Living Again

by L. L. Collins

  “No thanks, Mom. I’m good.” She barely registered her mom leaving the room with Ben in such close proximity to her, and she sucked in a deep breath, trying to focus on Alexis’ sleeping form instead of his amazing eyes.

  Kayley laughed nervously, afraid to look back at him because she felt like she was acting foolish. “Ben. Is all okay with Alexis?”

  He lifted his hand from Alexis’ back and stood up. She looked back up at him and he pinned her with an intense gaze. It was much easier to breathe when he stood up. “Yes, she seems great. I reviewed her chart and it doesn’t seem that they have found any lasting damage from the seizure or any reason to keep her. You’re going to be released today.”

  Kayley grinned, squeezing Alexis tightly at the news. “Thank you, Ben. That’s great news. But- I’m confused. Why isn’t Alexis’ doctor here? Why did they send you?”

  Ben turned his eyes to hers again, and she felt that same electricity from before, from her head to her toes. I need to get a grip¸ she thought. He’s my kid’s doctor, and I’m only looking at him like that because Emily put it in my head! He spoke lowly when he said, “I told him that he was much too busy today and I’d take care of you and Alexis. He looked at me much like you’re looking at me right now, but I had to see you again. I’ve been keeping track of Alexis’ chart since you left the ER and knew if I didn’t come today, I would miss seeing you.”

  Did he just say that? Kayley thought to herself. Did he just say he wanted to see me again, or am I not hearing him correctly? He’s a doctor, what would he want with me? I have a baby! He must have lines of women throwing themselves at him.

  Noting her obvious shock at his statement, Ben moved closer to her. “Kayley? I’m sorry. I know this is greatly inappropriate, being one of your daughter’s doctors, but I have to know, are you married? I mean, I didn’t see anyone with you except your friend in the ER, and there isn’t anyone with you now but your mom, so I just wondered…” He trailed off nervously, his eyes moving to her left hand.

  Kayley looked down where her ring used to be, the ring that she thought she was going to wear for the rest of her life. “I-”she began, and at that moment, she didn’t know what to say. She couldn’t deny that Ben was attractive, and she felt electricity between them that she hadn’t felt in a long time, but she was in no way ready to have a man look at her like that again.

  “Ben,” she began, looking back up at him with watery eyes. Concern etched on his face as he watched her and waited for her answer. He started to speak but she held up her hand, so he stopped. “You need to understand something about me. I’m damaged. I’ve been totally annihilated this past year by what has happened to me. I was married, to the love of my life. He died a month before I gave birth to Alexis in a horrible car accident. I don’t know if I can ever be in a relationship again. It’s just me and Alexis now. I have to make her my priority.”

  Ben’s eyes changed from worry to sympathy. She hated that look. “Kayley,” he started, “I’m so sorry. I don’t usually do things like this, but when I saw you, I just felt this connection I can’t explain. You barely even looked at me, which was actually nice,” he paused, laughing a little to himself. “Since that second, I can’t stop thinking about you. I don’t know anything about you except your name and that you have a precious little girl that you love more than life, but I want to get to know you.”

  He crouched next to her again as Alexis woke up, lifting her big eyes to Ben and then to Kayley.

  “Hey, sweet girl,” Kayley crooned. Alexis noticed the monkey in her arms and squealed in delight. Ben smiled at her reaction to his gift, and he met Kayley’s eyes again. “Ben,” Kayley started again. “Thank you. For helping save Alexis’ life, for her little stuffed monkey, for your kind words. I just can’t do it right now, if ever again. I’m sorry.” With that, Kayley stood up and laid Alexis in the crib to change her diaper, purposely avoiding looking at him again because her heart was screaming at her mind that she was stupid. She knew if she looked at him again and felt that buzz of electricity shoot up her spine, she would take it all back.

  Ben put his hands on her shoulders, immediately causing a spark to travel throughout her body. It was all she could do not to gasp out loud at the visceral reaction her body was having. “I understand, Kayley. I’m very sorry for your loss. I just knew I had to come and talk to you before you walked out of this hospital and I never saw you again.”

  Kayley’s eyes brimmed with tears once again, but for a different reason. She found herself saying, “In Loving Hands Therapy Center.” She wanted to rewind the words out of her mouth once they came out.

  “What?” Ben asked from behind her. She still couldn’t turn to face him, but she repeated what she said, not sure what in the world she was doing.

  “I’m a physical therapist at In Loving Hands Therapy Center. You could find me there.”

  Ben watched Kayley walk down the hallway, holding Alexis tightly while carrying a small duffel bag with their things from the hospital. What he just did was completely out of his character, but he couldn’t stop himself from doing it. When she had left the ER and been brought to the PICU, he had intentionally found reasons to come visit and check on Alexis’ chart. He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but having seen Kayley, something stirred in him that he hadn’t felt in a long time. She was attractive, yes, probably one of the most beautiful women he had ever seen. But that was not what it was. He was drawn to her like a moth to a flame.

  When he had crouched next to her while she was rocking Alexis, it had been all he could do to root himself in place and not touch his lips to hers. The electricity he had felt in that moment was enough to short circuit all the machines in the hospital room. She had to feel it too, he thought, running his hand through his hair. She wouldn’t have told him where to find her if she hadn’t felt something, right? A small smile played on his lips, bringing out the dimples in his cheeks.

  He realized he was still standing in the same place, watching where Kayley had since gotten onto the elevator and left the hospital. He blew out a big breath and turned to walk down the hallway when he practically ran into the girl that had been with Kayley in the ER.

  A wide smile played on her lips as she recognized him. “Dr. Nichols, right?” she said, looking into the room where Kayley had been with Alexis and realizing that he was standing right outside it.

  “Yes,” he said, keeping eye contact even though he was embarrassed that she seemingly caught him standing there outside the room. “Please, call me Ben. And you were…”

  “Emily,” she said, holding out her hand. He took it and shook her hand, seeing the mischievous look in her eye. She was a beautiful woman herself, but Ben didn’t feel anywhere near the same as he did when he looked into Kayley’s eyes. “Kayley’s best friend. Did she leave already?”

  Ben felt caught, knowing that she knew that was why he was standing there but not wanting to outright admit that he was keeping track of Kayley and Alexis. “Oh uh, yeah, I think she left a few minutes ago.”

  Emily laughed, breaking the silence of the PICU hallway. “Ben,” she started, putting her small hand on his forearm. “Don’t stand here and pretend that you weren’t up here looking for Kayley and that you don’t know exactly how many seconds ago she left.”

  Ben couldn’t help it, he laughed. He liked this girl. She reminded him of his younger sister, Lindsay. She never minced words with him either. He held up his hands in mock surrender. “Okay, okay, you got me,” he smiled, feeling immediately like he could trust her. “She left…” he made a point of looking at the watch on his left arm, “Three minutes and twenty nine seconds ago.”

  “And did you ask her out? I saw the way you looked at her in that exam room downstairs. I might be married, but even I know the look a man gives a woman when he’s interested.”

  Ben blew out the breath he had been holding. “Well, I tried.” He ran his hands through his hair again. “I can’t explain why I feel so drawn to her, Em
ily. I mean, she’s beautiful and obviously a good mom, but that’s not why I feel so connected to her. I didn’t know anything about her until ten minutes ago except her name. Hell, I took a chance by coming up here that she wasn’t married. Now I know she has had the worst year of her life. I know she was completely in love with her husband, I can tell that by what she told me. But- I want to know more about her. Who she is. Whether there is something there with us.”

  “What did she say?” Emily’s voice was soft, her expression kind. They moved to the side as a mom pulled a toddler in a wagon down the hallway, an IV bag attached to the pole on the wagon. The toddler squealed in delight.

  “She told me she couldn’t be in a relationship, that she didn’t know if she ever could again,” Ben explained. “But then, when she turned her back to me and was packing Alexis’ things, she told me that she works at In Loving Hands Therapy Center. Then she walked out.”

  A smile lit up Emily’s face. “Really?” she practically jumped up and down. “She did? She told you where she works? Wow.”

  When she had said that to Ben he felt like it was a good sign, but seeing Emily’s reaction, he knew that it definitely was.

  “Don’t give up, Ben,” Emily said, taking out a piece of paper and jotting her number on it. “Here, take this. Just in case.” She winked at Ben and took off down the hallway, her cell to her ear.

  Ben watched her until she disappeared into the elevator, then looked at the scrawled note on the back of the gift shop receipt. He took out his cell phone and programmed Emily’s number in it. His heart pounded as he thought of the feeling he had when he looked into Kayley’s eyes, and hope surged in him as he thought of her telling him where she worked.

  He pivoted down the hallway and headed back to his own floor to see what was going on in the ER, but his thoughts never left the beautiful girl with the painful past.

  “So, tell me about this doctor,” Kayley’s coworker and friend Rachel sat next to her in the break room, taking out her sandwich and apple.

  Kayley rolled her eyes. It had been two weeks since she had left the hospital with Alexis, and she hadn’t had any issues since the day she was admitted. She had been home with her for the last two weeks, and today was her first day back at work.

  “How do you know about the doctor?” Kayley demanded, taking a bite of her own salad. She knew exactly how Rachel knew about Ben, but wanted her to admit it.

  “Your darling friend, Emily, of course.” Rachel chewed her apple, wiggling her eyebrows up and down at Kayley.

  “She seriously needs to stop talking,” Kayley muttered, feeling her face turn red. Ever since Kayley had made the mistake of telling Emily about the day with Ben in Alexis’ hospital room, she was relentless trying to get everyone in her life, including her family, to nag her about him. Apparently Rachel was no exception.

  Rachel and Kayley had met at In Loving Hands Therapy Center. She was five years younger than Kayley and the office manager at the therapy office. She was relatively new, having only worked there for about six months. She was what Kayley liked to affectionately call a “wild child”. She didn’t want to settle down, quite enjoyed many different kinds of men, and she never had any shortage of them around. Tall and lithe with bright red hair and porcelain skin, she was beautiful and made Kayley feel like a frump. Anytime she would say something like that, Rachel would scoff and tell her how beautiful she was. She had been a great friend during Kayley’s rollercoaster life, and even loved little Alexis, but she was very closed lipped about her own past. Kayley often had the feeling that something painful had happened not long ago, based on a few comments she had made, but she didn’t push Rachel, knowing she would come around when she was ready. She often hung out with Kayley and Emily when they could all get away for a girls’ night. Apparently Emily had been chatting with Rachel behind Kayley’s back, however, trying to get her to gang up on her about Ben. She hit the right person, because she was unrelenting when she had something in her head.

  “So let me get this straight,” Rachel grinned, loving Kayley’s reaction. “This smoking hot ER doctor, who specializes in kids, comes to your daughter’s hospital room and gives her a stuffed monkey wearing a tutu and a tiara, practically professes his love to you, the room almost combusts with the sexual tension, and you tell him you can’t do this?”

  Kayley’s face burned with embarrassment. Damn Emily and her mouth. Why did Kayley even let Emily in on the details? Oh right. Because her mom had sold her out first to Emily, telling her she had to leave the room because there was so much tension in it. “She didn’t spare any details,” Kayley mumbled. “But he didn’t ‘profess his love’. We don’t even know each other.”

  Rachel scoffed. “Whatever, Kayley. He practically begged you for a chance, he adores your daughter, and you turned him down? You’re too young to give up, to shrivel up and die!”

  Rachel’s words hit a chord with her. “Listen,” Kayley pulled herself up. “I didn’t ask to have my husband DIE either. Yes, I was attracted to Ben. Yes, he was very sweet with Alexis. But. I. Am. Not. Ready.” She pushed her chair away and left the room before the tears engulfed her and embarrassed her in front of Rachel.

  She walked from the back, through the big therapy room, and into the lobby so she could go out and get some fresh air until her next patient came, a new client she hadn’t seen before. She put her face up into the warm Florida sunshine, enjoying the peace that being outdoors brought her. The breeze lifted her hair, bringing a smile to her face.

  Alex laid out the large blanket and picnic basket. Kayley, warm from their bike ride, downed a bottle of water and sprawled out on the blanket. “I love this park,” she had said, watching Alex’s muscles twist and turn as he laid out their lunch. She could lay here and stare at him all day. A breeze came off the lake and blew her hair back from her face, cooling her. Her ring sparkled in the sunlight. She couldn’t stop staring at it. She had only had it on her hand for a month, and they were busy planning their wedding. Alex suggested taking a break today to get outside and spend some stress free time together, and Kayley quickly agreed.

  “I could look at you all day,” Alex murmured, dropping down next to her and kissing her, running his hands in her hair as he played with her mouth. Kayley groaned, bringing her hands up and pulling him closer, quickly feeling desire pooling in her body.

  “Ditto,” Kayley grinned as they finally pulled apart. She ran her hands down Alex’s sculpted chest, stopping at the waistband of his shorts. A mischievous gleam entered her eye.

  “Watch it,” Alex whispered in her ear, giving her goose bumps down her body. “We’ll both be arrested for public indecency if you even think about going anywhere near that part of me.”

  Kayley laughed, rolling over on top of Alex and kissing him again. “I love you, Alex Carson.”

  “I love you, Mrs. Soon-to-be Carson.”

  The sound of a loud engine nearby shook her back to reality. Kayley opened her eyes slowly, enjoying the warmth of the sun and the memory of that wonderful day with Alex at the park. Am I ever going to stop dreaming and thinking about him every day? As much as she loved every part of her life with Alex, the daily reminders of what she was missing was horribly painful. Every single thing reminded her of a time that she and Alex shared together.

  She looked over to the sound that had broken her memory and saw a sleek, black Camaro pull into the spot in front of the bench where she was sitting. The engine rumbled and then fell quiet as the owner turned off the ignition. Kayley closed her eyes, knowing this was probably her new client and she would have to go in and get things ready while he did his paperwork.

  “Kayley,” a familiar voice purred her name. She had to be dreaming. That voice was something she wouldn’t forget, not in a million years. It dripped sex and passion. And he was standing there, saying her name.

  She opened her eyes in disbelief. “Ben?” Kayley couldn’t believe he was here. After two weeks of not seeing him and trying to push what
he said out of her mind, seeing him standing in front of her was a shock to her system. Before she could register it, her heart started racing and her hands became damp. He looked edible. Dressed in worn jeans that fit his body like a glove and a simple blue cotton tee shirt, he was breathtaking. She knew he had a body when she saw him in the scrubs, but seeing him like this made him so much more of a- man. Polarized shades hid the beautiful eyes she knew were there, and the fact that she also wore sunglasses made her feel braver checking him out unabashedly. The muscles of his arm flexed as he put his keys in his pocket. This man definitely worked out. And he just got out of that hot sports car. She mentally chastised herself for being such a… girl.

  “What are you doing here?” she finally got out, after raking her eyes up and down his body several times. He grinned and sat down next to her on the bench. He was close enough that she could smell his cologne, a subtle but manly fragrance that made her weak in the knees.

  “Well,” he began, a small smile playing on his luscious lips. If only Emily were here now, Kayley thought, smiling to herself. “I met this great PT once that said this was a good place for therapy. So, it seems I’m having some trouble and thought I would check it out.”

  Her heart thrashed wildly in her chest. She had told him where he could find her, right before she walked out of the hospital with Alexis. She didn’t know why she told him that then, but here he was now. “So, you’re my new patient?” Kayley asked, connecting the dots to her new patient ‘Benjamin’. His dazzling smile got wider as she realized what he had done. He nodded as an answer to her question and she searched her memory for what the intake sheet said his ‘problem’ was. “And what can I help you with today, Benjamin?”

  He chuckled. “Hey, my name is Benjamin, even if I’ve only ever been called that when in trouble,” he reached out to put a piece of her hair behind her ear, and she froze. It was such an intimate but simple gesture. He seemed to realize he might’ve gone too far and he put his hand down in his lap. “Am I in trouble, Kayley?”