by Amy Sandas
“Is that what you were in search of when you were hopping into the perfumed beds of all those foreign princesses and actresses and dignitary’s wives?”
A flash of something brightened his eyes. Anger? Surprise?
“Don’t forget the tavern wenches and harem concubines,” he added in a cold drawl.
“Did you find passion in the arms of all those women,” Anna asked again, and was distressed to hear the emotion evident in her voice.
Her horse turned in a quick circle and sidestepped nervously as if sensing her upset. His movements brought her around to face Jude before she managed to pull tight on the reins and bring him back under control.
“What on earth does that have to do with anything?” Jude asked with incredulous frustration harsh in his voice.
“Was it worth it, Jude?” Anna asked, ignoring his question. The words that tumbled forth were edged with a rough note of accusation. “Running off. Staying away from your home and your family. No cares, no duty, no responsibility to anyone except yourself.”
“No wife,” Jude added sharply.
Anna bit her tongue to hold back the growl of pained fury welling in her throat. Instead, she lifted her chin defiantly and her dark eyes blazed with the righteous anger over what he had just said. And everything she still didn’t have the courage to say.
“Come on, Anna.” He shoved a hand through his pale curls in an agitated gesture. “You cannot possibly play the part of the betrayed wife in this.” His direct gaze challenged her to refute him. “After what you did, you didn’t honestly think I would settle into some cozy little married life with you. Such naiveté and vulnerable innocence doesn’t suit you, sweetheart.”
Anna stared at him for a moment, noting his complete lack of remorse and the absolute confidence he had in the justification of his position. The stone in her throat dropped like lead into her heart.
In truth, even at sixteen, she had not been so naïve as to think that the unusual circumstances of their marriage would not breed some serious difficulties. But a part of her had hoped that in time they might have been able to get past some of it. Theirs was not the first marriage forced by a young girl’s family when her reputation was at stake. She had figured on being able to explain to Jude that she had been a victim of the plot, same as him. She had imagined the two of them getting to know each other.
At least, that was what she had thought in the beginning, before she had realized her new husband was not going to return for her. That he had truly abandoned her. And then she had wanted to crawl into the tiniest black hole. She had dreamed of being able to fold in upon herself a thousand times until she was nothing more than a speck of lost thought. She was a bride with no husband, a girl with no family and no knowledge of what the future may bring.
Eventually, she had found her way back.
Her horses, her friends, the life she had built for herself. And she was putting it all on the line in some rebellious attempt to make her errant husband feel sorry for how his abandonment and the actions that followed had hurt her. How utterly foolish.
She wanted to hate Jude, but she never could. She knew she should release him from the marriage, but felt helpless against the knowledge that he would be lost to her forever. She was being just as manipulative and deceitful as he believed her to be.
Pulling back on George’s reins, she backed the horse up to turn him around. Before she got two steps, Jude reached out and grasped a hold of the horse’s bridle. He held tight until she lifted her eyes to meet his.
“This doesn’t have to be so difficult. It doesn’t have to be this constant war between us.”
What would happen if she stopped fighting him? If she set aside her desire for vengeance and agreed to an amicable end to the marriage?
When had she become so damned desperate to keep him tied to her, even if it were only in a struggle? It could only last for so long before a winner would have to be declared.
With a sinking heart, she fully understood the quandary in which she had securely placed herself. Ultimately, her original motivation had been the desire for Jude to understand what his selfish decision had done to her. But as long as he still believed she had been the one to drug him and force him into marriage, he would feel justified in his actions. And he would never know of the pain he had caused her if he never knew of the love she had carried in her heart from the moment she had first seen him.
Either way, she lost. There was too great a cost attached to a disclosure of the truth, and resisting him only managed to entangle her further in her own feelings for the man.
When she finally responded, she forced a note of strength into her voice that failed to reverberate beyond the words themselves.
“You make an excellent point.” Anna exhaled on a long and shaky sigh. “I am finished with fighting you, Jude. I will raise no obstacles to the annulment.” The burning pinch of tears gathered behind her eyelids and she swiftly looked away from the deep penetration of his blue eyes. “You are free,” she stated stiffly.
Anna jerked abruptly on her reins and Jude released his hold on the horse’s bridle. She kicked George into a fierce run. The wind dried the tears as they tracked down the cold pale skin of her cheeks. She never once turned back to see if he followed.
She knew he wouldn’t.
Chapter Eighteen
The next day, Anna did not go for her usual morning ride.
Still numbed from her confrontation with Jude, even the knowledge that she had done the right thing did not make it easier to accept. She stayed up in her bedroom as long as she could, knowing herself to be a coward.
She suspected he would be spending the day packing up his things, preparing to relocate to the hotel or his family’s townhouse. He may have already gone to have the proper paperwork drawn up for their annulment. Very soon he would find a mistress to replace the one she had chased off, or perhaps he would start searching for a new wife, one more suited to his tastes.
And she would return to the life she had known before his return.
Except it wouldn’t be the same at all.
In the hours after leaving him in the park, Anna nearly collapsed into a heap of retched sobbing more than a half dozen times. But each time she felt the urge to indulge in her heartache, she reminded herself it was for the best.
It had to be.
She could no longer fault Jude for his lack of loyalty to a girl who he believed had so maliciously forced a future upon him that he had never wished for. He had never been meant for her, and crying over it would solve nothing. She hadn’t allowed herself any tears on the disastrous day of her wedding, when all of her dreams had ridden away in a carriage decorated with bridal ribbons. And she wasn’t going to fall victim to them now that the tragedy was reaching its final conclusion.
She could face whatever may come. Hadn’t she proven herself to be capable in creating her own happiness? Hadn’t she discovered long ago that loneliness could be overcome by hard work and a strict focus on personal goals?
An annulment had been the only option all along. Whatever feelings still resided in her heart would have to remain there indefinitely, and some day they wouldn’t cause quite as much pain as they did today.
She dressed comfortably before finally going downstairs late in the morning.
There was no sign of Jude about and the house was strangely quiet for the amount of activity she expected.
Had he packed up so quickly then? The thought was accompanied by a sharp prick of panic at the possibility that he was already gone.
A deep, calming breath and a hard swallow forced down the swiftly rising emotions.
She crossed the hall and nearly collided with someone exiting the small morning room situated at the front of the house. Anna was saved from being toppled over when the tall, thin man dropped his stack of ledgers and grasped her shoulders instead.
“Oh, pardon me, my lady. I am so sorry. I often take ten steps before I see the first one before me.”
&nb
sp; The man was dressed in a plain brown suit and had one of those faces that made it hard to pinpoint his age. He had smooth, youthful skin, thin alert features and deep set eyes that conveyed sharp intelligence. His current expression was one of sincere apology as his dark brown eyebrows curled with concern across his wide forehead.
He was careful to be certain Anna had her balance completely returned before he released her and turned to reach for his dropped ledgers.
“That’s all right,” Anna replied as she too crouched down to lend a hand in gathering up a few loose papers that had escaped the books. She smiled politely and passed over a handful of papers. “And who might you be, sir?”
The poor man blushed so red Anna thought he might actually break into a sweat. He stood and quickly shoved his hand forward and executed an awkward bow at the same time.
“Again, my apologies, my lady. I am Mr. Harding, the estate manager for the Blackbourne family these last four years. I am here to go over some of the books with Lord Blackbourne. Bring him up to speed, so to speak.”
“A pleasure to meet you, Mr. Harding,” Anna replied as she shook his hand firmly.
His blush deepened.
“Usually you are away from the house when I come by. Still, I have been remiss in not introducing myself before now. I do hope my visits are not too much of an intrusion.”
“Of course not,” Anna assured him. “You are certainly welcome.”
She was cautious to hide her surprise at the discovery that Jude had been conducting estate business these last weeks. Having known his father, she was certain the old earl had assured that the estate would run effectively with or without Jude’s involvement.
She eyed Mr. Harding’s armload of ledgers. Considering the manner in which Jude had abandoned his birthright, she hadn’t expected him to so earnestly assume his new role as head of the family. It didn’t fit with the image of the man who had spent the last several years traipsing across Europe in pursuit of personal pleasures.
It did, however, match up with the young man Jude had been raised to be and with the serious and complex man she had recently come to know.
“Thank you, my lady. I am afraid I must be on my way. I have a few tasks to accomplish for Lord Blackbourne before we meet again tomorrow.” Mr. Harding folded his lanky body in another bow as he backed away, clearly in a hurry to set about his work.
Anna stood for a moment in indecision after Mr. Harding left. She glanced toward the closed door of the morning room, debating whether or not to enter.
It was her home after all. She had every right to enter any common room she chose.
But Jude was in there.
She stood in steady silence and allowed the drawing urge to go to her husband to build and then finally recede within her. The pull was strong, but Anna found she could be stronger.
Finally, she turned toward her study, torn between feelings of relief and regret.
In the days that followed, Anna waited with growing anxiety for Jude to announce that their marriage was dissolved and he was leaving. Yet, every day she returned from her ride to find no indication that Jude was preparing to change residences.
It was maddening.
Now that Anna expected action, he had suddenly become passive.
Though she rarely caught a glimpse of him, the evidence of his presence was everywhere. The robust sound of his laughter echoed through the house more frequently as the days passed and often reverberated through closed doors to where Anna sat in her study. Her stable hands started re-telling Jude’s jokes as they readied her horse every morning. And on rare occasions, she even swore she caught a whiff of his scent lingering in the air.
That subtle essence of masculinity and steadfast energy that had never existed before his unwelcome intrusion seemed to be everywhere.
Anna couldn’t comprehend why he hadn’t moved on yet. But she wasn’t about to ask him. She was practicing indifference when it came to her husband, and the only way she could be certain it would work was if she avoided direct contact altogether. Not terribly difficult since he spent an inordinate amount of time holed up with his estate manager.
It didn’t take long for Anna’s curiosity to overcome her need to keep a distance.
One day, after spying Jude leaving the house with Mr. Harding in tow, she decided to peek in the morning room. It was typically used as a small family sitting room or a place to receive visitors. But Anna so rarely used it that she hadn’t had cause to enter it in months.
For that reason she probably shouldn’t have been surprised by what she found when she pushed open the door and walked in.
The quaint little sitting room had been almost completely transformed. An old desk that Anna recognized as having come from the attic had been brought in and set near the window. Under the desk was spread a large rug that had clearly seen its share of use. She assumed it was to protect her floors from any potential ink spills. The chairs, usually set up to face the fireplace in a nice conversational organization, had been turned toward the desk. Books sat open here and there, papers were stacked haphazardly over the surface of the desk and a makeshift liquor service was set up on a side table near the sofa, which from her position in the doorway at least, appeared to be the only piece of furniture that hadn’t been moved.
After a few minutes of surveying the altered room in astonishment, Anna retreated. Seeing how completely the room had become Jude’s disturbed her. She wanted to be angered by the level of his intrusion, but she could only feel stunned. The room, in its strange transformation and obvious untidiness, struck Anna as so very Jude-like, and the discovery left her with an uncomfortable warmth just below her fiercely beating heart. He had claimed a very definite place in her home, for however brief a time, and for the life of her she could not ignore how right it felt.
Anna quickly discovered that avoiding someone in your own home is not a pleasant exercise, and her constant efforts to make sure her husband was not nearby as she exited a room or crossed the main hall or went out to the stables were exhausting. Not to mention humiliating and irritating.
Unfortunately, after only a couple days of careful diligence, Anna literally bumped into her husband as she entered the house after a ride.
She had just opened the side door of the house and had only taken a half a step over the threshold when she came up against a warm woolen-coated chest.
Jude grasped her arms just above her elbows to steady her, but not fast enough to prevent the full contact of their bodies from chest to knee.
The heady masculine scent of him filled the air around her with hints of worn leather, rich coffee and warm male skin. Her heart thumped with cautious elation. Her buckskin clad thighs slid intimately against his. The strength of his hands gave her instant stability and she sensed for a bare second that he was going to draw her toward him.
Instead, he rather forcefully set her away. His movements so swift and effective that she bumped her head against the solid doorframe. The brief flash of pain chased away the moment of sensory possession and she scowled up at him. The anxiety and irritation that had been growing as she waited for his imminent departure from her life seemed to decide that now was the time to claim an outlet.
“What the hell are you doing?”
Jude raised his brows at her snarling question, but replied coolly. “I am heading out for a ride. If you ever lifted your gaze when you took such ground-eating strides, you would have noticed me in the doorway.”
“If you hadn’t been standing in the doorway, I wouldn’t have had to lift my gaze.”
There was a sharp pause as they both contemplated her backward argument. Then she grumbled, “I’ve never run into anyone before. Why are you still here anyway?”
“Because you haven’t gotten out of my way so I can proceed,” Jude rejoined curtly, though a suspicious light flickered in his blue eyes.
Anna sighed and lifted a hand to rub at the bump on her head. She phrased her words more concisely.
“I
mean, why are you still living in my house?”
As soon as the words were out of her mouth, she realized there was still a very small but very insistent part of her that didn’t want him to leave. To distract herself from her own feelings, she watched him closely as he formed his reply.
He lowered his eyebrows over his eyes and glanced to the side. He flexed his fingers as if to stretch the soft leather of his riding gloves and she wondered briefly if his hands had lost their subtle roughness. She refocused her train of thought just in time to notice how his nostrils flared before he looked back down at her.
His smile was taunting and suggestive. Trepidation danced across the back of her awareness.
“Not your house, sweetheart. Ours. At least until I am officially no longer your husband.”
Anger and distress filled Anna’s chest. “You have my cooperation, why insist on staying? Is it revenge you seek?”
“Not revenge,” he answered and turned to face her more fully.
“Then what?” Anna nearly shouted.
His nearness, his low voice, his unreadable gaze were conspiring to weaken her resolve against him. This was why she had been avoiding a confrontation. Because she would never stop wanting him.
“There is something I want, but it has nothing to do with the past.”
His eyes deepened to impenetrable black and Anna’s heart tripped as his words sank into her resistant brain. She took a step back, but in the confined space of the narrow hall and narrower doorway she came up short against the wall behind her. Her heart was pounding so hard that it seemed to echo off the stone walls around them. Or maybe it just echoed through the clouded desire that swirled around her senses.
He stepped toward her.
She froze. Her muscles refused to obey any of the commands issuing from her racing mind. She could only stand still and receptive as he lifted his gloved hand. The soft leather covering the pad of his thumb pressed to the center of her lower lip and he stared intently at her mouth. Without raising his eyes, he shifted his thumb to grasp her chin between his fingers and tip her face upward.