Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home

by Jen Calonita

  “You have to find out,” I beg. I have to get out of this room and find him myself. But how? I’ll never make it past the three of them. But I have to. I have to know Austin is okay. “And then you have to rehire Laney!”

  Dad looks confused. “Who is Laney?”

  “Laney Peters?” I gripe, and Dad still looks at me strangely. “The biggest publicist in Hollywood? The one I’ve had since I was a kid? Dad, stop pretending not to know who she is! Is Mom putting you up to this to try to make me forget Laney?”

  Mom is aghast. “Honey, why would I make Daddy pretend to forget this friend of yours?”

  “She’s not a friend, she’s my publicist!” I say, frustrated, and I lay my head on the uncomfortable pillow.

  “Are you talking about Alexis Holden’s publicity person?” Matty asks and blushes when Dad looks at him funny. “I read a lot of Hollywood Nation, okay? She’s always quoted in there.”

  “Laney took on Alexis as a client?” I flip. “Since when? When I was under anesthesia? Mom, do you see what you’ve done?” I glare at her. “Next you’re going to tell me Sky hired her too!”

  “Sky Mackenzie?” Matty questions, running a hand through his messy hair. “She is such a train wreck. I love it. Did you see this week’s Hollywood Nation? I was reading it in the waiting room. She is in serious need of rehab.”

  “No, she’s not,” I huff. “Sky is completely sober, Matty, and you know it! That’s not nice to say. And you know what else isn’t nice?” I glance at Mom, who is clutching that Coach knockoff for dear life. “Firing my people behind my back. I’m eighteen now, and I get to make my own decisions. I want Seth and Laney back. And Nadine too! Or else I’ll…” I can’t stop staring at Mom. “Or else I’ll…”

  Forget it. I still can’t threaten to fire my own mother.

  “Who is Nadine again?” my dad asks and scratches his head. “Do I know a Nadine?” Mom shrugs.

  Cough.

  I’m staring at my family, but none of them have coughed. Who just coughed? I pull back the curtain and stare at the thirtysomething blond woman in the next bed. Both of her legs are in traction, but her hands are free and she appears to be taking notes on a notepad. She must be preparing to tell Hollywood Nation all about my fight with my family! If it wasn’t so hard to get up, I’d pull that pad right out of her nail-bitten hands. Instead I say calmly: “If you even think of calling the Hollywood Nation tip line and telling them what you just heard, I will slap you with a defamation lawsuit faster than a nurse can bring you Jell-O.”

  “I’m so sorry,” Mom apologizes to the woman and tries to close the curtain again. “She’s had quite a day.”

  But that didn’t happen! You made it out of that fire, and you got the girls out too! You’re a hero, Paige.

  I look at the TV mounted on the wall and cheer up instantly. “Hey, they’re playing a Family Affair rerun!” That’s Spencer talking. He played my dad. He’s standing in what remains of the family’s living room, and he’s giving the famous speech he made when part of the Buchanan mansion burned down (we find out later it was arson).

  “Ooh, honey, I forgot what night it was,” Mom says to Dad as we continue to play Peeping Tom on my roommate. “Did you remember to set the DVR?”

  “Do you guys mind?” the woman complains, holding her bedsheet higher on her chest.

  “Sorry,” Mom apologizes and pulls the curtain out of my hands as I continue to telepathically convey what will happen if she calls the tabloids. “Honey, put on Kaitlin’s TV!”

  Dad flips to the channel and uses the remote on my bed to turn the volume up.

  “God, I loved this scene,” I tell my family, feeling nostalgic and a tad weepy. It must be the anesthesia. My years on FA were crazy, but no more so than life has been lately. I still miss everyone in the cast so much. “Remember? Tom filmed Spencer’s big speech and it was so passionate, he wound up using the first take.”

  “And you know this how?” Matty asks.

  “I was in that scene.” I shrug and look up at the TV screen again. “Don’t you remember? It was eleven o’clock at night when we finished filming. It took all day to shoot this five-minute clip because there are so many of us in this one part. I love Sky’s and my lines. Especially Sky’s. ‘Oh please. Would you two quit it? I have bad thoughts every day of the week and no one bursts into flames.’” I laugh.

  Oh please! Would you two quit it? I have bad thoughts every day of the week and no one bursts into flames.

  Matty is in awe. “How did you know that line?”

  We both look at the screen and see Sky, her raven hair ironed straight, her makeup dark and moody. She’s wearing a red Gucci sweater. I know because I wanted to wear it and she wouldn’t let me. I wore Galliano instead, which isn’t too shabby.

  “I usually remember the lines in a big scene, don’t you?” I ask Matt.

  Mom and Dad look at each other again and then at Matt. His jaw is sort of locked in a big O expression.

  “Go get Dr. Lowe,” Mom whispers to Dad. “Quick.”

  “Shh!” I tell them. “This is my favorite line in the whole episode. Well, my favorite line that I say: ‘What Sara meant to say is, we love who we are and we are who we are because of you, Dad. And you, Mom. Whatever it takes, we’ll get the Buchanans back to where they’re supposed to be. Home isn’t these four walls. Home is wherever we are together.’”

  I smile proudly at Matty, impressed I actually remembered the whole speech. He’s still looking at me with the same dumb expression. I’m so busy looking at him that I miss the beginning of my dialogue.

  …And you, Mom. Whatever it takes, we’ll get the Buchanans back to where they’re supposed to be.

  Hey, that’s not my voice. I’m not deep and raspy like that. Is something wrong with the TV? I look up and…NO.

  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  “WHY IS ALEXIS HOLDEN SAYING MY LINE?” I scream so loudly that my roommate drops her pitcher of ice water all over the floor.

  Alexis is playing my character, Samantha Buchanan. Alexis Holden, the fiery redhead who I thought was so nice until I learned she was out to swipe my job, is wearing my Galliano dress. She’s standing next to my costars. She’s on my show, doing lines that were several seasons ago! She wasn’t on FA till the last season! What is going on?

  I look at Mom and Matty. “Did you guys mess with the TV? Why would you do that to me after the day I’ve had?”

  “We didn’t,” Matty says slowly, staring at me as if I’m dense. “Are you playing a joke on us?”

  “No!” I find myself getting hot and flustered and entirely uncomfortable. The room is starting to spin again, and I have a headache. Dad rushes back in with a tall, thin, dark-haired guy in a white lab coat. I assume this is Dr. Lowe.

  “Kaitlin, are you okay?” Mom asks, sounding out of breath. “Tell Dr. Lowe, honey. Tell him what’s wrong. She’s been saying the most irrational things,” she tells the doctor, who is busy writing on a clipboard.

  “I am not saying irrational things!” I freak out. My heart is pounding so hard I’m sure it’s going to pop out of my chest. “Samantha Buchanan is my character and yet somehow Alexis Holden is playing my part on this television! I know I was in a car accident today, but I know who I am,” I tell him urgently. “I know what happened today. My mom fired my publicist, Laney Peters. My boyfriend, Austin Meyers, is lying somewhere in this hospital, and all I want right now is to go and find him and make sure he’s okay. I have to explain myself. Please,” I beg, sounding hoarse. I stare into Dr. Lowe’s blue eyes. “You’ve got to help me.”

  “Oh my God.” Mom says softly. She leans on my dad for support.

  The rest of the room is quiet except for Matty, who actually chuckles.

  My eyes lock on his. “What is so funny?”’

  “Um, your fantasy world?” Matty quips.

  “Matthew,” Dad warns and nudges him. He, Dr. Lowe, and Mom are staring at me as if I’m a rabid animal prep
ared to attack. “Your sister has hit her head. This is not something to laugh about.”

  “She must have hit it really hard if she thinks she’s a movie star.” Matty rolls his eyes. “She’s dramatic, yes, but famous, no way. And Austin Meyers wouldn’t look sideways at her. Especially not after today.”

  My heart practically stops. “Did he dump me?” I whisper, and my eyes begin to well with tears.

  Matty’s eyes almost pop out of his head and he sputters, “Dump you? Kates, he’s been going out with Lori Peters since freshman year.”

  “No,” I say and shake my head forcefully. “They broke up a long time ago.”

  “Matty, don’t do this to her now,” Dad says, smiling at me tightly.

  “Let him continue,” I hear Dr. Lowe say. I think. It’s hard to tell because a loud swishing sound has started in my ears, and it’s coming on like a freight train. “Let’s see what she does.”

  “And you are not on Family Affair,” Matty says sharply and looks up at the screen, where Alexis and Sky are on to the next scene, laughing merrily in Aunt Krystal’s kitchen.

  “I was!” I cry. Why are they all being so mean to me? Did someone put my meltdown from this morning on YouTube? Maybe they heard me say I wanted to fire Mom.

  “Alexis Holden has played Samantha Buchanan for the past four years. She took over for the original actress, Lilly Amber,” Matty says slowly. “You’re not a star, Kates. You’re Kaitlin Burke, a recent transfer to posh Clark Hall, who hasn’t had a boyfriend in like, forever.”

  I cover my ears to try to block out what he’s saying, but it’s no use. I can hear him, and like a train wreck, as much as I want to forget it, I want to hear more.

  “Your only connection to Austin Meyers is that you swiped him and some of his lacrosse buddies when you hit the accelerator instead of the brake during driver’s ed this morning. The car jumped the curb and crashed into them as they were walking to class. I heard you broke his leg and probably cost him his lacrosse career.” Matty shakes his head. “People are not too happy with you at Clark Hall.”

  I look between Dad’s, Mom’s, and Matty’s stricken faces, and I know Matty is not lying. Dr. Lowe looks at me sadly. Matty is telling some weird, crazy, bizarro version of the truth, but it’s still the truth. Right here. Right now at least.

  That’s when I do the only thing I can think of. I start to scream. The scream is so loud and terrifying that I almost think someone else is doing it. But they’re not. It’s me. And if any of what Matty just said is really reality, they may have to put me in a straitjacket and throw away the key.

  What happens at Teddy’s doesn’t always stay at Teddy’s. When will Hollywood’s most talked-about starlets remember that about the hot nighttime club? Someone should remind Family Affair costars Sky Mackenzie and Alexis Holden (who play popular fraternal twins Sara and Samantha Buchanan) because their off-the-clock hours are causing more of a stir these days than their on-screen dialogue (snooze…).

  Linked arm in arm, the pair arrived at Teddy’s for some late-night snacks and drinks, along with twenty or so members of their entourage. When they were told there was not enough room to accommodate them all and that the place would soon be closing, Alexis threw a fit. “She started yelling, ‘Do you know who I am?’ Management went into a tailspin,” says an eyewitness. “No one wants to tick off the star of the most popular show on television.”

  Sky, who is sporting new bleached blond locks against her orange-hued face, was just as difficult. Told the bar didn’t serve anyone under twenty-one, Sky still insisted on ordering a seltzer and then refused to leave till she was done nursing it. “That was an hour later!” complained one waitress. “She looked terrible too. Under-eye circles, greasy hair, and her Gucci belt was on backward. Alexis kept yelling at Sky, and she took it. I almost felt sorry for her. Until she didn’t leave a tip.”

  While Family Affair is still number one in the ratings, sources behind the scenes worry that the girls’ off-screen antics could affect the popularity of the series. It’s no secret that Melli Ralton (who plays the girls’ mother, Paige) and creator/producer Tom Pullman want out. They tried to jump ship last season when they felt plotlines were growing thin (isn’t that the truth!) but were strong-armed into staying by the network, which became worried when their cash cows, Alexis and Sky, threatened to walk if the others were let out of their contracts. The show’s core audience is still there, but many TV critics have complained that Family Affair jumped the shark a while ago.

  “[She] makes the network a ton of money. As long as she continues to do that, they don’t care who she makes miserable.”

  Not to worry, fans. As long as they’ve got Alexis, FA isn’t going anywhere. “Alexis is a goddess around that studio,” complains one source. “As awful as she is, she does all the press she’s supposed to do, pretends to be a doll in interviews, and makes the network a ton of money. As long as she continues to do that, they don’t care who she makes miserable.” •

  TEN: A New Reality

  “Have you gone in to check on her?” I hear Mom’s muffled voice through the bedroom door.

  “No, I thought you were going to,” Dad whispers back.

  “I’m afraid to.” Mom sounds more hesitant than I’ve ever heard her. “She’s going to start yelling again. All she does is watch that DVD box set she swiped from the living room. Episode after episode of Family Affair! She hasn’t left her bedroom in days… she’s not eating. She didn’t even eat her favorite dinner, lemon chicken!”

  “Maybe we’re asking too much of her too soon,” Dad says. “Dr. Lowe said we need to give her time. She’s got to come out of her room eventually. She knows she has to go back to Clark Hall on Wednesday. Two more days and her engine will be revved to full throttle. I know it.”

  Dad is still making car analogies. At least some things haven’t changed. I hear footsteps and I shimmy further under my covers. I don’t remember liking all this pink. The comforter, the curtains, the worn carpet, the rose wallpaper—it’s like someone took a bottle of Pepto-Bismol and let it explode in here. My furniture is white, just like my real furniture, but this set has been around the block a few times. There’s even some green marker on my bedpost that says my name in a child’s script. I don’t see any Star Wars stuff, though. My Princess Leia clock and blanket are missing.

  Even though I miss Han, Leia, and Luke, I have to admit this room is cozy. So is the house. We live in Toluca Lake, which I’ve always adored, and we’re in a side-hall colonial with a modest living room, dining room, kitchen, and den on the first floor and three bedrooms on the second. The house has yellow siding and a beautifully landscaped backyard with a swimming pool (no rock garden or waterfall cascading in it like our real one, but it’s still nice). You can’t lose anyone in this house. At home I’m constantly running up and down the stairs trying to find everyone, and then when I do, I sort of regret looking for them in the first place. In this house, I don’t leave my room—well, except for some late-night kitchen raids when everyone else is asleep. I know I should make more of an effort. If I don’t start coming around soon, Dr. Lowe is making me go for therapy! As much as that scenario freaks me out, leaving this bed and facing the crazy reality that is waiting for me scares me more.

  “Matt, where do you think you’re going?” I hear Mom demand, sounding more like the mom I know.

  “Kaitlin asked for some more magazines,” Matty tells them. “I was going to buy some on my way home from school, but Rob Murray was hanging outside CVS and I thought he might beat me up because of my last name. I get banged around enough at that school without having to take the heat for Kate’s lead foot too.”

  “No more tabloids,” Mom insists. “Kaitlin’s becoming obsessed with that Alexis Holden girl! All she does is read about her and watch Celebrity Insider. When she isn’t watching Family Affair, that is.”

  “She gets this Hollywood obsession from you, you know. Matty probably took that stack of magazines from your pil
e,” Dad quips.

  “Are you saying this is my fault?” Mom asks tearfully.

  “No. We live next door to Hollywood. It’s not unhealthy to want to learn more about the people living in our own backyard,” Dad tries tactfully. “Kaitlin comes in contact with celebrities much more now that she and Matty have transferred to Clark Hall. That girl Liz Mendes has gotten the girls into all those premieres lately. I’m sure Kaitlin is just confusing those two worlds in her head.”

  “Do you think we were wrong to send the kids to Clark Hall High School this year?” Mom asks worriedly. “The education is top-notch, but even before the accident she didn’t seem like herself. I like Liz, but I think the two of them are getting too caught up in the Hollywood scene. Kaitlin is changing because of it,” Mom continues sadly, “and now she thinks she is a celebrity. She’s lost her mind!” She starts to cry.

  I bury my head under my pillow, hoping to muffle their conversation, but it doesn’t work.

  “Forget celebrities, Mom. Kates has bigger problems. Someone told me that Lori Peters wants Kaitlin to be expelled,” Matty says. “I heard she has a meeting with Principal P. tomorrow to talk about Kaitlin’s unhealthy obsession with her boyfriend. Caden Mitchell overheard Lori say that Kaitlin hit Austin on purpose because she’s mad that she can’t have him.”

  I can’t take it anymore. “I do have him!” I yell from under my blanket. “I’m dating Austin! We’ve been going out for over a year! Why doesn’t anyone remember?” I start to cry too.

  “Honey?” Mom jiggles the door lock. “Open up so we can talk. We want to help you, sweetie.” She turns the handle, but I just stare at it. I’m not opening that door. “I know you’re frustrated, but we’re your parents and our job is to help you. Let us do that, Kaitlin. Talk to us or talk to a therapist. It won’t be bad, sweetie, I promise. We have to get to the bottom of this other, um, life you keep talking about.”

  “I don’t want to talk,” I gulp through my tears. “I just want to be left alone.”