Lovestruck

by Bronwyn Sell

  ‘But I might not be.’

  She met his gaze, confused. ‘If you’re worried about what everyone will say, don’t. Sure, we’ll have to deal with bad jokes from some of the cousins but once that sticking plaster is ripped off …’

  He gave a short laugh. ‘That didn’t occur to me.’

  ‘Then what?’

  Hell. She really didn’t get it. He glanced at Grandpa, who quickly looked away, pretending he wasn’t listening. Josh touched her elbow, to coax her outside, but she flinched and shook it off.

  ‘Let’s go somewhere more private.’ He jerked his head toward the jacaranda at the side of the forecourt. Once out on the grass, in the shade, he resumed in a quiet voice. ‘You think we had all that time together and I didn’t feel anything for you? I crossed the line in every single way. I led you on for way too long, and in all sincerity, I’m so sorry about that.’

  ‘I know you are. Don’t stress, I forgive you. Not that there’s anything to forgive. You were straight-up from the beginning.’

  ‘But Aims.’ He closed his eyes a second and took a breath. ‘I also led myself on. I fell in love with you, too, only I didn’t realise it until afterwards when I had to deal with …’ He shook his head. ‘Saying no to you that day was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’ve felt like shit ever since, worse than I ever thought it would be. Right now I need to keep far away from you so I don’t … so we don’t … Even though that’s slowly killing me. So no, I can’t come and play happy families, and I’m sorry about that too, as well as everything else I’ve fucked up, and I’m not sure how many more times I can say sorry but if that’s what it takes …’

  She stared at him, her mouth dropping open. ‘Well, holy shit,’ she said, eventually. ‘What is wrong with you?’

  Okay. Not the response he’d expected. ‘Uh. I think you know better than most all the many things that are wrong with me.’

  ‘I know what you say is wrong with you, but I don’t believe it.’

  ‘I’m not following.’

  ‘You’re feeding yourself bullshit because you’re scared. The only thing between you and being happy is your fear.’

  He tried to touch her again, but she snatched her arms away.

  ‘I can’t give you what you want,’ he said. ‘What you need. Deserve. You know that. You’ve always known that.’

  The bell rang, immediately followed by the station speaker. Rubbish fire. ‘Shit, I have to go. I’m sorry. Again.’

  She grabbed his elbow, gripping tight. ‘You are such a moron. I don’t have to settle for either some stupid friends-with-benefits arrangement or nothing, and neither do you. There’s another choice here. You can choose to have everything—it’s right here in front of you. You say you’re in love with me, and that’s the first I’ve heard of it.’ She scoffed. ‘Well, guess what? You can have me. You can have me and a big crazy family, if that’s what you want. Stop waiting for things to be perfect, because they never are, no one ever is. It’s like you have this ache to belong somewhere. Well, there’s somewhere you do belong but you can’t have it unless you put yourself out there and take a risk and be, I don’t know, vulnerable.’ She released his elbow, with a slight and possibly unintentional shove, like she was throwing it back at him. Her whole face was fired up—her eyes, her skin, her mouth. ‘And that wasn’t at all what I came here to say, fuck it. I’m over begging for something I can’t have. I am out of this relationsh— out of whatever the hell it was. My pride and my heart have taken enough knocks this year—this lifetime. Come for Christmas. Don’t come for Christmas. Come and front up and be part of this family or don’t be part of this family. Have everything or have nothing. Your choice.’

  Grandpa called his name. Josh pointed weakly at the truck, not knowing what to say, how to take that, how to begin to get his head around it. ‘I really have to—’ He’d seen Amy upset but he’d never seen her this fired up.

  She jabbed him in the biceps, just below his shirtsleeve. ‘That is such a crock.’

  ‘What?’

  ‘Your tattoo. Adapt to survive, and all that. But you refuse to adapt, even if it kills you. Here,’ she said, digging into her handbag. She thrust a piece of paper at his chest like she was trying to stab him with it.

  ‘What’s this?’ he said, taking it.

  ‘A printout of available flights, as of an hour ago. Cody can pick you up from wherever you get in.’ She threw up her hands, in a no-take-backs gesture. ‘And that’s it, I’m out. Fucking falling coconuts,’ she added in a mutter.

  She swivelled and walked away.

  Trip Review: Curlew Bay

  Rating:

  Review: I thought it’d be nice to go to the tropics for Christmas but it’s far too hot, even in the ocean and pool.

  41

  Amy

  Everything about this was wrong.

  Amy was sitting at the bar with Rosa, both as dateless as they’d been at Geoff’s wedding but extra gloomy because of what might have been. Harry was mixing dodgy cocktails, as per Christmas night tradition but his energy seemed forced. Maybe the what-might-have-beens were catching. Or it could be the gazillion-degree temps. Amy was, as usual, inappropriately dressed, this time in the blue dress she’d worn to Dad’s wedding—Carmen had insisted they go for round two in their outfits, complete with the silver heels. When do I get an excuse to wear a dress like this? It’s not like anyone else in the family is in danger of getting married. Rosa was also wearing her dress from the wedding, a red halter-neck (of course) with a dash of tango to it, and Jaz had insisted on doing their hair and makeup. But somehow, being glammed up and sitting around moping on the day everyone was supposed to be happy—and in this dress of all dresses—just made Amy’s what-might-have-beens more acute.

  They didn’t even have Sanjay for their viewing pleasure. Nor Viggo. And there would be no Josh walking through the doors to upend Amy’s life, and thank the stars for that. She looked across at the spot she’d first seen him, ruffled from his journey, putting his backpack down, looking around. The guy who was fixed in her memory from that moment was a whole other guy from the one she knew now, like the before and after Joshes were twins. Back then he was just tall, dark, handsome and a touch goofy. The image had filled out since, with a thousand little moments and quirks and discoveries but the one thing that the initial Josh and the current Josh had in common was that they seemed equally unattainable. And yeah, they were both gorgeous, goddamn them.

  She screwed up her face. How many times had she made a fool of herself over that man, yesterday being her crowning glory? She was losing count of all the ways he’d rejected her. She’d meant to go in yesterday all calm and chilled and give him the flights and brightly say he was welcome at Christmas, that things might not have worked out between them but he was part of the family and that would never change. Her gracious Christmas gift. Being the bigger person. And she’d just blown on up. Again.

  Curlew Bay: Beware of falling coconuts.

  It was his comment about being in love with her. She still couldn’t work out whether it made her feel better or worse about everything. Better in that she hadn’t imagined it. But worse in that he loved her but wasn’t willing to fight his own stupid hang-ups to have her. He’d rather walk away from her and her entire family, which was the one thing he’d wanted most on that day he showed up in this very room.

  The important thing was that she was done. She was over it. Like Carmen said all those months ago, she had to stop settling for second best. She had stopped settling for second best. She’d literally walked away from settling for second best, and she was never going back there, with anyone. Better to be lonely than that, right? No more napping under coconut palms.

  And any time now, knowing she’d ripped off the sticking plaster and done the right thing for herself, long-term, would make her feel better.

  ‘Here’s a little number I like to call Happy Surprises,’ Harry said, pouring a vivid turquoise liquid from a shaker into a glass.


  ‘What’s in it?’ Rosa said.

  ‘Gin, of course, plus Cointreau and curaçao and uh …’ He held up a bottle and read the label. ‘Ginger ale, and whatever drink Carmen made last because there was some of that still at the bottom of the shaker and I couldn’t be arsed rinsing it. That’s the surprise.’

  ‘Here’s to Happy Surprises,’ Rosa said, sliding the first glass to Amy. She winked at Amy, who checked Harry wasn’t watching and shook her head at her mother in warning. ‘You seem glum, Harry,’ Rosa continued. ‘Missing Sophia?’

  He shrugged, pouring a second glass for Rosa.

  ‘Use your words, Harry,’ Amy said. ‘Admit it. You’re miserable without her.’

  ‘Dunno if I’d go that far. Strange thing is that I have all the same things I had before she came along. Love my job, love the island, sometimes even my family. I still have all of those things but something’s missing that wasn’t missing before.’ He looked at the glass at his side, still half full of the previous concoction. ‘Mamma mia, that got deep. What did Carmen put in that?’

  ‘Oh, I hear you,’ Amy said. ‘It can take a while to get back up to ground zero.’ Rosa squeezed her knee.

  Amy had finally caught her mother up on the sorry saga of her and Josh that morning, as they’d sought refuge from the soaring temps in the pool but, oddly, Rosa hadn’t offered much of a response. No one in the family usually held back from voicing an opinion. Was she offended at being the last to know? She was always the last to know everything.

  Harry spun around to face the liquor stash. ‘If ground zero were a cocktail, what would it be?’

  ‘Earthy,’ Amy said. ‘With green shoots.’

  ‘Does Baileys go with mint?’ Harry said, pulling it down and examining the label, as if it would tell him. He planted the bottle on the bar. ‘Hey, it does today!’

  Amy felt someone’s arm land around her shoulder. Her dad. ‘Well, isn’t this just like old times—just the four of us,’ he said, ‘Hang on, where’s Carmen gone?’

  ‘Mika lost her favourite rock on the beach and Carmen’s helping her find it,’ Rosa said.

  Amy’s best big little girl—a four-year-old now—had taken a long afternoon nap so she could last the evening. In fact, almost all the family and skeleton staff and guests had mostly dozed from lunch to dinner. The whole day had been weighted with high-summer drowsiness. They’d had a glitchy video chat with Sanjay while he and Josh were having brunch in some Melbourne café. Josh, who’d smoothly claimed he was due at the station at midday, had looked relaxed and happy, though still shockingly gaunt. Like his confession about being in love, Amy didn’t know if his togetherness had made her feel better or worse, but today she’d managed to mostly push him to the back of her mind whenever he’d intruded on it. Which was often.

  It was silly. She’d been coming up here once or twice a year for the whole of her life, including entire summers, and now everywhere she looked she saw him, like he’d overwritten the memories that had come before.

  ‘There she is,’ Geoff said, as Carmen strode in from reception. She walked up to Lena, who was in charge of the music, seeing as Cody hadn’t yet returned from a helicopter transfer. They had a brief discussion and Lena swiped at her tablet. The opening line of ‘(I’ve Had) The Time of My Life’ began.

  Great. Amy swivelled back to face Harry. ‘Lucky Sanjay and Pippa aren’t here.’

  Harry was looking toward reception, grinning. ‘Look again.’

  The doors were closing behind her stepfather and his ex-wife. She stood, breathing shallowly, but the doors stilled. No Josh. She pulled herself back onto the stool. Good for Sanjay.

  A large figure appeared behind the glass, and she stopped breathing and narrowed her eyes. Just Cody. The helicopter transfer. He’d been collecting Sanjay and Pippa. And there was her answer.

  Don’t cry. Don’t you dare cry over that man on Christmas Day.

  ‘Come on!’ Carmen called, running up. She pulled Amy to her feet, then Rosa. ‘Let’s do the dance.’

  ‘But, Pippa!’ Amy whispered.

  ‘She and Sanjay requested it. It’s all good. I think they want to smooth things over.’

  ‘What happens when we get to the lifts?’

  ‘We’ll figure something out. Improvise. Apparently, that’s what regular people do when they dance. Come on. I need some fun. We all do. This has been the most miserable Christmas Day ever. Please?’ Carmen tugged Amy’s hand, and Amy stumbled after her, laughing despite herself. Why the hell not?

  As Amy settled into the dance, she realised Carmen was right—it was fun. Just the blowout she needed. She hadn’t danced with her sister and mum in way too long, and Mika came running in to join them, clutching the rock Amy had painted for her in a pottery studio in Melbourne (a lobster), wiggling her cute little butt in her flower child dress, which Carmen had managed to get most of the stains out of. Cody and Harry raced around moving tables away. As they watched, Sanjay draped an arm around Pippa’s shoulders, and she looked up at him and gave an almost-imperceptible nod, which Amy chose to interpret as a beautiful moment of acceptance.

  Amy breathed deeply, allowing the music and movement to lift her mood. A spark of pure joy lit up in her heart and she gave it permission to push away some of the shadows. Her frozen performance smile morphed into a big real grin. By the second chorus, she even found herself giggling from deep in her belly. In many ways she had had the time of her life since the wedding—the best time and the worst—and maybe she was ready to forget the bad stuff and remember the good. She’d been in love, properly in love, and now she knew Josh had too. It hadn’t been an unrequited friends-with-benefits bullshit thing, like other so-called relationships she’d had, even if that was exactly what it was supposed to have been. It had been a true romance. She hadn’t got the happy ending to the year she’d secretly hoped for, but it hadn’t been a write-off either. And now she was officially done with casual relationships. If the forever guy didn’t come along, she wasn’t settling for the for-now guy.

  As they’d practised all those months ago, Harry, Cody and Lena gathered in the middle of the dance floor, ready to act as spotters, along with Lena’s twin, Luka, and Aunty Tam’s kids. As the time for the lift approached, Harry stepped forward and beckoned Amy.

  ‘Nu-uh,’ she said, shaking her head.

  ‘Come on!’ he yelled. ‘I won’t drop you. Promise. And if I do, we’ll turn it into a full-cousin crowd surf. We’re all here for you, little cousie!’

  ‘A-my, A-my, A-my,’ Cody started chanting, and the others joined in. Hell, the whole room joined in, including Geoff and Sanjay and Pippa and Nan and some random German and Chinese tourists.

  Still with her deranged grin, she huffed out a breath and inhaled, jumped onto her toes, and started running. Ahead, Harry stepped back … and Josh pushed out from between the cousins.

  Josh.

  Committed, stunned, not computing, she felt muscle memory take over and she jumped. As his hands splayed across her hips, she’d swear she could count every fingertip, every knuckle.

  Josh?

  She straightened her arms out and flew, and there was laughter and cheering and wolf-whistles and the music and Josh(!) holding her steady, and she could feel air around her thighs and butt.

  Shit. Her dress had flipped up.

  And her underwear?

  Ye gods, her underwear …

  Her underwear wasn’t sensible dancing underwear. It was really not suitable for viewing by her whole family and a bunch of tourists. The wolf-whistles, the laughter—suddenly it all made sense.

  She wobbled. Josh gripped her tighter and she felt him overcompensate, felt the moment the balance tipped. He staggered backward and she hit air. She was going down. A fluster of movement all around—arms and bodies diving to catch them—and then Josh landed on his back on the floor and she thumped on top, sprawled out, shockwaves radiating through her torso.

  ‘Oh man,’ she gasped, trying to push up, a
ware of Harry lying on the floor next to them, his shoulder and arm trapped under Josh, stunned stillness all around, everyone’s eyes on them. ‘Josh, are you okay? Harry?’

  Josh’s hands found her waist and he started shaking—with laughter, thankfully. ‘Nailed it!’ he said.

  Harry extracted his arm, slapped Josh on the shoulder and stood, laughing, and everyone else took their cue and laughed too, and the dancing resumed—dozens of feet somehow avoiding stepping on them.

  ‘Wow, I’m so sorry,’ Amy said, ungainly clambering up Josh’s body, trying to find a way off. ‘My fault. I realised when I was up there that my underwear …’ She swore.

  ‘No, not your fault. I made the mistake of glancing up and … Yeah. Whoa. And your dress was more slippery than I’d bargained for.’ Instead of releasing her, he skimmed his hands around her back and brought her closer, his face going heart-meltingly serious. ‘I so screwed up, Amy. And I don’t mean the lift. Well, that too.’

  She nestled into a more comfortable position and slid her arms around his neck, not out of any intent but because she didn’t have many options of where to put them, but suddenly she was aware of his body connecting with hers all the way up and down, his chest rising and falling. That strength, that warmth, all the planes and ridges she knew so well, and she didn’t know what he was saying he’d screwed up exactly but surely he wouldn’t be looking at her like that, he wouldn’t be holding her like that, he wouldn’t be here unless …?

  ‘Will you give me another chance?’ he said.

  ‘At the dance?’ She hoped that wasn’t what he meant but her hopes had got her into some unhappy places lately.

  ‘At us, Aims. At everything. And this time I’ll get it right, I swear. This time I’ll stop getting in my own way, like you said. I’ll stop getting in our way. It’s time to adapt. I don’t want to be friends with benefits anymore. I just want the benefits.’ He frowned in that goofy way of his, in that way that warmed her up inside because she knew it so well that it was almost a part of her. ‘So that came out wrong. I want everything. Everything, with all the benefits. I love you, Amy. I’m in love with you. Please?’ His voice cracked on the last word and that was it, she melted into a gooey, sticky puddle.