No Greater Love

by Susan Rodgers

  Stephen leaned against the back of the elevator on one side of Jessie, Matt on the other. She didn’t know how much they saw, but she knew they saw something, and it was certain they heard. She was humiliated, embarrassed, angry, and done in. At least before, when she went through this alone, she hadn’t had to face them knowing her humiliation would be reflected in their eyes. Steve tried to put an arm around her but she pushed him away, hard, so he almost fell.

  “Jessie,” he tried, but she interrupted him.

  “Fuck off. You shouldn’t have even been there. Don’t touch me.”

  Jacob still wasn’t home, and for that she was grateful. Mercifully Jessie climbed into a hot shower and scrubbed herself raw, leaning against the tiled wall for the longest time, soaking up the privacy and the heat. Although faithful to Sophie to a fault these days, Stephen ached to go in there with her – not in any sexual way, but just because he wanted to comfort her. He was angry with everyone now – Jacob for not being here to hold her (although whether she would let him was questionable), and Josh for not somehow finding the guts to let Michelle go and be with Jessie where Steve thought he belonged.

  Pacing the hallway, with Matt in the foyer talking to Big Dan, Steve’s temper finally settled when he saw Jessie emerge from the washroom. He ran a hand through his blonde hair that was none the worse for wear – he had been doing that all night.

  “I’ve been trying to reach Jacob,” he said, limply holding out his cell phone.

  “Don’t bother.” Jessie rubbed a towel through her hair and then leaned against the hallway wall. “He texted me. He’s planning to crash with Katrine and JP tonight at their hotel. Having quite the party, it sounds like.”

  “Jessie, I’m…”

  She closed her eyes and quickly raised a hand, a soldier doing her duty. “No,” she said. “I do not want to go there with you. Go home, Steve.”

  He shook his head slowly from side to side. “I’m not leaving you here alone, Jessie.”

  In a way she was grateful, but she knew in her heart it would not be a good idea for Steve to stay with her. She cared enough about Sophie now to know she did not want to hurt again the petite blonde friend who now trusted Jessie around her man. But at the same time…she ached just to be held by someone who made her feel safe. Someone who was close to Josh…

  Jessie put a flat palm to her forehead and pushed hard. “Oh God,” she whispered. “I’m so fucked up, Steve.”

  He hesitated for a moment and then, as the elevator door opened and Charles joined the conference in the foyer, Jessie finally let Steve hold her.

  He wrapped her tightly in his goat’s milk scent and spoke softly of Sophie. “I’ve already called her,” he said. “She and I, well there are no secrets between us now, Jess. Full disclosure, that’s our motto. I hope you don’t mind, but I told her you had a run-in with McCall and that Matt is here too. I told her I was staying until Jacob got back, but if he was drunk I would stay for the night. She understands.”

  “She’s amazing, Steve,” Jessie murmured against his neck. “Promise me you will marry that girl. I need…I need to believe in love again.”

  “I plan to,” he said. “Mark my words.” Then he held her aloft and studied her piqued face. “Now, shall I order a pizza or something?”

  She smiled half-heartedly. Men always seemed to think food was the solution to every crisis.

  “Chocolate would be better,” she said. “I see I have a lot to teach you about women before you tie the knot.”

  The night wasn’t as long or lonely as Jessie thought it would be, based on how low she felt when she left McCall’s rental car. Steve did climb onto the bed with her, but he held her as any good and true friend would, and she took his arm and wrapped it around her body and held it tight as she cried. When sleep finally, mercifully, stole her away she dreamed of Sandy and Rachel and the old days on the beach, and when she woke as the early pink rays of the sun warmed her bedroom, Jessie thanked the dream weavers and wondered whether the thing called Astral travel was real. She hoped it was, indeed, and then as she brushed her teeth later she found herself wishing for an Astral travel date with Josh, for if that was as close as she could get to him, then so be it. Because her dream about Sandy and Rachel was so real she could see and hear them laughing in the sun, and she remembered the tender feel of Sandy’s skin against hers when they kissed. They were so happy that Jessie longed to be with them, dancing and cavorting on a sun-kissed beach.

  She made a mental note – there was one surefire way to escape Deuce McCall. She would poke that thought away somewhere safe, where nobody could touch it. For she had almost exhausted all of her other options. And when she finally did see life was offering her no more choices, well then – she would make the ultimate choice. And then the pain would be gone – all of the pain – always and forever.

  ***

  Chapter Twenty-Nine

  In the morning Steve finally reached Jacob via text and told him in no uncertain terms to get the hell home. Steve left Jessie to have her morning shower before going home to jump in his own shower and to change into clean clothes, but he made her promise to join him and Sophie for brunch. Matt was notified, and Steve had to hold the cell phone away from his ear in order to protect his hearing from the curse words Matt fired at him.

  “Why the hell don’t you just eat brunch at home for once?” was the final remark. Matt was upset enough over the insidious events of the night before, although in all truth he did not really expect a different outcome. He and Jessie had made a pact – one night with Deuce and that was it, just to get the map of where Sandy was buried, because Jessie thought rightly that her nemesis would never disclose that information once he was behind bars.

  “Look Matt, she doesn’t need to sit here and wallow. She needs to get out with friends. We’ll do brunch and then bring her right back home. Deal?”

  They agreed, and since Dan had an eyeball on Deuce’s whereabouts at the time – he could see him moving around in the apartment east of Vancouver, in Burnaby – there seemed to be no real reason why Jessie couldn’t try to enjoy some time out.

  Jessie was about to give up on dragging Jacob along when he made a disheveled but celebratory appearance. He was still riding the high of his premiere at her concert, and was bouncing off the ceiling.

  “Hey,” he said, stopping short when he saw the distraught look on her face. “Sorry. I got carried away.”

  She raised her eyebrows at him, wondering exactly what that meant.

  He grinned. “Not like that, Jess.” Wrapping his arms around her, Jacob attempted to hug Jessie, but she wasn’t much in the mood for being touched, especially by a guy whose pores were leaking stale booze and various smoky bits and pieces. She pushed him away.

  “Come on,” he protested. “It was just one night. Call Katrine, she’ll tell you I was on my best behavior.”

  He was so happy Jessie hated to burst his bubble. But he deserved to know. What if Jacob was on Deuce’s hit list? And Stephen and Sophie would be at the building soon, tailed capably by Susanne, one of Matt’s new employees, a tall striking blonde woman recruited via Dan from Denmark. So Jessie needed to fill Jacob in now.

  “Jacob,” she started, and at the serious undertone in her voice he paused by the fridge and looked back over his shoulder at her while slugging back a drink of OJ directly out of the box. His luminous eyes had the apprehensive expectant appearance of a small child awaiting punishment.

  Oh boy. This was not an easy thing to tell him. Better just do it straight up. “I got a call, finally. I – I knew I would. I know this guy like the back of my hand.” Jessie held up her phone. “I did text you. And you may have noticed there was some security on you late last night. Just as a precaution,” she added.

  The orange juice left a watery trail on Jacob’s lip. His eyes glued to Jessie, he swiped at it with a flannel shirtsleeve, and then he turned and shoved the orange juice box back into the fridge and closed the door. He leaned his for
ehead against it before turning back to her. She waited with her breath held to see how he would respond, but faithful Jacob didn’t disappoint. The walk to her seemed long, somehow, but then he had her in his arms whispering a succession of soft sorrys.

  By the time Jessie explained her ordeal to Jacob, Stephen texted that he and Sophie were just pulling into the parking lot in Sophie’s Mercedes. So Jessie sent Jacob for a quick shower, promising they would discuss her horrid night in greater detail later.

  It was a sober group that parked a block down from Jethro’s. The line-up was longer than usual since the sunny, warm spring day had the popular restaurant hopping. And lo and behold, out front they spotted people they weren’t necessarily ready to see. Jacob squeezed Jessie’s hand tightly when he heard her sharp intake of breath. Charlie and Jane were lounging against his Porsche waiting for their names to be called to go inside, and with them were Josh and Michelle.

  Surreal, thought Jessie. When had the boys become such good friends? Oh. When I was away, of course. Ruefully she thought it made sense. I go away and somehow the world rights itself. She failed to understand it was her absence that united Josh and Charlie in the first place – she was their link, their failing, and their need. She swallowed and placed her right hand over the left, which was intertwined with Jacob’s fingers, and she stood with her ankles nervously crossed about a foot behind Jacob, as if she were hiding, a child behind its parent, safe.

  Sophie was faithful – truthfully, she was a little short with Stephen for staying over with Jessie but the couple had made a promise to trust each other implicitly, and in her heart she knew she would always fall somewhere just barely above Jessie in the greater scheme of things. Maybe even below, she wasn’t sure some days. But Steve loved Sophie because she was sweet and kind and compassionate, and she understood the hell Jessie endured – and was still enduring. Sophie also easily recognized the angst in Jessie’s eyes when she was anywhere near Josh. So she put her own jealousies aside with regards to her man and Jessie, and she took up a stance close to the girl she now considered a friend, which Jessie recognized and appreciated and, like with most sincere kindnesses propelled her way, felt she did not deserve.

  Apprehensive, still pale and shook up from the covert operation the night before, Stephen opened the conversation. He sauntered up to Charlie, knowing Jessie’s old flame of almost eight years would be pretty pissed when he discovered McCall had made the expected appearance and he, Charlie, was not notified. Not even wanting to ponder what Josh would think, or where his temper would land him when he found out, Steve kept the conversation short and safe - he based it on their growling stomachs.

  “This line up’s too long.”

  “Yep,” Charlie replied. It was a given they would now try to find a place where they could all eat together. “Cassidy’s?”

  Steve looked around at the odd little circle of friends. He raised his eyebrows, questioning. After a chorus of sures, yeahs, and a shrug from Josh, he casually turned and said, “See yis in ten.”

  Behind him, he heard the doors to the Porsche open as well as footsteps heading towards Josh’s pick-up. In front of him he saw three people he dearly cared about – Sophie, Jacob and Jessie – all wearing piqued, pained expressions. He took a breath. “It’s just brunch,” he said, his eyes studying all of them but landing at Jessie. “It’ll be fine.”

  The forlorn group wandered back to Sophie’s car and climbed in for the short drive to the larger restaurant. In their own vehicles, Charlie and Josh pondered the others’ quiet moods and attributed them to the fact that Josh and Jessie had not really been in each other’s close company for any length of time since her return to Vancouver. Regretful, Josh also harbored the secret of telling Jessie, rather unkindly, to leave him and Michelle alone.

  So when they were all finally seated at one long table in the semi-dark family restaurant, Charlie was the one who kept the conversation going. He regaled them all with tales of the new film he would be starting in a few weeks down in L.A. Charlie had been down south for camera and wardrobe testing as well to screen test with a female co-star, and the woman had caused quite an uproar, thanks to a very large ego.

  “It’s going to suck,” he finished, wondering vaguely why his carefree jokes didn’t go over the way they usually did, even with Stephen, who often countered and sparred with him but who today seemed distant and reserved.

  “Jessie,” Charlie added after a surreptitious glance towards the quiet Steve across and down the table from him, “I’m thinking you should ask Dee to put you on this film. We’ll oust mega-girl’s butt. You’re a helluva lot easier to get along with.”

  He was sitting next to Jessie at the table, with Jane on his right and Michelle across from him. Josh was across from Jane. Nobody responded to Charlie, so finally he elbowed Jessie. By then everyone was pretty much finished eating, but Jessie’s rose-colored plate still contained seventy-five per cent of her gourmet strawberry french toast, which she was pushing around and around with her fork.

  “You ignoring me?” he asked her. Then Charlie leaned forward in order to see into Jessie’s downcast eyes. “All right,” he said, sitting back and glaring at Stephen, across from Jessie. “What the hell’s up?” By then Charlie was also aware that security was discreetly watching their table. He had become quite tuned in to Jessie’s entourage over the years, especially the increased bodies surrounding her these days.

  The pointed question immediately focused everyone’s attention. Spying guarded looks darting back and forth on an unseen wire between Steve and Jessie, Charlie felt hackles rise on his arms and legs. His sixth sense was suddenly in overdrive.

  “Something’s happened,” he growled.

  At this, Josh finally let his eyes rest on Jessie, whom he had – mostly because of fears of repercussion from Michelle – been purposely avoiding. Something was amiss, all right. He watched as Jessie set down her fork with a tiny clink and searched Steve’s eyes, as if probing for a cue. Her mouth opened and closed – she had something to say but did not seem to know how to say it. Josh switched his curious glance from her to Jacob. The singer boyfriend was equally upset. He was running one hand through his disheveled pretty boy locks while drumming nervously on the table with the other.

  Charlie was the first to clue in. He shoved back his chair so it scraped angrily across the wooden floor.

  “Jesus,” he said. He slapped the table. Everybody jumped. “You’ve heard from McCall.”

  At this, the friends froze. Josh’s eyes locked on Jessie and stayed there. Jacob stared at his empty plate. Sophie and Jane exchanged anxious looks.

  “When do you have to see him?” Charlie’s voice was a low fuming rumble. He was slightly hunched over, feeling sick as he stared hard at Jessie. He had coerced the plan out of Dan a few days earlier. She wanted to see him once, to beg for a map…he felt sick.

  There was no response. Jessie couldn’t find the words, not with Josh staring death rays at her. Steve, knowing it wasn’t his place to speak but still somewhat angry at not being informed ahead of time by Jessie, Charles or Matt, ended the long pause.

  “Last night,” he stated firmly, to Jessie’s absolute dismay. “She saw him last night, Charlie. Matt was close by.” He didn’t admit his own unplanned presence in the evening’s diabolical events.

  He watched a red bloom flush quickly across Charlie’s cheeks. Forcing himself to look at Josh, Steve was then able to observe his friend absorb this news – first the fact McCall was back around, and then the circumstances of what likely transpired. Josh was gripping the table, his knuckles white, Michelle’s presence utterly forgotten.

  Jane tensely rested a hand on Charlie’s knee, repeating his name quietly in a futile attempt to calm him, but her husband’s jaw was working from side to side, betraying the depths of his fury. They all jumped when he shoved his chair back even further and vaulted to a standing position. Towering over Jessie, and glaring at Stephen with equal wrath, he spoke angrily, a tre
mor in his voice betraying his hurt as well.

  “What do you need from me, Jessie? My soul? What will it take for you to trust me? To include me? Hell, what will it take for you to really trust anybody besides yourself? I’m surprised you even allowed Matt to shadow you. Are you planning to go rogue for the rest of your life?”

  He stared hard at Jessie, who finally gave in and blinked back tears as she fingered the edge of the tablecloth while staring numbly back at her old fiancé. Maybe, she was thinking. Maybe I’ll just stay rogue. It’d be easier than hurting people all the time.

  Charlie glared pointedly at Jacob before throwing his linen napkin on the table and stalking off outside the restaurant where, through the window, the friends soon saw him pacing back and forth venting his fury likely with Matt, or maybe Charles, via cell phone. Jane glanced sadly at Jessie and squeezed her shoulder before gathering her small purse and cell phone from the table. What was supposed to be a quiet relaxing brunch was over, having fallen prey as surely to McCall as had Jessie the night before.

  Jessie peeked resolutely over at Josh and then glanced at Michelle as she gently pushed back her chair and stood. The couple hadn’t moved. Josh felt her eyes on him and so he, too, ultimately threw down his napkin and rose to face her. When their eyes met the old electricity was accented with equal parts sadness. Jessie spoke first, planning to turn on her heel and head to the ladies’ room immediately after saying what she felt she had to, regardless of how he had so definitively told her to go fuck herself last week, which now seemed like eons ago.

  “Watch your back,” was what she whispered to him as Jacob stood beside her wondering why she hadn’t told him the same thing.

  Michelle’s dimpled face shot up. She hissed at Jessie. “What?” Then her chair, too, joined the eerie orchestra of frayed nerves as she glowered at her adversary. “What the hell is that supposed to mean? I thought Josh was off the radar.”