  ‘Already taken care of,’ Josh said, patting his back pocket. ‘Your mum gave me hers.’

  ‘What if I’d said no to the room swap?’

  ‘You wouldn’t stand in the way of true love, would you?’

  Carmen snorted. A small part of Amy tried to convince the rest of Amy that he wasn’t talking about her mother and Viggo. She gagged it with a cyanide-laced cloth.

  ‘I thought you didn’t believe in true love?’ Amy said.

  ‘But I know you do, so I’m reaching out to you at your level.’

  As they left the chatter and music of the bar, they slipped into silence. Amy chose to interpret it as mutual reverence for their surroundings rather than awkwardness. And the surroundings were worth shutting up for—the gentle rush of the tide, their footsteps patting on boardwalks and then crunching on river-stone paths, curlews wailing from the beach, glossy broad green leaves and showy flowers up-lit in the gardens, the scent of earth and plants … the BEWARE: FALLING COCONUTS signs nailed to the palm trunks.

  A couple of guests walked past, smiling at them indulgently. Yep, they looked like that family. Amy brushed a kiss on the hot, damp curls swirled over Mika’s crown, and Josh smiled indulgently. Melty melt melt melt.

  They turned onto the path up to the staff apartments, the noise from the table echoing around the bay. Amy took a deep breath. She’d never been good at holding her own in big group conversations, even here, where she’d known almost everyone her whole life. She’d rather have one person at a time, all to herself.

  ‘You must miss her when you’re not here,’ Josh said, nodding at Mika.

  ‘You have no idea.’

  ‘How often do you come up?’

  ‘Every Christmas and one other trip when I can, but it’s scary how quickly a year goes by. You notice it more with a little kid in the family.’

  ‘I guess you would.’ Again, with that bite of longing. ‘Will you move here, one day?’

  ‘I’d love to. But moving up before I’m ready would be like a pleasant life sentence. And to be honest, Carmen and I get along better when we’re not living in the same state. Besides, you’ve seen what Nan’s like—you’re not safe unless you BYO spouse.’

  ‘He’d be a lucky guy.’

  Ugh, what was with that wistful tone? Lucky because he’d be with Amy, or because she came with a tropical island and all-you-could-eat family? She hoisted Mika and tried to anchor the pudgy arms back around her neck but the kid was in a whole other level of sleep.

  ‘I can carry her for a bit, if you think Carmen will be okay with it,’ Josh said.

  Amy’s instinct was to say no and keep Mika all to herself, but she was no longer sure she could make it up the hill without her legs giving out. They should have taken that golf buggy. ‘Well, you’re about to be her uncle.’

  ‘An uncle,’ he repeated, possibly to himself. ‘I never thought I’d be an uncle.’

  It turned out you couldn’t pass over a child without a bit of personal contact. Josh had to pretty much excavate Mika, which meant his hands and arms brushed against all sorts of parts of Amy that were inappropriately interested in the attention.

  ‘It’s okay, baby,’ Amy cooed, as Mika murmured and lurched her head up. ‘Uncle Josh has got you.’ Josh stroked the back of Mika’s hair, and she shuffled and then slumped, her head resting on his shoulder. She suddenly looked tiny. ‘Aww, she suits you.’

  ‘Kinda freaking out here, but in a good way. I don’t think I’ve ever carried a kid before. Can I ask what happened with her father? You don’t have to tell me though.’

  ‘It’s not a s
ecret. Carmen’s always been open about it with the family.’ And you’re family. ‘It was a very uncharacteristic one-night stand when she was in Chicago for a conference. Contraception failure. She tried to track him down afterward, but she only ever knew his first name and that he was a soldier or Marine or something. Apparently there are a few guys called Mike in the US military.’

  ‘Who knew?’

  ‘I know, right? She still has some feelers out, but she reached a stage where she had to get on with things alone, and she’s thoroughly capable of that. Although, of course, she moved here so she’s never going to be parenting alone even if she wants to. Sometimes I wonder if Mika remembers which one her mother is.’

  ‘How terrifying would it be to suddenly find out you had a three-year-old? Not going to happen to me, if I can help it.’

  ‘You might fall in love tomorrow, despite your best intentions, and everything might change.’

  Oh why would you go there?

  ‘Nah. Happy families aren’t my thing, unless I’m leeching on someone else’s.’

  ‘You can have a kid without the relationship,’ she said, nodding at Mika, who was leaving a patch of drool on Josh’s T-shirt. He was even cuter with baby spit on him. ‘I mean, you can’t, obviously, well not without doing the first part or some version of it.’ Would you just shut up? ‘My point is that it doesn’t have to be a nuclear family to be a real family.’

  ‘I wouldn’t want to do that to a kid. I mean,’ he added, quickly, ‘I’m sure Mika here will be fine—more than fine—with the family she’s got around her, but it’s not something I’d choose for my kid, if there was one, which there won’t be. I know my folks did the best they could under the circumstances, and I’m not complaining about that at all, but I’d rather avoid forcing those circumstances onto another kid.’

  ‘So you’re planning to go through life with no close relationships?’

  ‘I’ll make an exception for you.’

  ‘You’ll what?’

  He slowed his pace. ‘I mean as a brother. I’ll be happy to have a long-term relationship with you, as you know, brother and sister. And with Carmen. Because siblings are forever, right? I mean, I know some don’t end up like that, but sibling relationships probably have a higher success rate than romantic relationships, long-term.’ He spat the word romantic. ‘But really I have no fu—’ He peered down at Mika. ‘No blood— No jolly idea.’

  She laughed. ‘You’ll be a good uncle, as well as a good brother.’ The way Amy and Carmen’s love lives were tracking, he might be Mika’s only shot at an uncle.

  ‘Oh, man, I’d like that.’ He studied Amy, his eyes narrowing, and she sensed he was on the precipice of something. Her hands did that thing where they forgot how to be hands. ‘Tonight,’ he began, and then paused and swallowed, ‘I’m guessing that’s a regular night on the island for you, but for me? I’ve never had that feeling of being surrounded by a family that I can maybe call my own.’

  It wasn’t a regular night for her either, not with him there. ‘Of course you can call us your own, as long as your cynicism doesn’t bust up our dads before the end of the week.’

  ‘I promise to leave it zipped up in my carry-on.’

  They walked along the veranda shared by the lower level of staff apartments on the western rise of the bay, and she unlocked Carmen’s door and slid it open.

  ‘I’m surprised you guys even lock the doors here.’

  ‘Not everyone bothers but Mum once had some jewellery stolen by daytrippers so she’s paranoid now. And Carmen doesn’t need any encouragement to be obsessive.’ Amy turned the lights on dim and flicked on the ceiling fan. ‘Put Mika on the sofa for now.’

  He laid her down like he was being careful not to break her, and stroked a clutch of curls from her eyes. They immediately plopped back down. He tried again, holding the hair back for a few seconds as if it might develop muscle memory. Nope.

  ‘You know what they need to invent?’ he said. ‘A clip that holds hair back.’

  ‘You’d make a fortune,’ Amy deadpanned.

  ‘I’ll go get my stuff from Viggo’s. You need anything from your mum’s apartment now?’

  ‘Nah. I’ll pop in to get my PJs and stuff when you’re back.’ It seemed odd to be discussing sleeping arrangements. Next-level awkwardness every hour. ‘Take a golf buggy, if you like.’

  ‘Good plan.’ He stretched his neck to one side. ‘Might have overdone the bike ride today.’

  Amy had just got Mika tucked up into bed with Fog, the stuffed frog Amy had given her the day she was born, when she heard Josh return next door. After spending a good five minutes memorising every eyelash and pore on her niece’s face, Amy stole outside and hovered her hand over the sliding door. The curtains behind it were drawn. Usually she’d fling open the internal interconnecting door but for now she’d rather Josh assume it was the floor-length mirror it was disguised as—a little trick by Harry’s architect dad when he designed the apartments. Should she knock or just go in? Which would potentially be more awkward? She settled on opening the door slowly while loudly clearing her throat. Josh was at the kitchen sink, still fully dressed, which was both disappointing and a relief.

  ‘Finding everything you need?’ she said, sounding like an overeager Airbnb host. Like Carmen’s, the apartment was bigger than most of the staff quarters, with two bedrooms instead of the usual one, and a kitchenette, but it looked tiny with Josh in it.

  ‘Yep, all good. You want a glass of water?’ he said, pouring himself one.

  ‘No thanks. Well, make yourself at home!’ Idiot. ‘I’ll just …’ She pointed at her bedroom, and then followed her own direction, returning a minute later with her PJs, pillow, doona and toilet bag. ‘Sleep well!’

  He slid open the door for her. ‘So, Aims,’ he said quietly as she stepped out, ‘are we going to do this thing?’

  Holy smokes. ‘Um, what thing?’

  ‘The lift.’

  ‘Oh.’

  ‘Even just so it clears my name with Sanjay,’ he said, grinning, ‘once he realises what we were really up to this afternoon.’

  And what were we really up to?

  She breathed deeply, catching a whiff of a sweet woodsy scent. He’d re-sprayed his cologne.

  ‘Go on,’ he said, ‘it’ll be fun.’

  He wanted to do it. Her mum wanted them to do it. Her dad would love it. Sanjay would love that her dad loved it. Like with the roommate situation, Amy just needed to get over herself—get over this ridiculous attraction, seeing as Josh evidently had.

  ‘Sure,’ she said. ‘We’ll do it.’

  ‘Yasss.’ He held up his hand for a brotherly fist bump. She bumped with the hand holding her toilet bag, making it swing. ‘I guess we should start tomorrow, seeing as we already lost a day.’

  ‘I guess.’

  He followed her out and opened the door to Carmen’s apartment for her. ‘And we should find a more remote location where we won’t get sprung. Otherwise you might have to listen to a whole new lecture about how dastardly I am.’

  ‘Good thinking. And this time we’ll take spotters.’

  He tilted his head, assessing her expression. Good luck with that. She wasn’t at all sure what she was feeling on the inside, let alone what was displaying on the outside.

  ‘Sure you’re all good about this?’ he said.

  ‘I’m fine. Just shattered.’

  For a second, he lingered, chewing on his lower lip like he might lean in for a kiss—not a lip kiss, maybe a light touch to the forehead. ‘Night, sis,’ he said eventually, and slid the door closed between them.

  ‘Night, bro,’ she whispered to her own face in the glass.

  When Carmen returned, much later, Amy was tucked up on the sofa bed, still awake, thoughts washing through her brain. She pretended to be asleep so wouldn’t have to face the third degree.

  ‘Familiarity breeds contempt’ wasn’t working, and ‘out of sight, out of mind’ wasn’t an option, which lef
t plain old denial and self-restraint. That had been her primary operating system for so long that she wouldn’t know how to share her true feelings with a guy even if she had the guts to. Way safer to shut up so you didn’t destroy a perfectly sound friendship, even if it was like acupuncture to the heart when he told you how grateful he was that you’d set him up with insert-name-of-friend-here, even when a year later he asked you to be his groomswoman in his wedding to said woman (true story!) and the needles quietly splintered inside as you beamed and said you’d be honoured. And you kept that inane grin on your face right through the wedding prep and the hen’s night and the buck’s night (because you’d been to more buck’s nights than half the men you knew) and the rehearsal and the ceremony and the reception, where you gave a speech about how gosh-darn happy you were to see things work out between two great people you cared for so much.

  Always the groomswoman, never the bride.

  She flipped onto her side and tried out her I’m-so-happy-for-you smile on the wall between the two apartments. She pictured her mother’s room, Josh asleep on his side, facing her, his hair floppy and damp. She touched the wall with one finger and traced circles over it.

  There’s no way in hell I’d go there.

  ‘Me either,’ she mouthed.

  Crushes came and went but, like he said, siblings were forever.

  Trip Review: Curlew Bay

  Rating:

  Review: The old lady owner asked if I was single and then offered me a job! Another staff member overheard and apologised and said the old lady has dementia. So sad.

  19

  Sophia

  For once, Sophia had no idea of the time. No watch, no phone, no clock. It could be two in the morning or four. The sky was a bottomless black studded with stars, stretching up from cliffs and trees in varying depths of charcoal. Some ancient navigator could probably have calculated the time from the moon and stars or the tides. In fact, Harry probably could. How long had they been sitting out here talking? She could ask him, seeing as he was reclining on the lounger beside hers, but for once, what did time matter? She had nothing to get up for tomorrow, which wasn’t the depressing thought it had been for the past few days.