by Amy Sandas
“It doesn’t make sense, Jude. You distrust me. You dislike me. You want nothing more than to be rid of me. And yet you want me to believe that in spite of everything, you wish to take me to your bed.”
He cocked his head to the side and studied her for a moment before answering.
“Come now, Anna. You are surely experienced enough to know such things don’t need to go hand in hand. Desire and attraction are not dictated by anything other than a physical need created by the senses.”
She stared at his expression, trying to see past the distracting vividness of his eyes. Did he truly believe what he said? She couldn’t tell, but her heart grew heavy at the thought.
“Of course,” Anna answered dryly as she glanced away from him again.
Just as everyone else did, he thought her to be a woman of worldly sophistication. The assumptions people made about her private activities had never bothered her before. But with Jude, it was decidedly different. It irked her that he so easily believed she had been unfaithful to the vows she had uttered on her wedding day.
She was suddenly regretful of the frustrated comments she had made supporting that very opinion.
Their marriage had taken place under extreme duress, but she still believed in the vows she had spoken. Of course, she had made those promises to a man she loved. A man that still managed to shake her composure and rattle her confidence with the tender feelings he roused in spite of the time and distance and impenetrable distrust that lay between them.
“There you go again,” Jude murmured with a shake of his head. “Retreating into your secret thoughts.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Anna denied as she returned her gaze to meet his.
“Yes, you do.”
Anna stared back at him, instantly guarding herself against his intuitive perception. He must never discover she still loved him, that she had always loved him. Should he ever find out her true feelings, the power he could wield over her would be devastating. And she fully believed he would use such knowledge to his full advantage.
He may be telling the truth about his desire for her, but he had been equally up front about his intention to sever the marital ties that bound them.
“My Lord and Lady Blackbourne. What an exceptional delight it is to have you both with us this evening.”
This exclamation and effusive greeting was from Lady Terribury, a woman who was as devoted to the sensational as her husband was to the mundane. Having the Earl and Countess of Blackbourne attend her party was going to ensure the event would be talked about for days as people speculated over the unusual couple. She approached Anna and Jude with wide spread arms draped in jeweled bangles and an ostrich plume dyed a bright lime green waving above her head like an extra appendage. The woman positively adored drama.
Anna turned with a smile that she hoped didn’t reveal too much of her relief at the effective interruption.
“Lady Terribury, as always, your home is stunning and your hospitality exceeds expectation.”
The older woman twittered appreciatively, the ostrich plume waving in emphasis.
“Thank you, my dear, I do try.”
Lady Terribury turned to Jude and smiled brightly. The gleam in her eyes was sharp and greedy.
“And you, my lord, how lovely it is to have you once again gracing the ballrooms and drawing rooms of London.”
“Thank you, my lady,” Jude replied as he bowed elegantly over her hand. “You are as gracious as you are lovely.”
Lady Terribury tapped his arm and smiled in a way that made her appear almost girlish in her obvious delight over the compliment.
Anna almost rolled her eyes.
“You really shouldn’t have kept away from us for so long. I am sure your beautiful wife would agree,” she added with innocent boldness, casting a smile and a nod toward Anna, who smiled automatically in response. “And how surprised we all were to hear that our own Mrs. Locke was actually the Countess of Blackbourne. I declare we have all been breathless with curiosity over the whole mysterious matter. Please say you will take pity on me and tell me how this unusual little union came to be.”
“Ah, but that would ruin all the fun, wouldn’t it?” Jude answered with a wide sparkling grin that could undoubtedly charm the most resistant female. “I would hazard a guess to say the truth is probably not nearly as thrilling as what people may imagine. I would really hate to be the cause of anyone’s disappointment.”
Lady Terribury gave a little pout of annoyance but still responded with polite assurance. “Lord Blackbourne, I doubt you could be a disappointment to anyone.”
Anna resisted the urge to snort.
Catching sight of a particular guest passing nearby, their hostess suddenly brightened.
“Oh, there is that handsome Lord Rutherford. I must introduce him to my daughter, do excuse me, would you?” And with a smile filled with ambition, the lady swept away.
Anna released the heavy pent-up breath she hadn’t realized she had been holding. Lady Terribury’s inexhaustible efforts in procuring exceptional matches for her offspring were well known amongst the ton. Obviously, the lady was more concerned with her daughter’s future marital prospects than the still unknown history of the Blackbournes.
“You look as though you’ve been dragged behind a horse,” Jude commented in amusement. “It wasn’t all that bad. The lady was distracted quickly enough.”
Anna looked at him in irritation. “Easy for you to say. You haven’t been fielding such inquiries the entire evening. There are only so many ways to avoid answering when the same question is asked in so many different ways.”
“Have you tried telling people it is simply none of their damn business?”
“Oh yes, I can see that going over well.” She eyed Jude suspiciously. “It is obvious why I might want to keep the past hidden, but you could have just told the truth. You would likely gain everyone’s sympathy with a tale that so fully displays the scheming of a wicked female.”
“Are you wicked, Anna?” Jude asked unexpectedly. His piercing gaze searched for something to be revealed in her reaction.
Anna blinked and struggled to control the sudden tightness in her throat at the unexpected query. She was saved from having to answer as they were interrupted yet again.
This time, Rutherford stepped up with a scowl of deep vexation.
“I swear to God, that woman has tried to foist every one of her daughters off on me. This latest is the fourth and very likely the worst,” he muttered scathingly under his breath. “How many daughters can one ambitious mama have?”
He paused in his vent to look at Anna with a nod of acknowledgement. “My lady, looking lovely as always.” His compliment was given more out of social habit than true feeling.
“Thank you, my lord,” Anna replied just as automatically.
For as long as she had counted Rutherford as an acquaintance, she had never been able to fully decide whether or not she actually liked the man. His condescending attitude and the air of entitlement he wore like an expensive cologne always managed to put her off. The fact that he had been the one to call her out at the Fitzherbert soiree may have effectively tipped the scales against him.
“If you will both excuse me,” she said stiffly, seeing her chance to step away. Before she could make good her escape, Jude stopped her with a light touch at her elbow.
“The circumstances of our marriage are between us alone,” he said, picking up their conversation where it had left off. “I will not disclose the details of our past to anyone else. But on the same token, I will not accept more lies to be heaped upon those that already exist.”
Anna lifted her chin and slid a sideways glance at Rutherford. The odious man wasn’t even trying to hide his interest in their conversation.
She replied to Jude with a resigned undertone. “There is more than enough deception for me to consider adding to it, my lord. I promise you that.”
Then she turned to Rutherford, unable to
resist adding, “Oh, and by the way, Lady Terribury has seven lovely daughters, three not yet out of the school room. Good luck,” she offered pertly and then walked away with a smile of satisfaction as she heard Rutherford’s deep groan of despair.
Chapter Seventeen
The familiar scents of horses, leather, hay and oats mingling in the cool mist greeted Anna as she entered the stables the next morning. She took a deep breath and the earthy aroma recalled her to a sense of comfort and certainty.
Disturbing memories had kept her awake through most of the night. Without a solid night of rest, she awoke feeling cranky and out of sorts, as if the world had tilted a bit beneath her and she couldn’t find a steady foothold.
She murmured soft greetings to her horses as she passed their stalls with her head slightly bent in thought. Usually, she stopped to give each of them a moment of personal attention, but this morning she was far too distracted by deeper concerns.
She would love to lay the fault on Jude and his shifting manner, but the heavy darkness she fought against came from within herself and demanded recognition. What she needed was time to think and sort through the concerns that continued to weigh on her mind.
Hearing something ahead, she realized she wasn’t alone in the stables and she lifted her head in alarm. No one else was ever with the horses so early in the morning. A thrill that was both excitement and trepidation raced along her nerves when she saw Jude settling a saddle atop his favored mount.
Time to think? Sure, if she could manage to turn around in her own home without running into her blasted husband.
Her surly mood grew surlier.
He turned as she came near and offered an easy grin that crinkled the corners of his eyes and caused her breath to catch uncomfortably in her lungs.
Damn his captivating smile.
“Good morning,” he said pleasantly enough.
“Do you plan to intrude on my ride every morning?” she asked peevishly.
“Absolutely.” The brief arch of his brows suggested he wasn’t the least bit put out by her rudeness.
She decided to ignore him as she readied George, an old racer that had sired a long line of winners. The task was more difficult than she had imagined. In the dark and narrow space of the stables, her senses seemed to be extra sensitive to Jude’s movements as he readied his horse. Then, when he murmured words of encouragement and praise, the softened tone lifted the fine hairs on Anna’s skin as her body reacted viscerally to the velvet quality of his voice. What would it feel like if he were to whisper love words against her skin while holding her close in a warm and intimate embrace?
Cursing her weakness, Anna focused on thoughts of horses and races and business. She had several appointments this week that appeared promising. Apparently, Lord Peney had spread word of his success on the track to other gentlemen race hobbyists of his circle. She also needed to make a point of visiting Tattersalls. She still needed to acquire a fitting mare for Charles.
She managed to keep up a steady stream of thought that did not involve Jude during the entire ride to the park. And he didn’t seem inclined to force any conversation, for which she was grateful. Once they reached the start of Rotten Row, Anna dug in her heels, leaned forward over her mount and George instantly jumped into a sprinting gallop. The old boy still had it in him, she thought with a proud smile as she reveled in the speed and power of the retired racer beneath her.
Jude rode Richard. As magnificent as the gelding was, without the proper strength and control of a highly experienced jockey, the young thoroughbred would not be able to catch up to George.
She closed her eyes and for a few brief precious moments felt liberated and in control of her destiny. Then, as she probably should have expected, Jude intruded on her reprieve.
At first, when she heard the sound of a rider approaching behind her, she didn’t consider that it could be Jude. But a quick glance over her shoulder revealed the amazing sight of Jude leaning close over Richard’s back, urging the horse to a speed he rarely achieved.
Anna was stunned.
And irritated.
She pushed her heels to George’s sides. The experienced racer responded immediately to Anna’s instruction as well as to the familiar feeling of another horse encroaching upon his lead.
The wind whipped past her face as she crouched over her mount, trusting the horse and her abilities as a rider. This was where she claimed her strength and her freedom. In this moment, as she rode full out with nothing to hold her back and no one to tell her that she must limit the stretch of her dreams or her focus.
Jude was getting close to her horse’s left side, but he had no chance of overtaking her. Her laughter was filled with triumph and delight. She pulled up on the reins when they reached the end of the long straight stretch and slowed George to an easier pace. Jude brought Richard up alongside her, expertly easing the gelding into a cooling lope.
She turned to him with a smug expression of delight on her flushed face. “I never lose a race.”
Jude was grinning as he replied, “Not a fair test, sweetheart. You started off without a shot. I was behind you from the start.”
Anna lifted her black brows imperiously. “Are you saying I cheated?”
“I wouldn’t dream of it,” Jude replied with a quick laugh. They turned their mounts off the path and slowed them to a walk as they crossed a sunlit stretch of lawn. “I’d be afraid of what you might do to me in retaliation for such a claim.”
Mischief sparkled in Anna’s eyes. “No need to worry, Jude. I haven’t got my whip with me today.”
He laughed again and the sound filled Anna with a sense of pleasure and contentment that was so lovely it frightened her. This was the Jude she remembered from her youth. This warm, laughing, openhearted man. Her heart thudded painfully and she became breathless with longing and bone-deep sadness combined.
“What happened to you, Jude?” she asked.
It was a willful step into dangerous territory, but the compelling desire to understand him was far stronger in that moment than the instinct for self-preservation.
His face changed so drastically at her odd question that it was almost comical. His smile tilted to one side and his blue eyes squinted as he eyed her with amusement and confusion combined.
“What? Has something happened to me?”
Anna couldn’t bring herself to smile back.
“This is the first time I’ve seen true pleasure on your face since your return. You used to laugh like this all the time before you left.”
Jude scowled. The joy faded from his expression as he reacted to the personal nature of her observation. Anna’s heart sank with guilt at how quickly she had managed to chase away his enjoyment, but she didn’t regret her inquiry.
“My return to England was not exactly what I anticipated. I have been busy dealing with a stubborn issue that is not resolving as easily as I’d hoped.”
His reply was given in monotone. There was no accusing inflection, just the simple statement of fact. Anna looked down at the reins in her hand. She rubbed the leather with her gloved thumb thoughtfully before she took a solid breath and lifted her gaze to focus on the large spreading oak tree that stood ahead of them.
“Have you hated me so very much over the years?”
When he remained silent in the minutes following her question, she glanced aside at him. He stared ahead across the park, squinting a bit into the sun that had topped the horizon only an hour before. The crow’s feet at the corners of his eyes deepened, making him look weary and strong at the same time.
She was coming to adore those tiny lines.
When he turned to glance at her, his brows had dropped even lower over his blue eyes and he slowly shook his golden head.
“Do you intentionally set out to destroy these types of pleasant moments, or do you just have a knack for awkward questions and somber subjects?”
Anna almost smiled. Almost. Then shrugged.
“A knack, I guess.”
Jude pulled back on his horse’s reins, forcing Anna to do the same if she expected to continue talking with him. He faced her squarely and the lines of his face were harder and deeper than she had ever seen.
“I barely bothered to think of you at all once I stepped foot on the ship that carried me from England. Is that what you want to hear? You were a shard of the past I fervently wished to forget. And I found some very effective ways to distract my memory. When I knew I would be coming back, I only thought of ending the marriage. I honestly didn’t consider you much at all.” Without allowing her to interrupt, he went on. “If you had been a greedy grasping parasite, I would have found your price, paid you off, sent you on your way and never thought of you again. If you had been a manipulating opportunist who begged for forgiveness and vowed everlasting devotion with false tears and scheming intentions, I probably would have taken you to bed. You are an exceptionally beautiful woman, after all. Then I would have told you to find protection elsewhere.”
He paused then and his sharp unforgiving blue eyes fell upon her. She stared back at him, silent and dumbfounded at his brutal honesty, helpless to defend herself. Her spine had stiffened painfully as she prepared herself for what he may say next, and her throat felt as if it were squeezed around a hard and gritty stone.
“Did I hate you once? With every breath. Do I hate you now?” Jude sighed heavily. His expression as he faced her was not unkind, but there was not even a hint of the pleasure he had shown earlier. “I am dumbfounded by you, Anna, but no, I don’t dislike you,” Jude confessed. “You behave in a manner opposite of what I’d expect. I can’t figure you out. And the passion in you draws me with a force stronger than I’ve ever known.”
The last was said in a low murmur that roused fine sparks of sensation across Anna’s skin and alerted her to the fact that the discussion had veered off course. The questions in his gaze and the deep investigative interest in his voice warned her he might try to ask her something about herself or their past that she could not answer.