Order of the Lily

by Cait Ashwood

  “I can cure Hound.”

  He was silent for half a beat before nearly jumping from his stool. “That’s great news, Audrey!” When his enthusiasm failed to infect her, he slid off the stool, standing next to her. “So why aren’t you excited?”

  “It, uh, it won’t be easy.”

  He grinned at her, that easygoing grin that had always made her day better before he’d gone and complicated things between them. “Anything worth doing is worth working for, Auds. Just think about it. Hound will have his life back. No more interrogations, no more examinations. He’d be a free man again.”

  It had been easy to forget all the hoops Hound normally had to jump through, because if she called him, no one asked any questions. But if he was on his own, he got the third degree before being allowed anywhere. His fellow Seekers no longer respected him, didn’t trust him. The idea of being able to fix all that was tantalizing. Her breath hitched as she pulled in more air to speak. She had to end this happy shit right now. “I have to sleep with him.”

  The smile fell right off Ace’s face. His brows drew in and he felt behind him for the stool, sitting back down. “I don’t understand. Why?”

  The pea on her plate was suddenly the most interesting thing she’d ever seen. Despite her wishes to the contrary, she was hurting him. “Ellen says my body has to be familiar with his particular strain of the taint before I can cure it.” Her voice sounded dead; monotonous words without rhythm or cadence. Might as well tell him all of it. “It has to be on the solstice, with the ceremony that night in the Grove to actually complete the cleansing.”

  “That’s…whoa.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I need a minute.”

  She waved her hand in the air, not looking at him. They’d already had a week to take a break from each other. What was a few minutes? She took a bite of the vegetables, forcing her jaw to unclench and chew them, swallowing them about as well as one would swallow sawdust. She managed a few more bites before Ace pushed the stool back, standing up again.

  He put his hand on her arm, staring at her earnestly. “I’m not asking this to pressure you, I just want to know.”

  He seemed to be waiting for some kind of acknowledgment, so she nodded.

  “Is this something you’re willing to do?”

  She blinked. He’s actually considering it? But…I don’t know that I can do it. Not can. Should. Because in the past few hours, she’d discovered something. She’d always felt somewhat drawn to Hound, and it had only gotten worse since she marked him, but there had always been the taint between them. It never would have worked out. With the prospect of him being a free man on the table, she found her mind going down all sorts of new possible paths. Especially with the way she had to heal him, her heart was taking off with the idea.

  “I, well, I mean…” She buried her face in her hands, not even sure what to say to him.

  “Don’t think about me. If it were just you, all by yourself, and this is what Hound needed to be cured. Would you do it?”

  “Yes.” The word slipped out without any thought. She groaned, letting herself collapse toward the table, cradling her head in her arms and hiding her face. And yet, a part of her was angry. Why should she feel guilty for wanting Hound? She’d made no oaths to Ace, had in fact gone out of her way to keep things as platonic as possible.

  “Then what’s the problem, here?” His voice was strained, but he was making an obvious attempt to be soothing.

  “Because I’m not alone.” She mumbled the words, but he must have managed to understand them somehow.

  She felt his hand on her back, rubbing gently. “Audrey, we’ve never really defined what we are. It’s just sort of worked, and we’ve let it be.” His hand paused, then he resumed rubbing her back, as if he hadn’t meant to stop. “If this is what Hound needs, and you’re willing to entertain the idea, then…you have to at least tell him.”

  She picked her head up, furrowing her eyebrows as she looked up at him. What are you saying? “You want me to sleep with him?”

  His expression answered that clearly enough; the muscles in his neck strained and he looked like he’d just swallowed a lemon whole. “Of course not. But Hound’s been my mentor and the closest thing I have to a friend for over ten years. Seeing what this has done to him…it’s just one night.”

  She hid her face on the table again. And you think I’d what, come back to you afterwards? You just admitted there never was an ‘us’. Even if Hound has no interest in me…I don’t think things will ever go back to how they were before. Not knowing what I know now.

  “I’m just saying that, for Hound, I could deal with it.”

  She heard the feet of the stool scuffing as he sat back down, then listened as his fork scraped across his plate. She sat there as her mind and heart chased each other around in circles, neither able to catch the other, and neither one winning the race.

  “If you’re this uncomfortable with the idea, then maybe you shouldn’t tell him.”

  She picked up her head, certain that her inner torment would be shining through her eyes. “I’m just worried things would change. Here.”

  Ace shrugged a little too easily. “They’re already changing.”

  Audrey stared at the chicken and pulled a bit of it off the bone with her fork. “I know…I know things are different for you than they are for me.”

  “I’ve accepted that.” He sounded sincere, but had he really?

  The chicken had the taste of sandpaper, but she forced it down. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

  His tone softened. “Is that what this is about?”

  She nodded, unable to fully disclose the truth. Her feelings about Hound were a revelation to herself; she couldn’t begin to try and explain them to Ace. And anyway, it would just hurt him even more.

  “Auds, I appreciate the sentiment but…this is bigger than us, okay?”

  “I know it is.” Because my choice of mate determines the leader of the Seekers.

  “I’ll be fine, okay? It’s not like you’re going to run off into the sunset with him and abandon the kids.”

  She groaned into her elbow. She’d never abandon her kids; she’d gone most of her life thinking she couldn’t even have them. She’d die to protect them, in an instant. But that sunset was looking mighty attractive.

  He apparently thought she was groaning at his joke, as he clapped her on the shoulder with a chuckle. “See? You’d be back for my humor, if nothing else.”

  Audrey sighed as he collected their plates and tossed his bag over his shoulder. Had he been hoping to stay the night? She didn’t ask the question, though curiosity nearly killed her. It was still amazing to her that they were in such different places when it came to each other. She rose from the table, not sure what else she should say.

  “I’d…like to stay. If not here with the kids, at least the stables. Something.”

  Audrey bit her lower lip. It wasn’t entirely her call. She’d have to check with the other women on the floor, at the very least. Any Seeker presence had to be approved. Currently, the only approved posting was at the guardhouse.

  “Please, don’t keep me from my kids just because I let myself get carried away.” She knew he was exhausted, but she swore his eyes were watering, and doubted that had little to do with how little sleep he’d been getting.

  “I have to check with the others—it’s not my call.” The last thing she wanted was to keep him from them, especially Lily. I don’t know what to say if they refuse. Although, in all honesty, it wasn’t fair of her to ask in the first place. She was no one special to request preferential treatment. She was going to have to return to the Manse. It was the right thing to do. She could only hope Falda wouldn’t mind returning home; the girl had finally blossomed here, becoming more sure of herself.

  Staring into his watering green eyes, Audrey gave up. “Let’s just go home.”

  Lily’s fussy cries woke her, and she had a blessedly clear head. Caring for her babies always managed to
make the complicated problems in her life simpler, if only because they weren’t as immediate. The twins were slowly graduating to mushed up solids, but still preferred to nurse in the mornings and before bed, so she sat in the rocker with them, one in each arm. When they were done, she changed them, managing to dodge Rowan’s new trick of trying to anoint her every time she removed his diaper. He giggled up at her when she managed to keep him covered, chewing on his fist.

  “Yeah, you little squirt you. I’ve got your number.” She smiled, shaking her head. Girls were so much easier; that’s why she’d changed Lily first. They didn’t like to make a game of target practice every time you changed them.

  Lily cooed, reaching out with her hand towards the door. Audrey looked up to see Ace standing in the doorway, pants tugged on but no shirt, with a wicked case of bed head.

  “Yup, you’re a daddy’s girl, all right.” Audrey chuckled as Ace shuffled in, more asleep than awake. “I’ve got them if you want to go back to sleep.”

  He looked like he needed it. “No, no, I’ve been away too much lately. I need some time with my little princess.” He stifled a huge yawn as he reached down into the crib to pick her up. She squealed happily, immediately grasping stray strands of his hair in her fist and tugging.

  “And she’s missed me too, apparently.” He ground the words out through gritted teeth as he tried to extricate his hair from her iron grasp.

  Audrey shook her head with a smile on her face as she settled Rowan on her hip. Days like today, they felt like a real family. Almost. There was no desire, seeing him sleepy and only half dressed. Fondness, sure, but nothing else. He was a good-looking man, well-muscled. He doted on their children, and was everything she should be attracted to. She just…wasn’t.

  She walked over to the window with Rowan, trying to escape her thoughts. He leaned away from her, pressing his hands against the pane. A brightly plumed bird was sitting on the balcony, head-deep in the flowers in the window box. It jumped about for a better position, showing off red and blue plumage, with a splash of gold across the breast.

  “Do you see the bird?”

  Rowan bounced in her arms.

  “Bird.” It was never too early to start trying to teach word association, and Audrey took every chance she could get.

  Rowan banged on the window, wanting a closer look, but the bird flew off at the sudden noise. His face fell and his lips pressed into a thin frown, his forehead quivering as his brows drew down.

  “That’s what happens when you scare the birdie. It flies away.” She said the words matter-of-factly, but he still sniffled.

  “Here, let’s get you playing with your blocks.” She put him down on the floor and brought out the dyed bamboo blocks, spilling them across the floor. He was still all kinds of grumpy and he picked up a blue block, shouting as he threw it across the room.

  “Rowan!” She bent down, patting his hand. “We don’t throw things.”

  He stuck his lips out in a pout, his face turning red. He turned away from the blocks, scrunching up his nose and staring at the window. Audrey sighed, letting him have his tantrum in peace. He didn’t scream or yell much, but had a glare like a basilisk when he was upset.

  They made it through their morning, and how they had a clear schedule Audrey had no idea, but she was thankful for it. Especially after everything that had happened, the losses they’d taken, the complications dogging her at every turn, having even a morning to themselves was bliss.

  “So…about the Hound thing.”

  Bliss, until Ace brought that up again. Audrey tried to keep her reaction neutral. “Mmhmm?”

  Ace cleared his throat, tidying up the living area. “I figure you’ll want to get this over with sooner than later.”

  Guilt panged in her chest again. He knew her so well, and had she bothered to figure him out? Not really. “I think that would be best, yes.” She tended to obsess over the ‘what ifs’, so getting a solid answer would help.

  “I checked with Tops. Hound’s due to report in this morning, but should be free this afternoon.”

  Audrey bit her lower lip. So soon? “I, uh, kind of think this conversation should be as private as possible.”

  Ace frowned. “That’s not really an option, Audrey. Things are too unsettled still.”

  She shook her head, glancing up at him. “I could hardly tell you. Alone. You think I’m going to be able to tell him in front of witnesses? Or that he’d agree with people watching?” Damn. She may not have Ace pegged, but it appeared she knew exactly how Hound would react.

  “Your safety has to be my priority.” He was resolute, not willing to budge on the point.

  “So, I’ll…” she trailed off, her mind racing. Lightbulb! “I’ll meet him in a Grove. No one can harm me there.”

  Ace had a throw pillow in his hands, seemingly forgotten as he mulled the idea over. “That could work, I guess.” He seemed reluctant to admit the point, fluffing the pillow forcefully.

  She frowned as she watched him. “You’re sure you’re okay with this?”

  “Me?” His voice was higher than usual. “Yeah, of course.”

  Liar.

  “What Grove do you want to go to?” As if to compensate for his tone before, now his voice was a deep baritone.

  She had to think that over. Amberfoot wasn’t an option, partly because of the Guardian and partly because of its lack of energy reserves. “Prestin? It had plenty of energy stored up last time we were there. And there’s not just the Groves, but the orchards as well.” The more she thought about it, the more the location appealed to her.

  Ace studied her for a moment before slowly nodding. “All right. Prestin it is.”

  22

  Audrey stood in the Grove for a few minutes, getting her bearings. She felt guilty and off-balance over the entire affair and even with Ace’s grudging encouragement, she couldn’t shake the feeling that if she followed through on this course of action, she was abandoning him. None of these were emotions she wanted Hound to pick up on.

  He might still refuse. In her current state, she wasn’t sure if that might even prove to be a relief. It would keep things simpler, but if she was being honest, it wasn’t what she wanted.

  She forced herself into her trance, more for the peace it would bring than because she intended to do any work while she was here. She wasn’t sure how long it took her, but when she’d finally managed to get her emotions under control she reached out through the bond she largely ignored, calling out across the distance to Hound. She got a vague idea that he was far to the east, but more than that she couldn’t tell. She’d always been geographically challenged.

  His location changed; he’d cut their distance in half. She turned to face his current direction and sent the call out again. She’d never called to him from a Grove before, and she had no scheduled outings. He likely suspected a threat of some kind. She frowned, unsure of how to reassure him from a distance.

  The Grove reacted to his presence before she tracked it, and when she switched her sight to view the taint, she could see why. He had cloaked himself in the stuff, nearly radiating it around him. He’s using it as a shield.

  Audrey made her way through the trees, the distance to him skewed by the nearly two-dimensional aspect of her sight.

  “Audrey?”

  “It’s me.” She let her sight dissipate, smiling softly as the true hues of the world came back to her. “I’m sorry if I alarmed you.”

  Hound glanced around, his eyes flashing green. He took a few steps closer to her, hand on his sword, still scanning. “You’re here. Alone.” His glare was vicious and she found herself shrinking away from him.

  “Um, yes. I needed to speak to you about something private.” She shrugged, gesturing at the trees around her. “Hence the Grove.”

  Hound’s eyes flashed again, his tattoos glowing in the filtered light of the Grove. “And Ace agreed and brought you here.” He crossed his arms over his chest, staring at her without a hint of emotion on
his face. “You’ve found something.”

  She swallowed, managing to nod. I didn’t expect this to be so difficult. “You’re kind of making it hard to get this out.” She was flustered, hugging herself and refusing to meet his gaze. She tracked his boots as he closed the gap between them, still not looking up when he was only a few paces away.

  “Audrey.”

  She took a deep breath and forced her eyes up. His posture was a bit more relaxed; he’d uncrossed his arms from his chest and they now hung at his sides, neither hand on a weapon. His expression was still alert, but the edge had come off somewhat.

  “What did you find?” His tone was softer, closer to how he used to speak to her when there wasn’t anyone else around. Slightly awkward, but the icy control of command was gone.

  “I found a way to cure you. I mean, I didn’t find it, technically, Ellen did, but she told me, and, oh heavens, I’m rambling.” She felt her cheeks burning and put her hands over her face, hiding from him. All those sleepless hours agonizing over how to tell him, and she blurted it out in a senseless spout of rambling. Brilliant.

  Hound’s hands gently pulled at her own, revealing her face. The air in the Grove felt cool against her hot cheeks, but she couldn’t bring herself to look in his eyes. She settled for a ring on his chest piece, letting her eyes stay there where it was safe.

  “There’s a cure?” The dead sound she’d gotten so used to hearing in his voice was finally gone, replaced instead by the smallest glimmer of hope.

  She nodded slowly, keeping her eyes on that ring. “There is. There’s a bit of a catch, but I can cure you.”

  “What’s the catch?” The dead sound was back and he’d shifted his weight to his heels, away from her.

  He’s not going to go for it. I can just tell. Her fingers played with the hem of her tunic, nearly ripping the fabric. I shouldn’t care this much. I really shouldn’t. But she did. It didn’t matter that Ace was the father of her children. It didn’t even matter if Hound felt the same way back. This possibility had revealed to her where her heart had been all along, and now she had no clue how to deal with it. No matter how she handled this, someone was getting hurt. With luck, it would only be her.