Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home

by Jen Calonita

  Sky is here too! “K. You’re on Small Fries with me,” Sky says very slowly, as if I can’t understand English. “You’re not as good an actor as me, but I carry both our weight.”

  “I’m an actress! YES!” I want to yell, but it hurts my throat.

  It was a dream. My life without my Hollywood career was nothing more than a figment of my imagination.

  That was some dream. And yet… I feel different somehow. More grateful, definitely, but maybe a bit wiser too.

  “Do they have her on Vicodin?” Laney asks. “I get wacky when they give me that.”

  “Nah, Vicodin would make her more hyper,” Sky says. “I had that when I got my deviated septum fixed.”

  “Aka her nose job,” Liz translates.

  “Sky? Are you okay?” I ask, reaching for her hand. “You haven’t been drinking, have you? Or hanging out with Alexis?”

  “No and no!” Sky pulls her hand away.

  “Promise me, Sky,” I insist, even though my voice is barely a whisper. “I love you too much to see you destroy yourself. ”

  “What is she talking about?” Sky asks the room. “I think that concussion gave K memory loss.”

  “Sweetie, we’re going to get the doctor,” Mom says soothingly, which is all the more confusing because now she sounds like alter-Mom. Ouch. My head hurts. “It’s going to be okay.” She chokes up as she sits down next to Austin and strokes my hair too. “We were so worried about you. When we got the call that you’d been hurt right after we’d had that huge fight, I… I…” She starts to sob.

  “Honey, it’s okay,” Dad says. “She’s okay. Kate-Kate, do you remember what happened?”

  “Not really,” I admit. “The whole thing feels sort of foggy. I remember the paparazzi chasing us, and that driver egging them on, but the whole thing started because I told them off. This is my fault.” I lean my head back on my pillow abashedly.

  “No it’s not, Kates,” Rodney tells me, and I see he has a few bandages on his arm. “I should have been there to stop him. I shouldn’t have let you give me the morning off. On your birthday, no less. I should have known something would go wrong. That’s why I came back. When I saw those piranha shutterhounds, I tailed them.”

  “Rod was the first one to get to our car after it crashed,” Austin tells me. “He pulled you out.”

  I look at Rod. “You’re always there when I need you.” Aww… he looks misty. I’ll leave it there. Rodney hates to tear up in public. He saves his crying sessions for Brothers and Sisters (shh!). “I’m fine, thanks to you.” I grab for Austin’s hand. “I’m just happy I’m here. That we’re all here and everyone is okay.” I smile at Austin and look down at his hand holding mine.

  Austin has a cast on his right wrist.

  “It’s just a sprain.” Austin holds up his right wrist and I get a better look—a cloudy look—and see the bandages. Everything is sort of blurry. “The doctor says I’ll have it off in two weeks. Plenty of time to recover for the spring season.”

  So he didn’t break his leg like the alter-Austin in my dream did. I’m still upset he got hurt, but thankfully I didn’t ruin his chances at a lacrosse scholarship. I feel so relieved.

  “You’re the one we’ve been worried about,” Austin adds. “You had to have surgery, and everything went south from there.”

  “What happened?” I ask nervously.

  “You broke your ankle and had to go under anesthesia to get it fixed,” Nadine explains. “They had trouble waking you up. They were worried you had a concussion that was undetected, and they said something happened with your oxygen level.”

  “I think it’s called desaturation,” Liz explains, fiddling with the ends of a violet scarf wrapped around her dark, curly hair. “The doctor said to talk to you, so we’ve been telling you stories.”

  “They’ve—we’ve—been watching you and waiting for the last few hours,” Austin says.

  “Did you mention the new Marc Jacobs boots?” I ask breathlessly.

  Liz’s mouth, lined in purple gloss, drops open. “You heard me, didn’t you? I knew shopping was the key to waking you up!”

  “You’ll have to use crutches for a few weeks,” Mom informs me, “but you’re going to be fine. We called the studio to let them know what happened, and they’re going to shut down production for a week or two till you feel better.”

  “So hurry up,” Sky jokes.

  “It’s just so nice to be home,” I say, closing my eyes again. Must sleep.

  “What do you mean home?” Dad chuckles. “I’d hardly call this posh surroundings.”

  “Wherever you guys are is enough for me,” I whisper and then I hear footsteps.

  “There are way too many people in this room,” a nurse complains. “Some of you are going to have to leave.”

  “Sorry, Nurse Gail,” Seth says.

  Gail? That’s funny. That was the hypnotist’s name in my dream.

  “Kates, we’re going to go,” Seth tells me. “You need to rest, but Laney and I will check on you tomorrow.”

  They’re fired. I remember Mom firing Laney and Seth. I open my eyes, alarmed, looking anxiously between him and my mom. “But…”

  Seth winks at my mom, who smiles. “Not to worry. We told your mom she couldn’t fire us when she was under duress. We’re all still on your roster.”

  Thank God.

  “You just concentrate on getting better,” Laney tells me. “I’ll handle the media and run anything good by your mom.”

  “Yes, do that, Laney,” Mom says, her voice slightly jumpy. “We’ll only give one outlet the exclusive. Should it be Today or GMA?”

  “Meg.” Dad’s voice is a warning.

  “I’m just trying to make her feel better.” Mom folds her arms across her chest and thumbs the beaded necklace she’s wearing. “Speaking of which,” Mom adds, “you’ll be able to do a lot more shopping after tomorrow.” Her eyes glitter brightly. “I convinced Seth to bring the contracts for your movie deals tomorrow.”

  “Mom…” Suddenly I feel weak again. The Mom in my dream would never bring up work when I was hooked to an IV. “Can we do this later?”

  “Later? I have huge news to share that I gathered while booking Matty’s Teen Vogue cover. Don’t you want to know what it is?” Mom raises her eyebrows, but I’m not biting.

  “Teen Vogue?” Matty sounds excited. “Mom, that is killer.”

  “I know, and so is this news.” Mom can’t stop herself. “If you’d be willing to sign on to both movies tomorrow, you’d get a huge bonus, Kaitlin. HUGE.”

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER EIGHTEEN: Usually when you sign on to do a movie, your paycheck is your salary. But on occasion, you can get bonuses or certain perks, if the movie does extraordinary well��even if it hasn’t been made yet. Sometimes studios are so eager to get you to sign on the dotted line (usually for a sequel) that they may offer a car or some other eye candy as a perk. My friend Gina got a Range Rover when they wanted her to lock in to Hell on Wheels 2: Holy Terror. Other times, the deal involves giving you a percentage of the profits. Don’t get too excited about that bonus—it takes a bundle for a film to make back all its production, marketing, and promotion costs before you see your 5 percent (which tends to be the max).

  Mom looks satisfied, but I’ve gone from elated to dejected in ten minutes. I have plenty to say, but now is not the time. “Can we talk tomorrow? It’s been a long day.”

  Much longer than any of you realize.

  “But—” Mom presses.

  “Meg.” Dad’s tone is stern, like the time I came home two hours after curfew.

  “Okay.” Mom touches my leg over the scratchy hospital blanket. “You’re right. We’ve had enough for one day. I just can’t stop thinking of ways to help my children.” Nadine makes a face behind Mom’s back. “Get some rest, sweetie.”

  Dad winks at me. “Idle all you want, Kate-Kate. I’ll keep her in neutral.”

  When they’re gone, I look at Austin, Liz, Sky, a
nd Nadine, who are still with me. If I don’t say something, I’m going to burst. “You guys can’t leave yet. I have to tell you what happened to me.”

  Nadine looks at Sky and Liz. “First, we want to apologize.”

  “We shouldn’t have ambushed you on your birthday.” Liz takes Mom’s seat on the edge of my bed. She smooths her drop-waist green Marc Jacobs tank dress, which she had on this morning at breakfast.

  I can’t believe that was only this morning. It feels like a lifetime ago.

  Sky rolls her eyes. “We should have remembered you take change badly.”

  “Not anymore,” I say thoughtfully. “And if anyone should apologize, it’s me. I really am happy about your new career, Nadine.” I look at Sky sternly. “You’ve got the best running your life now. Don’t screw it up.”

  “I know this isn’t the time or the place, but consider coming with us, Kates,” Nadine says, her eyes glistening. “I don’t think I can do this without you. It wouldn’t feel right.”

  “It is right,” I insist. “This is what you’re meant to do. Not Harvard business school. Believe me.”

  Nadine smiles. “What made you think of Harvard?”

  “I’ve been thinking about a lot of things, like how the tabloids are going to have a field day with the awful things I said in front of the paparazzi.” I stare at the room blinds. They could use a dusting.

  “That was so out of character, K.” Sky tsks. “The press is going to call you ungrateful.”

  “Maybe I was,” I admit. “But I’m not now. I’m thankful for everything I have—even that accident.”

  “That is one thing I would never be thankful for.” Liz shakes her head.

  “I sort of agree with Liz,” Austin says slowly. “That accident was way scarier than any trip I’ve taken down the red carpet. It was—”

  “Terrifying,” I supply.

  “Terrifying,” Austin repeats. “But I’m okay, and it sounds like you are too.”

  “I really am.” I start getting choked up again. I’m so happy to be home. I mean awake. I mean here. “If anything had happened to you, Austin, I…”

  “If, if, if. ” Sky sighs. “The world is full of ifs, and you can’t do anything with them. It’s too late. What’s done is done, and you’re fine. A is fine. Just don’t ever do that again, okay? You completely freaked us out.”

  Behind Sky, Liz is pantomiming. She rubs her eyes and pretends she’s crying. Sky was crying? Over me? Wow, our relationship really has changed.

  Austin touches my face. “You should rest.”

  “I don’t want to rest.” I struggle to sit up again. “There is so much I have to do now that I have the chance.” Nadine stares at me strangely. I look to make sure my door is closed and that I’m in a private room, which thankfully I am. No cranky roommate this time.

  “Why are you acting so weird?” Sky groans. “Explain!”

  “Okay!” I take a deep breath. Where do I start? “While I was out cold, I had the strangest dream.…”

  I tell them everything, from start to finish, leaving out none of the details. I talk for so long that Nurse Gail comes in and takes my temperature twice. She also reminds me that visiting hours end at eight and it’s nearly seven. But I can’t stop. The more I tell the story, the more excited I get, even though while it was happening to me I was freaked out a lot of the time. When I’m done, they’re all speechless.

  “That is the most elaborate dream I have ever heard of, ” Nadine marvels. “And the way you described Harvard and Peet’s, it’s like you were really there! Have you ever been to Boston?”

  I shake my head. “Never. I guess I just remembered everything you told me.”

  “Well, I don’t like what you told me,” Liz sniffs. “I sound pathetic.”

  “At least you’re not a hungover train wreck,” Sky grumbles. “Nice to know you think I’d fall apart without you.”

  “I came through in the end, so I feel okay.” Austin winks. “Interesting about University of Southern California, though. So you were really thinking about going?”

  “I was and I am definitely filling out an application.”

  Nadine grins. “I really do serve a purpose here,” she jokes, but I know it’s true.

  “So now what?” Liz wants to know. “Are you going to tell your mom about this dream?”

  “She’d never listen. But maybe she doesn’t have to. About that at least.”

  “Your mom in an apron? Tucking you in at night? Driving you to school and working in a dentist’s office?” Liz repeats, her mouth twisted into a cat-got-the-canary grin. “I would pay to hear you tell your mom about your dream mother.”

  “I think it’s pretty cool what happened to you,” Sky says, playing with a strand of her long, raven hair. “I wish something like that would happen to me.”

  “No, you don’t,” I tell her. “It was freaky, and all I wanted was to come home.”

  “Maybe part of you wanted to be home, but part of you must have enjoyed it.” Nadine is thoughtful. “It’s sort of like what you’ve always wanted, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?” I take a sip of the icy cranberry juice Nurse Gail brought me. I’m sipping it down by the quart, I’m so thirsty from all this talking. And, well, from surgery.

  “Kates, you’ve always wondered what your life would be like if you were just like the rest of us, and it sounds like your dream gave you a chance to do just that.” Nadine taps a pen on the bible—my real bible, Tahiti stickers and all. “Now you know you’re on the right path.”

  “That’s more than the rest of us can say at eighteen,” Liz points out.

  “So what do you do now, Burke?” Austin asks.

  “A lot,” I say simply and rest my head on the hospital bed pillow to think about it. I’m suddenly very tired again.

  They must realize that, because they say their good-byes and Austin shuts off the overhead light, but I can’t sleep. My mind is racing. It may have been a dream, but this is my second chance. I am going to figure out how I want my life to work, once and for all. This time I’m going to straighten everything out, which is something I should have done a long time ago. If that dream has taught me anything, it’s this: You can’t wait on things. You have to do what you love, take the time to say what’s in your heart, and take control of your own destiny.

  I’m finally going to take charge of mine.

  Kaitlin Burke in Car Crash Involving the Paparazzi

  By Ellie Reeseman

  Her eighteenth birthday should have been so bright, she needed to wear those Gucci aviators she was eyeing at Barney’s that morning. But instead of making a birthday purchase for herself, Kaitlin headed up to Barney Greengrass restaurant at Barneys New York to have breakfast with her personal assistant, Nadine Holbrook; her boyfriend, Austin Meyers; her best friend, Liz Mendes; and Small Fries costar Sky Mackenzie. Witnesses say the birthday brunch went downhill fast, with Kaitlin leaving in tears. “Kaitlin’s assistant was giving her notice,” says a witness. “She was devastated. I looked away to put sugar in my chamomile tea, and when I turned back they were arguing about college and Kaitlin’s mom.”

  Those familiar with Kaitlin’s mother, Meg Burke, know she’s been a sour note in Kaitlin’s skyrocketing career, pushing her daughter to such lengths that she became the subject of a less-than-flattering cover story in Sure last year. “She has been riding Kaitlin hard lately, pushing her to sign on to two high-profile movies,” says a source close to the Burkes. “The projects are a huge get for Kaitlin, but taking both during one hiatus? Can you spell exhaustion? Kaitlin seems overwhelmed.”

  It’s no wonder then that on the morning of her birthday Kaitlin wasn’t concerned about having a fight with friends in front of the paparazzi, who were busy snapping away. When Kaitlin realized what was happening, sources say she told off the shutterbugs. “She said that she was sick of her Hollywood life and wished it would all just disappear and for the cameras to go along with it,” says one photog
rapher, who asked not to be named. “It didn’t sound like her at all.”

  “Kaitlin said nothing of the sort, and I have three photographers who were present that will confirm our side of the story,” insists her publicist, Laney Peters. “Kaitlin was involved in an accident with the paparazzi that she had no control over. Instead of worrying about what Kaitlin was saying as she fled for her life, we should be talking about how the government of California should enact harsher laws against paparazzi and create legislation regarding the invasion of privacy for celebrities.”

  Following the heated discussion, Kaitlin rushed into a waiting SUV—not her usual car—and sped off with the salivating paparazzi in hot pursuit. What happened next is uncertain, but somewhere on Wilshire Boulevard, the SUV jumped a curb and hit a fence. No one on the street was injured, but Kaitlin, Austin, and the driver, Frank Turnblatt, were taken for medical treatment, with Kaitlin suffering a concussion and a broken ankle. She was released two days later after being monitored for head injuries. “I am so thankful that Austin, our driver, and I are okay and that no one else was hurt,” said Kaitlin in her only statement. “Driving is serious business and I, for one, don’t think anyone should get behind the wheel when they’re upset. I know I won’t when I get my license. But after what happened, I think that will be a ways away. For now, I just want to concentrate on my family, friends, and the future. To all my fans who sent their well wishes, thank you. Have a wonderful holiday season. We all have so much to be grateful for.”

  NINETEEN: Finishing the Puzzle

  “Are your eyes closed?” I tease.

  “Kate-Kate, you blindfolded us both with my new, never-worn Gucci scarves,” Mom sniffs. “Yes, our eyes are closed and we’re not peeking. Now what is this about? I’m freezing.” Mom pulls her faux mink jacket (I freaked when she thought of getting a real one) tightly around her tan neck.

  “Meg, it’s fifty degrees,” Dad says dryly. “It’s certainly not freezing.”

  “I spoke to Nancy Walsh, and she said it was this cold in New York today.” Mom’s teeth are chattering. “How can it be this cold here too? My fingers are so numb, I can barely type on my BlackBerry.”