Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home

by Jen Calonita

Try 2 Keep Dinner 2 2 Hours!!!

  Call Slice when I am on my way.

  November 8

  After a bumpy spring, Kaitlin, her brother, Matty, and the entire Burke clan are cleaning up their act and (finally) taking Hollywood by storm.

  By Adrianna Locket

  Last March, the Burkes looked like they were cashing in a one-way ticket out of Hollywood. After a promising career on the beloved Family Affair, Kaitlin Burke crashed and burned under mounting pressure to find a new job, succumbing to the same fate so many other promising teen stars had before her: She chose to trade her SAG card in for VIP status at Shelter. Sprinkle in a short-term friendship with notorious party girls Ava Hayden and Lauren Cobb and a trip to Cedars-Sinai for panic attacks, and Kaitlin’s star status was in danger of plummeting to earth. Kaitlin’s brother, Matty, who had been gifted bit parts on Family Affair before it went off the air, was left without a paycheck as well—and no one was knocking down his door to give him a new one. Ditto his parents, whose sole source of income is managing and producing the Burke empire. “It was tough,” Matty tells us. “I knew the only reason I got the Family gig was because of my sister, and then my sister’s minor meltdown was keeping me from getting callbacks for even Celebrity Apprentice, which, no offense, I wouldn’t want anyway.”

  Summer bloomed and the Burkes (thankfully) all but disappeared from the Hollywood landscape and the gossip rags (except for a lame little feud with fame-loving Hayden and Cobb, which isn’t even worth rehashing). That’s when the Burkes started making some seriously smart career moves. Kaitlin resurfaced in New York to guest host the season ender of Saturday Night Live with Sky Mackenzie, which the media went gaga for, and to take a role in the decidedly unflashy Broadway play Meeting of the Minds. Her reviews weren’t shabby, and her quiet little summer and SNL stint had Hollywood in a tizzy. They wanted her back. “As much as I love Los Angeles, I think we needed a break from each other,” Kaitlin admits. “Those three months in New York were wonderful for me. I got to be sort of anonymous, learn about live theater, and work on the stage. It was get in, get out, and find my purpose in life again, which I did.” The creator of a pilot called Big Fish, Small Pond took notice. “I always thought Kaitlin was a talented young actress,” says Amy Peterson. “I thought she lost her way a little, but I knew she’d find her way back. Her guest hosting gig on Saturday Night Live slayed me. I had no idea she could do comedy! When I realized that, I didn’t just want Kaitlin and Sky Mackenzie for my pilot. I had to have them.”

  Amy needn’t have worried. Kaitlin and Sky wanted in, and soon all the other pieces fell into place, including a name change for the pilot to Small Fries. (Maybe you’ve heard of it?) A risky marketing ploy—airing the mid-season show in the early fall after an episode of Dancing with the Stars—paid off and was followed by YouTube clips and catchy ads that featured the cast in fast-food chain ensembles with the tagline “Do you want fries with that?” The PR blitz worked and Small Fries debuted in the top ten its first week out of the gate. Critics love the show (including Tome’s own Sam Sherman), saying it’s: “Friends for the younger set, told with a fresh, funny voice and lots of style and charm.”

  Matty also had a good summer, nabbing the part of Velma’s sort of goofy but totally kick-butt boyfriend in a new live-action Scooby-Doo. Already a bona fide hit on the CW, Matty is reaping the rewards of being patient. “I’m so glad I didn’t jump at the first thing I found,” he says happily from his decked-out dressing room on set. “Scooby is a great show and a wonderful place to work. I couldn’t be happier.” Neither could Matt’s mom, Megan Burke, who has more than enough managerial duties between her two kids to keep her busy. “It’s a lot of work,” she says when she phones in from Matty’s set at 10:00 PM, “but who knows my kids better than me?”

  “I didn’t just want Kaitlin and Sky Mackenzie for my pilot. I had to have them.”

  With two kids on two hit shows, Megan’s job is only going to get tougher and more lucrative. Matty says he is already fielding movie roles to film during his summer hiatus, and rumors are flying that Kaitlin is up for the highly anticipated, top secret James Cameron project shooting this spring. “Wow, James Cameron, huh?” Kaitlin says, sounding surprised when we mention it. “I would take a job shining that man’s shoes! You can tell him I said that.”

  We don’t think we’ll have to, Kaitlin. All you have to do is wait for his call, and we’re sure it’s coming along with a million other well-deserved offers too.

  Welcome back, Burkes. We missed you.

  FOUR: Another Sticky Situation

  We’re driving to dinner after watching Liz, Josh, Sky, Trevor, and Austin drive off toward A Slice of Heaven, and I don’t even have to look up from applying my lip gloss to know why Rodney put this song on. It’s Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On,” the theme song from James Cameron’s Titanic. I look up anyway, and I can’t help but smirk. “Rod! It’s bad luck to play that right now!”

  “Oh, shush,” Rod admonishes me. He’s sipping a vanilla shake from Carl’s Jr. and has his other hand on the wheel of the Lincoln as he cruises down Sunset Boulevard toward the Beverly Hills Hotel where I’m meeting my family, Seth, and Laney for dinner at the Polo Lounge. “That rumor is legit!” he says. “You are going to work with the king of the world!”

  “You’re about to become a Na’vi expert,” Nadine adds giddily, referencing the alien species in Cameron’s Avatar. Rodney picked Nadine up on the way to get me so that we could go over some work stuff before my dinner. She’s sitting next to me, scrolling through her BlackBerry. On the seat between us is her binder, aka the bible, which has my call sheets, measurements, and everything else one might need to know about me on the fly. Nadine can’t stop herself from going on. “Everyone is dying to know what his post-Avatar series movie is going to be!”

  Ever since Laney got an early copy of the new TV Tome cover story that mentions the Cameron rumors, everyone I know can’t stop thinking about the possibility of me being in his next film. I’m trying not to let those thoughts out too often, though, ’cause I’m worried I’ll press my luck. James Cameron is on fire. He’s known for creating well-drawn female characters and could get press for reading a phone book. Could I really be lucky enough to get called in to read for something he’s doing?

  Nadine goes for overkill. “This could lead to an Oscar nomination!”

  I cover my ears. “Stop! Stop! Don’t get me excited! That rumor might be nothing more than a rumor.”

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER FOUR: Sometimes rumors really are just rumors. I know I usually say that where there is smoke there is fire, and that’s true a lot. Sometimes the tabloids get a story right months before it breaks. Even celebrities with ironclad confidentiality agreements find that their nannies or housekeepers or ex-​boyfriends can find loopholes allowing them to spill the details of their private lives. But sometimes a rumor is nothing more than an overeager agent, publicist, spin doctor, or studio higher-up talking about what they want to happen rather than what is really happening in Tinseltown. Maybe James Cameron never even called about me. Seth just wants him to and, by putting the rumor out there, he’s hoping the phone will ring.

  Nadine gives me a look. One I know well from years of working with her. It means “don’t pretend to be humble when you know the real deal.” Her shoulder-length red hair was just trimmed, and it’s layered and trendy. She’s wearing something equally hip: a black sweater dress and black knee-high boots. Nadine says she has a hot date tonight, but she’s keeping mum on the details so she doesn’t jinx it. “You’re going to get offered that Cameron gig, and you know it!” Nadine says, and then her face softens. “I hope you take it. Wherever it’s shooting. You’ve waited your whole life for an offer like this, Kates. You deserve it.”

  “Thanks.” I squeeze her hand. “But Seth hasn’t called to say there even is an offer.”

  “I know it’s real,” Nadine says knowledgeably and turns sideways in her seat to talk to me, makin
g the leather squeak. “And it’s not the only offer you’re going to get tonight, which is what I wanted to talk to you about.”

  “How do you know?” I ask. I cross and uncross my legs again, praying I don’t crease my black Tahari trousers. Nadine brought me a change of clothes to wear to the Polo Lounge. What I had on for the Turkey Tasters event was not business dinner–ready. I’ve paired my new pants with an Aryn K plum sateen blouse and gray, snakeskin, peep-toe Prada heels. I spend way too much time changing in the back of this car. “Did Laney tell you? You guys seem so tight lately.”

  “You give us a lot to talk about,” Nadine reminds me. “I’ve finally learned Laney isn’t that tough to talk to if you know how. Sometimes she has great advice.”

  “On what?” I ask. My diamond chandelier earrings hit the light, and I can see the reflection dancing on Nadine’s face, practically blinding her.

  Nadine squints. “Nothing worth discussing now when we have bigger things going on.” She looks at me intently. “You’re going to get offers that are equally big and just as enticing as the Cameron one tonight, but do not try to take on more than the one. Don’t overdo it this hiatus, Kates. One major movie is enough. Your hiatus may seem long, but it’s shorter than you think, and I don’t want you getting burned out before your second season. That one will be even tougher than the first. You’ve heard of the sophomore slump, right?” I nod. “We can’t let that happen with Small Fries. You need to be on your game, and I think one big film and some downtime is the way to go. Plus, if you choose to take any college classes this fall…” She pushes a gold folder I haven’t noticed out of the binder and over to my side of the seat. I look down and see the crest is embossed with the lettering UNIVERSITY OF SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA.

  “The application isn’t due till January eleventh, so you have time to fill it out,” Nadine says before I can say anything. “With your SAT scores and your life experiences, you’re a shoo-in if you write a good essay. I know you can nail this year’s question: ‘Have you changed your life, or has your life changed you?’”

  “Deep,” Rodney chimes in from the driver’s seat. “I’m going to have to think about that one.”

  I finger the raised lettering on the folder. “We’ve talked about this, Nadine,” I say softly. “With a new show, my schedule is haywire. I’ll never have time to take one class, let alone two. There’s no way I can pull it off. College will have to wait a year.”

  “And then next year it will be another excuse,” Nadine argues. “I’ve always said I was going to go to Harvard Business School after a few years, but my story is the same as yours. I have every excuse in the book. I’m no closer to moving to Boston than I was four years ago when I moved out here. I don’t even want to move east anymore. I can’t do winters.” She looks out the window for a second and pats a strand of red hair in place. “Business school is just not in the cards.”

  “Don’t say that,” I fret, feeling bad. “Why can’t you go here? Does it have to be Boston?”

  Nadine shakes her head. “I don’t want to go to business school anymore. I have other dreams I want to pursue but the point is if you don’t do it now, you might never do it, Kaitlin. Even if it’s just one class at a time, you should try to get your college degree. If you don’t, you might always regret it.” She taps the folder. “Start with the application. If you decide not to go next fall, then fine, but you can’t go without getting accepted first.” She grins. “You’d love it at USC, by the way. Rod and I went there the other day to pick up the application, and I could picture you reading at one of the outdoor verandas.”

  “They happened to be having SnowFest,” says Rodney, looking at me in the rearview. “They brought in actual snow! In L.A.! Students were everywhere checking out ski and snowboard stuff. I would never believe it if I didn’t see it myself. How cool is that?”

  “That is cool.” I place the folder carefully in my new handbag. It’s November and it seemed only fitting I trade in my snakeskin bag from New York for a new winter bag for not-so-wintery Los Angeles. This one is a warm, buttery yellow leather bag with black stitching. I like it, but I can’t say I’m in love with it. I’m still looking for a bag that screams “me.” “I’ll think about the application.”

  “That’s all I ask,” says Nadine as the car rolls to a stop. I look out and see we’re in front of the valet stand at the Beverly Hills Hotel. I gather up my things and look at Nadine. She’s staring at me as if she’s waiting for an answer. “Have a good meeting and remember what we talked about. You’re having such a blast with SF. Don’t ruin it by overextending yourself. You still need time for you.”

  “I know.” I’ve learned that lesson the hard way. I grab the door handle. “Have a great date—I want all the juicy details.”

  “You’ve got it,” Nadine says. She turns to Rodney. “Cue the music!”

  Celine begins to blare loudly through the speakers again, and I laugh. “I’ll call you after,” I promise as the valet opens the car door. I accept his hand as I step into the warm night air, then I walk along the Beverly Hills Hotel’s red carpet under the green-and-white-striped awning toward the entrance where doormen in black suits with striped cuffs are holding the doors open.

  I’ve just walked into the yellow hotel lobby with its huge chandelier hanging over the cozy seating area of low, fluted velvet chairs and 1950s palm-print carpet when I bump into Dad. He’s wearing a white polo shirt and khaki chinos, which means he either went golfing today or took a job at a chain restaurant.

  “Hi, Kate-Kate!” He hugs me gruffly. “I saw an early cut of your Takamodo Cruise Lines commercial today. You had that engine at full throttle, I could tell.” My dad uses car analogies for everything. Before he joined the family business (Hollywood), he was a car salesman. “Mom will be thrilled. She’s already talking about your next Japanese commercial.”

  “Thanks, Dad. Did you, uh, get to talk to Preston at all?” Dad’s been looking for his next producing project for a while, and he was hoping SF would be it, but the studio had enough people attached. It’s not like Dad has a major track record yet. He’s worked on a few of my projects that Seth negotiated into my contracts, but Dad’s own production business hasn’t, um, well, ever really taken off.

  Dad coughs. “Well, you know, Preston’s a busy man. Very busy.” He looks around and reaches for an antique end table to lean casually. “I only saw him for a second when I stopped by his studio. He said he’d give me a call tomorrow or next week.” His voice trails off. “He’s not sure if he has any producing needs right now.”

  “Oh.” I lower my eyes and stare at my shoes. “I’m sure he’ll call, Dad. Or someone else you’ve pitched ideas to will.”

  Dad runs his hands through his thick, dark hair. “It is too bad Small Fries didn’t need me, but business is business. I can’t work on all your projects.” I nod knowingly.

  “And besides, I’m plenty busy between watching you and needing to be on set with Matty,” Dad reminds himself. “Then there is the house to consider—your mom wants to remodel, the pool needs updating, and I’ve been looking at cars for you.” He smiles, his teeth blinding me. “Your first ride is the one you’ll always remember, Kate-Kate.”

  “We don’t need to decide just yet,” I say nervously. Just thinking about getting my license after all this time makes me freak out.

  “True,” Dad agrees. “It’s a good thing, I guess, because I am not liking what I’m seeing at these Beverly Hills dealerships. These salesmen just don’t know how to sell a car! It’s appalling. I mean, in my day, we cared about the customer first and the sale second. These guys heard the last name Burke and they tried to sell me every car in the place in the first fifteen minutes. Before I even took a test drive!”

  “Terrible,” I agree, looking around for the others. I guess we haven’t been seated in the restaurant yet. “What are you doing out here anyway? Is there a wait for a table?”

  Dad shakes his head. “We’re all inside already. I c
ame out here to check on your mom. She had to take a phone call.” He motions to my right and I see a tall woman with honey blond hair that closely resembles my own sitting on a velvet chair. She’s wearing a black Elie Tahari pantsuit, and a large, turquoise, beaded necklace tangles over her low-cut, cream silk tank top. She taps one cream Gucci heel nervously. Mom doesn’t seem to see me.

  “Was that today?” I hear her say to someone on the phone while she consults one of two very thick notebooks. Papers are sticking out of all ends. “I’m so sorry. I had it down for tomorrow at three.” She laughs. “I don’t know where my head is. I probably left it someplace between studio A and B.”

  “We should really get this dinner going.” Dad nudges me. “Seth has somewhere to be at nine thirty.”

  That means dinner won’t be super long and I can make it to A Slice of Heaven to see the others. “Why don’t you tell everyone I’m here, and I’ll get Mom.”

  “Sounds good,” Dad tells me and heads toward the restaurant. He winks at me. “Try to keep her from talking on the phone too long.”

  “Tuesday?” I hear Mom say, and then she’s rustling through papers. “Well, I can try to move a few things around, I think… um, I have a meeting at eleven, a lunch at twelve thirty, Matty’s fitting at two… wow, this day is packed! Kaitlin’s at four, but maybe if I… no, no, no! It’s not a bother. I want to do this. The Daisies are very important to me.”

  Mom is quiet as she listens to the caller on the other end. She looks stressed. That’s how she looks all the time lately. I wait a few minutes more hoping she’ll wrap up.

  “I can fit it in,” Mom insists. “Nancy, you’re being ridiculous! I missed one meeting. Okay, two. That doesn’t mean… ​if you’d just… don’t worry how. I just will.” Long pause. “I can make this work, sweetie. If you’d just… but… just… think about it. Please? Don’t make this decision yet.” Mom starts flipping through papers again frantically. “Tuesday at eleven forty-five AM Pacific time! Yes. I can talk over my whole proposal then. Yes. Fifteen minutes is all I need, I swear.” Mom’s face breaks into a small smile. “GOOD! Thank you, darling. Talk to you then.” Mom hangs up and I see her rub her temples in a circular motion. It’s something I do myself when I’m worked up. Maybe I should book Mom a massage.