Mens (english version)

by Quelli di ZEd

  15.

  I was awake. I did for opening completely my visual horizon, but I had self-control me. I didn't know where I was neither how much time was departed from the beginning of the trip. I opened the window of navigation and I saw how much it stayed for reaching Mars. Sixteen hours, few less.

  More than eight hours I had slept.

  The propeller did its duty, I launched one diagnostic so much to feel me sure. I looked only in before, assembling me on the destination: there were still the three weak starlets endeavors of red and the suitable real acceleration in mortar, not very different from the value of target.

  I felt well me. I had studied myself: I knew that I had enough energy, with that body, to face a pair of missions as that. The oxygen was not a problem, from when I had been connected to the vehicle, I had stopped consuming mine and I drew to that some escorts: a long cable connected me to the resources of my shuttle as an umbilical cord. I relaxed me. The sight of the space didn't upset me more: I widened my visual field without exaggerating. He/she is never known. I began to study the geography of Mars and the information that were in the exabyte respect to the ownerships of the city on the red planet. They seemed exhaustive. I studied the better point of the landing and some physical characteristic of the landscape that I would have met.

  I would have weighed few kilos, on ground Martian, but I would have had to imagine a way in which to move me. Unfortunately the thing was not discounted. My braccias were efficient certainly, but they were so versatile that would have had to choose me same the best method for arrancare. Because of this would be treated, probably. At least to the beginning.

  When the moment of the inversion of push came I was so assembled that almost I didn't hasten of it; I was fifty-fifty trip, by now. I reduced the motors to the least one, I reseted the propulsion, I slowly rotated the nozzles bringing them to direct the throws in the sense of march, in front of me. I brought the acceleration to nominal levels; I didn't feel any solicitation, for a man in meat and bones you/he/she would have been hard, also with the whole possible training. You/he/she would have withstood, certain, but only for very limited once.

  A frigolio from the web. I opened a window. It was Daylight.

  «Hi, dad. They tell me that it is everything to place» it said.

  It had an air some brim but him it checked well. Weakly smiled.

  «If you are sleeping it is the time to wake up you. To this point you are fifty-fifty run. My voice will come you with a delay of four or five minutes, and your answer will arrive to me after the same time. Impossible to make a true dialogue. Make to know me how you are. The small ones greet you, and also me. We hear again there more in there.»

  I felt me pervaded by a sense of heat. I am a father, I have to say him/it before every other thing.

  I didn't want to be hasty, with my daughter, but I didn't even want to give her impression to feel only me, there out, basting a long soliloquy. This way I was reduced me to the main point.

  «I feel me in form» I said. «The things regularly proceed. Out it is magnificent here, I will have to tell quite a lot to my nephews. You/he/she has been a pleasure for me to feel you Daylight. Now I start me studying, I have to grind of it of things. A regard to all how much. It will be all right.»

  I wondered me if I played some artificial, so impersonal and detached, but I think that the correct thing I did: the astronauts when they are busy really they do so, they are shiny and professional. Gives a safety idea and reliability. This way I wanted to seem to my daughter and to who other listened to me. I started to study again me. Now that knew almost all on the wiring of my brain, I could do something that I would not have suspected then never to understand before: I launched one diagnostic on myself. Not to make a will the inside of my brain, obviously; nobody would have been able to do him/it. I tried to verify only the interconnections and the levels of tension bioelettrica.

  It was a cosuccia to face for degrees: I opened the window of diagnostic and I chose the option angel. It opened a sottofinestra with the parameters of configuration. They concerned the signals that would have been launched by the external generator to the general terminal block. Everything, their intensity: there was a 100% default value. Not knowing of it big that, I left alone that number and I passed to other. The duration of the test: an only sequence or a series of loop you/he/she could be launched to choice. I planned an only sequence, then I passed over. I now had to select the entries to make a will: the sottofinestra was complex, it showed a big number of options, every selezionabile with a box of it sprouts. With my new knowledges I could recognize the most greater part of the options: they were the identifiers of the input channels. Us n'erano different hundred; I knew that in reality the generator of the signals of test selected only a channel to the time and the anticipated signal submitted him investing the exact area of the brain to solicit. The brain would have responded to the elementary solicitation, naturally. Not in complex and sophisticated way: to minuscule stimulus, lower case letter reaction; I would not even have realized of it but the replica bioelettrica of my grey subject you/he/she would have reached the correct channels on the terminal block, in opposite direction to that of the stimulus. My answer could come so to the other side of the interface by now convert in electric signals, and therefore to reach to the external circumferentors interconnected for the reading and the analysis.

  It seemed complicated, I know him/it, and to the moment I didn't know more a lot. But it worked.

  I was traccheggiando: I observed anchor, uncertain, the long list of the possible tests, each legacy to one primary function of mine. Don't be wrong and not to neglect anything I had solo to sprout together all of them: it didn't interest me to make a will only a part of myself, that the diagnostic one did everything that that he/she knew. It was also more express: I chose the option all the channels and I passed to other.

  There were other windows and options, but I didn't understand there big that; that that I knew it was that if I/you had left the values of default every thing you/he/she would correctly have been managed.

  "Let's stop well her. We launch the test" I told me.

  I returned to the principal window. The option start was her/it before screens her/it.

  Cliccai.

  It began everything with a curious feeling; there was something, inside, something that inflated, he expanded plain pian riempiendomi, almost suffocating me. I remained to observe me, curious. There was a that of physicist in how much it happened, a tactile perception under my steel cap; but it was impossible, I was only a brain, an insensitive organ materially.

  Then, of sudden, something dreadful attacked me: the external space disappeared from my horizon and I slipped straight me in myself.

  I sailed in a heterogeneous universe of incomprehensible stings; my emotions became vivid, conflittuali, inconfinabili.

  I was a splinter of insane and suffering conscience.

  I ideally groped as if I drowned, as if million of my fingers adunches above scabrous bluffs were skinned for holding me floating.

  An ocean inside. Terrible infinity.

  It was too much too much.

  Unbearable. Inaffrontabile.

  I didn't find other way of running away whether to submit me to the only mechanism known to my mind: I fainted.

  I don't know for how much time I remained without knowledge; perhaps a few minutes, perhaps a few times.

  It was the voice of Berliz to bring me to the reality; to the beginning it was an element disturbante, as soon as perceivable in the ecstatic immobility of my world. I was absorbed in the peace.

  The psychiatrist insisted stimulating me and calling me in all the ways that he knew. I let him/it do.

  It was a beautiful demonstration of eclecticism: Berliz tried with the gentleness, then with the rudeness; it followed the irascible invective contemplated to one irascible reaction of mine, then a tender prompt toward the sentimental pantheism which I would have had
to loosen communicating him to me every melanconico of mine thawing.

  I didn't pronounce me.

  It continued then with a hymn to the talentuoso solipsismo to motive for my Homeric personal enterprise whose exaltation would have had to sustain to big voice; it finally flowed in the astrofilia mysticism from whose lyricism would have had to pronounce me bound.

  In short, anything also to make to speak to me.

  I was him/it to feel but without listening to him/it, I was emotionally prostrated.

  But Berliz started to be indisponente. I had to remove from me him of back.

  «Yes» I said.

  The man immediately could not feel me, however; some minutes were needed that my voice ploughed the space and came on the Earth. I suffered with calm patience the last bursts of the psychiatrist until that fifty-fifty discourse he didn't interrupt and it did a funny smorfietta of amazement.

  My message had arrived to him.

  «Angel, curse» Berliz exclaimed. «Not to make jokes of the kind anymore. We cannot have a normal conversation, you know him/it. Too much distant. Tell me thing has happened, thing we can do from here. Be exhaustive, we avoid the game of the questions and answers, would like us a lot of time. From now on I would like, that I chatted holding adjourns us on what happens. Understood?»

  If I was not wrong, you/he/she had concluded with a question him same. Berliz had to have a worry of the devil, rarely it was contradictory.

  But it was right, it was correct that they were informed of all of my movements. Nevertheless it was a nuisance: I would have had to face difficulty and to assemble to resolve her to me; the last thing of which I had need was to repeat as an idiot what I had seen or felt, while I was being pressed from who knows what events.

  This way I started a mental operation in background, completely automatic, that would have provveduto from that moment in then to transmit to the Earth everything that that I observed in the field of the visible one and what felt to the radio besides my same voice.

  From the Earth you/they would not continually have disturbed me with their questions and you/they would have had a precise idea of the situation more than with thousand words.

  I noticed then only that there was an open finestrella that asked for my attention. It brought the result of the diagnostic one"; connections ok" it said. The closed ones without thinking twice of us.

  «Well» I started, with big work.

  I tried to assemble me, but it didn't care anything of it. In the space there was calm to redundance. It pervaded me.

  «Well» I repeated. «I can reassume this way. I have launched the diagnostic one on myself, without planning strange parameters. A fast cosina. You would be able. ugh. ugh. inver pensar that the success me arrise, but. nisba: son ito out of space and time. Poscia rieccomi here, pregnant of boldness. The diagnostic one signals correct result but me on this I nourish stercoraria opinion.»

  I remember that had lavish placazione in every where.

  Ristetti, tames.

  Something in me played sbieco, I was worthwhile of it but a lukewarm sentor of the pleased one spread of around saturating me.

  I was of done honey and finished up.

  After the necessary minutes the image of Berliz assumed a twisted posture, the eyes of the psychiatrist were left half open, in a way that seemed me such yes from manual that I annotated him to me I duly toast to the notebook the qual I extracted, I lined and ridisposi in the bulgy tasconcino of my jeans.

  A part of me was delighted, ascertaining that the thoughts were organized me in endecasillabi to kissed rhyme.

  Another part was dismayed; but joy still triumphed, at last.

  «Angel» the physician started, with extreme caution. «You, regret Angel to tell me as you feel yourself, with the maximum precision, and as you see the mission in progress?»

  «Niuna asks, you suggested from now on» I replied, after the necessary lead times, besides enchanting. «And answered niuna you will have.»

  The time flew. Minutes of extemporaneous happiness.

  «Yes. Ehm. I know The said» it made Berliz imitating my tone of voice. «Yes. But. The considered us. I would appreciate if with simple. ugh, contained exultation The wanted render. ugh, distinguished your thought. and-ehm, unraveling the deadly clouds that approach you to the cor.»

  When I heard that answer, I clapped the hands (all and four) thankful for the scent of complicity that permeommi.

  The metallic limbs made to wave the plates of the space craft.

  «And is» granted. «Therefore. mission? Ouch, forgetful of the arcane cagion of my ristar among these stars, son here to graze me some divine love. Idyllic it is the until that here portommi: contemplar the incontemplabile infinity of the cosmos. Nothing doing, over this. My mission both this.»

  The time unthread. My cor overflowed dear to profusion.

  «Angel» it said Berliz with the upright hair. «Listen well to me. You are. upset. It examines the exabyte. It looks who are and where you are.»

  The omo kept on storming me of recommendations, mentr'io I tried a lyric composition to the time of the sky and the stars; with my horror the rhyme limped, and I abdicated.

  The time pitted its wheats.

  When I heard chilometrico anthology of invectives of the terrestrial friend, to me, that radiant and saint I was by now ethereal in the navigar in cotal celestial sea, reproach assisted me without theme.

  «Never» I objected, I don't know thing good; trembling of ambascia, calm eppur.

  The pallor of Berliz was also evident from that disheveled image which I paid scarce attention.

  Then I came basito from the advent of a sweet maid, that appressossi to plasters him luminary for parlottar with him certain of ponderous matter. The baby aimed dared a falangetta, to me you/he/she turns.

  «Dad, cries immediately her to make the fool» you/he/she said (the stupid epithet was ever seemed me more polite). «Memoirs when uncle Dan and you did to competition to whom drank more gins? You expressed yourself in verses and you didn't listen to anybody. His/her mother made you return to reason howling you of ugly.»

  «My dear girl.» it said doctor Berliz.

  He/she talked to the baby and I felt to bad punishment. I increased the volume and I filtered better the segnal.

  «... It is everything other thing. We don't know what has happened him, but of certain it is not drunk.»

  «It behaves as if the were» it said her, sure of his/her fact. I observed him. It was my daughter, since dad had called me. Yes, I felt him/it, the assertion was veracious. Did this upset me: for inductive trial, would Berliz have been my child if also he had called me dad? And would you/he/she have done him? If yes: as I had given birth to him, me that I was only a beautiful ovetto? Ovetto. Already. I had perhaps opened, I imagined a crowd of Berliz that you/they interested for going out of my corpicello. No, I had to go awry, assumes him mine it erred: not inductive, but deductive logic I had to use. From the general to the particular one, so I had to act; but graduated around not us n'erano, so no deduction; the last paper was the demonstration for absurd. And the absurd situation was; the correct criterion seemed therefore me. Then I meditated": Berliz, my child. If the were I would be his/her father; in such case I would have fornicated. With that he fornicates?"

  The thing partly it escaped me: I was chubby and liscettino. And then, this matter of the to fornicate. who fornicates it is in the The fornicateds. Imenotteri stuff. I was well other; always artropode, certain, but I threw more on the arachnid. However, for me to conceive was inconceivable.

  "And finally" I thought" if indeed Berliz were me descending, it would give downward; if of my stock, you/he/she would already have bursted; if of my stock, you/he/she would already be eradicated; if it were my race, it would have some gills; if blood of my blood, were very bloodless."

  It was there instead in shape and well erect, breathing to full bellows. Rather it seemed, it bursted of health: I im
mediately obviously covered me the ears, but not happened nothing irreparable. I was wandering, better returning to bomb. I covered again me the ears, worried, but he/she anchors alcunché it didn't happen. These forgeries you alarm they were annoying and they dissuaded me from the matter that it was me to heart. I had to return to bo. on the matter that pressed me.

  Therefore, Berliz. And if, was to produce Berliz, reproduced me for mitosis as a beautiful cellulone?

  "If I was separated me

  and pits my issue

  it would be diffuse a great deal

  it would give to the zoppìa."

  I hummed joyful. Did I immediately stop me; qual poetonzolo of thickness would be abandoned to of the mediocre ettasillabis? Me no of certain.

  I allowed to lose all and I observed the images from the Earth.

  Berliz was there, zittin zittone, and it didn't even walk. Then also that of the mitosis was a hypothesis to discard.

  I appraised with calm my considerations.

  I was delighted a lot me: good heavens, that incontestable reasons.

  Then Berliz was not my child. Well.

  However that baby was my daughter. I knew him/it, I was certain of it.

  For her there was the same problem. Yes, it was everything illogical; I had to climb over the logic and to go over, to the transcendent one. But in qual way? Taken by the doubt, I wrinkled with strength my pediment, producing a big noise with the steel torn of the face. Uhm but the steel him torn? Was it possible then, to do something with all these popòs of c? The thing played even cacophonous (here again the popò), but not eran bathes there there in the space. To avoid to do me her I set definite to ignore me and I meditated.

  Transcendence. Yes, after all it was a simple matter. I skimmed through the bibbia, the apex recognized of the transcendence, and it was a big discovery. Me tocchicchiai the chest: I didn't have ribs, not even one. In how much man I would have owed, even if I don't know how much.

  But. any rib; if I/you had had two of them, one, also fractions, that The know. three eleventh of whole. But of ribs not even the shade. And here is the test: so him fan the females, said the bibbia. It was there, my rib, spoke to me from the Earth. Pretty, while the Berliz fixed me.

  The two took to speak dense rent animately discussing. It came therefore my turn of profferir word with those that quarreled still.

  «Sweet and sugary Figliuola» I expressed. «Niuno has to contradict you. Nemmanco the brute that parlommi toasts. Ei won't owe giappiù to address some breath. Deh!»

  The deh! it came well me. I silently repeated him/it more times with my fleshy lips, but the first one stayed the best.

  I lay, at last, surrendering to the fainting for that two spectacular blue eyes (of the baby, not of the brute).

  The giunonica creature still had to battibeccare coll'indefesso guy. When my message came her it stopped speaking and it set the palms of the hands against the sides.

  «Then dad» it told tall voice. «Listen well to me and you do what I tell you. Fault, my goodness.»

  I preset me to solicit the stelluccia to not propalar curses, but she continued with definite.

  «It records how much it follows, then you repeat to iosa: immediately cries her/it, dad, or I come there and I do you her to see bigie!»

  The missive was absurd, but I recorded.

  I didn't exactly know how much it meant to iosa, but I imagined it was quite a lot. I began to repeat what became soon a tedious refrain. So unbearable, rather, that studied him/it to me: thing I had to plant, and where? In name of qual mannerism agricolturale, then? And thing there could be of grey that my daughter wanted to show me? And would you/he/she have been so terrible, if you/he/she had done him? Then I analyzed the tone of his/her voice: yes, you/he/she would have been him/it.

  I compared the sentence with that that there was in the database and I found the preceding communication of Daylight from the Earth; the tone was different entirely, I also heard my balanced answer: perbaccolina, seemed indeed a well-mannered signorino!

  Ripercorsi to bashful the phases that had brought me until there and that you/they were ended in the exabyte. I reconstructed so my recent history: boring and troublesome, but perfusa of tension.

  My peaceful serenity slowly dissolved him.

  «Be'» I told the end. «I am here again.»

  I felt me disorientated. I remembered very well all until I had not launched the diagnostic one, then my memoirs entangled him. I tried to remember what had happened, but only days after I would have had the answer: also my delirium was ended in the exabyte. I employed the necessary time to the replica from the Earth to take back the control of myself. I felt me to place, now, but I had the vague conscience to have combined an eccentric of it.

  «God I thank you» it made Berliz throwing the breath.

  Daylight been granted a sorrisetto of sufficiency: he/she knew more her of the physicians, on his/her father.

  «I have spoken with Of the» it said the doctor. «We think about knowing what has happened. It frames your limbs, Angel, and move only them for an instant.»

  When the message came me I didn't answer; I confined me to look me at the hands and I did a timid hi hi with everybody and four. I patiently attended that to Berliz the images came. When it happened, the man slightly blushed.

  «Should not happen» it said. «You should not be able to do him/it. We have the recordings of the operations of preparation to the trip done in the laboratory. An error has been committed on her/it. terminal block. Too much of run, I suppose. The channels of I/O for your legs are connected on the wrong points. I repeat. Your hardware should not work. If it works it is because your brain has found the way of doing to work him/it, you/he/she is adapted. And that's why you have slept so much during the trip toward the orbital station: to succeed in unraveling the skein, your brain has had to extinguish the non essential systems. È. an impossible thing. But you/he/she is happened, you/he/she has gone for strength so.»

  Berliz appeared at once enthusiastic and worried.

  «For this the diagnostic one has given good result» taken back. «However, however smart, the brain has not resolved everything. It was not able. That of the limbs is a problematic channel however. When you use too much it other systems and you they are destabilized you enter a phase of scarce control of yourself. The diagnostic one has strongly solicited him/it, so much to be made to faint you for a sort of. overloaded. From awake you live the scarce control as a kind of drunkenness, it seems. At least, so you/he/she has been this time.»

  «How?» I felt Daylight join in conversation, while it was staring at the doctor with a certain anxiety. «He/she wants to say that it will still happen?»

  Berliz observed my daughter with understanding.

  «It is possible, yes. Angel, on Mars it walks less that are able. It rests the limbs, take yourself your times.»

  "Fantastic" I thought.

  I was as a kind of time bomb, ready to go off not in the insanity as soon as my brain had had of it enough. That mission didn't enjoy any best auspices. I wondered me if it were the case of lasciar to lose. I heard Daylight that exactly told Berliz this. The physician tightened him in the shoulders: he thought that that pits a decision that was not up to him.

  «You will have felt Angel» it said turned to me. «You have to decide you. Think well of us.»

  There was not the physical time to baste a new mission, any other it had the possibility to travel to my acceleration consuming a laughable quantity of fuel. Berliz had said that I had to decide, but in reality I didn't have the faculty of it: there was there people from some part in trouble before and the residue of a man was able to his/her risk to bring help.

  The choice was easy.