And she was all that mattered to me.
“I apologize, Mr. Lennox. I didn’t mean to upset you.”
Fucking prick.
“Spit. It. Out.” I said, barely contained control splicing my voice.
“Alright, then. I hate to tell you this, Ms. Logan but it seems that you were pregnant when you were admitted.”
Silence; complete and utter silence met his admission and it was only when soothing yet urgent hands grazed my locked jaw that I realized I’d been holding my breath.
“A baby.” Emberly whispered against my cheek, her hands wrapping around my tight shoulders in a way I always had done for her in times she felt the weakest. Except, this time, it was her that gave me strength.
My girl.
Fuck, I loved her.
“A baby.” I wondered aloud, suddenly overcome by joy of the news the doctor had so poorly given us. As if we would have been anything but happy about this shit.
“Fuck, Emberly. I didn’t think I could love you more when I said those vows but right now? I do.” Palming her flat lower stomach over the thin hospital gown she wore, I tucked my face into her neck and shed a few tears for the precious, little baby I hadn’t met yet; but knew I would give my life in order to protect.
Or him…
“I love you, too.” There she went, again, piecing me back together in the way only she could. She was perfect for me, always had been.
“I’m so sorry, Ms. Logan. I hate giving news like this, knowing the pain a miscarriage can be. Me and my wife have…”
“What?” It was my voice but to anyone on the receiving end of it, I was sure it sounded more like a growl. He wasn’t making any sense. This was a miracle.
Our baby…
“M-Miscarriage?”
“Yes, Ms. Logan. The shock of your ordeal caused you to miscarry sometime between your admittance and now. We aren’t sure when to be exact…”
The quiet, yet powerful sobs that broke through the room tore my heart out of my chest as I watched, unbelieving as my strong, beautiful girl broke to pieces in front of me at the news that she’d lost our baby.
Clenching my eyes shut, I willed the blissful moment of a few minutes ago back and this one to disappear. For the love of God, just let me be dreaming.
But when I heard her audible gasp and her hands, closed into tight, little fists, hitting my chest my eyes flew open and just like I’d feared; I realized this moment was all too real.
“No! No, let me go! I don’t want…” I grab onto her thick hips and for once in our coupling, I’m not hard for her instantly. The sadness in her eyes has broken something inside of her and I’m afraid, bone chillingly afraid that no matter how much I love her; I won’t be able to fix it for her.
“Your fault… your fault…” She keeps mumbling her anger to me and I just keep holding on tighter, even as her words penetrate the very soul of me.
She fucking blames me and I know, she has every right to.
I failed her.
Chapter Forty Four
Hudson
Two Weeks Later
IT HAD BEEN two weeks since the wedding. Two long, silent weeks of supposed married bliss. Except they were so far from bliss, I wouldn’t know how to describe them without gritting my fucking teeth. I knew without a shadow of a doubt that this was my fault. The pain in my beautiful girls eyes when she looked at me; the sadness that she wore like a well used mask on her face; the indent in her side of the bed from the days on end she spent there, staring blankly at the ceiling of our home as if it held the answers she said she needed.
Shortly after Emberly had woken up in the hospital, we learned why her doctors were so intent on keeping her over night for observation. Hitting my head against the leather steering wheel in front of me, I closed my eyes and remembered the moment that took my Angel’s light. Fuck! Why hadn’t I insisted on an exclusive guest list? Why hadn’t I hired security for the wedding? Why had I gone to that stupid drug raid beforehand?
So many fucking what ifs.
So many unanswered questions.
Looking up at the house in front of me, our house I told myself to be strong. In the two weeks that had passed since our lives changed Emberly had barely looked at me, never mind anything else.
I didn’t know what to do, how to make this better for her. She’d lost so many people in her young life and asking her to forget our unborn baby and move on wasn’t what I wanted to do. Hell, I couldn’t even sleep without dreaming of the life we could have had- would have if it weren’t for the miscarriage.
It wasn’t meant to be. That’s what her doctors told us, in hopes of helping us move on from our loss. But they were dead wrong, I had realized. Emberly was meant to be a mom. She was so beautiful, so kind to everyone she met. She was a nurturing soul, a nurse by day and a loving person at heart; even when she wasn’t required to be.
If our baby had lived, I truly believed that we would have been happy.
Nah, scratch that. We would have been fucking content because we were together. Her, me and any kids we may have gone on to have.
Had we lost that dream in the face of the one we’d lost?
“Fuck,” I muttered, noting the time on the dashboard of my Lincoln. My parents were coming to stay with us for the weekend and I knew it meant a lot to Emberly that we all spend time as a family. My girl never had that growing up and if it was the last thing I did, I would give her the family she had wanted for so long.
I locked my car and bound up the steps of the porch, opening the front door before letting Brat, our little Pug mix out for his morning run. Thankfully, I’d picked a house for us that had a fenced in yard so he had as much space to play as he wanted. Looking down at his jumping, happy face, I couldn’t help but smile.
I kinda loved the little shit. When we’d come home from the hospital, my Emberly was so quiet, so sad that it broke my heart- not knowing how to help her. That’s when Tristan’s brother, Alex asked the guys at the station if anyone was looking to take in a stray pup he’d found. His landlord wouldn’t let him and his wife keep it but he had promised her a good home.
That day, I brought Brat home and ever since then, my girl was happier. Not completely healed from what she’d gone through because I knew that would take more than a puppy and a few weeks time. I think having Brat follow her around gave her a sense of peace, someone to care for that wouldn’t ask her if she was okay; if she was over it yet.
Would we ever truly get over losing our baby?
“Hud, you’re home.” Her soft voice found me in our bedroom and smiling as much as I could, I nodded.
“Yeah, Darlin’. Where are my parents?” Her eyes raked over me and if I didn’t know better, I would have thought she was looking at me instead of through me as she’d had a habit of doing since coming home.
Not that I blamed her…
“They went to get us breakfast. Sit down with me?”
Reaching her hand out for mine, she asked me softly and something in my heart loosened, knowing this was the first time in weeks that she’d voluntarily touched me.
Maybe there was hope for us, after all.
***
A BABY.
HOLDING in yet another pain filled sob, I reached over the nightstand for a tissue in hopes of cleaning myself up enough to look okay when Hudson’s parents come back. They had gone to the coffee shop down the street for coffee and bagels, with promises to bring us both something, as well. Hudson must have told them what happened because the moment June saw me, I didn’t have to say a word. She’d engulfed me in her arms and whispered mournful condolences in my ear. I didn’t know what to say or how to feel, knowing that I was the woman that lost their first grandchild.
God. Everything hurts right now.
Clenching my eyes tightly shut, I reached my hand out on the bed until I found his large, shaking fingers and quickly wrapped my hand under his; needing the connection in order to continue breathing through what I now considered, my l
iving nightmare. It didn’t seem real. God. How could any of this be real?
We had finally found our way through the darkness; my father…
Only to be, once again, brought back underneath it by yet another loss.
When would it be enough? When would the universe give us a break? Why us?
“I love you so fucking much.” The words slipped between the tense air between us and as if the noose had been loosened from around my neck, I crumbled in on myself.
The sadness, the pain of what we had lost it all came rushing to the forefront of my mind and no matter how much I tried to ebb it, to ignore it… it was there. His arms, big and strong and harboring, circled my waist just as the first soul crushing sob climbed up my throat and in those very, same arms; I lost myself.
“I- I’m sorry, Hud. I’m so sorry I lost our baby.” I whispered, in hopes that he could still love me after I’d failed him.
“Christ,” He muttered roughly and curling in on myself, I tucked my knees under my trembling chin knowing we would never be the same.
How could I have been carrying his baby and not realized it? How could I have let my father’s presence strip me from such a beautiful, innocent life? How would he ever forgive me?
The questions bombarded my mind and closing my eyes on a shuddered, struggling breath I prayed for peace that just wouldn’t come.
“Look at me, Darlin’.” His voice was closer, then but stubbornly, I shook my head and burrowed my face deeper into my knees; unwilling to face the anger I was sure would be in his eyes. I’d seen it before, when the doctor told us what had happened.
“Baby, I need those pretty eyes on me. Please don’t deny me.” He pled with me and I gasped, the thought that he had to beg me for anything tearing at another fractured piece of my heart. Opening my eyes, I reached out and grasped his face; letting him see the tears in my eyes and the loss that caused it.
“I’m not mad at you, baby. I’m angry that I could have avoided this, could have protected you but for whatever reason, I didn’t see it coming. I fucking failed you and that sweet little baby we made together.” The tears I had tried to keep from falling did just that as soon as I heard how much pain my strong, beautiful man was in and it didn’t matter what walls I had tried putting up in order to be unfeeling against what we were facing. I couldn’t push him away, anymore.
“I wish…”
“Fuck, me too, sweet girl. Come here.” His voice was rough and deep and filled with the emotions that swarmed in my own and with a sharp tug of my waist, he surrounded me. His hands cupped my jaw lovingly as his mouth swept gently over mine, a whisper of question if it was okay before I whispered his name, allowing him to taste me in the way only he ever had.
“Missed… I missed you.” I whispered, my voice shaking and he dipped his mouth to the slow trickle of my tears and lapped them away with his tongue, healing me with a gentleness that calmed me for the first time In weeks.
“You’re my whole world, Emberly. Never forget that.”
Chapter Forty Five
Emberly
“HONEY?” MY HEAD moved to the doorway where June stood, her soft, kind eyes crinkling with an emotion I had become accustomed to since my miscarriage.
Worry.
Concern.
Pity.
God, I hated that look.
“Can I come in for a minute?” Nodding my head numbly, I tightly folded my hands at my sides in hopes that by doing so, she wouldn’t see how they were shaking. I felt as if I was standing on the tip of the highest hill, awaiting the harsh wind to blow and inevitably push me over the edge. I kept waiting for someone to blame me for causing all of this, for losing the one good thing I’d been given and I almost wish they would, that way I’d be able to stop waiting for it. Hudson had calmed my fears so much but those worries still remained. Was it time that would lessen them?
I’d never felt this... It was more than hurt or pain, fear or self doubt. It was this emptiness inside of my heart, one even Hudson’s forgiveness hadn’t outweighed.
“Oh, Sweetie. You’re so pale. Are you feeling alright?” Yes. I’m fine. The automatic response came to the front of my mind, ready to be uttered yet for some reason, I couldn’t make them slip free. She had been so supportive of us from the very beginning and even now, she was beside me, silently telling me that it would be okay. I didn’t want to pretend I was fine, anymore.
“No,” The word was barely a whisper but she heard me.
“And that’s okay, Emberly. It’s really okay to not be okay right now.”
“I’m sorry, June. I’m so sorry.” The tears I had expected begun to drip from my heavy eyes and closing them, I braced myself for her to blame me, to look at me with contempt instead of concern, anger instead of motherly love.
A love I’d never had before then.
“It wasn’t your fault, honey. Please believe that.” She whispered to me once I’d calmed down, never releasing me from her warm, harboring arms. Moving my head from her shoulder, I looked into her soft, understanding eyes and for the first time since losing my baby, I believed those words.
***
“You in here, Darlin’?” His deep voice caused a rush of excitement to pulse through my chest and turning toward the sound, I smiled.
And it felt good.
“Right here.” He was leaning his large frame against the closed bedroom door, his pale blues trained on me and his arms wrapping that beautiful chest of his, as if I would ever forget to look at it. My smile widened when he raised a thick, dark eyebrow, catching me checking him out so openly.
Almost a month after our wedding, I still wondered how it was possible that he was mine.
My man.
My husband.
My savior.
Before him, I was content to be alone, walking through the motions of my life on my own but never really seeing it for what it was. It was lonely and empty and just a facade for the pain and loss I’d been dealt as a girl.
With Hudson, though? I was happy.
Even over the past days since we found out about our little one, I never truly felt alone. He was right there, always keeping me in one piece; no matter what it cost him. I knew he was hurting too, seeing it right there in his eyes; each and every time I looked at him. Even now, I could see the remembered pain our loss had crippled him with. He was such a strong man, and not in the way many thought. Hudson Lennox was a caretaker, a protector, a leader. He carried those he loved on those big, burly shoulders of his and even when he felt the weakest, he always stayed true to those who counted and believed in him. His parents, his friends and most of all, me.
“You good, baby?” Skimming a kiss over the top of my head, he wrapped an arm around my waist and nestling into his embrace, I nodded against his chest.
“Now, I am.” Looking down at me, something flashed between his eyes an emotion I couldn’t place and before I could try, it was gone.
“Good,” He uttered lowly and my heart twisted at the sound, somehow wrong coming from my big, strong man.
“What’s wrong, Hud?” His hands flexed against my lower back, a tell tale sign that something was weighing heavily on his mind and reaching up to gently skim my fingers over his jaw, strong and tight with iron gripped control I wanted him to tell me.
To confide in me, trusting me with the weight of his burdens as he once did. Treating me like a partner in our life, instead of a damsel in distress; too weakened by the loss of our beautiful little girl to handle even the smallest battle.
Sighing heavily, I implored him, looking deeply in his icy blues hoping that just this once; he’d trust me to be strong enough to handle whatever it was that was hurting him.
“Baby,” I melted against him as his large, callused hands cupped my cheeks with a sense of care that one wouldn’t expect from a man of his size, strength. He was always so delicate with me, so sweet. And I treasured every second of it.
“We made it through this together, Hud. Please tell me you
know that.” I told him, letting my sentence float between us, knowing neither of us could handle the words I’d left unspoken.
“Seeing you so sad has been killing me, Darlin’. I may be a strong man but seeing you like that is something I’ll never fucking get used to.” His head fell to my shoulder and the moment I felt his warm tears fall against my skin, I realized just how much he was hurting, right alongside me. He’d done so in the shadows, quietly, not wanting to burden me with his own pain when I’d lost so much, so soon.
This man, this incredibly strong man- had been protecting me, all along.
“Oh, Hudson.” Digging urgent, needful fingers through the dark hair at the back of his head, I pulled him down to me the need for closeness outweighing the distance the last weeks had placed between us.
“I’m sorry, Darlin’. I’m sorry I didn’t protect you both from this. I’m fucking trying to be what you need, Emberly and it feels like I’m swimming against the tide. I’m failing you and for the life of me, I don’t know how to fix it.”
My heart ached as he bowed his head down low and whispered the last few words of his deeply etched apology and cupping his sharply edged jaw, I prayed my love would overshadow the pain shining in his pale blues.
He deserved me to be strong for him. He was always my safe place, protecting me so effortlessly and in this moment, he needed the same from me.
“No, baby look at me.” Grabbing his face, I pressed my forehead against his, refusing to let him go even when he locks his jaw and sighs deeply.
“I miss her too, Hud. She was ours and it just hurts that we didn’t even get to meet her, hold her, love her...” as my tears fall freely, Hudson suddenly grips my hips in his hands and crushes his chest to mine, giving me the warmth and comfort I’d been craving from him. I didn’t have to say a word, though. Because this man was made for me, knowing my needs before even I had recognized them.
God.
I was so lucky.
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