In a Heartbeat

by Carla Cassidy

  “Erica, I had to find out for myself if the heart remembers…if the memory of the people loved, the experiences shared are indelibly written into it. I had to find out if any of the essence of Katie, any of her memories, her likes and dislikes, any piece of her love for me still lived in her heart, inside Hannah.”

  “And did you get your answer?” Erica asked stiffly, trying desperately to refuse to be moved by the stark, deep emotion that shone from his eyes.

  “Yes.” He shrugged. “The heart is just a pump, nothing more…nothing less.”

  Erica stared down at the top of the table. “I’m sorry you didn’t find what you were looking for,” she said softly.

  “Oh, but I did.”

  She looked at him with surprise.

  He smiled, the intensity in his gaze gone. “I came here looking to heal, for closure, and I found that. I will always miss my daughter and there will always be a piece of my heart that aches with her loss, but I’ve also come to a place of peace where she’s concerned.”

  “I’m glad for you.” And she was, but that didn’t change the fact that she knew there was no chance of a future for the two of them.

  “I didn’t come here looking for love, but I found that, too.” He tried to take her hand in his, but she pulled away, his touch killing her. “Erica, I swear I didn’t mean to deceive you.”

  “But you did.” Didn’t he see how deeply the deception had hurt her? How it had made everything else they’d shared a complete and total lie?

  “Yes, I did,” he agreed wearily. “I made some bad decisions, but they were made for all the right reasons. At first, I didn’t tell you who I was and what my connection to Hannah was because I was afraid you’d see me as some sort of psycho nutcase and send me away.”

  “But it was my right to make that decision.” She stood and took several steps away from the table, unable to stand his nearness any longer.

  “I know that.” He stood as well, his expression pleading with her. “I didn’t tell you because I was afraid, because I was slowly falling in love with you and didn’t want it to end.”

  “So, why did you decide to tell me now?” she asked bitterly. “Why not just keep this information to yourself forever?”

  “I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t do it because I want to marry you, I want to build a life with you, and I didn’t want that life to rest on a lie.”

  Anguish once again pierced through Erica. An hour before this moment, she’d believed they were on their way to sharing their lives. She’d believed in his love and had anticipated a proposal of marriage sometime in the near future.

  Now his words felt like nothing more than a cruel taunt. She’d made the foolish mistake of believing that Caleb had been sent by fate to right all the wrongs that had happened in her life. All she heard at the moment was a roaring in her ears, the sound of fate’s heartless laughter.

  She couldn’t stay any longer, couldn’t stand the sight of him. He’d lied. Every time he’d held her, every time he’d loved her, it had been a lie.

  “This wasn’t right, Caleb. This isn’t right,” she said.

  He walked toward her, arms opened as if to embrace her, but dropped his hands to his sides when he saw her stiffen. “Erica…maybe what brought me here was an unhealthy impulse, an irrational need to find answers nobody will ever know. But, what has kept me here is my love for you. It’s the one real, true, right thing that’s come out of all this.”

  He took her by the shoulders, his fingers squeezing gently. “Don’t walk away from me, Erica. Don’t walk away from what we have. You have to believe me when I say I know exactly what’s in my heart for you and for Hannah. I know Hannah is not my daughter and I know that you are the woman I love. There is no confusion in my head where either of you are concerned.”

  She spun away from his touch, hurt and anger overwhelming her. “But I don’t believe it. I can’t believe it, and even if I did, how do I get past the fact that my gain is because of your loss?” She drew a shuddery breath. “I don’t want to see you again, Caleb…and I don’t want you to see Hannah anymore.”

  The tears she’d tried so desperately to hold back filled her eyes as she turned and ran for the back door.

  “Erica.”

  His anguished cry didn’t slow her down. She flew out of the house and into the night, deep, wrenching sobs tearing from her throat. Half-blind with tears, she stumbled through the gate that led to her yard.

  Damn him, she thought. Damn him for not telling me sooner. When she reached her own door, she looked backward, grateful that he hadn’t come after her.

  For a moment, her mind stamped with the image of his silhouette in the doorway, shoulders slumped in utter aloneness. Someplace in the dark recesses of her mind, she knew it was an image that would forever haunt her.

  The house was deadly silent around her as she sank down into the corner on the sofa and drew her knees up to her chest.

  Heartache. How long had it been since she’d ex perienced it? How long had it been since she’d felt as if a deadly arrow had pierced her heart? She couldn’t remember ever feeling this kind of pain.

  His child. Katie Rose McMann. A vision of her picture swam in Erica’s head. A beautiful little girl with golden-blond hair, bright blue eyes and a sweet smile. In the photo Erica had seen, Katie had been wearing bright pink ribbons in her long hair and she’d looked like a little fairy princess.

  A fairy princess who was dead. And no kiss from a handsome prince would awaken her from her forever sleep. Erica squeezed her eyes tightly closed, trying to dispel the vision of the child.

  She hadn’t wanted to know this. She hadn’t wanted the donor heart to have a name…a face. She had tried to pretend the heart came from heaven, without any grief attached, without any loss connected to it.

  Hannah lived because Katie Rose had died. Erica’s happiness was built on Caleb’s grief. She couldn’t look in his eyes without seeing the image of his daughter, without feeling the pain of his loss.

  Erica couldn’t understand why her heart had finally been healed only to be broken once again by Caleb’s love and his loss.

  He’d gambled and lost. On the evening of the third day since she’d stormed out of his house, Caleb stood at his window, staring at the tiny house behind his.

  There had to be some way to make Erica understand that his love for her and for Hannah had nothing to do with what he’d lost. It had everything to do with what he’d found with her.

  He’d told her the truth when he’d said that he’d finally come to terms with Katie’s death…at least as well as a father could ever come to terms with the loss of a child. He’d found peace within himself and felt no need to create a Katie from a Hannah.

  The only real need he had was for Erica. Erica, with her bright blue eyes and lustrous hair. Erica, with a warrior’s courage and the musical laughter of an angel.

  He spent long hours staring at her house, but in the three days since his confession, there had been no sign of Erica or Hannah.

  The waning sunlight cast deep shadows on the tree house. Without Hannah, it appeared abandoned, and he wondered if the structure would ever again ring with the sound of her infectious laughter.

  In a million years, he never would have built a tree house for Katie. She’d have much preferred a doll-house with intricate staircases and sweeping balconies.

  How could he make Erica realize that there was no confusion in his mind? The day of Hannah’s birthday celebration, when he’d bought the inappropriate gift of a doll for her, he’d successfully separated the two girls in his mind and in his heart. He’d known then that Katie was gone, but that he could love this child of Erica’s, he could love Hannah for herself alone.

  He straightened his shoulders, hope sweeping through him as Erica’s back door opened and she emerged. She didn’t just walk to the gate that separated the two properties, but stalked, her footsteps short and quick. In her hand she carried a bundle of papers.

  She was angry.
He felt it radiating from her as she slammed the gate behind her and approached his back door. As she drew closer, he saw the twin spots of color that dotted her cheeks. Red. The color of anger.

  “Caleb McMann, you open this door,” she shouted at the same time her fist beat a wrathful tattoo on the door frame.

  He opened the door, knowing instinctively what had set her off. At least he’d have another chance to talk to her.

  “I can’t believe you did this,” she exclaimed. She brushed past him and into the kitchen, then turned and glared at him. “What are you trying to do? Buy me? Buy Hannah?” She threw the handful of papers on the table.

  Caleb didn’t have to look at the papers to know what they were. He’d had them drawn up by a lawyer the previous day. “Of course I’m not trying to buy you,” he replied.

  “You can’t just give us a house,” she protested indignantly. All he could think of was how lovely she looked, with anger snapping in her eyes and coloring her cheeks.

  “Why not?”

  “Because…. because it just isn’t done,” she sputtered.

  “Of course it’s done.” He eyed her hungrily. He ached with the need to wrap her in his arms, hold her tight, love her forever. “Parents buy their children homes, divorcing couples give each other houses.”

  “You aren’t my parent and we aren’t married.”

  “But we could be.” His words made the color in her cheeks intensify and she averted her gaze from him. “Erica, the house was refurbished specifically for you and Hannah. Each piece of wood that was sanded, every wall that was repaired was done with the two of you in mind. This is your dream house and it wouldn’t be right for anyone else to live here.”

  “You should sell it and use the extra money to get therapy,” she replied.

  He laughed. “I don’t need therapy, and even if I did, I have more money now than I’ll ever use in a lifetime.”

  She eyed him suspiciously. “Of course. I should have seen it all along. Stanley didn’t suddenly become a generous benefactor, did he? You paid for all the repairs. You paid for the central-air unit and the painting and everything.”

  He shrugged. “I wanted you and Hannah to be comfortable. It was no big deal. And I don’t want to sell this house.”

  The spots of color in her cheeks were fading, leaving her pale and tired-looking. “I can’t accept the house, Caleb. It wouldn’t be right. If you don’t want to sell it, then you live here.”

  “I can’t do that.” He stared at her intently, wanting her to feel the waves of love that emanated from him. “I can’t stay here and feel you and Hannah so close, see the two of you out in your yard, know you’re getting on with your life and I’ll never be a part of it. I love you, Erica, and I can’t live here knowing there will never be a future for us together.”

  Her eyes closed for a moment, but not before he saw the hint of desire, a flame of wistful longing.

  He took a soundless step toward her, then another one, and her eyes snapped open as if she’d sensed his approach. “Erica, do you really think Hannah is so unlovable that I couldn’t love her for the child she is, completely separate from my daughter? Do you really think you are so unlovable that I couldn’t have come here and fallen completely and utterly in love with you?”

  She looked at him with eyes that showed no emotion whatsoever. “Did you really think you could come here and lie about everything and somehow it would all work out okay? Did you really think this wouldn’t make a difference?” She turned and headed for the door. “I won’t take the house, Caleb. Talk to your lawyer and get that deed changed.” With these words she disappeared back outside.

  Chapter 14

  “Mommy, are you and Mr. Man mad?” Hannah asked as Erica tucked her in that evening.

  “Why do you ask?” Erica smoothed the dark hair away from Hannah’s sweet little face.

  “’Cause we haven’t seen Mr. Man in forever.” Hannah’s dark eyes studied her mom thoughtfully. “Friends can disagree and still be friends,” she said, parroting Erica’s words from the day they’d had lunch with Sherry.

  “I know that, honey, but it’s a little more complicated than that.”

  “Everything is compicated with you,” Hannah exclaimed with a sniff of indignation. “You won’t get married and you won’t get me a baby brother or a sister ’cause it’s too compicated. I don’t like compicated.”

  Erica smiled, leaned over and kissed Hannah’s forehead. “Get some sleep, Hannah. Things will be okay in the morning.”

  Hannah nodded, but not before Erica saw a glimmer of tears in her bright, dark eyes. “What’s the matter, honey? What’s making you sad?” Erica asked, afraid she knew the answer.

  “My dream friend,” Hannah replied, a fat tear trekking down her cheek.

  Erica looked at her in surprise. She’d been afraid Hannah was going to tell her she missed Caleb. “Your dream friend? Why is she making you sad?”

  Another tear played tag with the first, racing down Hannah’s little cheek. “She’s going away.”

  “Going where?”

  Hannah shrugged. “I dunno. She didn’t tell me that. But, she told me last night in my dream that she was gonna have to go away soon.” Hannah’s face scrunched up and a little sob escaped her. “I don’t want her to go. She’s my bestest friend.”

  “Oh, honey.” Erica pulled Hannah into her arms and held her tight as Hannah cried. As Erica patted her daughter’s back and made soothing mommy noises, she thought about the irony of the situation.

  For months…for years, she’d been careful to keep people who might abandon them away. She’d wanted to protect Hannah from the loss of somebody she loved. But, she’d never dreamed her child would suffer the abandonment by an imaginary friend. How did a mother guard against that? And when does that kind of protection become destructive?

  “Shhh,” Erica soothed, suppressing the tears that burned at her own eyes. Tears for Caleb. Tears for Katie. Tears for all of them.

  It had been three days since she’d last spoken with Caleb, three days since she’d seen him, three days that felt like a lifetime. When did the hurt stop? Did it ever really stop?

  Hannah cried for several minutes, then Erica got her settled back beneath the sheets. “You know what I think?” she asked as she used a tissue to dry the last of Hannah’s tears.

  “What?” Hannah asked.

  Again Erica smoothed Hannah’s hair away from her face. “I think your dream friend knows it’s time to say goodbye to her because you’re going to make so many other, wonderful, real friends when school starts.”

  “Really?” Hannah eyed her hopefully. “You really think I’ll have lots of friends?”

  “Tons,” Erica replied. “I think you’ll have so many new friends you won’t have time for a dream friend any longer. Maybe your dream friend needs to go visit another little girl while she sleeps, a little girl who has no real friends.”

  Hannah nodded, her eyes heavy with the need for sleep. “And I’ll find a real bestest friend, one that doesn’t like to play with dumb old dolls. That would be nice,” she said. “Good night, Mommy.”

  Once again Erica kissed her forehead, then crept toward the door. “Mommy?” She turned back to look at Hannah. “You should get glad with Mr. Man again instead of being mad and sad with him. He’d make a good daddy. He has daddy eyes.” With these final words, Hannah fell asleep.

  Erica padded into the living room, trying not to think about Hannah’s words. She didn’t want to think about Caleb McMann. She’d spent the last several days doing nothing but thinking of him, loving him, and mourning what might never be.

  She moved from the living room to the kitchen and stood in the darkness, staring out the window at his house.

  Her house.

  She couldn’t believe he’d given her the house. When she’d opened the papers from the law firm, she’d looked at them in bewilderment before comprehension dawned and she realized what Caleb had done.

  He’d g
iven her a dream—in a million years, she never would have been able to possess a house like that.

  How many times had she stood at this very window and coveted the house? Even with all its wrinkles and warts, the house had represented a complex dream…one that, she now realized, involved much, much more than a mere building.

  Feeling the sting of tears, she left the window and went back into the living room, where she curled up on the sofa. Every time she had thought of owning that house, the vision had been accompanied by dreams of herself, and Hannah, and a special man that would make them a real family.

  Caleb. Thoughts of him ached in her heart. She realized that without Caleb, there was no dream. He was the man she had dreamed about. In the darkest hours of the night throughout the past six difficult years, she had longed for him, prayed for him, needed him.

  On those nights, he’d had no face, no name, but she knew now that it had been thoughts of Caleb McMann that had kept her going, kept her strong, kept her fighting throughout Hannah’s illness.

  Now he was offering her not only his house, but his love and his heart as well, and she couldn’t take any of them. She closed her eyes, trying desperately not to think of him.

  One thing was certain. The entire experience, throughout her time with Caleb, her heart had opened in ways she hadn’t thought possible. She now realized that every day, in every experience she’d shared with Hannah before Caleb, her insidious fear had somewhat dulled the joy of life. That wouldn’t happen again. Never again would she give fear such power over her.

  She didn’t know how long she sat, ruminating, contemplating, aching with her thoughts when Peaches pounced up on the sofa, her little pom-pom tail wagging happily. “Hey Peaches, what’s going on?” Erica asked as she scratched the poodle behind an ear. Peaches rolled over on her back, encouraging Erica to scratch her plump belly. Erica frowned, absently stroking the soft fur. “What are you doing out here?”