Secrets of My Hollywood Life: There’s No Place Like Home

by Jen Calonita

  “Kates, are you serious?” Nadine squeals. “You’re not just saying that?”

  “You have gotten me through so much,” I tell Nadine seriously. “I can’t think of anyone who knows me and what I need better than you.”

  Mom’s gentle expression hardens. “No. No, no, no. She’s an assistant! She doesn’t have what it takes. You’re always giving bad advice,” Mom scolds Nadine. “Who gives back the pot on five-dollar Friday?”

  “The star!” Nadine retorts. “It’s meant for the crew.”

  “Then why put in five dollars?” Mom asks.

  I sigh. They’re getting off the point, but I guess I should still explain.

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER NINETEEN: Five-dollar Friday is another one of those morale boosters on movie sets. Or you could call it a lottery, kind of like the one we did with the jar on my last movie set. On five-dollar Friday, everyone in the cast and crew gives five dollars (get it?), and the winner’s name is drawn at the end of the day and that person gets to keep the money raised. Even stars participate because it’s considered rude not to, but the unwritten rule is that stars don’t collect the prize. Mom freaked out when I won one time and Nadine commended me on giving the money to the next person I picked from the hat.

  “Kaitlin, you see what’s happened on Entourage,” Mom adds and squeezes my hand. “E can’t do anything right for Vince.”

  I giggle. “Mom, that’s a TV show. Nadine knows what she’s doing, and she has a lot of people who believe in her.” I give the waitress the sign, and on cue, Seth and Laney appear. “I knew you’d have some doubts, so I asked some people here to back me up. Seth and Laney are two of the biggest agents and publicists in the business, and they think Nadine is the right manager for me too.”

  Seth and Laney take seats, and the waitress brings over the iced teas I ordered them. They’re both in work mode. Seth is in one of his pitch-perfect John Varvatos tailored navy suits, and Laney is in a tan slim-fit pantsuit that looks like Chloé. Her long blond hair is pulled back loosely.

  “Meg, I know we don’t always see eye to eye, but I think Kaitlin is right,” Seth says, removing his trademark sunglasses and getting to the point. “Nadine has what it takes. We’re going to work closely and make decisions together. I have full confidence in her.” Seth smiles at Nadine, who looks like she might burst into tears. “You know I wouldn’t hand Kaitlin over to just anyone.”

  “That’s true,” Mom says and plays with her fork.

  “I think she has the chops too, Meg,” Laney adds and actually smiles at Nadine. I notice she’s not wearing her Bluetooths. “This one has never mucked up Kaitlin’s career the way so many idiot assistants do. Nadine’s smart and savvy and having worked with her for years, I know she’s got the guts and the mouth to keep Kaitlin on the fast track to the A-list. Heck, Kaitlin is already there.”

  “I have already made her a household name,” Mom tells herself more than the rest of us. “How badly could Nadine mess it up?” Nadine looks like she wants to snap, but I give her a look. Thankfully, she restrains herself. Mom looks around the table, taking it all in. Then she looks at me. “If this is what you really want…”

  I squeeze her tight, not caring if I’m wrinkling Mom’s blouse. “What I really want is for you to be my mom. You’ll know everything going on, and I will always want your opinion, but the work rests with me and my team. You’re off duty.”

  “Matty could use some good torturing, Meg.” Seth winks and runs a hand through his stylized do. “You’re going to have your hands full.”

  “I’ve already had to fend off a dozen rumors of who he’s dating.” Laney groans and stares at one of her phones angrily. “That boy is going to put my tabloid statements into overdrive.”

  Mom laughs. “That’s for sure! It sounds like I will have my hands full and when I don’t”—she looks at me again—“I’m going to be spending time with my daughter. That’s the best gift a mom could ask for around the holidays.”

  I may cry again. Mom is never this mushy. “Merry Christmas, Mom.”

  “Merry Christmas to you too, Kate-Kate.” Mom kisses my forehead. “And an early happy New Year. I have a feeling next year is going to be your best one yet.”

  For once, Mom and I see eye to eye.

  Next year is going to rock.

  SF109 “Regrets Are for Wusses”

  SCENE:

  HOPE and TAYLOR’S dorm room. HOPE’S best friend from home, KARA, is visiting, and all she can talk about is how HOPE made a bad choice coming here instead of to Georgetown with her. HOPE is ready to strangle her, but TAYLOR and the gang calm her down.

  HOPE:

  (lets out an ear-piercing scream and throws her pillow across the room, almost hitting Gunther) If she says the G word one more time, I’m going to… I’m going to… make her eat every last Philly cheesesteak in the cafeteria. And she has a dairy allergy!

  GUNTHER:

  Way harsh, Hopester.

  HOPE:

  Harsh? Harsh? I’ll tell you what’s harsh! Kara’s hair! I don’t care if everyone at the G word is washing their hair once a week to save water. It looks terrible! And I’m not going to tell her that! Let her walk around looking like a satellite station!

  ZOE:

  We could help her too, you know. All she needs is a good deep-conditioning treatment and that frizz

  would disappear.

  HOPE:

  (mocking Kara’s voice) The G word has huge dorm rooms. The G word has a coffee bar right on campus. The G word has a larger student body, more international programs, blah, blah, blah! I’ll give her an international program! I’ll hit her so hard she lands in London. That will save her a plane ticket.

  TAYLOR:

  Hope, you’ve got to calm down. Don’t listen to her!

  HOPE:

  (plops down on her bed) I can’t help it. The more she talks about the G word and what a mistake I made the more I worry that… (She stops.)

  EDISON:

  That what?

  HOPE:

  That I did make a mistake. What if I should have gone to Georgetown instead of here? What if Kara’s right? What if I would have been happier or had better professors or taken a class called the Politics of North African Masculinities? What if I’m, as she says, wasting my noggin?

  ZOE:

  You are certainly not wasting that. I might be,

  but you? Never.

  EDISON:

  Listen to her, Hope. She’s got this one right.

  TAYLOR:

  Hope, what makes you think George—

  HOPE:

  (freaks out) Don’t say the word!

  TAYLOR:

  Fine. What makes you think the G word is any better than here? I’m sure we have that class you mentioned. Plus we have nine million incredible other ones that you’re always yakking about to the point I put in my earbuds, turn up my iPod, and tune you out.

  HOPE:

  You do that? I always wondered why you never answered me. I thought you were trying to be philosophical.

  TAYLOR:

  I was bored! But you’re not! You love it here, and you want to know why? Because you picked this place from a batch of acceptance letters. I’m sure if you think hard enough, you can think of a dozen reasons why you chose here over the G word.

  GUNTHER:

  I better be on that list.

  ZOE:

  Ooh! Me too, please? The only lists I’m ever on are ones that involve girls who look great in bikinis.

  TAYLOR:

  (dryly) Poor you. Edison! Stop smiling!

  EDISON:

  Sorry.

  TAYLOR:

  Hope? Are you thinking?

  HOPE:

  I don’t have to think. I already know. The climate is way better. Heck, I could surf and then take yoga all before my ten AM classes if I want. Kara can’t do that at the G place.

  GUNTHER:

  The only surfing she can do is snowboarding.

  HOPE:


  I can study outside, I have professors that have worked with Nobel Prize winners, past presidents, and sat in on world conferences.

  EDISON:

  Keep going. Regrets are for wusses, you know.

  GUNTHER:

  I have lots of regrets.

  TAYLOR:

  Well, I have none. You can’t look back. Nothing you can do to change it. Only forward. I have a feeling Kara is riding you about the G word because she sees how fabulous it is here.

  EDISON:

  Maybe she’s the one doing the regretting. About G town!

  GUNTHER:

  G town. I like that. Could be the name of a rap group.

  ZOE:

  I think it is the name of a rap group.

  HOPE:

  What would I do without you guys?

  TAYLOR:

  You’d be stuck in the lounge area by yourself, that’s what.

  HOPE:

  Okay, when Kara gets back here from the showers…

  EDISON:

  She’s in the showers? I think I need to get something down the hall.

  EVERYONE:

  Edison!

  HOPE:

  When Kara gets back here, I’m not going to let her get to me. I love it here! I love my new life, and I’m not afraid to say it. If Kara is unhappy with hers, that’s too bad.

  TAYLOR:

  Atta girl. Oh, and while you’re looking forward, could you look down too? If you don’t put your shoes in the closet when you come in the room, I’m going to start throwing them out.

  I can’t keep tripping over them.

  HOPE:

  There is no room in the closet! Your extra textbooks take up all the floor space.

  TAYLOR:

  Hey, they were a good buy! They’re next year’s books at this year’s prices.

  HOPE:

  How do you know… (voice becomes muffled. Taylor and Hope continue to bicker, but we can’t hear what they’re saying.)

  GUNTHER:

  Girls.

  EDISON:

  Wusses.

  COMMERCIAL BREAK

  TWENTY: Back on Track

  I walk to my mark across the set, right in front of Taylor’s (aka Sky’s) bed, which is covered with a fluffy, purple-striped comforter and lots of throw pillows. The wall behind her bed is painted purple, which was part of the plot for last week’s episode. Taylor got in huge trouble with Edison for doing it. She tried to use legalese to get out of paying a fine at the end of the year for defacing dorm property.

  “When Kara gets back here,” I say evenly, staring at Sky seriously, “I’m not going to let her get to me. I love it here! I love my new life, and I’m not afraid to say it. If Kara is unhappy with hers, that’s too bad.”

  Sky nods approvingly. She looks so cute in that fitted sweater vest, collared shirt, and khaki skirt. Her very long dark hair is pulled back in a low ponytail. Very private-school girl. “Atta girl. Oh, and while you’re looking forward, could you look down too? If you don’t put your shoes in the closet when you come in the room, I’m going to start throwing them out. I can’t keep tripping over them.”

  “There is no room in the closet!” I say, pointing to the closet behind me. I start pulling on my sage green BCBG wrap sweater, which is lodged under one of the piles of books. I hope my tan pleated miniskirt doesn’t hitch up while I’m bending over like this and flash the crew. “Your extra textbooks take up all the floor space!”

  “Hey, they were a good buy!” Taylor/Sky protests and whips out a large history book, almost knocking Gunther in the head. I do my best not to giggle. I’m not sure she meant for that to happen, but I don’t want to screw up and make them redo the take. “They’re next year’s books at this year’s prices.”

  “How do you know they’re going to use that book next year? Huh?” I improvise, since we’re supposed to keep talking even as we drop our voices.

  Gunther steps forward. “Girls.”

  Edison shakes his head. “Wusses.”

  “CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK!” yells our episode director.

  My family and friends, who are hanging out by the episode director off camera, start to applaud. This is our first episode since our four-week break, and in a show of support, everyone I love came to watch me film. Mom and Dad are here with Laney, Seth, Nadine, Rodney, Austin, and Liz.

  “Great job, guys,” our guest director, Taye Markenson, says, walking over to where we’re still standing. “We’re going to take a short break to set up the next shot. Kaitlin? Sky? This is the scene where you’re driving Kara back to the airport.” Sky and I nod. “We’re using the poor man’s process, so try not to overdo it, okay?”

  HOLLYWOOD SECRET NUMBER TWENTY: The poor man’s process is a movie term that is used when you’re shooting a scene inside a car or an airplane or another moving object, but you’re not actually going to be in a moving object. They sometimes blow out the windows in the car��make them look milky white like you would for a green screen effect—to keep the audience from seeing outside the car. It’s a cheap way to get a shot done, but if it’s done right, the at-home audience won’t know the difference. It’s usually the actor who messes things up when they’re acting out their driving. I don’t have my license yet, so I could be horrible at this. Hmm… maybe Sky should be the one who pretends to drive.

  “I’m going to go see my family,” I tell Sky and grab a bottle of Smartwater to take with me.

  “I’ll come too,” Sky says. “I need to find out if Nadine ever heard back from Judd Apatow’s people.”

  You’d think Sky and I would be bickering worse than the Kardashians now that we both have the same manager, but surprisingly, that’s not happening—yet. Nadine tries to keep our affairs separate and usually has something to say when one of us starts questioning what the other is auditioning for. “You worry about your own career and let me worry about hers, okay?” I’ve heard her say those words to both of us on more than one occasion. Other than that, the transition is going well. Even Mom has relinquished her role without a lot of drama. She still calls Nadine daily to check in, but Nadine has been patient. “She really does have some helpful ideas,” Nadine said diplomatically.

  My family went ahead to my dressing room, so Sky and I join them there. It’s so loud in my little room you’d think we were having a party, which I guess we kind of are. I can’t remember the last time all these people were in the same room and they weren’t fighting or throwing Hollywood Nations at each other. Matty rushes through the door, knocking into me and Nadine. Mom shrieks when she sees him. His face is covered in fake blood, and he has a black eye. His black tee and jeans are shredded, but he’s smiling so I know he’s okay.

  “Did I miss anything?” he asks, sounding out of breath. “I have to be back in ten to do a phoner with EW. They’re thinking of putting the cast on the cover!”

  “Awesome, Matty,” I say and give him a squeeze. “But you know you’ll have to get in line.” I look at Sky.

  “K and I are on their next cover,” she says and flicks his nose. “’The headline is: ‘The Hottest New Show of the Season.’”

  Matty’s jaw drops. “Hey! That’s supposed to be our headline!”

  “Yours is the hottest haunted show,” I tell him. “I checked.”

  “Okay,” he says, thinking a bit. “But we’re still going to beat you in the ratings.”

  “Bring it on, werewolf lover!” Sky teases, and Matty laughs.

  “Kaitlin?” Mom says tentatively. “Your last take was excellent. Your emotion was perfect!” Mom is really trying to work on her mothering. Last week we went for mani/pedis together, and she didn’t bring up the Beckhams or the H word (Hollywood) once.

  “Thanks, Mom,” I tell her. “That means a lot to me.”

  “I don’t think I’ve ever heard Meg give a straight-out compliment before,” Seth says and winks at her. Everyone chuckles.

  “My daughter is a star and I’m proud,” Mom tells the group. I hear Matty
clear his throat. “Both of my children are stars.” She looks at my dad. “That’s why I want to share this surprise we have for them with all of you.” Mom looks directly at me. “We wanted to wait till we knew for sure before we told you. We’re moving.”

  At first my heart stops. “Where?”

  “You’re going to be thrilled, Kate-Kate,” Dad says enthusiastically. “We bought a house in Toluca Lake!”

  “WHAT?” Matty, Liz, and I say at the same time.

  Toluca Lake? That’s where the alter-Burkes lived! If we wind up living in the same house, I’m going to have to see a psychologist for sure. But other than that, I’m excited. I love Toluca Lake! I’ve always wanted to live near many of the other studio kids. It’s so pretty and residential and doesn’t feel so isolated like our home does now. It’s also much closer to Austin’s and Liz’s. “But why? How? What…?”

  Dad looks at Mom and plays with his shirt collar. He’s in golf mode again, looking like a caddy in his Dockers and button-down shirt. “We’ve been thinking of moving for a while. At first your mom wanted Malibu, but in the last few weeks, we started looking in other areas, and your mom mentioned how much you like Toluca Lake. We went looking with a realtor and found this darling Tudor.”

  “I wouldn’t call it darling, honey,” Mom tuts. “Darling sounds small. This is forty-five hundred square feet, but it feels homey. We put an offer in right away, and it was accepted. We’ll move as soon as our house sells.”

  “When can we see it?” Matty wants to know. “Stefan and Jo live in Toluca Lake too. Wait till I tell everyone on set. This rocks, guys!”

  I hug my parents, lingering with my mom, who smells like freesia, which is also the color of the cashmere sweater she’s wearing with skinny jeans and tall, tan boots. “Are you okay with this? It’s a lot to give up,” I tell her. “You won’t live anywhere near as close to the Beckhams as we do now.”

  “Toluca Lake is the place to be,” Mom says wryly. “I told Victoria she should look herself. ” Mom touches my chin. “And if she doesn’t, then too bad for her. I think we’re going to love it there, and that’s all I’m concerned about.”