Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  “Girl, you better stop kissing me like that or I’m going to be late for work,” Alex teased, swatting her behind. “You save that for me for later.”

  Kayley grinned and walked him out to his car. “Be safe, honey. I love you. See you later.”

  “I love you too, Kayley. Always and forever.” She watched Alex’s bright red sports car zoom down the road, and she smiled. She was so lucky. She put her hand on her stomach and felt their baby moving.

  “You have the best daddy,” she whispered to their baby. Her heart full, she walked back into the house to see what she could come up with to do that day. She was about a month away from her due date, and her doctor had advised she stop working, so of course Alex had insisted. She needed to take it easy and he was all about taking care of her. Her job as a physical therapist was demanding, and since Alex was also a physical therapist, he could take care of her. They were planning on her taking off for at least a year to stay home with their baby, and they had been saving ever since she got pregnant to be able to do it.

  Kayley busied herself grocery shopping, lightly cleaning, and having lunch with her best friend, Emily. By the time 5:00 came around, she was busy in the kitchen making Alex’s favorite meal- spaghetti with meatballs, garlic bread, and salad. He would usually be home by 5:30, and always called on his way.

  She checked her phone as she cut up lettuce. No call yet. Maybe Alex got stuck with a patient. Alex worked at a rehabilitation center that was attached to the hospital- it could happen that they were short-handed or he needed some additional time with a patient.

  Kayley put the salad in the fridge and flipped on the news. She half listened as she daydreamed about tonight- she wasn’t sure how much longer she would be able to be intimate with her husband, and she planned on tonight being an amazing one for both of them. She had found some lingerie that still fit, and laid it on their bed. She planned on lighting candles for their dinner, and having their dessert in the bedroom. She loved showing her husband what he meant to her, pregnant and all. She knew their life was about to take a drastic turn, for the good of course, but it would leave them with much less time for just the two of them. She wanted him to know how special he was to her, now and always.

  “Gooding Road is shut down due to a four car accident taking up both sides of the road. Traffic is diverted at this time. There are injuries reported and a Med Flight helicopter is landing. We’ll keep you updated on any further information.” The news caught her attention. Oh, no wonder he’s late, she thought. That’s the main road Alex would take home from the rehabilitation center. She checked her phone again. Its 6:00 now. Why hadn’t he called?

  She dialed his number and waited as it rang. Finally, Alex’s voicemail. “Hey honey,” she crooned into the phone. “I’m just wondering if you will be home soon, I have dinner ready. I heard there is a bad accident on Gooding Road, so avoid that. I’ll see you soon. I have a special night ready for you.” She hung up and absently stirred the spaghetti sauce.

  The phone rang and she immediately smiled, knowing it was Alex. She didn’t even look at the number. “Hey, honey” she purred.

  “Kayley?” it was Emily’s voice. Kayley giggled.

  “Oops, sorry Em,” she laughed. “I thought you were Alex.”

  Emily Andrews was her very best friend. They had been friends since they were in elementary school. She was really more like her sister than anything. She was a teacher and was married with a two-year old girl, Catherine.

  “How’s Cate?” she asked her, referring to her daughter. She hadn’t been feeling well when they had lunch earlier.

  “She took a nap, so I think she’s fine,” Emily answered. “How are you feeling?”

  “Oh, I’m fine,” she said, still distracted, waiting to hear the beep of call waiting. “Ready for this baby, for sure!”

  “Make your final decision on names yet?” Emily asked.

  “We can’t really agree,” she laughed. “If it’s a girl, I want to name her Elizabeth Renee, after both of our moms, which Alex is okay with. If it’s a boy, I want it to be Alexander Reed Carson, Jr. I think it would be cute to call him AJ. Alex wants him to have his own name.”

  “I love Elizabeth for a girl, and that is so sweet about the boy. What would you call her if you named her Elizabeth?”

  “Hmm..” Kayley thought. “Maybe Beth, or Lizzie? I don’t know!” The call waiting started beeping. “Hang on, Em, I think Alex is calling me.” She looked at the number. The hospital number. Alex must’ve gotten stuck at work or left his phone in the car.

  “Hello?” she answered, a smile in her voice. She couldn’t wait to hear Alex’s voice. She also couldn’t wait for him to get home.

  “Mrs. Carson?” a foreign voice asked. She furrowed her brow. What in the world?

  “Yes?” she answered, disappointed that it wasn’t Alex.

  “Mrs. Carson, this is Deputy Miles Taylor. I’m sorry to say there has been an accident involving your husband, Alex Carson.” He paused, and she felt like she’s in a swimming pool trying to get to the top. Everything seemed muffled, muted. She couldn’t process what he was saying. He’s still talking, something about Alex and a car accident, and Alex being Med-flighted to the hospital. Doctors with him now, can you get here, he’s in critical condition…

  “Ma’am?” the deputy broke through. “Are you there?”

  Tears overtook her and she could only nod. Nothing would come out of her mouth. Alex. He had been in the huge accident on the way home that she saw on the news.

  “I-I’ll be right there,” she choked out. She grabbed her purse and keys and headed for the door. Only then did she realize Emily had been on the other line.

  “EMILY!” she screamed at the phone. “EMILY!”

  “Kayley, what’s wrong?” she answered, sounding panicked. She wasn’t sure how to answer her, but she incoherently babbled about Alex and hospital and Emily told her she would call her parents and meet her there.

  She stumbled to the car and somehow made it to the hospital, though she couldn’t imagine how she could see through the tears pouring down her face. The whole way there she was screaming, “ALEX! ALEX! Please be okay, baby, please be okay.”

  Kayley burst through the hospital doors, looking frantically for someone to help her. She spotted a nurse and barely contained her hysteria.

  “Excuse me? Someone called me…my husband…accident…”

  The nurse smiled sympathetically at Kayley and took her arm and sat her down in a chair. It was obvious Kayley was in shock and with her being pregnant, the nurse wanted to calm her down if possible.

  “Ma’am,” the nurse started slowly. “You got a call that your husband was in an accident?”

  Kayley nodded, her body shaking with sobs and tears rolling down her face. Her hands were around her stomach, protecting her baby.

  “What is your husband’s name?” the nurse asked calmly. Kayley breathed but couldn’t speak. She shook her head.

  “A-A-Alex C-C-C-Carson,” she eventually stuttered out.

  “Okay, stay right here ma’am, and I’ll look to see where he is.” The nurse walked away to the station, leaving Kayley alone to sort through what was going on. Before the nurse came back, Kayley’s parents and Emily walked in. She watched them walk towards her, but she couldn’t move.

  Her mom made it to her first. “Kayley!” She enveloped her in a hug and Kayley allowed the dam of tears to start again. Her dad and Emily made a circle around her, hugging her.

  “Any news?” Emily was the first to speak. “Alex’s parents are driving here from Georgia. They said to call once you know anything.”

  Kayley shook her head. “She…the nurse…she’s checking”.

  “It’s going to be okay, Kayley. He’s young, he has the best doctors…” Her mom trailed off, trying to comfort her. Kayley paced back and forth, wringing her hands.

  “He didn’t call- he always calls me. I had dinner ready, he’s never late…” she murmured to herse
lf.

  Just then, a doctor came around the corner and looked at Kayley. She stiffened, trying to read the doctor’s expression.

  “Mrs. Carson?” the doctor asked. She nodded, still trying to process what might come out of his mouth. “I’m Dr. Boone. I saw your husband when he first came in on the Med Flight. He is in critical condition. He has lost a lot of blood and has a pretty severe head injury and internal bleeding. He is in surgery right now trying to stop the bleeding in his stomach. We may also have to open up his skull to relieve the pressure on his brain.” He paused to allow Kayley to process.

  She forced her mouth to form words. None of that sounded good. “Is-is he going to be okay?” she asked, her voice gruff with unrestrained emotion.

  Dr. Boone looked at her stomach and gave her a sympathetic look. “If he makes it through surgery, we’ll feel more comfortable. We’ll keep him in a medical induced coma to reduce the swelling on his brain after the surgery. However, he is in grave condition right now. He has required several transfusions already, and he’s still losing blood almost as fast as we can get it into him.”

  Kayley collapsed in the chair, sobbing. “No. No. No. Not Alex. Not my Alex.” Emily sat next to her and pulled her into her arms.

  “Kayley,” she whispered in her ear. “Pray, Kayley. Pray. He will make it.” Kayley rocked back and forth, holding her head in her hands.

  Her dad stepped away to call Alex’s parents to update them. They were about four hours away.

  After what seemed like an eternity, Alex’s parents walked through the doors. Kayley shot up and ran to them. They took her in their arms and they all cried together.

  “They haven’t come out,” Kayley sobbed, gripping her husband’s parents tightly. They held on to their daughter in-law and tried to comfort themselves and her.

  “Mrs. Carson?” a voice boomed from behind her. Kayley, Emily, Mr. and Mrs. Carson and Kayley’s parents Mr. and Mrs. Johnson all stood to hear what the doctor had to say.

  “Yes?” Kayley squeaked out, gripping her mom and mother in-law’s hands for support.

  The doctor cleared his throat and looked away for a moment. And that was when she knew. Kayley knew what he was going to say was not going to be that Alex was okay.

  “I’m sorry to tell you, Mrs. Carson, that your husband passed away about fifteen minutes ago. We did everything we could…” the doctor trailed off. “He just lost too much blood, had too much internal damage.”

  Kayley collapsed, being held up only by her family that was surrounding her. This was a bad dream, she was going to wake up at any second. “NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!” she screamed, not even realizing that it was her voice reverberating throughout the hospital hallway. Everything went black as she lost consciousness, unable to handle what was happening.

  Kayley sat straight up in the chair, looking around. She had woken herself with her scream. It was the same thing every time. Tears were running down her cheeks. She was still in the nursery in the rocking chair. She took a deep breath, trying to calm down. However long she lived, that entire day would be etched into her mind. The day that her world ended but she somehow had to keep living.

  Kayley sat up in bed, gasping in pain. Her eyes turned to the clock beside her bed. One am. She clutched her stomach and breathed like the childbirth instructor had instructed her to do. Tears welled up in her eyes again as she remembered doing the child birth classes with Alex. He was so into it, listening intently, even taking notes. He had wanted to make sure he knew everything to be there for her.

  Was this it? Labor? She reached her hand over to Alex’s side of the bed, wishing she could shake him awake and tell him their baby was coming. “Alex,” she whispered, bringing his pillow to her nose and inhaling his sweet smell. It had been one month since he died, and every night she still woke up looking for him, sleeping only on her side of the bed. She couldn’t get rid of his things. Even his toothbrush still sat next to their master bathroom sink.

  “Our baby,” she crooned, holding her stomach. Dr. Moore had told her yesterday she would be ready soon. She had been 2 centimeters dilated and thinned out, ready for her baby to meet the world. Her mom and Alex’s had come with her to the appointment- Alex’s parents were still in town, waiting for the baby’s arrival. Kayley reassured them that they would always be her family, that Alex was a part of her and always would be.

  “OW!” Kayley felt another contraction, and slowly got out of bed. She breathed through the contraction and headed for her phone in the kitchen. She dialed Dr. Moore’s after hours number and left a message that she thought she was in labor. Then, she dialed her mom.

  “Hello?” her mom said groggily. Kayley winced, forgetting it was the middle of the night.

  “Mom?” she said, her voice wavering from the pain of another contraction.

  “Kayley?” Her mom’s voice was awake now. “Are you in labor?”

  Kayley nodded through another pain, then realized her mom couldn’t hear her. “I think so.”

  “Dale, Dale, wake up!” Kayley’s mom woke up her dad. “Kayley is in labor!” To her she said, “We’re on our way. Stay there and we’ll come get you.”

  Kayley’s next call was to Alex’s parents. “Elizabeth? Hey, it’s Kayley. I’m in labor.” They said they would meet her at the hospital with her parents. Then, she called Emily. By that time, Dr. Moore had called back and said he would meet her at the hospital.

  Kayley grabbed her hospital bag and breathed through another contraction. It was getting harder to walk or move during her contractions. While waiting on her parents, Kayley walked slowly through her house, looking at everything before she left for the last time as a woman, and returned as a mother. She looked at all of the touches Alex had put into this house- all the blood, sweat, and tears of new flooring, paint, and furniture. She stopped at their wedding picture, and touched his handsome face, forever captivated in the photo.

  “Alex,” she breathed, holding her stomach through another contraction. “I love you. I miss you with every fiber of my body. I want you to be here right now, with me, as I’m about to meet our baby. You were my soul mate. How am I supposed to do this without you? I miss you so much. How did this happen to us? We were so happy…so happy…” Kayley doubled over with an intense contraction, allowing the pain of her contraction to make tears stream down her face. Tears for her, for Alex, and for their baby, who would never know the love he had for him or her.

  The door swung open and her Mom and Dad stood there. Her mom understood without Kayley saying a word. She enveloped her in a hug, whispering in her ear.

  “Kayley…honey, I know. Alex is here. He’s always here.” She allowed herself to cry on her mother’s shoulder while her Dad rubbed her back. She envisioned what this would have been like had her life not changed drastically a month ago.

  “Alex,” Kayley would have shaken him awake. “Alex, it’s time.”

  He would have sat up, rubbing his eyes. “What? It’s time? Our baby is coming?” He would’ve jumped out of bed, instantly awake. “Come here, baby, come here! Are you in pain?”

  Kayley would have laughed and kissed her loving husband. “I’m okay, Alex, but let’s get our things and get to the hospital. The contractions are coming closer together.”

  He would have grabbed her hospital bag and his, helped her to the car, and driven very carefully all the way there. He would’ve called his family and hers and told them all that his baby was on the way. His face would have beamed as he announced to the world that his wife, the love of his life, was going to have his baby tonight.

  Alex would’ve stood next to her the entire time, feeding her ice chips and rubbing her back. He would’ve whispered in her ear to calm her and reminded her to breathe. Then, when the time came, he would’ve stood next to her and coached her through, cheering each time she got closer to delivering their baby. And when the baby finally crowned and the doctor showed Alex his baby, he would’ve cried just as much as Kayley had. They would’ve hel
d their new baby in their arms and held on to each other, thankful and happy that they were now a family.

  Kayley snapped out of her daydream when a severe contraction ripped through her. “Let’s go,” she said to her mom, knowing that the fantasy of how her baby would be born would now never happen. She was alone. No matter who was with her when this baby was born, she didn’t have Alex, and nothing she did could change that.

  When Kayley arrived at the hospital, they immediately moved her upstairs to the Labor and Delivery floor. She was contracting very frequently, and was in a lot of pain. Alex’s parents came in when she was admitted. Kayley held on to his mom, both of them crying for what Alex was missing, and what they were missing.

  Dr. Moore came into the room to check Kayley. He put his hand on her shoulder and she looked up at him, her eyes shining with tears. The mood in the room was somber at best.

  “Kayley,” he said. “I understand how difficult this is for you. But let’s also remember, your baby is a reason to celebrate. He or she is a part of you and Alex, and always will be.”

  Kayley smiled for the first time in a long time. “Thank you, Dr. Moore. I know. I am excited to meet our baby, it’s just so bittersweet that it’s hard for me to accept that I should be happy.”

  “Alex would want you to be happy,” her mom interjected into the conversation. “He wouldn’t want you crying over him right now. He’s here, honey. He is. He will always look out for you.”

  Kayley’s eyes brimmed with tears, but for the first time she felt a slight bit of relief. She was right. Their baby deserved Kayley’s undivided attention. Alex would want that. Dr. Moore checked her cervix and realized that she was already 7 centimeters dilated.

  “Well your baby is going to make a quick entrance into this world, it seems,” Dr. Moore smiled broadly at Kayley. “It shouldn’t be too much longer.”

  “Push, Kayley, push!” her mom urged, holding her hand. Kayley squeezed her mom’s hand as she pushed with all of her might. She couldn’t believe that in just a few moments, she was going to meet her baby. After nine long months and a world of both happiness and sadness, she was finally going to see the product of her and Alex’s love.