Song of the Brokenhearted

by Sheila Walsh

  Jessie made a huffing noise and plopped back onto the couch.

  “Do you want my kid or not?” Bethany asked Ava.

  Ava felt the weight of Emma in her arms. “I do . . . but . . .”

  “That’s fine by me. You take her, or you can leave her while you decide. It’s up to you. I’m gonna find her a good home. I won’t let her live in this pit I grew up in, that you grew up in too. My baby isn’t gonna have this life. I’m making sure of that.”

  Ava nodded. “I need to know how to reach you. There are legal avenues we have to follow no matter what happens. You might change your mind too. But I’ll take her while my husband and I decide what to do.”

  Bethany glanced at Emma with a pained expression as she swallowed hard. “Deal. Let’s shake on it.”

  Ava grabbed the hand the girl offered. Had they just made some kind of family pact over Emma?

  “Leaving just like that? Back to Dallas?” Aunt Lorena said.

  “I’m going to see my brother.”

  “I bet you don’t go see your daddy.”

  Ava frowned at that. What did they care if she saw her father or not? He wasn’t related to this side of the family, though they’d all attended Daddy’s church when they were growing up.

  “No, I probably won’t,” she said, staring back at her aunt.

  “I’m gonna walk you out,” Bethany said.

  Several children followed, until Aunt Lorena screeched at them to come inside. Ava realized that she hadn’t met all of them and had no idea who they were.

  The shadow of the house was long and narrow across the ground as they walked toward the cars.

  Frankie and Benny had disappeared, and Ava caught a stench of something she didn’t want to recognize. The family had always supplemented their income with some kind of illegal activity, and cooking drugs had been their most profitable.

  “I wish I could take them all,” Ava said, glancing back at the house.

  Bethany nodded, her eyes studying Emma. The baby seemed to finally notice her and perked up, kicking her feet as she smiled.

  “Can I hold her?” Bethany asked meekly.

  “Of course,” Ava said, passing Emma into her mother’s arm. Tears fell quickly down the girl’s cheek.

  “I never guessed that I’d love something so much.”

  “There are ways to keep her. We could help, at least as much as we can.”

  Bethany touched Emma’s head and seemed to breathe her in. Ava could see the resolve in her eyes.

  “Can’t do it. I’m too messed up right now to be her mama.

  I’m as bad as this place,” she said, motioning toward the house. “I appreciate you talking to me on the phone, though. Made me feel like I could get out, do something, clean my life up, and make something of myself. Then I’ll have babies that I can raise. Maybe Ems will forgive me when she grows up. She’ll see what a better life she had and that her mama loved her enough to get better.”

  Bethany wiped at her eyes and cradled Emma against her.

  “I never knew a baby could feel so good. I’d do anything for her.”

  “So how are you going to change your life?” Ava wanted this girl to succeed, to make her plans really happen. They’d both seen enough failed dreams in this family. She glanced up at the house and knew that as little kids, none of Ava’s aunts or cousins wanted their lives to become this.

  Bethany shrugged as she looked at the guy who walked by them, offering Ava a nod before he hopped in the driver’s seat of an old Trans Am. His hand moved in and out of the window as he took drags from the second cigarette Ava had seen him smoking since she’d arrived.

  “I like him. We might have a chance. He’s a decent guy.”

  “You need to get out of here, at least for a while.” Ava had a memory of Bethany as a child with long blond hair, always wearing her mama’s high-heeled shoes.

  “I’m trying. My guy thinks I’ve got some talent. I sang at a talent show at the fair last summer. Got runner-up. But I don’t know. I’m stuck here in the valley, don’t ask me why. I went to Vegas with some girlfriends for a bachelorette party, and one time I went to Disneyland after my daddy got his settlement for that tractor accident. It’s all right going places like that for a time. But I think this is where I belong.”

  Ava saw a slight dip in her chin that reminded her of Sienna. The girls were only a few years apart.

  “It doesn’t have to be like that, Bethany. I’m sorry that I haven’t been here for you while you were growing up.”

  “Oh, I don’t blame you. You had to do what you had to do. I don’t blame you one bit. Just like I’m doing with Emma. We do what we must to survive, right?”

  They were words of someone who’d seen too much in her young life. Bethany kissed Emma’s forehead and held her against her for a moment longer.

  “Take her now, will you?” Bethany passed the baby into Ava’s arms.

  “I can’t make any promises, except that she’s not growing up here,” Ava said, feeling a sudden burden for the other children she was leaving behind. Then she remembered all that was happening at home. They were broke, losing everything. She and Dane didn’t want to raise another child. How could they even consider it? But Ava couldn’t speak one word of this as Emma held on to her arm and laid her head against her shoulder.

  “Tell her I love her.”

  “I’ll tell her,” Ava said as she watched Bethany hurry toward the Trans Am. The engine roared to life before Bethany had hopped inside. A moment later, they were turning around and Bethany leaned forward, her hands covering her face, her shoulders shaking with sobs. The guy put one hand over her back and gave Ava a sad look as he drove by.

  From the corner of her eye, Ava saw faces peering through the window of the house. She wished to load up all of the children, but she couldn’t save them all. She didn’t know if she could save this one, or even how she’d hold up herself. But that was God’s job, she reminded herself.

  Benny came out from the barn as Ava buckled Emma into her seat. They hugged and she saw the tears in his eyes.

  “Bye, Beans. And thank you.”

  He nodded and said good-bye to Emma as she fussed in her car seat.

  “I better get to driving before the baby gets too fussy.”

  “Come see us more often, Ava Lynn.”

  “I’ll try. Or you come to Dallas. And tell Franks good-bye.”

  Ava took another look at the farmhouse and wondered if she’d ever see this place again.

  Aunt Lorena appeared on the porch, put her hands together over her mouth, and shouted, “Go see your daddy!”

  Ava just waved and turned on the engine. It was definitely time to leave. But as Grannie’s old farm grew smaller behind her, Ava knew for sure that the place she’d dreaded and avoided for all these years had no more hold on her life. God had brought her back to reveal how He’d set her free long ago.

  Twenty-Nine

  “WE’RE SURPRISING YOUR UNCLE CLANCY,” AVA TOLD EMMA AS SHE fed her a bottle in a fast-food parking lot by the Walmart in town.

  After feeding Emma and changing her diaper, Ava drove the thirty minutes toward the house where she’d spent most of her years as a child.

  Her parents had bought the land when she was a toddler. When Daddy was sent to prison, he offered the place to the kids. Ava gave her half of the deed to Clancy. It was not land she cared to own.

  Ava turned down the driveway, the gravel crunching beneath the tires. The road branched into a Y with the house in one direction and the barns and mechanic’s garage in the other. The trees had grown higher and blocked out much of the darkening sky, even with branches empty of leaves.

  She followed the trail of abandoned cars that she could see in a field along the left. Ava guessed where she’d find Clancy.

  With a glance in the rearview mirror, Ava could see Emma’s eyes closed. The long gravel road had lulled her back to sleep. How grateful she was for such an easy traveler.

  The huge wor
kshop came into view with a circle driveway around it. A sign sat on the ground, leaning against the outside of the workshop, that read Grub’s Auto Repair. Clancy had told her this sign had hung over the garage of his auto shop in town until he shut it down. He had more business than he could handle. Expanding wasn’t in Clancy’s blood, and he didn’t need the headaches of two garages, so he moved back to the workshop on his property. Simplify was Clancy’s motto.

  The workshop appeared freshly painted but the metal roof showed its age with long, rusted streams along the grooves where the winter rains had stained it. A newer truck was parked to the side with shiny rims and gleaming red paint.

  Ava turned off the engine and stepped from the car, zipping up her jacket. The cold came quickly with the autumn shadows. She tucked a blanket around Emma, leaving her in the car seat, and then left the door ajar while she walked toward the open garage where two cars and a small tractor were in the process of repair.

  The air smelled of grease, gasoline, and burning leaves. Ava noticed the smoldering pile of leaves at the corner of the garage as she approached. If it weren’t for a light bulb dangling from the ceiling and the low sound of a radio playing from a stereo on the floor, Ava would’ve guessed the workshop was abandoned.

  “Anyone know a good mechanic around here?” she called into the open garage, not wanting to move far from the baby. Ava heard a tool clang onto the concrete floor and the slide of a floor dolly. Large work boots emerged first from beneath a sedan, then the rest of her brother on his back on the dolly. Clancy pulled off glasses and a headlamp, squinting his eyes as he stared at her.

  “You have got to be kidding me,” Clancy said, breaking into a wide grin.

  “You didn’t answer the phone. It just rang and rang.”

  “I only have my cell now, haven’t had the chance to call everyone with it. That’s on my list, you know. But what a shocker—I can’t believe my big sister is here, in the flesh,” he said, grabbing her into a strong bear hug.

  Clancy’s full head of thick hair had that messy look so many young people used gel and a blow dryer to get. He was well over six feet tall, towering over her. His bright blue eyes seemed to twinkle like Santa’s.

  “I didn’t realize just how much I missed you until right now,” Ava said, overcome with such emotion that she looked toward the baby to keep from bursting into tears.

  “I know what you mean, exactly,” he said sincerely. “Did you come down to see Daddy?”

  Ava frowned. “No, why?”

  Clancy shrugged, uncomfortable suddenly. “Just thought that was why you were showing up.”

  Ava didn’t understand the connection. Rare as it was when they talked, Clancy never brought up their father. “When did you speak to him last?”

  “First Saturday of every month.”

  Ava tried taking that in for a moment. “You mean, every first Saturday of every month?”

  Clancy shrugged. “I missed one in 2004 when we had a bad ice storm and again in 2006 ’cause I had the flu.”

  “That’s incredible . . . I think. Or else something is wrong with you.”

  They laughed at that. Ava glanced toward the open car door where Emma slept.

  Clancy walked to a tube of disinfecting wipes and pulled one out, cleaning his hands and forearms. “We both know something’s wrong with me. But you know, I don’t have kids and nothing much better to do but work and hunt. Dad needs someone.”

  Ava felt the stab of guilt. “I haven’t seen him in thirty years, actually thirty-one.”

  “Yeah, I know. I haven’t wanted to bring it up. But that was another reason I was going to call you soon.”

  “Aunt Lorena wouldn’t let it go that I see him.”

  Clancy’s mouth dropped dramatically. “What the heck? You braved that looney circus? Sister, what are you doing here?”

  Ava motioned toward her car. “Come see.”

  It dawned on Ava as they walked up the front porch of Clancy’s house—their childhood home—that there was a reason behind her brother and aunt’s questions.

  “Something’s wrong with Daddy.” Ava stopped suddenly.

  Clancy didn’t respond as he held open the door with the baby bag on his shoulder and waited for Ava to enter the house. Her brother had kept the place clean and maintained. The front door had been painted a shiny black, and the white of the house appeared crisp and clean.

  Emma rubbed her eyes and whimpered before dropping back to sleep over Ava’s shoulder. Ava’s back ached from holding the baby for the past few days, but she savored the feel of the little life pressed against her chest with head tucked near her chin and neck.

  The inside had the décor of a practical man with a Western style. There were pictures of cowboys and wild horses, and horseshoes were recycled and welded together for use throughout the house as coat hooks, towel racks, a fireplace grate, even an entire bench near the back door.

  “Did you make that?” Ava asked, inspecting the welds that held the shoes together.

  “I have a little too much time on my hands,” Clancy said with a chuckle.

  The furniture was distressed wood, and giant rugs covered clean wood laminate floors. Ava smelled stew cooking and saw a large kettle simmering on the kitchen stove.

  “It’s usually a tad cleaner than this, but you caught me unawares, sister.”

  Ava looked around with admiration, though a knot had formed in her stomach as she realized how much of her brother’s life she’d been missing. Questions about their father kept rising to her thoughts, but she squelched them for the moment.

  “The old place looks great. You’ve made some changes. And new appliances too. It hardly looks like the same house.” Clancy showed her how he’d knocked out the wall between the living and dining room and put in a large window and sliding door out toward the backyard where a brick barbecue and long rock bar replaced the dried grass where the Doughboy pool had been. She felt relieved to see that her brother hadn’t kept the house like a memorial to a tragedy.

  “I’ve gotten quite handy. Have you eaten? I’m cooking a stew. I make a big one when I cook, then freeze the leftovers.”

  “My domesticated brother. Smells great, and I’m starving.”

  Over giant bowls of stew and store-bought corn bread, Ava finally returned to the topic she dreaded.

  “Tell me what’s wrong with Daddy. What is it?”

  “The cancer.”

  “What kind? How bad? How long has he had it? What are they doing to treat it?”

  “Pancreas and it’s pretty bad. Stage four. He found out last month. They aren’t treating him, he don’t want it anyway.”

  Ava leaned back in her chair, trying to take it in. She stared toward the living room where Emma played on a blanket with her teething ring.

  “So that’s why Aunt Lorena kept asking me if I’d seen him.”

  “Yeah, I’m sure. She still is one of his ardent followers.”

  “Really? Since the days he was a preacher?”

  “Guess before that too. She had a thing for him when they were younger, but he only had eyes for Mama.”

  “I had no idea.” Ava shook her head in dismay. Perhaps that was the reason Aunt Lorena had always seemed to hate their mother.

  “She’s been visiting him for quite a few years now. This hit her pretty hard.”

  Ava watched Emma trying to turn over on her blanket from her back to her stomach. She got stuck on her side again and finally gave up, flopping onto her back.

  “I guess I should see him,” she muttered more to herself than to Clancy. She rose from the table to turn Emma over for some tummy time. She kicked her arms and legs excitedly and grabbed the teething ring.

  “Seems there are a few reasons for your trip out here,” Clancy said in a matter-of-fact tone. “I haven’t had a house guest for quite some time, and tonight I get two.”

  They stayed up late talking. Clancy hadn’t visited them in Dallas in a number of years, and he’d never been much
good on the phone. Ava was surprised to hear that he’d nearly married and that he’d become a golfer of all things.

  “Golf? You?”

  “I dated myself a photographer from Austin for a while. She was out here taking pictures when we met. She liked to golf— her father was really good and taught her. She bought me some irons for Christmas one year, and I got hooked.”

  “So the girlfriend ended but the golfing didn’t?”

  “You got it.”

  “And no girlfriend now?” Ava asked, her eye sweeping the place for any sign of a feminine touch.

  “Not at the moment. And with work and visiting Dad more often, I don’t see time to look for one.”

  “How often do you visit him now?”

  “Coming on to every few days now. He don’t have much time, so I figured might as well make it good.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me, Clancy?”

  He chewed the edge of his lip and rubbed his forehead.

  “Daddy told me not to, but I was going to anyway, Aves. Just I wasn’t ready to break his request quite yet.”

  Ava pursed her lips. Was this the real purpose of Emma coming into her life, so that she’d come back home and find out about her dad? If so, what did God want her to do with the baby?

  “So we’ll see him in the morning then,” Ava said with a dread that sent shivers through her body.

  Clancy set Ava up in his guest room. He moved the bed against the wall to keep Emma with one safe edge and Ava would be the border of the other. After getting Emma to sleep, she crawled into bed with her muscles aching and head full of the day’s events.

  With the house settled down for the night, Clancy’s dog bounded inside and straight for her brother’s room. She heard him talking to Danner and the hound’s tail knocking against something in the room. The woodstove popped with a fresh oak log stuffed inside, and off in the distance, a chorus of coyotes yelped in an otherwise silent world. She stared at the ceiling and was glad to be sleeping in Clancy’s old room and not her own.