Worlds Apart (Warriors of Risnar)

by Tracy St. John

“You’ll have to fight them, Jape. I hate to say it, but as a soldier myself, I’d rather be taken out of the picture before I could harm innocents.”

  “I hope it doesn’t come to that.” He looked at his fellow officers, who had been hanging on every word the system translated for them. “We will discuss this. I’ll call Cas’s captains in as well. Perhaps we can figure out how to keep from harming those who do not deserve it.”

  Anneliese had an idea. “You know, there were those freeze fields the Monsuda use. When we go after the hive, maybe we can claim that technology for our side.”

  “It is a thought. A brilliant one. We’ll certainly consider it.”

  “Great. Unless you have more questions for me, I should be getting back.”

  “That will do it. If there is anything else I need, I’ll stop by later.”

  He grabbed Anneliese and set her on her feet. Vicious pain stabbed the knee, and her leg nearly buckled. She placed most of her weight on her good leg and kept her expression calm.

  Jape frowned. Had he seen her wobble? “Shall I send you in a dartwing?” he asked solicitously.

  Anneliese put a touch more weight on her bad knee. When the pain continued to be manageable, she shook her head. It was foolish to push her luck with the joint, but she felt sure she’d recover in time for the attempt to retake the hive. Anneliese had no intention of giving Jape an excuse to leave her out of the fight.

  She reassured him. “Nope. I have just a tiny bit of trouble when I first move around. I’ll be great, thanks.”

  Anneliese forced herself to limp as little as possible on her way out. She kept a smile on her face, her teeth grinding behind it. Okay, so it was worse than when she’d gotten to the enforcement dome. She was made of iron, though, in spirit if not in body. She would not give in to lameness. She would not be weak.

  Nothing can take me out of the fight. As she headed toward Nex’s, passing smallish dome homes with their gardens, she chanted in her head I’ve got this, I’ve got this, I’ve got this...

  * * *

  She did not have this. Nex’s dome was in sight, but too far away when her knee announced it was about to quit. It had swollen to softball size already. Worse still, Anneliese’s unsteady gait aggravated her back and hip as well.

  Fat, fluffy clouds zoomed across the blue sky, as if to taunt her slow progress that got slower with each tortured step. The light, fragrant breeze at her back pushed at her impatiently, as if she impeded its path. Her little-engine-that-could litany had become a steady stream of profanity under her breath as she cursed her body. Ever the enemy, it was determined to rob her of any chance of hiding her illicit activity from Nex. Hoping to salvage something of her impromptu re-injury—maybe she would lie and say she’d fallen—she pushed on toward his dome, begging her leg to hold on until the end.

  She’d thought she’d make it when she reached Nex’s next-door neighbor’s dome, a pleasant older fellow named Dinu. Only the stretch of Dinu’s massive garden, damned near big enough to qualify as a farm in Anneliese’s opinion, lay between her and the comfort of Nex’s home.

  It was there, practically on Dinu’s doorstep, that her knee gave up. She was down in an instant, barely saving herself from a full face plant in the tall, golden grass of Dinu’s front lawn.

  A Bonch raced up on its four legs, ears flapping in the breeze as it loped easily to her side. Brown-furred Efno had been around enough since Anneliese’s arrival for her to recognize him on sight. The Bonch was a friendly fellow, taking avid interest in Anneliese. She was startled when he began speaking in her language, his words slurry and awkward because of his long, lipless muzzle. His English was still better than her Risnarish.

  “Are you all right, Anneliese?” As she stared at him openmouthed, he nosed her leg. She winced at the nudge and forgot how freaky it was to have a dog-thing talking to her as he made his assessment. “Bad leg is worse. Big heat comes off the joints. You must not try to walk.” He raised his head and howled Dinu’s name and a smattering of Risnarish. “Come here quickly!”

  Despite her pain and fury that she was helpless again, Anneliese had to swallow sudden hysterical giggles that bubbled up from her throat. An alien dog calling for a man to come was too funny. Maybe Efno would give Dinu a treat and call him a good boy when he showed up.

  Brown Dinu, his glossy chestnut coloration interrupted by white and tan stripes, came rushing from behind the dome. He pulled up at the sight of Anneliese sprawled in his front yard before racing up to fuss over her. “What have you done, Earthling? Fallen?”

  She tried to wave him off. “My bad leg decided to take a vacation. I can make it—”

  Efno interrupted her, placing a paw on her, as if to hold her down from escape. “No, no, joints swell. They hot and smell wrong.” He yammered the same in Risnarish at the concerned Dinu.

  Anneliese did laugh then. She couldn’t help herself. She’d never been told her joints smelled before. It had to be the craziest moment of her life.

  She got herself under control as Dinu looked down at her, his worried expression saying he had no clue what to do with an Earthling laid out on his lawn. Anneliese pushed herself into a less humiliating sitting position, grinding her teeth against the pain.

  I can do this. I have to do this.

  She spoke to Efno, trusting him to translate her words for Dinu who wore no earpiece. “Really, I’ll just go to Nex’s and rest. I’ll be okay.”

  Efno scratched behind his ear with a hind leg, his pumpkin-orange eyes riveted on her face. “No walking. Walking on leg bad.”

  Dinu jabbered, “I’ll grab a cart and wheel you to Nex’s dome. Or I can pick you up and carry you.”

  Efno interrupted. “Use cart. Cart good. Cart fun.” He gave Anneliese a big doggy grin, expressing how much fun riding in Dinu’s cart would be.

  Anneliese wanted to protest, but Dinu had already raced off to fetch his cart. She sighed and produced a strained smile for Efno. She knew damned well she wouldn’t make it to Nex’s on her own. If she ignored her pride and rode in the cart, it would give her leg extra time to recover before Nex found out what she’d done to herself. Damn, how was she going to explain this to him? He was going to be furious.

  Her knee sent out sickening waves of anguish, refuting her hope that she’d recover at least a smidgen before her lover came home. Anneliese’s walk had set her back, all the way back. Nex’s words this morning, his joy at having her trust, mocked her.

  Dinu returned with his cart. Anneliese managed to keep her smile on, though the two-wheeled wooden contraption was barely more than a wheelbarrow. With Efno trotting in a circle around them, reminding him to be careful with her, Dinu settled Anneliese in his cart. She managed not to cry over the growing pain, but barely.

  Dinu asked Efno, “Are you coming along?”

  Efno gave Anneliese’s hand an apologetic lick. “Ecal need called from pasture soon. Stay off leg when hot, Anneliese. You only have two, not four! Be with care.”

  He was so sincere that Anneliese couldn’t summon the angst to be anything but grateful. “Thanks, Efno. Good job with learning my language, by the way.”

  He gave her a doggy grin. “I like you. Want talk to two-leg fighter female.” He trotted off, his fringed tail wagging as he went.

  Dinu grasped the handles of his cart and trundled it over the ground, making the tall golden grass part to either side. Impressed that Efno had expended such an effort, Anneliese used her limited Risnarish to ask her chauffeur about his garden as they passed it. He responded cheerfully, asserting most of the garden’s success had to do with Efno. Anneliese had been told the Bonch helped the Risnarish with their chores, particularly the larger farm sites. She supposed that was how most of them made their living. They were in high demand at the moment, mostly because the Cas men were distracted from their usual homestead activities as they fought with the Monsuda.
>
  As they neared Nex’s dome, Anneliese told Dinu in her stilted Risnarish, “Thank you help me. I glad you, Efno rescue me.”

  Dinu nodded. Then he spoke slowly, his eyes cast down as if embarrassed. “I don’t believe what the others are saying about you. I don’t agree that you’re part of a plot to help the Monsuda.”

  She didn’t have to ask who “they” were. “Some or many Cas people say I am bad?”

  “Not many. Only a few idiots who chew too much broadleaf.”

  Anneliese chuckled at his grin. “Maybe what ales I like give them confusion. Bad brews, bad Earthling.”

  Dinu bellowed laughter at that. Anneliese joined in, glad to have a reason for merriment in the wake of her colossal screwup.

  They were still laughing when they rounded Nex’s dome to the front—and found him waiting for them. Anneliese’s heart sank and the hilarity died on her lips at his closed-off expression.

  * * *

  “Why? You knew your leg couldn’t handle a walk of that distance. Why would you do something to harm yourself?” Nex wasn’t yelling, but it took all his self-control. His usually mild temper had sparked, rendering him unable to speak to Anneliese for the last hour. He’d taken her to the doctor in silence and brought her back to his dome without speaking. The command he’d exercised over himself had frayed at the edges. Instead of finding the calm he’d sought since Dinu had brought her ignominiously home in a cart, he felt ready to erupt.

  “I was sure I would be okay. There have been times when a couple of days’ rest were enough to set me straight.” Anneliese was determined to have her own way, as usual. Nex saw worry lurking in her eyes, however. She realized she had messed up. Somehow, that made the situation worse.

  She’d known he wouldn’t want her to go. Aware that Nex would be dead set against her walking to visit Jape, she’d done it anyway, with full knowledge it would cause trouble between them.

  Anneliese had done something she understood would upset Nex. She’d comprehended it meant a lot to him that she stay safe and let herself heal. Instead, she’d done the opposite. Some of the pain bled out of his voice as he said, “I trusted you, Anneliese.”

  Her jaw tightened, and she sat up straighter in his bed. The bed where they’d shared closeness—or at least Nex had. “Jape needed the information I had about my government’s clandestine dealings. I’m worried they’ll send in troops against the Risnarish. He agrees it could be a possibility.”

  “Then why didn’t you ask me to take you to Jape? Or ask me to fetch him? Or call him using the system?”

  She scowled. “I didn’t know the system could do that. I thought you had to have those CPP things you carry on your belts.”

  Nex paced at the foot of the bed, needing to walk off his frustration. “Whether you knew or not is beside the point. You weren’t supposed to strain your leg. Look at your knee. Look at it!”

  Anneliese jumped a little at his loud, angry tone. It had escaped him despite his best efforts.

  She was propped up, her knee elevated on its nest of pillows. No pants, just her panties and tank top, which encouraged Nex’s groin to throb with want. Damn her for looking beautiful, even with her knee swollen once more. It would be another couple of days before Anneliese could hope to walk herself to the toilet or anywhere else.

  Finally she lost the hard-edged demeanor, the look that announced to the world how invincible she wanted it to believe she was. Her voice was small as she stammered, “I just thought—I thought—”

  “No more excuses. No more making up arguments because you can’t stand to not call the shots. Because you can’t accept you’re a good enough person without playing the hero. No more lies because you don’t trust me.”

  “Nex, that’s not true. I would trust you with my life.”

  He turned his back on her pleading look, not able to bear the naked fear blooming on her face. “How can I believe you? You can’t bring yourself to rely on me for anything.”

  “But I have! I’ve let you take care of me these past few days!”

  He plowed on, resisting the urge to gather her in his arms, to kiss her into the surrender he found so exciting. “I can’t handle this, Anneliese. I can’t handle you harming yourself to prove a point that doesn’t need to be proved. And I can’t cope with the fact that you don’t want me.”

  “How can you say that? There’s nobody else I want.”

  “It doesn’t matter. You hate needing anyone too much for me to get close. You refuse to acknowledge you need people you can trust. Yes, Anneliese, you need others. It goes both ways. No matter how you hate it, you have to accept that.” Nex rounded on her, determined to make her see. “That leg will not continue recovering, not when you insist on abusing it just to show how independent and tough you are. What will you do when it doesn’t work anymore? Install those joint replacements that you’ll ruin because you won’t wait around for surgery to heal properly? Because you won’t accept help from others who are more than willing to do so?”

  “I’m sorry. I really am.” She sounded contrite, but she said nothing to refute him.

  He leaned close, trying one last time to break through. “You won’t change, will you? You’ll push away everyone who wants to care. You’ll keep pushing until we give up. Until you’re alone. Will you be happy then, Anneliese? Will that calm your spirit, to have no choice but to do it all on your own, because you’ve forced those of us who love you to leave?”

  She started. Her dark eyes riveted on his face, growing wide as she digested what he’d said.

  He nodded. “That’s right. I love you. If I could fight past that stubborn shell of yours, I’d wish to find out if you could love me too. If we could figure out how to remain together.”

  Anneliese gazed longingly at him. Nobody had ever looked at him with such yearning. “That’s what I want too, Nex. With all my heart.”

  He had to shove away the urge to scream. Instead, he did what had to be done, to shelter them from more pain, as impossible as it seemed anything could be more agonizing. “If you want it as I do, then this is a true tragedy. Because there’s no point in trying to make it happen. I can love you until the end of eternity—and I think that’s the fate Spirit has set for me—but it doesn’t matter. As long as you can’t trust me, we may as well have nothing at all.”

  He twisted away. He couldn’t look at her anymore, not when it was shattering his hearts. The sound of her sniffle made him want to take it all back, but the hopelessness of the situation wouldn’t let him.

  Instead, he said, “You may stay here until we gain the portal again. Or you can return to Salno’s berth. I’ll help you as much as I am able with getting you well again. Otherwise, do as you wish, Anneliese. You will anyway.”

  He left the dome, going outside to the whirlpool. He sat on the edge, dangling his feet in the cool water. Letting the anguish wash over him, so that hopefully he could start to heal.

  Grief choked him, making it hard to breathe. Why did it feel as if he’d just lost everything he’d ever wanted when he’d obviously never had Anneliese to begin with? Not any part that truly mattered. She was too invested in being strong, in being brave, in being everyone’s champion but her own. That overriding need had finished them before they could start. She couldn’t grant Nex’s newly discovered craving to be wanted on equal terms. She couldn’t give him what Jeannie and Kren had, the thing he wanted most of all.

  Jeannie had told him stories of people dying of broken hearts, of having loved so greatly that they couldn’t endure the loss of someone important to them. He could well believe it. He’d never known such pain, pain filling him like broken glass that had been packed into his body.

  * * *

  Anneliese hadn’t realized heartbreak could feel like a physical thing. Coming down from the shining moment when Nex had said he loved her made it worse. To be told the very next secon
d that they had no future was devastating.

  She’d watched him walk away from her. Every fiber of her being had screamed at her to call him back. However, the reassurances that she did trust Nex, that she trusted him with her love and her life, stuck in her throat.

  He had no idea of what he was asking Anneliese to do. To drop her guard, to rely on him or anyone else, to be vulnerable—no. She was badass. She had always been badass. Anneliese took care of others. To weaken caused her to become less. It rendered her unimportant. Pathetic. Worthless.

  She understood those feelings were not the truth. That a healthy relationship meant leaning on each other, occasionally letting one assume all the strength and carry the full load. Even armed with that knowledge, Anneliese couldn’t allow herself to bend. The idea terrified her in ways a firefight or getting blown up in Afghanistan had not.

  Nex needed her to show she trusted him. For him, that meant Anneliese would have to admit she didn’t always have her act together. Her iron soul railed against it. It was loud most of the time. It was loud now. When it came to being strong for herself and the ones she loved, or letting go of that heavy but life-affirming yoke she’d taken on, she had no choice at all.

  Nex was right. No matter how much they loved each other, it wasn’t enough. Except for those brief instances when he’d gained the upper hand; except for those sweet, golden minutes during which he quieted the clamoring that she must prove herself worthy in every instance, in every situation, she couldn’t let go. Her entire being was wrapped in the vision she’d forged of herself, the vision of a woman of iron, solid enough to keep everyone safe. Good enough to command the respect no one wanted to give.

  There would forever be those who saw her as less, who had to be proven wrong. She could not stop fighting them, not even for love. Not even for Nex.

  Chapter Eighteen

  Anneliese had not only re-injured her knee, but she had worsened the damage. She had to admit she couldn’t move around the first two days without help.