No Greater Love

by Susan Rodgers

  Then – Jessie flipped around in her stool and gaped at the hallway. She had stumbled in with such verve and gusto to greet Deirdre and Carlotta in the kitchen she didn’t stop to ponder why there was a greenish khaki duffle bag and a guitar case in the hallway. Then it hit her, and she jumped up and stared.

  “Dee!” Jessie whipped around to see Dee nervously eyeing her.

  Deirdre threw up her hands. “It was Charles’ idea, Jessie. I told him to ask you first, but he…”

  “Where? Where is he?” Jessie almost shouted - rather gleefully, Dee thought curiously.

  Carlotta pointed. “Down the hall. In the studio with Charles…”

  But her last words hung unheard in the air. Jessie was already on the run.

  She reached the studio in record time and held her breath as she stood undetected in the same place where Charles and Dee watched her that first day back, which now seemed like a lifetime ago. Through the glass wall she could see him – Jacob – in the studio with Charles, undoubtedly blown away by this amazing home and the recording studio within. Wait til he hears there’s an even bigger one downtown, Jessie thought.

  Watching Jacob nod and timidly respond to Charles’ explanations of the studio’s hi-tech recording gear, Jessie felt a wide smile spread its wings across her face. Not that she was forgetting Josh and his sketches. No, after her chat with Mary Helen it was more like suddenly she felt a certain peace with the world, that it was okay to sit back and let the universe show her the way.

  She moved then, and from inside Jacob caught a flicker in the corner of his eye. Expectantly, he turned towards the door. He, like Charles and Dee, was uncertain of the reception he would receive from Jessie and so he was hesitant at first, but he needn’t have worried. She was on him in seconds, but there were tears amidst her joy as the emotion of the last while took its toll. Charles dropped his head and studied his shoes, and then with a soft touch on Jessie’s back he left the two younger folks alone. Jacob held Jessie as tight as he could, tickling her neck with soft words of comfort.

  “Hey, Jessie, it’s okay, it’s okay. I’m here now. I’m here.”

  After a while the tears subsided. Jessie finally pulled back and studied him. Jacob had a little stubble, as usual, and she rubbed her hands over his cheeks to get the feel of him again. His eyes were red and tired but the old anger had faded and been replaced with loneliness, care and concern. Rubbing her hands over his soft flannel sleeves, Jessie soaked up the essence of him, and then she slipped both hands underneath his shirt in the back so she could feel his shoulder blades, and the heat of his skin on hers. Leaning forward so she could kiss his neck, Jessie breathed in the scent of Jacob Ryan. It was a mixture of cigarette smoke and airports today, but underneath it all was the green apple shampoo that spoke loudly and wordlessly, Edinburgh.

  “I can’t believe you’re here,” Jessie whispered. “Thank you Jacob. Thank you for coming.”

  “Well I hear you haven’t been playing music, so someone had to kick your lily white ass,” he murmured back, relishing the feel of her hands on his flesh and already wanting more.

  “I just needed a break,” she mumbled, suddenly sleepy, as if all the tension keeping her awake each day had miraculously dissipated.

  She could sense Jacob’s smile as he whispered back, “Good enough.”

  They stood that way for quite some time, the two lovers in each other’s embrace, just getting the feel of each other again, until Carlotta got brave (or perhaps tired of Charles and Dee’s pacing in the kitchen) and beckoned them for tea. Matt stayed long enough to meet Jacob as the couple emerged from their musical cocoon, and then he parted company to go pick up his daughter from a birthday party. He left Ulysses at La Casa’s front door with strict orders to call if necessary.

  Jacob stood at the entrance to the kitchen, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other as the others pulled out the leather stools for tea. He wasn’t used to the grandiose nature of the home, cozy as it was, and his mind had yet to completely reconcile that his Annie was Jessie Wheeler. Oh, and that he was in the presence of the famous Charles and Deirdre Keating. This was all a bit of a rush. He ran a hand through his layered ash brown curls, leaving them in scraggly ringlets.

  Jessie hauled him by the hand into the kitchen after throwing effusive hugs around the necks of Charles, Dee and Carlotta, in that order.

  Later, after a dinner of pasta ai quattro formaggio preceded by Carlotta’s homemade Caesar salad and bruschetta, Carlotta met up with her gardener boyfriend to visit baby Eric, the new grandson. At La Casa the makeshift family shared dish duty together, which helped Jacob relax. Mundane duties such as dishes felt normal and after sharing two bottles of a nice full-bodied Shiraz he was starting to mellow anyway.

  After dinner Jessie shyly brought her guitar into the media room where Charles was scanning the Vancouver Sun and Deirdre was trying to focus on an iPad novel. Both were distracted, as they were covertly observing the interactions between Jacob and Jessie. The young man’s presence in their home was astounding – Jessie seemed a different person. As much as the inner struggle letting Annie Hayden go and becoming Jessie again was tormenting her, she hadn’t relapsed since Jacob’s arrival. The lavender hair was still predominant but now she had the appearance of a child on Christmas Day – bright-eyed and buoyant. The ever-present fear of Deuce McCall’s shadow seemed also pushed aside, at least for today, despite the reminder via Ulysses’ presence at the home’s entry.

  Now, in the media room, both Charles and Dee were even more captivated. After a smoke break on the back deck with her American / Scots boyfriend, Jessie trotted upstairs and retrieved her dad’s Gibson. She stood before Charles and Dee now, Jacob hovering nervously a few feet behind, guitar also in hand.

  “Jacob and I are going to play some tunes for a bit. We can go to the studio or if you like we can play in here. Thought you might like to hear some of the new music we wrote together in Scotland.”

  Touched that Jessie felt the need to ask, Deirdre laid the iPad on the end table. She moved her reading glasses from atop her aristocratic nose to a lopsided position on her bobbed blonde hair. “I would love that, Jessie,” she said. “This novel isn’t working for me tonight anyway. It’s taking me too long to get into.”

  “Maybe you should read something a little more absorbing than a love story set in 1895,” Charles responded playfully. “I mean, what can they do in 1895 that’s romantic besides sit in some old aunt’s front room with a chaperone and make googly eyes? Doesn’t sound enticing to me.”

  “Oh you would be surprised what they did for fun in 1895,” responded Dee slyly with a wink at Jessie. “Come to bed later and I will show you, dear.”

  “Let me guess, the woman showed the guy her elbow.”

  Jessie groaned. “TMI, guys! Too much information.” She rolled her eyes at Jacob, who grinned back.

  Dee snuggled in next to Charles on the smaller couch across the room so Jessie and Jacob could sit and play together. The mood in the room was light, although Jacob was a little anxious playing for this power couple. These days Jessie thought of the Keatings as her adopted parents as opposed to the people who built her career, but she was a bit antsy too. Introducing Jacob’s music was her way of introducing him.

  She and Jacob settled onto the couch and tuned their guitars. When they finally picked out the first few notes of a song, Deirdre noticed their eyes rarely left each other’s faces. It was as if they were so in tune with each other musically, so soulfully intertwined, they felt a need to enhance the songs by diving deep into the other’s spirit where they could sit tangled and knotted up, producing the music of one heart instead of two.

  Dee adored Jessie’s capacity to share her own sentiment and emotions through music. She never dreamed the girl’s mystical enchantment could go one step deeper by adding Jacob Ryan to her side. It was exquisite, listening to the powerful compositions of these two passionate artists. The music left room to breathe withou
t feeling too perfect, the poetic lyrics sitting comfortably against the music. Jessie and Jacob’s voices melded seamlessly as if they had been playing together for years.

  Perhaps they have, thought Dee, if one believes in reincarnation, that is. Certainly the music the two shared well into the night, punctuated with laughter and the occasional electric affecting gaze, was timeless and sophisticated.

  Charles took Dee’s hand as they listened, and she knew he was feeling the power too. Would they act on it from a professional point of view? Probably. Maybe Jessie was meant to meet Jacob in that diminutive quaint old pub in Edinburgh. But for now it was enough to feel a fullness in their hearts neither Charles nor his wife had felt since things started to go awry in Jessie’s life almost two years ago - before that, even, since it was only now the couple truly understood Jessie’s trials. Now there was a meeting of the minds, a nascent trust. And today, with Jacob’s presence in their home, there was a completeness.

  Jessie felt the same. The only thing missing, in her mind, despite her attempts to keep the thought at bay, was Josh. He would love this music, she couldn’t help from thinking. He would like Jacob.

  But for now there was Jacob, and it wasn’t fair to him for her to be thinking about Josh. And so Jessie pushed her vision of Josh aside which, to be honest these days, was often the angry hurt guy who burst into the Keating home on Jessie’s first night back only to be subjected to a dark tale of unparalleled horror.

  Jacob endured his own transition that night as he and Jessie played guitar and took turns singing harmonies. He felt a peacefulness overtake him that he, like Dee, hadn’t really felt in years. Although he had heard Jessie sing before, very softly and never in public, as Annie, those times were rare. She had been so protective of her true identity that Jessie had mostly avoided singing altogether. Tonight she let go, and so he, too, felt the magic transcend his spirit to someplace ethereal and bewitching.

  Rarely did Jacob speak of his family or home to Jessie or to anyone. Like her, he was an invisible soul who wasn’t certain where he belonged, and who tried hard not to belong anywhere. Until tonight – the presence of the formidable Keatings became less threatening as the evening wore on. The home was cozy, and Charles and Dee did not bicker or fight. Instead, a comfortable rapport and simple, refined love for each other was evident in everything they did, every movement, gesture and verbal jest. No wonder Jessie was, for the most part, happy here.

  Long after Charles and Dee kissed Jessie’s forehead goodnight, with extra long hugs just to soak up her radiance a little longer, Jessie and Jacob continued to cement their relationship through music. Then they quietly put the guitars to bed in the cushioned cases, threw light hoodies over their T-shirts, and went outside to rest quietly on the deck swing to smoke a little weed. Jessie was honestly trying to cut back out of respect for Charles and Dee, and also for her body. But tonight was Jacob’s first day in Canada with her. Besides, she needed to unwind after the evening of surreal music that, as with any creative output, was poignant but exhausting.

  They sat under the twinkling stars, peaceful and at ease, smoke trails wistfully recalling the friends left behind in Edinburgh.

  “How long can you stay?” Jessie finally had the courage to ask as she leaned comfortably under Jacob’s protective arm.

  Jacob used his foot to propel them gently back and forth on the swing.

  “I’m not sure,” he said thoughtfully. “JP is cool with the break. I think he gets tired of playing as often as we do. I don’t really think music is his dream. He just wants to play for fun.”

  “Well Jacob, judging from the look on Charles’ face tonight, I think your dream is well in hand.”

  He was quiet. “Jessie, I…”

  She twisted around and touched a finger to his lips. “It’s okay, Jacob. I should have said something to you before, but I wasn’t ready. I’m sorry for lying to you.”

  “No, it’s not that,” he interjected. “It’s more that…playing music with you, writing songs with you…it’s something else. I never thought I would ever experience so many moments of honest to God pleasure with anyone else the way I do with you. And I’m not just talking about sex,” he added, grinning as she squirmed beside him in anticipation of what she knew would happen in her bedroom shortly. “It’s surreal, Jess,” he said. “Bloody feckin’ surreal, what we manage to create together, you and me. I don’t care if I never play for anyone else, as long as I always get to feel the way I feel when I’m making music with you.”

  “Same,” she said shyly after finishing the smoke and handing it back to him to extinguish.

  “Yeah?” he asked.

  “Ditto,” she said, ending the conversation and starting their lovemaking with a very satisfying long kiss.

  In the bedroom, after brushing her teeth, Jessie climbed onto the bed and knelt with her knees on either side of Jacob who, exhausted after his long day, was laying face down on the bed. He had removed his shirt but was still wearing jeans, and his two strong arms were looped cozily around a soft goose down pillow. He closed his eyes with a contented sigh.

  After running a finger lightly over the great cross emblazoned across his back, Jessie cocked her head.

  “Jacob,” she asked, with a mixture of curiosity and respect, “why did you get this cross tattoo?”

  He opened one eye, sleepily, and peeked up at her from his prone position. It took him a moment to find the right words. “Everyone has a cross to bear, don’t they Jess?”

  She hesitated, pondering that. Then Jessie tugged her top off over her head and undid her bra. She laid down on top of Jacob, prompting him to groan in jest, and then she spread out both arms so she, too, resembled a cross. They stayed that way for a few minutes and although he recognized what she was telling him, Jacob simply relished the exquisite pleasure of her skin on his, and he ached to feel deeply physically intertwined with her.

  He rolled over and buried himself in Jessie’s neck. He entwined one resilient arm around her waist and placed the other steady hand behind her head.

  “God I’ve missed you, Jessie,” he whispered, and he meant it from the bottom of his aching soul. He was an empty vessel before she slipped into his life with bright red clown hair and a gift for music that touched him profoundly.

  She did not respond. But despite her constant longing for Josh, she was glad for Jacob this night, and so Jessie raised herself up on her elbows and placed her hands on either side of Jacob’s cheeks, pushed his scraggly curls out of the way, and kissed his eyes, his cheeks, his lips. He loved the softness of her skin against his and he wasn’t shy about wanting more, so Jacob undid her jeans and slid a hand inside, eliciting a low moan from the girl he thought was his, and then he pushed the jeans down as she did the same for him. When he slipped a finger inside her she squirmed with pleasure, rocking gently on top of him as he raised his hips and pushed against her.

  “Hurry, Jacob,” Jessie whispered as his finger continued to tease. She grabbed his wrist to stop him when he made a move to take his hand away and change positions, but his eyes lit up with her need of him and soon he was able to fill her more completely.

  “God Jacob,” she breathed into his neck as they moved together, everlastingly grateful that pushing her troubled past aside seemed easy for him, that he could love her without pausing to reflect on how Deuce McCall so roughly used her.

  When the sweetness of being one again was almost too much, Jacob rolled Jessie over so he could push a little harder; they came together with his mouth bearing down hard on hers, his tongue probing as he cried out. Immediately they had to stifle their laughter because although the Keating home was large, Jacob and Jessie were not quiet that night.

  But then again neither were Charles and Dee, who were also enjoying the respite the universe was giving them. Jessie was with them again, and she seemed happy with Jacob’s presence in the home. And what a blessing it was that tonight wondrous music had once again overflowed from her enchanting, lonel
y spirit.

  The next day, Jessie got up the nerve to visit her downtown condo for the first time since her return, and she and Jacob set up residence there. After hearing Jessie was at long last home, Maggie, Carter and Sue-Lyn all conspired to thrust themselves upon her whether she wanted them there or not (she did) and so, once again, the only person missing, leaving a hole felt to Jessie’s core, was Josh.

  ***

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  The next time she saw him Michelle was in tow. Michelle, the dark-haired apple-cheeked dimpled publicist who Josh accepted into his life at a time when Jessie’s memory was pushed aside, at a time when he allowed himself to believe she was not coming back, at least not imminently.

  He arrived at the Keating house in celebration of both Charles’ birthday as well as his own. It was April fifth, and Deirdre had made the decision to hold a double birthday celebration. She did this partly because she and Josh long ago reconciled their differences, and partly because she thought since Jacob was around to occupy Jessie this would be a good time to start mending fences.

  Enough time had passed for Deirdre to feel comfortable aligning her friends and family in the same space. She needed to be in control. She wanted the people she loved underneath one roof – or sky, in this case, since the party was being held mostly in her spacious backyard. Her list of loved ones included Josh, someone she would now always feel the need to protect, partially to soothe the past hurts she caused him, and in part to prove something to Jessie, she supposed. To let the girl know that she, Deirdre Keating, understood that heinous circumstances were responsible for tearing Jessie from the man she loved; that she, Dee, had made grievous errors in judgment that put real as well as hypothetical distance between herself and Jessie; and that she had a driving passionate need to mend fences. A keen entertainer and manager to begin with, she was getting her mojo back. Dee was once again plotting and planning, and manipulating the relationships of the people in her world, this time in search of peace and harmony. It was time to push Jessie’s healing just a little bit further.