Defining Riley

by JJ Ellis

  THE DAY BEFORE THE coach announced his decisions for positions was a hard practice used to reinforce his final choices. And much to Riley’s surprise, Ben Croft kept fumbling at every turn. His head definitely wasn’t in the game. Riley figured this knowledge would buoy him through the announcement but it didn’t. By dinner time he was in a foul mood and hanging out with the rancher kids. And when the coach witnessed him bulling some out of town kids, he was pretty sure he had no hope left. He needed to talk to Aidan.

  “Hello.”

  “Hey man, where are you? I stopped by your house but no one was home.”

  “My mom didn’t feel like cooking so we’re at the diner. You don’t sound so good.”

  “Yeah, tomorrow is the team announcement day. I’m not feeling very confident.”

  “You’re a great player, man.”

  “Yeah, but you should have seen the look on coach’s face when he caught us messing with some losers from Buffalo.”

  “Jesus, Ri. Why do you do shit like that? Nobody likes the bully.”

  “It’s expected of me,” he said quietly. “I get carried away.”

  “It makes you feel better about yourself,” Aidan said matter-of-factly. “You have to find a new way. You have to unlearn everything your dad taught you or you’ll end up just like him.”

  “No! I’m nothing like my father.” But he knew Aidan had a point. His biggest fear was also what was expected of him. He needed to break the cycle but had no clue as to how.

  “I’m sorry, Ri. I know it’s not what you want to hear but it’s something you really need to think about.”

  “I’m scared about tomorrow.”

  “Of losing the position or of your dad’s reaction if you do?”

  “My dad. I wish my mom was still here. She always made things better.”

  “Maybe you could talk to her. I bet she’s always with you.”

  “Yeah, maybe. Are you going to be there tomorrow?”

  “Yep. I’ll be in the stands.”

  “Okay. I’m going to go take a shower and try to sleep.”

  “Sleep well. I love you.”

  Riley’s body felt too heavy to even move toward the bathroom but he forced himself to. A steamy hot shower might actually burn away some of the confusion in his mind.

  In the end, his body felt better but his mind was the same. The only cure would be to sleep if he could even manage that. Maybe if he thought of his mother things would fall into place and he could at least doze. And it worked.

  “Riley sweetie, it’s time to wake up. Today is a big day.”

  “Mama?”

  “Who else would it be, silly. I would never miss your big day.”

  “But...but you’ve missed a lot of big days. You died eleven years ago.”

  The woman sat down on the bed and stroked his hair. “Just because I’m dead doesn’t mean I missed anything, son.”

  “It’s like Aidan said? You’re with me?”

  “When I can be. I was with you the day Samantha told you she had cancer, the day you first rode your bicycle without training wheels, the day you started high school and the day you were forced to leave the ranch among others.”

  “I’m scared about team positions,” Riley said softly. “I don’t suppose you could make it where I get quarterback, could you?”

  Merilee chuckled. “It doesn’t quite work that way but I’ll be watching and I’ll give you a hug whether you win or lose.”

  Riley couldn’t help but smile. “Why did you have to leave. I need you here.”

  “I’m sorry, baby. I thought the same thing. I miss you so much but I wasn’t meant to help you from down here I guess.”

  “Dad changed after you left. He can’t take care of me.”

  “He’s going down a dangerous path,” Merilee admitted. “I need you to do me a favor, Riley.”

  “What, Mama?”

  “I know your dad has raised you to think that only you or he can do right by you, but you need to know that there is a whole world of people out there that are capable of loving you and it’s not a bad thing to ask for help.”

  “As long as I’m under dad’s roof he’s not going to let me do or openly love who I want,” Riley sobbed as his mother began to fade away.

  “It will all be okay, sweetie. I can promise you that.”

  “Mom! Come back! Mom!” he screamed, clawing at his covers to try to get them off.

  “Riley! Son! Hey, calm down,” Terry urged sitting down on the bed next to his son. “What’s going on?”

  “I...I had a dream about Mom.” He was shocked when his dad’s arms wrapped around him. “It’s okay. It happens to me a lot.”

  “Really?”

  “Yes. I know I can be an asshole, but I loved your mother more than anyone. I miss her everyday still.”

  “I haven’t dreamed about her in so long. It was like she’d never left.” Riley gave up fighting and leaned into his dad. He was sober and comforting like he hadn’t been in years. “I’m mad at her.”

  “Why?”

  “Because she left me...again. I had some things I need to know and she disappeared.”

  “I’m sorry, son. She doesn’t follow our schedule anymore.”

  “I know. Do you think she’ll help me tomorrow?”

  Terry pulled away. “I think you shouldn’t worry about that now. You should try to forget the dream and concentrate on your reality.”

  His father was usually right about all things football. “Okay. I’m going back to sleep.” He rolled over and pulled the covers back on.

  “Goodnight, Riley.”

  The last thing he remembered before sleep took him was the sound of his dad opening the liquor cabinet.

  RILEY WOKE UP TO THE sound of his dad’s loud, drunk snores. He hoped he’d be sober enough to make it to the announcement if not practice too. But at least Aidan would be there.

  The worst part of this day would be the wait. He had to make it through breakfast, lunch, and practice before positions would be announced. He would probably be quivering in a corner by then.

  “That smells good. Did you make enough for your old man?” Terry mumbled from his position on the couch.

  “Yeah, sure, there’s plenty.”

  Terry got up and lumbered over to the table, taking his seat at the head. “Did your dream interrupt your sleep much?” he asked.

  Riley set a plate of eggs, bacon, and toast in front of his father. “What dream? I slept great last night.”

  “Oh, sorry. I thought I heard you cry out in your sleep. A good night’s rest is always a good thing to get.”

  Riley smiled. “You coming to practice today or just the announcement?” He asked. It was terrifying waiting for the answer.

  “I’ll be there for everything. I’m taking extra lunch. I wouldn’t miss seeing my boy become Harper’s Rock high’s starting quarterback.”

  Riley just hoped he showed up sober. Being as he was taking an extra lunch he most likely would be. “Cool.”

  After cleaning up from breakfast, he left his dad showering and headed for downtown. His rancher buds, most of whom were also on the football team would keep him occupied.

  “Hey, did you guys hear about the freak out at the ‘special kids’ camp,” A large boy named Larry asked. “They say she can talk to horses and understand what they say.”

  A few of the guys laughed. “Man, if I saw some retarded girl talking to a horse like it was talking back, I’d fucking run for my life.”

  “She’s not retarded,” Riley piped up before he could stop. “I...I mean, she’s autistic.”

  “Why are you defending her, Ri?” Big Larry asked draping his arm over his shoulders. “You have a thing for girls like that?”

  “No...no, of course not. I...I just don’t like that word and I heard she’s pretty nice.” In fact, he knew she was nice. The town’s new horse whisperer was his cousin Adella. But he was afraid to tell them that.

  “So, what are we going to do?
” Chase, the nerd of the group asked.

  “I’ve got some spray paint and the old Jenkins barn is empty.”

  Their spray paint adventures were dashed when they showed up at the old deserted ranch just as a realtor was showing the property. Instead, they decided to go to the pond on the same land and jump off the old swing. Technically it was trespassing but no one would care if a bunch of teens went swimming.

  As Riley rode back to town he couldn’t help but think about his uncle and Adella. Did they know he was up for starting quarterback?” Would they care? As much as he kind of hoped they would, he highly doubted it. His dad had ruined that family connection a long time ago. So, he would pray that his dad showed up sober and his boyfriend wouldn’t try to hug him in front of everyone.

  When he stopped by the condo to grab his gear he was glad to see his dad’s truck was gone. He’d gone to work which most likely meant he was sober. By the time he’d answered a good luck email from Sammi, it was almost three and he had to get going. This was one practice he wouldn’t be late for.

  As Riley suited up he watched the other players. Some seemed nervous, some seemed down right scared and some had plenty of both. It was good to see he wasn’t the only one.

  While waiting for the coach to call practice he kept a close eye on the stands. Aidan was there with a big smile on his face but his dad still hadn’t arrived. He told himself there was still plenty of time.

  One thing that caught him as really strange was that his cousin Adella was there sitting with Ben Croft’s twin brother. And every time Ben waved to her she ducked her head and waved lightly at him. What the hell was that all about? Did his cousin have something going on with his competition? Would Johnny even allow that? He’d once hated the Harpers as much as Terry did. Things might just start getting interesting.

  The coach started practice and Riley made sure to do his best at everything he was told to do. When his dad still hadn’t shown up halfway through, he put his disappointment aside and worked even harder. His performance was the best one yet, he just hoped it wasn’t too late.

  “Alright, gather around everybody,” the coach said. “Boys you’re more than welcome to have your friends and family come down too because I’m not going to yell it.”

  Riley looked up into the stands and cocked his head at Aidan, motioning for him to come down. He ended up standing with all the other families including Ben Croft’s twin, father, and even Adella.

  While the coach read through all the lesser positions, Riley kept a polite smile on his face. But he couldn’t keep it up when it came time for the big announcement. He was scared shitless.

  “And now, last but not least, we have the position of quarterback. We have two very talented young men who will both get plenty of playing time this year. It was a hard decision, but Ben Croft will be our starting quarterback and Riley Johnson will play backup. Congratulations everyone. I look forward to a great season with all of you.”

  First, riley felt shame and sadness. But nothing compared to the anger that was slowly building. His dad had said that someday he would have a reason to hate the Harper family and now he did. Ben Croft had moved in on his territory and took over. And it also seemed he was digging his talons into his cousin. Ben Croft had brushed everyone else aside to hug and kiss Adella. The star quarterback and the shy autistic girl sounded like a disaster waiting to happen. But who knew, maybe Adella deserved everything she got. How in her right mind could she hook up with a Harper descendant?

  “Good job, man!” Aidan said breaking Riley out of his thoughts. “Back up is something to be proud of.”

  “Thanks.” He managed to give a fake smile. “I’ll be back after I shower.” Riley couldn’t think straight as he left Aidan’s side. He wanted Ben Croft to hurt as much as he did. “Since when does the star quarterback date the town retard?”

  The look of shock on Ben’s face was nothing compared to the horror on Adella’s as she turned and fled. Riley felt bad but knowing he’d caused issues for the asshole Croft was a bit of a comfort. Now he was at least momentarily content with losing the position.

  RILEY ACTUALLY WHISTLED as he left the locker room. He’d treat Aidan to dinner at Ginos Mediterranean Cuisine and then they could go somewhere and screw around.

  As he walked out of the stadium entrance of the locker room he expected to see Aidan waiting close by but he wasn’t there. A quick look at the stands told him he wasn’t there either. He pulled out his phone. “Where are you?” he texted.

  “Home.”

  “I thought we were going out. I’ll come get you.”

  “Don’t,” Aidan answered. “I don’t want to see you right now.”

  “Okay but I’m confused. What’s going on?”

  It took a minute or two before a reply buzzed. “I can’t believe what you said to that girl. It was mean and uncalled for.”

  “God, I’m sorry. I let my anger get the best of me. All I could hear was my father telling me to make Ben pay.”

  It was another few minutes before the reply came. “You listen to Terry too much. Next thing we know, you’ll be him. I don’t like it.”

  “God, I’m a dumb ass! I love you, A.”

  “Love you too. We’ll go out in a couple weeks when I get home from Buffalo, okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  Riley was angry again but this time it was at himself. He’d almost ruined things with Aidan and he’d let himself down by not getting the position. But he knew that was the least of his worries.

  6

  START OF THE FALL

  THE CLOSER RILEY GOT to home, the more he freaked out. His dad would not be happy. If he was sober, he would lose his shit when he remembered that Croft was who he’d lost the position to. Listening to Terry Johnson rant and rave for hours was the last thing he wanted to do but he had to go home and face the music.

  The one parking spot they were allotted at their rental condo was filled with his dad’s truck which meant he’d have to be the one to park on the street. Hopefully, his dad was home from his late shift for lunch and not skipping work because of a hangover. “Hey, Dad. You up?” he hollered walking into the living room.

  “Of course, I’m up,” he grumbled from his position on the floor in front of the coffee table. Riley couldn’t help but notice the white powder residue marking the glass. Terry traced his line of sight and quickly wiped the evidence away with the sleeve of his hoodie. “What are you staring at?”

  “You’ve moved up to coke now?” His back was to his dad as he grabbed a soda from the fridge, but he felt the heat of his father’s anger boring a hole through his body.

  “None of your damn business.”

  Riley turned and looked at his father, a withered shell of the man he’d been before his wife died. They both missed Merilee Johnson too much. “Aren’t you supposed to be at work?”

  “Got fired,” Terry murmured.

  “Good Lord! Why?”

  “Don’t know. I start working for your uncle tomorrow.”

  Riley was pretty sure his dad had been caught drinking on the job which was a hazard of being an alcoholic bartender. He was pretty sure he wouldn’t fare better working for his brother. There weren’t many jobs at an electrician’s shop that could safely be done while impaired. “I’m going to my room.”

  Riley was halfway down the hall before Terry called him back. He knew his dad had remembered today was the day Coach Henry picked positions. “Yeah?”

  “You don’t seem very excited about becoming Harper’s Rock High’s new starting quarterback.”

  “That’s because I didn’t,” Riley sighed averting his eyes. “I’m back up.”

  “Jesus! Can’t you do anything right? Who the hell got it then?”

  This was the part he dreaded. He could always hope his dad was too high to remember that the new quarterback was related to the town’s founding family. “Ben Croft.” He braced himself.

  “The new kid?” He was incredulous.

  “
Yeah. He’s really good, dad.”

  “I don’t give a fuck if he’s really good. You’re better. You’re a Johnson for God’s sake. We’ve ranched this land for over a hundred years and given that good for nothing school at least ten quarterbacks.”

  “Well, I’m not going to be one of them.” He turned to leave when he heard Terry scramble up off the floor.

  “Wait a minute, God damn it! Isn’t that Croft boy the biological son of queer boy, Ben Harper?”

  Riley froze. Could he risk lying?”

  “Uh, he might be.” His dad was exactly right. Ben Croft was the biological son of the town hero who committed suicide in 1998. The original Ben was gay and had been a target of Riley’s own father and uncle.

  “How could you lose to a queer?” his father demanded through clenched teeth. They were now toe to toe.

  “He...he’s not. His dad was but...” Before he could finish his sentence, he saw stars and dropped to the ground.

  AUGUST 2016

  Could his life get any worse? The good thing about riding a motorcycle on the highway in rural Wyoming was that there wasn’t much traffic to contend with so he could let his mind wander and try to figure out what to do about this current dilemma.

  His girlfriend Samantha had just surprised everyone and moved back to town. Normally that would be a great thing, but now with Aidan in the picture, and if Samantha was better, he’d have to break up with her.

  This was the biggest mess he’d ever found himself in. Samantha was his best friend, the person who knew him better than anyone. It was so great for so long. Why did things have to change? If he hadn’t stopped having romantic feelings for her or he hadn’t met Aidan they would still be fine. But he knew he was way off base in that thinking because even Samantha now admitted that things were changed between them but she wanted to try again now that they lived in the same town. It should have been easy for him to politely decline but she still looked so sick and she said her time would run out sooner or later. He’d agreed to continue their relationship. And when she’d kissed him in thanks, the one person he hadn’t expected to run into had witnessed everything. Now he was on his way to save the one relationship he didn’t want to lose.