No Greater Love

by Susan Rodgers

  Afterwards, adrenaline coursing through their bodies, Jessie and Jacob removed their guitars and moseyed, heads down and cheeks pink, back to the Drifters table. Just before they settled in on the high chairs Jessie caught Josh’s gaze and her smile faded.

  Suddenly it was his turn to see what she saw in her new man – the same thing Deirdre and Charles spotted the night they first witnessed Jessie share her talent with Jacob – a synchronicity borne of a unique and special gift for songwriting, composition and performance. Josh was blown away, surprised and moved. He didn’t think anyone could see through to Jessie’s core the way he imagined he could.

  But here it was plainly obvious Jacob could.

  Michelle was smug until she noticed the clouded expression that passed over Jessie’s face when she saw the shock on Josh’s. And Jacob’s laughter faded too when he noticed the silent exchange between the old lovers.

  But then drinks were brought to the table, ginger ale for Josh and beers for the others (except for loyal Michelle).

  Later, Josh and Jessie were awarded another sacred moment in time, aptly caught on memory cards in Hank’s cameras for Deuce to see. The others were either dancing or at the loo and silently, slowly, painfully, Josh gave in. He couldn’t stand it, although later he was angry at himself for caving. He didn’t meet Jessie’s eyes until afterwards, but his left hand stole across the table and covered hers. She was watching him, not his hand, and closed her eyes when she suddenly felt his skin on hers. When she looked down, her fingers were already locking themselves in and around his, and she felt a jolt of the old power shoot through her veins at his touch. Then his eyes were fixed on hers, and it was clear to anyone who could see Josh and Jessie that they were still dangerous to one another, that not even the threat of Deuce McCall nor new partners nor their own desperate attempts to retreat could ever stop them from loving one another. Perhaps not even death had the power to put an end to their intimate and enduring connection.

  They were all tangled up again, as Jessie and Jacob had been entwined in and around each other in melody and lyric. This was Josh’s way of saying to Jessie don’t forget about me, I am in and around you too.

  And that was it, once again it was just a touch, a glimpse, a moment, but it was enough. It was enough for them to ascertain their love for each other in whatever way they felt permitted to do so at the time, and it was enough for Deuce McCall to see for certain just who would be his pawn this time around. He wasn’t at all surprised to see it was still Josh, although for a time he thought perhaps it should be Jacob, but no - it was clear, in fact it was deadly clear, that this game still belonged to Josh.

  He could hardly wait. As he watched Hank’s video again and again, watched those hands interlock and the fingers speak volumes, and the smoky eyes meet earnestly across the table, he chortled heartily and pressed a whetstone against his new dagger, again and again and again.

  ***

  Around this time Matt had a candid chat with Jessie about weapons training. He set her up at DVC Indoor Shooting Center on Broadway Street in Port Coquitlam. The skilled staff wasn’t surprised to book a celebrity in for training, although they figured Matt’s main intention was more of a general preparation as opposed to any real threat. Jessie was game to supplement what she’d learned from Arnie, and so Matt put her and Jacob on an after hours schedule in order to avoid any unwanted attention.

  He was taking a chance – Charles and Dee were not on board, in fact Dee was not even consulted on the issue. Guns, especially with a recent bout of school shootings, were one of those black and white points of discussion that annoyed Matt. His experience in the RCMP left him with mixed feelings about guns, but Jessie’s breakdown the night she arrived home from Scotland and admitted the truth about Deuce McCall’s sadistic power over her left Matt with no doubts. He wanted Jessie to have a weapon, but he also insisted she practice with it. An untrained woman with a gun at her disposal was not an option.

  The other condition Matt imposed was that the gun remain safely locked and hidden in her condo. She would only retrieve it if necessary. Jessie found that condition difficult to swallow but she warily promised Matt she would follow his rules. In her mind, a locked-up gun wasn’t much security. The gun had not been readily accessible the brutal night after her concert when McCall had beat her so badly. She consoled herself with the thought that if McCall did call – and she fully expected he would – she would be meeting him at a separate locale. And there was no doubt in Jessie’s mind the gun would be travelling with her, although she did not share this intention with Matt.

  Knowing he could lose his job over this was not a deterrent to Matt. He respected the Keatings immensely, loved them even, but he long ago decided his affection for Jessie came first. He felt absolutely responsible for her safety, and would always blame himself for not saving her two years earlier. Her solitary suffering at the hands of McCall tormented Matt. So now there was no question. With or without Charles and Dee on board, he would do what he felt was necessary to protect her.

  Jessie wanted to go with the Guardian pistol again, although she trained on other weapons as well. Both she and Jacob proved to be accurate shooters despite the late night practices. They were the only available time slots given both Jessie’s heavy rehearsal schedule and the availability of the shooting range at a quiet time.

  One undercurrent to the intense training stayed quiet in Jessie’s mind until one day just after Matt collected her from rehearsal. Driving to the Keating Building on Robson to grab Jacob, she couldn’t keep it to herself any longer.

  “Matt,” she inquired thoughtfully. “Can I ask you something?”

  “Anything, m’lady,” her driver responded as, on Granville Street, he carefully navigated around a bearded homeless man pushing a shopping cart brimming with stuffed blue bags. Matt waved a greeting when the street resident mouthed a silent thank you.

  “I’m just thinking about this training at the range. By including Jacob you’ve made it pretty clear he stands a good chance of being Deuce’s target this time around.”

  Matt glanced over at Jessie. He knew where she was going with this. “You’re still worried about Josh.”

  She was silent as she searched for her voice. Jessie drummed a forefinger against her thigh before answering. Then she said quietly, shrugging, as she stared straight ahead, “Yeah.”

  He studied her. “You’re still in love with him.”

  Sigh. “Yup. Always will be, Matt, if you want the truth.” She wondered if Deuce had bugged the Audi. No matter. Deuce likely already knew that anyway.

  “You’re with Jacob, Jessie. McCall knows that. Watching you two sing together – that’ll drive McCall nuts.” At her fearful expression, he added, “Sorry about that, kiddo. But I do want Jacob to be prepared.”

  “So you think Deuce will leave Josh alone?”

  “I don’t know, Jessie. I wish I had all the answers, but I don’t. It’s a guessing game. But based on McCall’s profile it seems logical he will go after the person you are with as bait to get to you. I don’t think he’ll touch Jacob though,” he added carefully. “Same as he didn’t hurt Josh before. He knows that if he does, he’s lost you for good.”

  As he piloted the sedan cautiously down the ramp into the underground parking lot beneath the Keating building, Matt added, “But you’re going to be okay, Jessie. Right? We’re all in this with you this time. You’re not alone.”

  “Thanks, Matt. This sucks, though.” She leaned an elbow on the car window and stared at the yellow door leading to the small elevator foyer, through which Jacob would soon appear. “I hate that it feels like everybody I love is taking such a huge gamble because of me. I’m not worth it, Matt.”

  Her voice was quiet but controlled. With his forefinger, Matt reached out and gently nudged a loose tendril back behind her ear where it belonged. Jessie turned to face him, her eyes pleading. His heart hurt when he saw the fear within, as he realized for the umpteenth time he was only human.


  “I wish I could promise you that everything is going to be okay, Jessie,” he said. “But I can’t. All I can do is get you and Jacob this training, and keep my own staff on the ball as much as possible.”

  “I know, Matt. Thank you. You’re wonderful, you know that, right? Julie is a lucky lady. She rocks too, letting you take all this crap on. She must worry.”

  “She knew what she was getting into when she married me,” he replied, smiling. “But yes, she’s amazing.”

  Just then Jacob appeared at the nearby door. They were parked about twenty feet away. Jessie had one last thing to say to Matt before Jacob climbed into the car.

  “Matt, promise me one thing, okay?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t forget about Josh.”

  He frowned. “Is there something you’re not telling me, Jessie?”

  “No, no, it’s…call it intuition, Matt. Sometimes I still feel pretty tuned in to him. I can’t explain it. But my gut is rolling around a lot these days and Josh seems to be a part of it. Just please…don’t set him aside just because of Jacob.”

  It was a loaded sentence. But Matt understood without question.

  “You got it, girl,” he affirmed.

  Moments later Jacob was in the car, and Jessie turned around to talk to him. They had a lot to share about rehearsals and the work Jacob was doing with Charles, whom he animatedly told Jessie was brilliant.

  He’s really coming out of his shell, Jessie thought as she listened to Jacob rattle on about background vocals and harmonies and the instruments Charles wanted to use on Jacob’s recording. He was so shy when I met him. It was nice to see so much light in Jacob’s eyes these days, and Jessie was genuinely happy for him.

  A week later, Jessie paid an unscheduled visit to Josh. Escorted by Big Dan, she was making the rounds to a few folks she wanted to give premium seats to for the upcoming concert. They had been down the road at Jonathon’s grand beach home, and so Jessie mustered up the courage to deliver some tickets to Josh and Michelle as well. She used the excuse that they were nearby.

  Grateful Michelle’s vehicle was not in the driveway, Jessie picked her way through the gate down the steps to the pool area at the back of the house. She and Josh had always used that entrance to the home.

  Jessie was surprised to come across Josh outside with a long handled basket, diligently removing sopping leaves from the pool.

  He was equally taken aback.

  “Jessie,” he said, startled, pausing in his leaf retrieval, which effectually created a mini waterfall from the basket.

  “Yeah, hey,” she replied, suddenly wishing she hadn’t consumed that last espresso, since it seemed to have increased her anxiety. Inadvertently, she put a hand over her stomach, pausing about fifteen feet away from Josh. Jessie tried not to notice his bare toes peeking out from underneath the ragged hems of an old pair of faded jeans. Atop the jeans was a wrinkled yellow T-shirt featuring a cartoony tiger. She thought it was adorable, and remembered it from her own cherished days with Josh. Kayla had given it to him on the one birthday Jessie celebrated with him as his fiancée.

  One thing Jessie looked for but did not see was the silver J pendant around his neck. Oh well.

  She held up a small rectangular white envelope. “I’m just dropping tickets around for the concert. I needed a break from rehearsing – the dancers are going at it big time, though. Kayla’s doing great.”

  “Oh. Thanks.” He was obviously not expecting the gesture.

  They stood awkwardly watching each other for a bit but Jessie couldn’t bring herself to leave. She thrust her left hand into the back pocket of her jeans.

  Josh moved the basket to the far side of the pool and flipped it over. A pile of wet leaves dropped onto the deck like some dead animal - a soggy lumpy brown pile. He stared at it, thinking.

  Then Josh spoke - slowly at first, evenly - but since this was only the second opportunity to really talk alone since Jessie’s return to Vancouver, his thoughts started spilling out, as sodden and dirty to her as the leaves he was retrieving from the pool.

  Defiantly, Josh raised his chin. “It’s true what they say, you know, Jessie. You can’t go back. As much as I may want to, I know we can’t. And I’m angry because you came back. That’s the truth. I’m sorry about it, but it’s true.”

  He gave her a second to let his words sink in.

  Then he added, “Things were starting to finally settle down, people were starting to forget that I’m supposedly the guy who put Jessie Wheeler in the hospital. Michelle’s a good person. She’s good for me. How am I supposed to forge any kind of future with her with you back? What you and I had was good for a while, really good. And I can’t look at you, be near you, be in the same fucking city with you and not think about that. Not need to touch you when I’m close to you.”

  Uncomfortable, somewhat shocked at this disclosure, Jessie shifted her faded brown boots from side to side, recalling his intertwined fingers at the bar a short time ago. Her skin still sizzled.

  She forced herself to make eye contact with her old fiancé as he continued. Standing there in tight jeans and a virginal lace trimmed white top, she was a punching bag, his to hurt on this day as she so badly hurt him in the past.

  Josh continued, his voice controlled. There were things he needed to say to this woman he would always love, thoughts that had been rolling around in his head for days now - thoughts he practiced saying to her while he showered, while he tried to sleep, as he made pasta for Michelle.

  “We’re where we started, Jessie, only worse, because now there’s all this shit between now and then, shit I don’t see us ever getting past. I don’t have the strength in me to keep fighting this, the way I feel about what you’ve gone and done, about what you’ve been through, about the way I feel about you and always will…I just want to put all this behind me and go live a normal life. I want to get married and have kids, and just be.”

  Jessie blinked, afraid to move, as he continued.

  “Hell, I don’t even care about McCall, I’m sorry for what he’s done to you, but on some level I hope he does show up here because I want to fucking end this thing. I want to wrap my hands around his throat and kill him myself - I’m not afraid of him. I’m not afraid of him, Jessie. I want to end this thing so you can go on your merry way and I’ll go mine.”

  He almost stopped his diatribe when he saw the familiar mask start to work its way over Jessie’s face, her eyes suddenly impenetrable panes of glass and her mouth narrow but curved downwards. Josh knew he was hurting her but the memories of the intense hug by the Keatings’ house, the feel of her fingers wound around his, and that cursed signal to him at his birthday party were all still overwhelming and unbearable.

  The current that constantly ran back and forth between Josh and Jessie was part of some otherworldly energy field neither understood but, even after the passage of time, it was still real. Over the last few years it had stripped and bared their souls. The unknown and misunderstood current defined and united them, and to tear apart such dazzling, blinding beauty in bits and pieces again and again was like ripping the soft pink blossoms off Jessie’s favorite Sakura trees. It sentenced them to quick and certain small deaths over and over, one sordid fatally wounded branch at a time.

  One day soon their tree would be fully emptied of its simple grace and beauty. One day it would die altogether.

  Josh continued, his heart a stone, no longer able to keep up the good fight. With his free hand, he pointed at her.

  “Overall, Jessie, I wish you just stayed in hiding. The whole world may see you as some kind of prophet with your songs about hope and love, but you know what I see? I see a scared little girl who hides behind her music and who can’t face the truth when it hits her in the face, who runs away when things get tough, who can’t ever really let anybody in. And as much as it kills me to love you, and I do, I love you Jessie and I always will, I can’t imagine living my life with that kind of fear hanging ov
er my head, that you might just up and leave again when times get tough.”

  He mustered a last bit of courage, staring straight into her eyes as if by looking away he would lose his nerve. “But you know something else? I also can’t imagine living it with you here where I might run into you and see you with Jacob, because to me that is imminently more painful, the not having you, than the having you and not really ever having you. You know?”

  She did. She knew. She had said that to him once herself. He was throwing it back in her face. Jessie tried to swallow the grit suddenly wedging its way into her throat. The tickets fell to her side, forgotten. She had nothing to say in reply.

  Josh watched her standing there taking it all in, this abuse he was heaping on her. He knew her well enough to see she was fully calling into play that same old guard, her protection against this kind of deprecating talk from a man who told her he loved her but who seemed to need to assuage his own pain by throwing his own version of daggers at her.

  He had one more to drive into her chest. He said it quietly, but its final blow was the worst for her to bear. “Stay the fuck away from me, Jessie, please. And from Michelle. And take your golden boy Jacob with you.”

  At that moment of complete and utter truth all Jessie could think was that everybody was angry at her, whether they had the nerve to say it or not. She could feel her insides pulling down the pain from the outside, choking her belly and hurting her throat. She was melting from the outside in.

  Josh wasn’t stupid. He knew the hurts he was inflicting on Jessie, but that morning he had endured yet another nasty fight with Michelle - over the concert, in fact. They argued over whether or not to attend. Michelle was astounded that he would even want to be there. Michelle had no way of knowing that he needed to be there, or at least told himself he needed to go. Josh could not imagine Jessie on stage without him nearby. The worst part was he was well aware of how such knowledge would wound Michelle. But it was almost like how Jessie felt about music – sometimes he could hear her calling him, the way music called her. He was powerless when Jessie silently seemed to be beckoning him, and it pissed him off. Josh needed to regain control.